A friend at the bank says money is a subject that can really separate a couple, and maybe she's right.
My A worked 1 day at his paying job last week, and 2 for our business. He also hired somebody to work 2 days for us (money is soooo tight right now). On Thurs he said he didn't feel like working, and on Fri he golfed, Sat he golfed ($27 ea time), and Sun he couldn't golf cause it rained. I worked 6 days, and canned vegetables Sunday.
Mon am, over coffee, I was subjected to his daily message about how he hates the guy he works for, and is being sc#@#ed over...and that he plans to quit and do something else. After I got to work, I called him, and asked him "what he plans to do for the rest of his life?". I also told him we're approaching 50, with no health insurance and no retirement plan. I just asked him what would make him happy. He told me he I'm not earning enough money, when I worked traveling in our home based business, we had plenty money. He further said my retail shop is using "His" paycheck to survive. He then said I didn't even have his "Permission" to open it in the first place.
I told him if we added his paychecks up for the year, they don't cover half our bills, nor any day to day expenses, so I was realizing an income, too. Granted it is much less than in the past, but we've also lost some contracts we had not expected. He also hasn't earned half what we had projected. I almost agreed to shut the shop down, and go back to traveling with him. Then I remembered that when we made good money, he spent better money, and many times he would be stretched out with his legs propped up, while I worked.
Something kind of popped inside me, and I remembered as well, that even 15 years ago, he avoided work when possible, and it never bothered him if I worked 60 hours a week.
Right now, we've decided to just muddle through, and try to pay some things off when our next contract comes in (late August). Of course, he also needs a couple of thousand to "enhance" his car.
I'm proud of myself for not giving up my dream (the shop), but I'm not sure what the financial future holds. He turned the argument back around to me and says it's all my fault. Inside, I know better, and try to remember how the "A" can do that to a person.
Apparently, he has no concept of "old age", and the expense for any major illness. He pretty much refuses to discuss these needs. I did offer to shut down the shop one day, and take a second (actually 3rd) job for 20 hours a week so I could get us group insurance. Dumb me...fortunately, he didn't like that idea.
I've been really upset over it all, and his pouting, but am pretty much resigned today. I prayed a lot about it, and feel I'm doing my share and then some. The earth is going to turn whether I worry or not, and I don't think they put you in jail for letting the bills get late. Besides, when he's home he gets the phone calls and overdue notices in the mail.
His name is not on the shop's bank account...so I have control there.
Please remember me when you're talking to your HP today...I feel I have all the burdens of the household...and it gets me down.
Thanks, Genie
marmare said
Jul 20, 2005
Morning, I remember in my first marriage to an A, it was not until after the divorce that I realized that he had me convinced that I NEVER contributed financially. I was talking to a friend one day about different jobs we had over the years. Out of 14 years, 10 of which he was in the Air Force, I had worked all but 3 years we were in the Far East. Those three years I volunteered. When I was looking back, I realized that at one point I had worked a full time job that I took my toddler to work with me while I was pregnant with #4, I also worked a part time job during this time. I think in my experience the A has a grandure attitude and doesn't really live in the real world. Hang in there, I am telling myself I am right where I'm supposed to be.
Hugs Mary
megan said
Jul 20, 2005
Hi I can sure relate
My A lost his good paying job 3 1/2 years ago.
Since then he had his own business but drank too much to keep it up. He has not worked at all since last April
Even though I have a decent job making decent money he would throw it in my face that I would never be good enough because I did not make what he used to make.
Crap crap crap
And he told me I did not make enough to buy a vehicle, well I found out otherwise from the Dodge dealer and bought myself a nice truck
I am glad that you have the shop in your name and are doing well
megan
DanaAngel said
Jul 21, 2005
Genie,
I know from where you are talking- my addict and I both work in his parents family business- I do a lot of the day to day office tasks in addition to waiting on customers (I also keep the daily books) while he sits and waits on the occassional customer, which is great because he is a really good salesperson when he gets motivated to do it. But then he will either sit in the showroom and read his books (yet another addiction- he is very intellectual) or dissappear on 2 sometimes 3 hour lunches. Virtually all my paychecks go right toward bills, while he spends money on coffee at Barnes and Noble or (no surprise) more books. So I know how that is.
