I am really confused right now, my a doesn't really help out very much around the house or with the kids, granted they are 9 and 6 but they still need love and attention and I can't always be the one to know their schedules and keep up with them.

Anyway thats not the real confusing part, the worst part is that I have decided not to give him rides back and forth to work because he spends most of his time after work with his drinking buddies because "they are on the way home".  It went from not going at all after his DWI to 1-2 days a week and now he is right back to everyday, most days twice a day.  I don't know what to do.  I am so confused on how to handle this, I want to just detach because I really need the extra paycheck coming in but I don't want the agrevation.  The thing is I want my family to stay together and I want to learn to deal and hopefully some day he will come around.  I guess the problem is that I have it in the back of my mind that if I kick him out he will figure out what he is missing and be a better person for it but I also know that he could go completely the other way too.

I hate this disease, I hate my disease (being codependent or what the heck ever I am).  Can you tell I am really frustrated, lol.  I don't want to look at, talk to or be around my a right now I am so frustrated.  I am frustrated with myself as well.  I can't even seem to get myself under control.  Insanity is setting in and that is freaking me out.  I can't possibly be a good mother to my kids when I am so pent up with anger and frustration.  I end up taking it out on them.

I am angry, frustrated and going out of my mind.  I need a vacation from me.

Thanks for being here and giving me somewhere to get support

Holly

Really feel for you, have been in exactly the same position and was unable to leave.  He eventually left me for another women after which he drink was so bad and finally after three years he reached his bottom and found AA.  I wish I had had the courage to leave him sooner and not have wasted any more of my life wishing he would change.  You have two choices, you stay and things remain the same with him, but you lead a totally separate life (because this is the only way you will remain sane) or you leave and start a new .  Either one are very hard. 

I think i put up with it all (there were a few affairs), for my children's sake.  I totally love him and dont think there will be anyone else for me, but could not imagine depriving them of their Dad.  Now of course they all love him very much ( I have 3 children) but not one of them wants him to come home and live with us again, so my fears were unfounded.  I thought what I was doing was in the best interests  of my children , but at the end of the day I now can see it was my own insecurities that kept me there, because if I had really been thinking of my children I would have left.  My husband used to come home drunk in early hours of the morning, then feel so bad he would cut his wrists and wake me up covered in blood.  I thought I had kept all this from them, but infact i had been fooling no one but myself. 

What ever you decide to do , you must keep the focus on you and meet yours and your childrens needs first.  When the time is right you will know what to do.  So hang on in there.  Will be thinking of you. Much love Melanie

Holly,

Just wanted to say I'm glad your here. I have been where you are.  I have three kids 5, 3, and 9mos.  I never wanted my kids to not have a daddy so I stayed plus I was Pregant with my 3rd.  Paycheck I needed and his insurance.  When my baby was 2mos I had enough.  I was waking up at night doing it all.  The drop off to school after school, playgroups all the house work.  I just had enough and told him to get out by the end of the month.  If he would not I would leave with the kids.  I figured I would go on welfare on something it had to be easier then living with an A. Hell maybe I would even met someone.  The next day he went to AA.  He has been sober ever since 6mos.  I stayed and were working are steps together.  I ask him why he went this time.  I had told him many times to get out.  He told me this time you ment it.  You waited till I was Sober and told me your plan.  You did your home work.  Said He knew I ment it.  At first he went to AA for kids now going for himself.

Keep coming talk thing out here listen to all use what fits you best.  Only you will know when is enough.  At first must have asked everyone here that question.  No one would tell me said I would know.  At first I was mad but they were right. Everyone is diffrent.

Take care of your self first.   When I was mad at A I took it out on kids.  Short temper didn't want to play games with them just to mad.  Don't let your A take away your fun time with your kids being mad.  There only small for a short time.  And there smarter then you think.  My five year old said you and daddy are happy now.  Is that because he not drinking.  I almost fell of the chair.  I did not know she knew he had a drinking problem.

Well I have to go pick up kids I'll be thinking of you

Nikkilou

 

 

 

Thanks for the post HOLLY. I too ahve been right where you are. It's sad when we wtch the person we love slowly killing themselves..digging their own grave one bottle at a time....when all they ahve to do is stop drinking..one DAY at a time.

 

LIN

I remember how often I would take out my feelings on the kids - I always thought of myself as standing between them and their drunk dad, but when I honestly look back at their childhoods, there were one or two times when he got mad at them and yelled when drunk, and HUNDREDS of times that I yelled at them when frustrated and unhappy. So, who was the better parent? I really agree about the "meaning it" part. Very few of the rules I tried to make or boundaries I tried to set in the drinking years held, but the ones I really meant did (No crack in the house, no dealing). He knew better than I did when I really meant it, and when I was just trying to manipulate him.