the other night I could tell my husband wanted to be intimate and I have told him repeatedly that I will not when he is using but he tried anyway. I think he uses sex as an escape as well as the drugs. Anyway instead of just saying no I started a fight with him, telling him I was going to leave him soon. Now why in the heck did I do that? All it did was extend the conversation and the overwhelming feelings of frustration for both of us. But I am scared of him and I feel like if I walked away from him he would go into a rage, so I just sat there and listened to his bs. Then he goes "Well I've been getting it from anyone I can, why do u think i washed my own clothes this time?" I'm like "Is that supposed to hurt me, cuz it doesn't" He says "yeah I guess so". I really find that hard to believe but now I find myself questioning it. I feel like I need to protect myself now if we ever are intimate again! Not that i ever want to again. I've decided to leave him any way i can. I'm sick of it. I don't even know why I ever got involved with him, Gosh dangit!!!
His parole officer told me that he is going to put him in a program before he will arrest him again, even after I told him I don't want him here and he is using in the house when the kids are here, so it's pretty much up to me to get my own place, AGAIN. How am I going to get through this? I know what I need to do for myself, I am just getting into the future too much, huh? He's already been through this program and it won't help. He's been using for 18 years and even if he does get clean I don't think I can take it anymore. My self worth is null and my children are suffering. And the ups and downs are just terrible!!!!! And I just do not want to deal with this crap anymore. I want to be happy and not be blamed for everything. I have to be strong and keep my boundries. And focus on me and pray for serenity and get to some meetings. And try to stay patient. Let Go and Let God. Thanks for listening, I needed to vent.
Julie D I
debilyn said
Jul 19, 2005
julie, I could feel your power in your post. You are stronger than you realize. You have
some strong Al anon skills working for you.
You said what you did, becuz you meant it. We often do say what we really feel when we did
not even think about it first.sometimes we try to retract it, but usually what we said
was the most honest.
Hey ONE day at a time really works. Do not think about anything except what you can do today.
Ok you are concerned (not worrying) about moving. Ok so today look in the paper,
see how much places rent for. Sit and figure what you can afford. Do the dishes,
take your kids for a walk. Make meals, read whatever. But let the rest go. You cannot find a house, move, find money, find childcare, find a job, sleep at night, know you
will grieve in one day. Do you see what i mean? Stay in the moment.
I basically left too. I lived in a room in my barn and had to rent my house so I
would not lose it. One day at a time and here I am in my house, no longer
afraid at all.
Your one line says it all to me. "MY children are suffering." That right there, whoa
baby, I am sorry but the A would be gone or I would. That is ME. NOONE hurts my kids.
Not even now and they are 29 and 30.
But even so, one day at a time. Take care of you, you are very tender right now.
If you even suspect he is cheating, please use good sense. Your kids need you to
to be healthy.
Big hugs, can you get to face to face meetings?
Like others who seriously use alanon skills, miracles await you. love,debilyn
cdb said
Jul 20, 2005
Hello julie,
I sure ditto what debilyn said. She is a very wise person and speaks from experience. Work your program and you will gain more self esteem and get stronger to make the decisions you need to. Remember your HP/higher power too for we need our HP to get through all of this. At least I do. I will say prayers for you that your HP will guide you to what is best for you and also let you know when the timing is right too. your friend in recovery, cdb :)
Belongtome said
Jul 20, 2005
((((((((((((Julie))))))))))
Hey...I know how disgusting intimacy can be when only one person is really there. Ughhh!
This is the perfect opportunity to use all those wonderful al-anon skills you have been learning! You've got it there in your head...just one thing and one day at a time. You will be guided as you go.
Why are we always so hard on ourselves when we accidently say what we didn't mean to say, or do what we shouldn't? The A does that all the time...and forgives themselves in the next moment. We should treat ourselves that well, too.
You said it, he can take it or leave it.
Protect yourself, should it be necessary, or use it as a perfect excuse to avoid intimacy.
Do what you gotta do, lady...you are strong, and you'll find your path with the help of your HP.
Good luck, for today, and find yourself a little serenity, if only for the moment.
Best wishes, G
marmare said
Jul 20, 2005
Good Morning,
I too have gotten pulled into a fight because of my A's way of manipulating the situation to make me think it is my fault. My A also thinks that having sex says "we are okay" again. I understand about the the self worth and the kids. I have to tell you since yesterday morning I have been saying over and over in my mind...."Let Go and Let God" it seems to give me peace. It has helped me to stop what I call ....Future Trippin....LOL I know if the time comes and my A leaves, I can do it on my own, it would be hard, but I have had harder times, with more children living at home and making less money. Hang in there and I think venting helps us to release what is in our brains.