Dana
nmike said
Jul 22, 2005
Genie,
Hang in there! I hear you on the money issue. My A thinks that if he works an extra job and makes more money then there isn't an impact of what he does. Right now he is so selfish. He too is golfing. He took another job in a different state after 31 years of marriage - he is telling everyone that he wants to golf more. And I said what about me and our marriage?
So I am looking at separate checking accounts etc. All our financial plans never were really about us when it comes down to it. My friend just left my house after talking over our finances and investments. She said start putting money into separate accounts for me. My A I think is on a relapse on a dry drunk and it can only get worse.
Sounds like you are on the right track. So you can only golf so much and what does it prove. In my immature moments I pray for rain (he, he).
In support,
Nancy
lin0606 said
Jul 22, 2005
Seems to me this is just another aspect of the old blame game, that they are so good at. Anything to take the focus off of their behaviour. If they can find any aspect of us that is not perfect, or that we are insecure about (and who doesn't have some?) well, they just go to town on it. You know that you are contributing your share, (and more) and that's all you need to know. All the rest is just A talk. Just keep your own side of the street clean, and do what you can to protect your own financial life.
whitie said
Jul 23, 2005
I'm sorry your husband is giving you such a bad time. As we know there will always be something for them find "wrong" with us. God knows I tried to be perfect. But we can never achieve perfect in their eyes. It's all so childish really:)
And I totally relate to the other addictions that they seem to always have. For my A husband the world revolves around beer, golf, Copenhagen books and sex. As much as he can get too. I don't see where he's ever going to change that because he refuses to work any program. He's not sick like those people!
The thing that works for me is just to turn him over to my HP to deal with. I'm not equipped!
It's all I can do to live my life and program :)
Whitie
kathy570 said
Jul 24, 2005
Sun Jyl 23
Dear Belongtome,
I can so relate to you. My husband may lose his job after 34 years because of his drinking. The company was sold and all exployess are to work foir the new company. Heres the problem - my husband has been allowed to drink all these years, now drinkes at work everyday, the owner never put his foot down about drinking. I think that is partly why he sold the company, he has lost faith in my hubby & now needs to look out for himself & his finances.
The new company takes over next Fri, 29th and in NO WAY put up with drinking. I know that deep inside my hubby is hurting badly, and probably fulll of guilt & shame. There is absoulutly NOTHING I can do. It is his choice!!!!! It is killing me to think that we could lose everything but then my HP tapped me on the shoulder. I was thinking of materials things, not how to help if I could. Now I pray that my HP &&his HP help him with his guilt, shame, anger at himself. Its all I can do is alot of Praying.
A friend at the bank says money is a subject that can really separate a couple, and maybe she's right.
My A worked 1 day at his paying job last week, and 2 for our business. He also hired somebody to work 2 days for us (money is soooo tight right now). On Thurs he said he didn't feel like working, and on Fri he golfed, Sat he golfed ($27 ea time), and Sun he couldn't golf cause it rained. I worked 6 days, and canned vegetables Sunday.
Mon am, over coffee, I was subjected to his daily message about how he hates the guy he works for, and is being sc#@#ed over...and that he plans to quit and do something else. After I got to work, I called him, and asked him "what he plans to do for the rest of his life?". I also told him we're approaching 50, with no health insurance and no retirement plan. I just asked him what would make him happy. He told me he I'm not earning enough money, when I worked traveling in our home based business, we had plenty money. He further said my retail shop is using "His" paycheck to survive. He then said I didn't even have his "Permission" to open it in the first place.
I told him if we added his paychecks up for the year, they don't cover half our bills, nor any day to day expenses, so I was realizing an income, too. Granted it is much less than in the past, but we've also lost some contracts we had not expected. He also hasn't earned half what we had projected. I almost agreed to shut the shop down, and go back to traveling with him. Then I remembered that when we made good money, he spent better money, and many times he would be stretched out with his legs propped up, while I worked.
Something kind of popped inside me, and I remembered as well, that even 15 years ago, he avoided work when possible, and it never bothered him if I worked 60 hours a week.
