I just learned last Friday, a day before my 57th birthday, that my 21 year old daughter was an alcoholic and a self-medicating drug user. At first, I thought "well, this'll be the crummiest birthday I ever had in my life." But now I realize my daughter gave me the greatest gift I ever could have -- she came to us on her own, told us the whole sordid story of the past 3 years, including cocaine, ecstasy, sleeping pills, blacking out, etc. She had quit all that the day before, and now has been sober for 4 days. The next day, after my birthday dinner, we talked with her about going into a recovery program. After a lot of crying from all of us, she said she wanted to go. Here's where I'm very confused. We spent all day the last 2 days calling up treatment centers, talking with interventionists, etc. My wife and I are totally new to this whole thing -- before 3 days ago, alcoholism and drug addiction were issues for "other" people. It seems to us that there is a huge industry around recovery. Some of the places are expensive -- like $4,000 a month, and some are incredibly expensive -- like $20,000 a month. Do you really get what you pay for? We talked with some people about intervention, too. We don't need a confrontational intervention, since our daughter wants to go into treatment. But we do need to get our whole family on the same page, especially our son, who thinks this is just a matter of will power. Again, some of the interventionists charge $1,000 for their services; others charge $4,000. My last question is this. We went to 2 alanon meetings yesterday, and I realized the alcoholic's battle is much like the battle I have had all my life with obesity. When my daughter told us about her illness, I started going back to the gym. I figured, how can I help her, if I can't even help myself. I hate exercising, but I kept telling myself, if my daughter can say no to a drink for one more day, I can say yes to exercising for one more day. OK, here's the question -- I was thinking about emailing my daughter about my struggles with weight to encourage her with fighting her illness -- how scared I am, how much I'm afraid of failure (for the 20th time), etc. But this is all so new to me -- I don't want to make a stupid mistake. Thank you to anyone who takes the time to answer me. I'm so ignorant, and I desperately need help.

Hi Tom, Welcome... Do all agree your daughter must to be placed in a a rehab facility? I'm sure you have your reasons if so. I ask, because AA is free and in most places available everyday to the alcoholic. There are also drug related programs (narcanon). I was just thinking with daily support she may get the same thing a rehab offers. She is already detoxing on her own, and that is part of what a rehab does. My alcoholic husband has never been to a rehab and is still active, so I cannot answer the questions about rehab. What I have seen here is that it is truly up to the person and how bad they want to recover. Many here have shared that their spouses or children go to rehabs multiple times and then slip and start over. It doesn't seem to me that it is a one time sure cure. I'm not discouraging it, but please be aware. As far as telling her about your struggles....It may create a kinship between you for her to know you understand. Perhaps she could go to the gym with you? Whether to tell her is ultimately up to you. I really can't think of any harm it would do. Good Luck to you and your daughter.. Christy

Tom,

Please contact your local social services agency!

Alcoholism and Drug Abuse are public health issues, as they impact the community.  So, many communities advocate money to helping with these problems.

I am a teacher so it was my job to learn about all of these agencies, I was always truly amazed at how much is out there...and FREE.

I never knew, but our county funds a drug prevention program.  Part of this program is community funded interventions, with a licensed and experienced therapist and it is FREE to all in the community.  A friend told me about it and I actually tracked them down and tried to arrange a free intervention for my husband, but it did not work out.  Everyone has to cooperate for it to work, and many family members wanted no part of it.

The United Way, your state social services agency, even lawyers who  specialize in DUI and DWI will know about these resources.  As  teacher, that was part of my continuing educational requirements, to stay updated on community resources.  I live in a relatively small town in a small county, I don't live in a big city, so if there is something here, hopefully there is something where you live.

You are right that a big industry has been built around addicts trying to recover from their addictions.  Some are better than others.  I too have read about families who have spent their life savings on some treatment centers, that did not work.  I think it boils down to wether the alcoholic really wants to stop drinking.

Your son is right about it being a matter of will power...in SOME people...I know a few alcholics who stopped on their own...without any outside intervention...but they had a stong motivation, a birth of their first child, a move to a fresh new place, etc., it is tough to stop without a powerful outside motivation...like I am sure you understand with a weight problem.  Some people need a huge medical scare, like a diabetes diagnosis or a heart attack or heart bypass to have enough motivation to lose weight.  There is a twelve step program for people with weigh problems too, and I know LOTS of people who lost weight without help from them.

It depends on the person.

Your daughter took the most important first step...going to people she trusts for help, and being honest about things...she has a good chance for full recovery with this attitude.

You're in the right place, this is for you, to help yourself, and to teach you to stay out of your daughter's way. Don't worry too much about your son's ideas, he will have to come to his own terms with this in his own way. What your daughter needs from you is your support and love, she does not need you to do this for her. I agree, there are other options to very expensive rehab; so far as I can tell, it works no better than cheaper options. She needs to get HERSELF to AA and NA (not you getting her there) and if she talks to people there, they may have some advice to give her about what is available in your area. I'm in Canada, here rehab is covered by our National Health Plan,with an additional charge of about $400, however, the problem is getting a space. My husband went to his three day detox, and then had to come home for a month, until space opened up for him to finish the three week program. It was AA that kept him clean in that interval, and I cannot stress enough how helpful AA and NA will be to your daughter. Reality is, alcholics and addicts do not get better without a program - it doesn't have to be a rehab centre, it doesn't have to be AA, but they do need something to change their way of looking at and dealing with the world, or they will go right back to where they were. I know it's hard, but try to keep yourself out of the picture here as much as possible. This is not something you can do for her, and the more you take over the process, the more you set her up for failure. Read the old posts here, to get some idea of what we are about. There will be meetings in your area, please try to get to them, they will help you more than you can believe. Early sobriety is a terrifying time, both for the A and for evreyone who loves him/her. Take care of yourself, let your daughter know you love her, and (really!) don't worry too much.

I work at an out-patient treatment center....all I can tell you is if the person wants to recover then they will work whatever program they are in.  I have seen clients go through treatment 4 times and just not get it, they are here because they got in trouble at work or with the law.  Then I have see clients come in and they want help and by the time they finish their program their whole life has changed. 

Hugs Mary

I'm beginning to understand more now. When we first got the message that alcoholism is a family disease, I automatically thought that meant everyone in the family had to fight it together. But it seems what that really means is that it's a family disease like a virus. In other words, everyone in the family can end up getting sick, but it's each indivudual's job to fight the virus in their own way. Today I talked with another friend who's in recovery, and she basically gave me the same advice all of you did -- my daughter has to fight this battle herself, and we can't fight it for her. All we can do is encourage her to go to AA meetings, but that's about it. Thanks to everyone for all your help and support.