I am writing a letter to my wife telling her that we need better communication. How we need to tell each other what we are feeling, what each of our wants and or needs are. I am telling her how I feel and the fact that I don't know what to talk to her about any more, or that I am not sure about what we have in common any more.

My wife just got out of rehab 15 days ago, she is doing well. She has drank since 1998, before that  she had been sober for 5 years on and off, she had a far as I know the occasional drink . These last few years have been hell with me pretending that she had been killed a car accident, then feeling guilty after wards for even thinking that. Not saying any thing at home that might set her off and when I did talk to her it seemed like what I had to say wasn't important to her because I felt like she was (bored) humoring me when I talked to her. I was doing almost all the work around the house. I work out of town so when I would come home I had a lot of work to do and it never seemed to be enough. .I know I need to attend more meetings because I am not sure what my wants or needs are yet. I also know that I am confused .I feel good some days then lost and like a bear on other days.

This is something that I feel strongly about though. What I would like to ask everybody is that after I finish the letter  do I keep it for a while or give it to her. 

Please give me any advice or comments that you choose to share.

 

Thank you

Cam

((cam)) If you want her to know your feelings, then it's necessary for you to give her the letter. Only you can make that decision.. Grab as many meetings as you can, they are in most every town. The more the better and the faster you can heal and set your boundaries and use your Alanon tools. Is your wife going to AA now? She has some behaviors to unlearn..and some new ones to learn. I do know that many in recovery only can work on that for the time being. Your letter may fall on deaf ears. I don't know her, only you can make that judgement call, but having your feelings known is something that can't hurt. Good Luck my friend.. Christy

We don't give advice here, and only you know what is the best thing for you. There are some things that you might want to think about though, while you decide. What are you hoping to accomplish, by giving her the letter? Are you hoping that it will in some way change her behaviour? What kind of expectations do you have for what will happen when you give it to her, and what will you do if things work out differently than you imagined? Are you trying to force solutions? Are you trying to "make" her feel anything? I would also like to point out that she is very new in recovery, and may need to put her focus on that at this time. I don't believe in tiptoeing around recovering A's, being careful not to do anything that will upset them and set them back drinking. Alanon teaches us not to do that. Their recovery is not our business. However, we are also told not to make or expect any big changes, soon after recovery. Understanding what she is or is not capable of right now may help you keep your expectations in line with reality. You won't go wrong if you keep in mind the basic alanon principles - keep the focus on you, and make sure your boundaries are about you and not about changing others. Say what you mean Mean what you say Don't say it mean

hi, When I write my A, i keep the letter around and then I decide. So far I have never sent one. The letters are really for me not him anyway. I relate to the talking to them and they humor us and pretend they care. sad eh? So I guess I figure what would make my A care just cuz it was written down? For me I don't want him to know anymore how I feel. I figure, why waste my emotion on someone who is not there for me? If he does not care when I talk, then he does not care. I don't want to give him the satisfaction or security that I am still hanging on. He knows I need my husband, he knows I need someone to share with. But he is first with him, the drug or sobriety is first. Unless he is in recovery with goals and in AA he has only stopped drinking. That means nothing to me. using is such a small part of the disease. People aren't stupid or unaware. Of course we need to share and talk together. But the A has a totally different agenda. They have to learn to share and to talk to others. Anyway glad you are here. What would it hurt to give it to her? What do you gain? For me I stopped, got tired of being torn apart. hugs, love,debilyn

Cam,

It is hard for me to communicate with my "A" too, and he runs whenever he thinks I have a letter for him...for some reason they seem to scare him...I guess they seem  rather ominous to him....

Of course my "A" husband is nuts, so maybe this does not help you any...

Well, anyway, most people that I know, including me, only like to get one type of letter, love letters.  Any other type of letter, is not very comfortable to get.  Most people know that it is going to be about the fact that they are not doing somethign right.