Right now, we've decided to just muddle through, and try to pay some things off when our next contract comes in (late August). Of course, he also needs a couple of thousand to "enhance" his car.
I'm proud of myself for not giving up my dream (the shop), but I'm not sure what the financial future holds. He turned the argument back around to me and says it's all my fault. Inside, I know better, and try to remember how the "A" can do that to a person.
Apparently, he has no concept of "old age", and the expense for any major illness. He pretty much refuses to discuss these needs. I did offer to shut down the shop one day, and take a second (actually 3rd) job for 20 hours a week so I could get us group insurance. Dumb me...fortunately, he didn't like that idea.
I've been really upset over it all, and his pouting, but am pretty much resigned today. I prayed a lot about it, and feel I'm doing my share and then some. The earth is going to turn whether I worry or not, and I don't think they put you in jail for letting the bills get late. Besides, when he's home he gets the phone calls and overdue notices in the mail.
His name is not on the shop's bank account...so I have control there.
Please remember me when you're talking to your HP today...I feel I have all the burdens of the household...and it gets me down.
Thanks, Genie
Morning, I remember in my first marriage to an A, it was not until after the divorce that I realized that he had me convinced that I NEVER contributed financially. I was talking to a friend one day about different jobs we had over the years. Out of 14 years, 10 of which he was in the Air Force, I had worked all but 3 years we were in the Far East. Those three years I volunteered. When I was looking back, I realized that at one point I had worked a full time job that I took my toddler to work with me while I was pregnant with #4, I also worked a part time job during this time. I think in my experience the A has a grandure attitude and doesn't really live in the real world. Hang in there, I am telling myself I am right where I'm supposed to be.
Hugs Mary
Hi I can sure relate
My A lost his good paying job 3 1/2 years ago.
Since then he had his own business but drank too much to keep it up. He has not worked at all since last April
Even though I have a decent job making decent money he would throw it in my face that I would never be good enough because I did not make what he used to make.
Crap crap crap
And he told me I did not make enough to buy a vehicle, well I found out otherwise from the Dodge dealer and bought myself a nice truck
I am glad that you have the shop in your name and are doing well
megan
Genie,
I know from where you are talking- my addict and I both work in his parents family business- I do a lot of the day to day office tasks in addition to waiting on customers (I also keep the daily books) while he sits and waits on the occassional customer, which is great because he is a really good salesperson when he gets motivated to do it. But then he will either sit in the showroom and read his books (yet another addiction- he is very intellectual) or dissappear on 2 sometimes 3 hour lunches. Virtually all my paychecks go right toward bills, while he spends money on coffee at Barnes and Noble or (no surprise) more books. So I know how that is.
Dana
Genie,
Hang in there! I hear you on the money issue. My A thinks that if he works an extra job and makes more money then there isn't an impact of what he does. Right now he is so selfish. He too is golfing. He took another job in a different state after 31 years of marriage - he is telling everyone that he wants to golf more. And I said what about me and our marriage?
So I am looking at separate checking accounts etc. All our financial plans never were really about us when it comes down to it. My friend just left my house after talking over our finances and investments. She said start putting money into separate accounts for me. My A I think is on a relapse on a dry drunk and it can only get worse.
Sounds like you are on the right track. So you can only golf so much and what does it prove. In my immature moments I pray for rain (he, he).
In support,
Nancy
Sun Jyl 23
Dear Belongtome,
I can so relate to you. My husband may lose his job after 34 years because of his drinking. The company was sold and all exployess are to work foir the new company. Heres the problem - my husband has been allowed to drink all these years, now drinkes at work everyday, the owner never put his foot down about drinking. I think that is partly why he sold the company, he has lost faith in my hubby & now needs to look out for himself & his finances.
The new company takes over next Fri, 29th and in NO WAY put up with drinking. I know that deep inside my hubby is hurting badly, and probably fulll of guilt & shame. There is absoulutly NOTHING I can do. It is his choice!!!!! It is killing me to think that we could lose everything but then my HP tapped me on the shoulder. I was thinking of materials things, not how to help if I could. Now I pray that my HP &&his HP help him with his guilt, shame, anger at himself. Its all I can do is alot of Praying.
My heart & Prayers are with you
Yours in Recovery
Kathy570