LOL you guys were so wonderful with your comments!!! I learned from you and I did not feel so alone. Also learned I am not the only one who gets that drive to go look at him. Well I got there in the am one or so. At first neither of us said a word. He said i cut him out of my life. I told him he chose that. After we talked a bit I asked if I could lay down. He said yes. So we layed there in the dark and talked. He told me he was sorry for not getting back to me sooner when I was so afraid. I said are you? He said yes. I did not ask, but he told me he has been sober since he started working many weeks ago. He is farming, loves it. Works 12 hours a day 6 or 7 days a week. Told me it has made his depression go away and he feels so much better. Said he is slowly building his program back. He smelled good, skin was nice, looked good, and has gained weight. Said he is eating all the time. Said his liver and stomach cannot handle him being empty. He mostly answered things I asked him. I told him I was very lonely for him and was not doing well up here alone. That I needed him in my life, as much as he can handle. I mean that too. Just knowing he may call or may come visit sometime would make things easier. I am still married to him, he has not been with or even interested in anyone else. He told me I looked good to him. I know I felt good to him. It was very, very nice to be there. He did not have to work the next day so could rest all day. I knew he was sincere as he did not do any of the A talk. like changing the subject to him or lieing. So I was given a gift that night. I love it when hp allows me to see my A during a good time. I know the next time he is around or calls, what ever, he may be using again or whateer but that is the nature of it. I have tried to love other men in my life, but it never worked. My husband, my A is the love of my life. Alanon has given me the skills and the strength to face this fact and to be able to forgive the A disease behavior no matter how much it hurts. Like this time, it took me many, many weeks. But I feel better inside. When ever I get to see him or hear from him again will be ok. Let go and let god for one thing, one day at a time, and appreciate every precious moment I get to be with him. This disease tried to chase me off for good this time. Didn't work did it? Close though. I am a real believer in the Bible, and this thing I feel is LOVE. It does not keep account of injury. I don't feel any bad inside about him at all. When the disease runs him, he is not able to care or love like I do. He cannot love like he did before the brain surgery. I feel my heart holds the love we have for both of us. He made it clear that night how he feels, and he does feel. It takes time for me to grow and to really understand where the A is. If he had brain cancer I would be more forgiving. I could not be when I had the cancer scare. I just couldn't. But now I know and next time I will have to be more clear what I need from him, and ask if he can handle that. If not, accept what he can give. I also learned something else. Intimacy between a man and wife does not have to be the whole act. To put it carefully. A's can have a real problem with that, especially when they are in the last stage. But I gotta say, I felt as satisfied as I ever did when it was the total thing. It was just a different way of sharing. I found it beautiful. I cannot go into detail here, but suffice it to say, any intimacy, if enjoyed by both, and you are really in love, is very, very precious and wonderful. Anyway thank you for reading, thank you for comments. I always think I have seen him for the last time, then hp hands me this gift!!! Thanks to Al-anon I have molded and am molding into someone who can love their A as is, and not go crazy doing so!!! Well I am already eccentric...haha I have an eden update coming to prove it. love and hugs, grateful to my al anon brothers and sisters, debilyn in Oregon of Potter's Eden

Debilyn, Now I feel bad for not wanting your truck to start!!!! lol I'm so happy you had a wonderful time. Just to get a minute of that kind of feeling again would be worth it. love, Christy

Hello Debilyn,

You kept in touch with your HP and trusted your instinct and got peace, serenity and love in return :) I had a great connection with my daughter today too. I am still flying high :) We do need to cherish those times when they appear. That is great that he is having some sobriety and knows it and looks and feels better. I always use to say we need to have hope and not let go of it. When my daughter relapsed this past week I lost my hope for a short while and didn't want to tell anyone ever again to have hope. But, for the small glimpses it seems worth it, doesn't it? I am so happy for you. your friend in recovery, cdb :)

Debilyn,

I am SO happy you were able to have that special evening with him.

I see myself in your shoes in so many ways.  I too am married to the love of my life.  It may not sound like that sometimes...but I am.

He is truly the only man I have ever loved.  The man I married before him, and my three fiances I broke up with had to  convince me and REASON with me to get me to marry them (or "agree" to, but was much more like bullying).  I did not know what love was until I met my husband.  Then, I just had to be with him.  I remember that feeling of such intense happiness to be able to actually MARRY someone you feel this way about.  I never felt like I got enough of him.

I have learned since that the person you should marry is the one that loves YOU the most, not the one you love the most...

Would you believe that my old boyfriend who says I am the love of his life is still around?  He insists that he can't lose me forever, and we have to "stay friends", SIGH.  He is very respectful of my marriage though, but I usually don't write him back or respond, as it seems pointless.  I like him, but I am married to the man I want.  But, in hindsight I SHOULD have married him.  He is nice, but he just does not get my heart fluttering like husband did.  But, I know I would have been happy with him as he has stuck with me for many years through thick and thin, as freind mostly and boyfreind occasionally (between husbands of course!).

I think that you do sometimes find your soulmate and then that is it, you are "ruined" for anyone else.

I was so mad at my husband for so many years I  thought I wanted to divorce him last year, but, when we separated I thought I would die from grief...how lame...hopefully my contined efforts to harden my heart towards him will someday pay off. I actually bought a BOOK to teach me how to NOT love him like I do...I keep working on it...

I am SO glad that this visit turned out well for you.

What you have    sounds something like what my parents had a few years after they divorced, after some pain was gone.  They weren't physically intimate, but my Dad spent the entire day at our house, coming in the morning, as soon as he got up and had breakfast with us, spent the entire day, then left after dinner and the evening news.  My parents talked as if nothing had changed, but that my Dad left at the end of the day to sleep at his house.  It took years for this to change.

It is a hard habit to break that bond with someone, with whom you have slept with and been intimate thousands of times and had children with them.

I hope things continue to go well for him and for YOU.

Isabela

awwwwwwww debilyn....I enjoyed reading this post. It gave me food for thought and makes me hope. I'm glad your HP gave you a gift and that you were in a good place to not only recognize it but appreciate it. Hugs to you.