If your wife is already ticked off at you and is not that crazy about talking to you, it is probably because you either nag her or repeat yourself too much.  Only going by experience here, I don't know you...but my education in psychology tells me that that those are the most popular reasons why people tune others out.

If I were in your shoes, not giving advice here since only YOU know your wife and yourself and know what would work, I would tell her in a very non-threatening way.  Even though it has become a cliche, using "I" statements always works.

Invite her out on a date, and get all dressed up for her, get her roses, make her feel special, not the "same old same old" that will have her rolling her eyes and humoring you.  Take her to her favorite restaurant.  Don't worry if she does not dress up, or does not seem thrilled and don't let that dampen YOUR enthusiasm, make her feel she is worth you dressing up just because she is so "special".

Once you get her out to the restaurant, and you have started eating your food (so she is not hungry and cranky) then start with the "I" statements.  Say "I know that I have to work on MY communication skills, I would like us to be closer and for me that means that I need to communicate better with you, I feel that we have drifted apart over the years and I know that part of the reason was because I did not put as much emphasis on communicating my feelings with you as I should have, I would like to change that."  Don't worry if she does not react or promise to do the same, she may have to see that you mean it for a while.

Then, set aside a specific time for you to get together on a "date" each week to focus on YOUR communication.  Away from the TV, stereo, dishes, stove, AC, etc.  Going out to eat to a nice restaurant is good for this.  It lets each of you relax, away from the stressful environment of home where a lot of painful things happened (like her drinking and you having to do all of the housework).  Get away from the environment causing the resentment, your home.

Take turns picking out the restuarant, don't balk at the one she picks.  Take the high road and set the example of how you would like things to be.  It must start with YOU since you are the one wanting to make things better.

That is another word that has become a cliche...communication...a lot of people don't really understand what that word means.  Some people think they want communication, when what they really want is cheerleading.  Communication means you share your thoughts, feelings, and attitudes, good AND bad.  It is merely letting your thoughts come out of your mouth, they might not all be good.  Do you REALLY want better communication?  Do you REALLY want to hear what she is really thinking if it is not all good?  Be prepared...some people DO know what communication means and may take that opportunity to let it all out, and it may not be what you want to hear.

Although I long for more emotional intimacy with my husband, I know he is not capable of giving it.  We rarely talk and believe me, the LAST thing I want with him is "communication" I already know he hates me and blames me for everything that has gone wrong in his life, the last thing I want to do is sit and listen in excruciating detail to his monologue on how I "ruined" his life.  I really hope that communication from your wife will be more positive .

Isabela

Hello cam,

From my experience letters are best kept for awhile for a person to re-read and then think about them. I also find it better to talk face to face/in person so you can get some kind of feedback. I use to try the letter writing and my husband wouldn't even comment or say he got it. For him it seemed like another form of control. That is why I like to address things in person now. your friend in recovery, cdb :)

Sun July 23

Dear Cam,

I think lin0606 put it best.  All great thoughts , feelings & shares.

My hubby & I used to write letters to each other and it usually got very messsy & nasty.  Just my opinion.  Only yu can decide what you should do.  In my own recovery (alcoholic), and I do this for Al Anon also, we were taught to keep jounals, let our feelings out & let go of the anger & rage we kept inside.  For those who were affraid some one would read the jounal, we got together supportive friends (sometimes), read the letter to them then have a little burning ceramony.  No one was to reply to us, just lots of hugs to let us know they were there to listen to us.  Doing that gave me great peace & comfort knowing I am NOT alone.

I also find reading & learning about alcoholism very helpful to somewhat understand the whys & hows of my hubbys drinking.  I know my reasons but everyone has diffferant ones.  Learning more gives me a HUGE amount of comfort knowing the 3 C's.  I didn't Cause, I can't Control and I sure can't Cure it for him.  It also releives alot of the GUILT & SHAME & ANGER.

Hope this helps a little.  Keep coming here, you are not alone, keep posting and keep looking after yourself through Al Anon.

Yours in Recovery,

Kathy570