I am having trouble with myself.  I have been divorced from my A for 2 1/2 years now but we have continued to live together on and off for that time.  He goes in and out of the program and does well for awhile then WHAM same ole thing.  For the past I say 6 months I would say his mood swings have been terrible.  One minute nice the next breath mean as ever.  He has not been drinking but has been smoking pot.  Same thing, different addiction.   I have not seem to matter to him.  Spending time with me has not been important or for that matter even sharing the same bed has not been important.  He had been doing the same things he did before we were divorced going away for a couple of days getting messed up, spending all his money then coming home like nothing is wrong.  His unexceptable behavior is one of the reasons I divorces him.  It is not Ok with me to be gone for days even if you are at your famlies.  Anyway, last week I received a call from his sister who said the squad took him to the hospital as he put his leg through a glass table.  I ask if he was drinking again and she said yes.  I told her I would not be at the hospital.  Two days later when he decided to come home I ask him to leave my house.  The same thing happened.  I have never been there for him, I I I.  Even though I know it was all wrong I tried to make him understand once again that it was not true.  Why do I do this to myself.  I know I have been good to him.  He said that I created him, don't I have power!!!!  LOL.  He left the house after he did what he set out to do blame me and get me in tears.  I have not contacted him at all.  He told my daughter he was taking time off from work and go to his brothers for awhile who lives a hour away.  His brother did not come and pick him up probally because he knows he has been drinking and his brother has Hep C and cannot be around it.  Now that his brother did not pick him up he called yesterday and wants to talk to me.  It is like ok I can't go to my brothers so I will go back home.  Don't get my wrong I don't live in a palace, but it is much better then his sisters where about 10 people live and use ect.   I feel different this time.  I can't explain it.  See he stole money from me the day he left and of course to him he didn't steal it as he said he was going to put it back.  Stealing to me, and when he got paid last week, I did not see the money, of course.  He said it was only $15.  $15 or a $1 it is still stealing.  What can he say that I never already heard, what can he promise that he has not already broke.  I continue to believe and do again.  I don't want to this time.  I want to be strong.  I keep praying about it.  I know if I keep doing the same thing over and over and I am getting the same results.  Of course he always uses the I need to be home where it is safe over to my families it is not safe, but he keeps going back there.  He was suppose to come over last night but could not get a ride and I would not go after him.  He is coming tonight and I know I need to say, right now this is the best for us to stay away.  I care about him, I don't know about love anymore.  I know I need to get back and working on me again and quit focusing on him.  I have stepped up my meetings.  any experience, strength, and hope I would appreciate. 

 

Thanks for listening

Carol,

    I don't know that I have any good experience for you only that I relate to everything you say except my a and I arent' divorsed.  I have live through affairs and arrests.  I wish I could say I was smarter now but I'm not so sure.  I continue to go down the same old road myself and that is why he is able to wreck every single day for me.  The only thing I can share is that I know that I need to change my ways and if I would stop traveling that same path he couldn't possible travel his.  He may choose a different one doesn't matter because I will have chosen a better one, believe me I have been in this program for over a year and know that this is easier said than done.

   I just want to say you are in the right place and you will learn a lot here that will get you through the day.  If you work this program it will help tremendously but you will slip and thats where this message board and meetings will be like a safety net and catch you when you fall.

Good luck and keep coming back

Holly

Hi,  Your certainly in the right place and have started your recovery.  I relate to most of what you say well, its as they say "same Sh*t different day".  We all seem to do it , its very hard to get off the roller coaster.  Read my past posts and you will see what I have been through over the past 6 months  and I did divorce my ex-a and we do live apart.  We never seem to learn do we?  All we can do is try.  Will be praying for you.  All my love Melanie.

I did it I was able to tell him no he can't come home!!!!  I am so sad, yet so proud of myself.  I know nothing had changed and I would live the same life I was leading.  I had to look at this and that helped me say no.  He asked if there was a chance for us again.  My answer was this.  I don't know what my Hp has in store for us but for today no.  I am sooooo proud of myself.  I keep asking God to help me.