Hugs Mary
dori said
Jul 20, 2005
hi,
all i can say is that i pray you ge3t your children to safety i am sorry for your pain but that is how i left and why i left i loved my children more than i was addicted to him or the chas please get some counling call the battered women shelter someone and get counling and i will keep praying and keep comeing to alanon glad you are here
Maria123 said
Jul 20, 2005
Dear Julie,
A lot of what you were referring to made me think of a non-CAL book which I highly recommend so you know it's not you. The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans. It's incredible what we don't what we don't know.
I will pray for your strength and courage to take care of you and your children. I wish my Mom had left my A Dad moons before he left her. She too was tired and tied into his antics. :(
hey guys
the other night I could tell my husband wanted to be intimate and I have told him repeatedly that I will not when he is using but he tried anyway. I think he uses sex as an escape as well as the drugs. Anyway instead of just saying no I started a fight with him, telling him I was going to leave him soon. Now why in the heck did I do that? All it did was extend the conversation and the overwhelming feelings of frustration for both of us. But I am scared of him and I feel like if I walked away from him he would go into a rage, so I just sat there and listened to his bs. Then he goes "Well I've been getting it from anyone I can, why do u think i washed my own clothes this time?" I'm like "Is that supposed to hurt me, cuz it doesn't" He says "yeah I guess so". I really find that hard to believe but now I find myself questioning it. I feel like I need to protect myself now if we ever are intimate again! Not that i ever want to again. I've decided to leave him any way i can. I'm sick of it. I don't even know why I ever got involved with him, Gosh dangit!!!
His parole officer told me that he is going to put him in a program before he will arrest him again, even after I told him I don't want him here and he is using in the house when the kids are here, so it's pretty much up to me to get my own place, AGAIN. How am I going to get through this? I know what I need to do for myself, I am just getting into the future too much, huh? He's already been through this program and it won't help. He's been using for 18 years and even if he does get clean I don't think I can take it anymore. My self worth is null and my children are suffering. And the ups and downs are just terrible!!!!! And I just do not want to deal with this crap anymore. I want to be happy and not be blamed for everything. I have to be strong and keep my boundries. And focus on me and pray for serenity and get to some meetings. And try to stay patient. Let Go and Let God. Thanks for listening, I needed to vent.
Julie D I
Hello julie,
I sure ditto what debilyn said. She is a very wise person and speaks from experience. Work your program and you will gain more self esteem and get stronger to make the decisions you need to. Remember your HP/higher power too for we need our HP to get through all of this. At least I do. I will say prayers for you that your HP will guide you to what is best for you and also let you know when the timing is right too. your friend in recovery, cdb :)
((((((((((((Julie))))))))))
Hey...I know how disgusting intimacy can be when only one person is really there. Ughhh!
This is the perfect opportunity to use all those wonderful al-anon skills you have been learning! You've got it there in your head...just one thing and one day at a time. You will be guided as you go.
Why are we always so hard on ourselves when we accidently say what we didn't mean to say, or do what we shouldn't? The A does that all the time...and forgives themselves in the next moment. We should treat ourselves that well, too.
You said it, he can take it or leave it.
Protect yourself, should it be necessary, or use it as a perfect excuse to avoid intimacy.
Do what you gotta do, lady...you are strong, and you'll find your path with the help of your HP.
Good luck, for today, and find yourself a little serenity, if only for the moment.
Best wishes, G
Good Morning,
I too have gotten pulled into a fight because of my A's way of manipulating the situation to make me think it is my fault. My A also thinks that having sex says "we are okay" again. I understand about the the self worth and the kids. I have to tell you since yesterday morning I have been saying over and over in my mind...."Let Go and Let God" it seems to give me peace. It has helped me to stop what I call ....Future Trippin....LOL I know if the time comes and my A leaves, I can do it on my own, it would be hard, but I have had harder times, with more children living at home and making less money. Hang in there and I think venting helps us to release what is in our brains.
Hugs Mary
hi,
all i can say is that i pray you ge3t your children to safety i am sorry for your pain but that is how i left and why i left i loved my children more than i was addicted to him or the chas please get some counling call the battered women shelter someone and get counling and i will keep praying and keep comeing to alanon glad you are here
Dear Julie,
A lot of what you were referring to made me think of a non-CAL book which I highly recommend so you know it's not you. The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans. It's incredible what we don't what we don't know.
I will pray for your strength and courage to take care of you and your children. I wish my Mom had left my A Dad moons before he left her. She too was tired and tied into his antics. :(
Keep coming,
Maria123