I have been really working myself up lately. Trying to cope with things on my own without resorting to have to ask for help from my ex. Things have been getting on top of me. Will be unemployed at the end of this month, my Dad has to go for a byopsy next week as the hospital have found a lump in his testacle so worrying about that, trying to detach from my ex, trying to manage three children and so on and so on. Resentments towards my ex are just growing within me. I am trying desperately to fight them. He just doesnt seem to care what is going on with me or the children. (he isnt drinking and is in recovery) Feeling rather desperate and this morning I said something very unkind about my ex to the children and upset my daughter whose 11 years old. Feeling rather ashamed of myself now. I intend to apologise to my children tonight and sit them down and explain I am under a lot of pressure at the moment and I was sorry to upset them, but I was very cross with Daddy as he had hurt me, but it wasnt their fault and I was sorry. Do you think I should apologise to my ex as well? I havent told him i said these things, but he is bound to find out from the kids. Should I tell him before they do, or just leave it at just apologising to the children.
-- Edited by melanieL at 06:18, 2005-07-21
david62 said
Jul 21, 2005
Hi ((((Melanie))))
Making amends by definition is making a change for the better. I was talking with my home group last week about the very act of making amends. As I was a bit confused....how can I ever make amends for some of the things that I have done to others which are not "easily" identifiable. If I stole something from someone that is an "easy" one, I can make reparations to the individual. But how do I make amends to someone for psychological damage that may have been caused by me? It was given to me, that I can make amends for these things simply by changing the behavior which I believed caused the harm. "Not doing that anymore!"
The process is for me, not the person to whom I am making the amends to. Though invariable, they will also benefit from the process, if I still have contact with them, through associating with the new "improved" me.
As to whether you should make direct amends to your ex, I would suggest you search your own feelings. Will this action support your serenity and self respect?
Thank you for sharing, hope this helps you some.
Yours in Recovery,
David
dori said
Jul 21, 2005
Hi,
I wanted to applaud you for makeing amends to your kids.it iwll make a big diffrence in the long run for them.Kids know you are going though a ruff time for you to tell them and to say your sorrys lets them know you repect them and they matter.
I agree with David on one level yes it is better to change youe behavior and show your amends but i aslo belive saying it to another person you offended is healing for both parties.
I have made it no secret it makes me angry when i hear aa some times telling their people to just chage their behaviour in their amends I think in my opion only ha that it is a cop out not to face their real destrcution they have brought on to their families.
Maybe i just dont understand amends because i have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ and i know what the bible says about amends it says to tell the person you offended.
I even though i never got a real amends from my ex and he is in recovery too i knew the part i played in it all and i did in two ways i wrote a letter with admitting all my wrong and makeing amends and i called him he didnt even repond but now i know i did what was right and maybe i will never get his amends but he doesnt call and harass me any more maybe that is his amends but maybe i am wrong but i feel he will repat the behavour with a new playmate cause he never did really make amends.
it is your choice how you hadle it but i applaud you for talking to your kids what a good mom you are.
dori
cdb said
Jul 22, 2005
Hello Melanie,
To me it seems like a very "adult thing" to discuss this with your ex. Maybe explain to him that you made a mistake and then explained it to the children and then share with him your boundary of not complaining or saying bad things about him to the kids. It is good if he were to agree to follow this boundary too about you so if you two could discuss this and agree it would be the healthiest way for the kids. Just my humble opinion. I always apologize to my kids when I am wrong or crabby etc. since we are only human and try to set a good example for our kids. It is my hope that your husband will agree to also not bad talk you to the kids since it is the best for them in the long run. I know our instinct is to let it out and say things and that is why I referred to the thing to do is the so-called adult thing :) your friend in recovery, cdb :)
I have been really working myself up lately. Trying to cope with things on my own without resorting to have to ask for help from my ex. Things have been getting on top of me. Will be unemployed at the end of this month, my Dad has to go for a byopsy next week as the hospital have found a lump in his testacle so worrying about that, trying to detach from my ex, trying to manage three children and so on and so on. Resentments towards my ex are just growing within me. I am trying desperately to fight them. He just doesnt seem to care what is going on with me or the children. (he isnt drinking and is in recovery) Feeling rather desperate and this morning I said something very unkind about my ex to the children and upset my daughter whose 11 years old. Feeling rather ashamed of myself now. I intend to apologise to my children tonight and sit them down and explain I am under a lot of pressure at the moment and I was sorry to upset them, but I was very cross with Daddy as he had hurt me, but it wasnt their fault and I was sorry. Do you think I should apologise to my ex as well? I havent told him i said these things, but he is bound to find out from the kids. Should I tell him before they do, or just leave it at just apologising to the children.
-- Edited by melanieL at 06:18, 2005-07-21
Hi ((((Melanie))))
Making amends by definition is making a change for the better. I was talking with my home group last week about the very act of making amends. As I was a bit confused....how can I ever make amends for some of the things that I have done to others which are not "easily" identifiable. If I stole something from someone that is an "easy" one, I can make reparations to the individual. But how do I make amends to someone for psychological damage that may have been caused by me? It was given to me, that I can make amends for these things simply by changing the behavior which I believed caused the harm. "Not doing that anymore!"
The process is for me, not the person to whom I am making the amends to. Though invariable, they will also benefit from the process, if I still have contact with them, through associating with the new "improved" me.
As to whether you should make direct amends to your ex, I would suggest you search your own feelings. Will this action support your serenity and self respect?
Thank you for sharing, hope this helps you some.
Yours in Recovery,
David
Hi,
I wanted to applaud you for makeing amends to your kids.it iwll make a big diffrence in the long run for them.Kids know you are going though a ruff time for you to tell them and to say your sorrys lets them know you repect them and they matter.
I agree with David on one level yes it is better to change youe behavior and show your amends but i aslo belive saying it to another person you offended is healing for both parties.
I have made it no secret it makes me angry when i hear aa some times telling their people to just chage their behaviour in their amends I think in my opion only ha that it is a cop out not to face their real destrcution they have brought on to their families.
Maybe i just dont understand amends because i have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ and i know what the bible says about amends it says to tell the person you offended.
I even though i never got a real amends from my ex and he is in recovery too i knew the part i played in it all and i did in two ways i wrote a letter with admitting all my wrong and makeing amends and i called him he didnt even repond but now i know i did what was right and maybe i will never get his amends but he doesnt call and harass me any more maybe that is his amends but maybe i am wrong but i feel he will repat the behavour with a new playmate cause he never did really make amends.
it is your choice how you hadle it but i applaud you for talking to your kids what a good mom you are.
dori
Hello Melanie,
To me it seems like a very "adult thing" to discuss this with your ex. Maybe explain to him that you made a mistake and then explained it to the children and then share with him your boundary of not complaining or saying bad things about him to the kids. It is good if he were to agree to follow this boundary too about you so if you two could discuss this and agree it would be the healthiest way for the kids. Just my humble opinion. I always apologize to my kids when I am wrong or crabby etc. since we are only human and try to set a good example for our kids. It is my hope that your husband will agree to also not bad talk you to the kids since it is the best for them in the long run. I know our instinct is to let it out and say things and that is why I referred to the thing to do is the so-called adult thing :) your friend in recovery, cdb :)