My ex-A said that all my answers lie within the Big Book.  I told him it is a different programme.  I have read the Big Book several times, do I have to study it ? It really relates to AA's , i know we have the ism's but we are not alcoholics, i sort of felt that our programme was a bit like a reverse of their's.  What do u all think?

I think that the Big Book is a useful and enlightening read, but that's about it. I also do believe that alcoholism, like many other addictions, is just a facet of the same big underlying disease that we also have - don't know what to call it, maybe "the need to do things which we know are not good for us". I read a book on Co-dependence which figured that 98% of the population was co-dependent(!) So, while there's no harm in reading the Big Book, we have literature of our own which more directly addresses our needs. If your A is going on and on about what you should do, tell him to quit taking your inventory, and to leave you work your own program. If he's in recovery, he's know what you mean.

Hi Melanie,

I think that the Big Book can be a very valuable tool for alanonics.  Lois W and her friends used the Big Book when they began Alanon.  The way to do the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, which is used by Alanon, is laid out very carefully for anyone who wishes to change his/her thinking.  And it was my own thinking that brought me to the insanity and led me to this program.  After time, Alanon began to develop their own literature that was focused on the problems of the alanonics.  The Big Book is no longer conference approved literature.  We now have our own The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions and other step literature.  But the original way to do the 12 steps as laid out in the Big Book is a truly thorough and excellent method to use...with the help of God and a good sponsor.

On the other hand, there is no one in this world who has any right to tell anyone how to do his/her program.  We can make a suggestion.  But, as my sponsor said, if I make a suggestion more than once, it is no longer a suggestion.  It is control.

So whatever you choose to do for your program is your choice, not his.

Love and peace in the program.

Joan

 Ah yes, the BIG BOOK, some of the readings are very helpful to me, and beliieve me, comforting.  But, it took me almost a year and half to get the courage to buy it...that's how sick to my stomach I would feel when I had my hand on it at Waldenbooks.

Anyway, begin with the Chapter that starts "How It Works"   The first (101 ?) pages tells how to work the Steps.

Also, the chapter "For Wives Only"             Sobriety:  the chapter:   "The Family Afterwards"

I will post again on helpful reads from the BIG BOOK.   But if I remember, I had to be ready for it.   In fact, working the Steps would never have been complete if I had not worked them with an alcoholic from the AA board and had not attended open AA meetings to hear how the AA's worked certain steps.  Just what worked/works for my recovery.  Take what you like and leave the rest.    

Thinking more about this, what you said about our program being the reverse of theirs strikes me. In most ways, no, I don't think it is, we are all working on finding out who and how strong we are, and finding better ways to deal with the issues of life. But, so much of the AA program seems to be focused on getting them to be aware of the needs of otherpeople. to stop being so selfish, to take reponsibility for their actions. So much of our program is about letting go of the needs of other people, to be a bit more selfish, and to stop taking reponsibility for things that are not ours. I remember my husband commenting once on closing up the AA meeting, all alone in the room, putting away the chairs, washing the cups,... He wasn't complaining or anything, just talking about service work. It seemed so odd to me, though. I have never been to an alanon meeting where every person there did not help close up - no one leaves until the work is all done, or if they do, it's with an apology "I have to pick up my kids right at nine, I'll help next time!" I also remember when. on another online message board I used to go to, the board was down for two or three days. It was a shared service, with a board for A's and one for us, much like here. When it came back online, all the A's were complaining, and bitching about the service being down. All the alanons were saying "Oh thank goodness it's back. I thought I had broken it!" All this may be more because alanon is mostly women, while AA has a majority of men, but I think it also says something about our different needs.

Hi = your right we do aproach this disease from a different angle , remind your husb that the big book is for him  and you have your own literature. I have read the big book several times  and I agree it is full of great stuff, some of which is a big help to me.for instance  the promises which I believe are t here for all of us in a program, the chapter on acceptance was very helpful for me.  Early in recovery it was important for me to read those stories in the back of the book, they were hope for me, that one day maybe my  husb would sober up , but as i stayed here longer and let go of the obsession of fixing him or trying to understand him. I stopped reading lit that explained his behaviour. Our literature is for me to improve my life and relationships.   So we have made a deal here , he works his prog  i work mine and we stay out of each others inventory.  most days we can do that somedays we  slip .   work on yourself  and leave him to God an AA . good luck  Louise

Hi MelanieL,

The Big Book was recommended to work the 4th step for Alanoners. My husband took the Big Book when he moved out. I thought that I would buy a used one somewhere. I attended an open AA meeting on Saturday really to just hear the other side. I was blown away by the power in the room. You know, just hearing another perspective. As I was leaving, a member asked if I had the Big Book and I said no. He said they gave them out for free and would I like a copy. So I took this as a sign. I hope to have compassion for my recovering A because right now I am so anger. The Big Book talks about resentments and letting go of them.

I have also been listening to the Joe and Charlie tapes about the history of AA. Those are really helpful. But I do think that we in Alanon are on our own path.

Nancy

Tues. July 26

Dear MelanieL,

I love the Big Book.  I am a recovering A my self  & my husband is a very active A.  I find for me, the Big Book helps remind me of the DISEASE.  It helps me understand the hows & whys of my hubbys thinking & doing.  Its also a good " Remember When " for me.  I am recovery from A but I still need help understanding him as this disease affects eberyone differantly.

The decission is YOURS.  Everyone reads, hears & learns things differantly. 

All the best

Yours in Recovery

Kathy570