I have been with this man for 3 years. Three months ago I broke off the relationship because I was tried of being yelled at and neglected. I love this man very much, but he told his family he loves me as a person, but he is not in love with me. I know he is going through a hard time. His divorce 3 years ago, his children move 300 miles away to be with thier mother and will not speak to him because of his behaivor. And now his Dad has fast growing cancer. He will not speak to me at all, because he doesn not want me to think we are getting back together. And not that I have even trying comunicating with him. I feel I need to protect my feeling too. We have gone through break ups before, but this time I have not ran back to him, crying or begging him. He has broke up with me several times in the past, because he knows his behavior hurts me, and he has afften said he is not good for anyone right now. He breaks up with me to protect me, now he is staying away from me after I broke up with him, to protect me. I beleive with all my heart he loves me, and he is trying to convence himself, he is not in love with me. His family members has told me things he has said about me. It is nothing but good things. I am scared he will never find himself, and work on him. He quit drinking 7 months ago, but does not have a program. Please pray for him and Me. Please if anyone has any in put. Please let me know. I have a program and sponsor. I just feel lost, and lonely. Julie

-- Edited by heartless39470 at 14:15, 2005-07-18

-- Edited by heartless39470 at 16:36, 2005-07-18

-- Edited by heartless39470 at 09:22, 2005-07-19

Hi Julie,

From my experience, it doesn't take much for an A to behave the way he does. They don't have very good coping skills. So it could be a major castrophe or taking out the trash that upsets them. I have been married for 31 years and the guy still can't say "I love you" without flinching. And probably it is because he truly doesn't love himself. And I have found that you just can't wait and hope that they get into recovery. So don't wait for him go ahead and get into recovery for yourself so you will be prepared for whatever happens.

In support,

Nancy

 

JULIE TIMES MAY SEEM ROUGH RIGHT NOW---ONE WAY LOVE IS A DIFFICULT SITUATION... PLEASE DO YOURSELF A GIANT FAVOR---CONTINUE TO READ ALL OF THE POSTS HERE AND TRY AND PICTURE THE DAY TO DAY LIFESTYLES OF THE WRITERS WHO ARE LIVING WITH THE TRAUMA OF ALCOHOL....YOU LOVE AND CARE FOR THIS INDIVIDUAL AND THAT IS GREAT---BUT YOU CANNOT FIX THE SITUATION-NO ONE CAN EXCEPT HIM---YOU CAN NOT MAKE SOMEONE LOVE YOU... CONTINUE TO CARE BUT I THINK STAYING AWAY IS BETTER FOR YOUR SANITY--DO YOU WANT TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP WHERE THE OTHER PERSON DOES NOT LOVE---I THINK YOU HAVE BEEN TAPPED ON THE SHOULDER WHEN YOU DECIDED TO BREAK OFF THE RELATIONSHIP--THAT TAP WAS YOUR GUARDIAN ANGEL TRYING TO GET YOUR ATTENTION TO PROTECT YOUR HAPPINESS---YOU HAVE CHOICES---WRITE DOWN ON A PIECE OF PAPER ALL THE POSITIVE THINGS THAT THIS RELATIONSHIP WOULD BRING TO YOU-I DOUBT THAT THE SHEET IS FULL... READ THE STORIES ON THIS SITE--THERE ARE SO MANY CARING INDIVIDUALS THAT CAN AND WILL LEND YOU STRENGTH AND SUPPORT TO MAKE THE RIGHT DECISIONS... YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO BE HAPPY IN LIFE-STAY HERE AND LET THE GOOD CARING FOLKS HELP GIVE YOU THE STRENGTH TO FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS AND HOPES AND TRY TO HELP YOU STEER CLEAR OF THE OBSTACLES IN YOUR WAY... GOOD LUCK AND ABOVE ALL----TAKE CARE OF YOU...

hi,

 well he might love you but this is all he is capeable of loveing you like he is , you got to decide if it enough and you can settle and accept it  as it is

Julie,

There are a lot more  dynamics going on here than just alcoholism.

You say he got divorced three years ago, then you say you have been involved with him for three years. 

Get some books and do some reading about divorce and the trauma it incurs to all invovled.  Most experts suggest that you do not enter into a new relationship until at least a year after the divorce, you need to grieve the loss and adjust to a new life. 

SO, SO, SO many people try to drown their sorrows and grief in the excitement and pleasure of a new relationship.  MOST of these relationships are doomed to failure, since the divorced person is often NOT seeing the other person as a partner, but as a life saver in the grief and pain they are suffering. 

Often, after a few years go by and they begin to heal from the loss it is like they "wake up" and realize they have been with a person all of those years.  As they re-evaluate the relationship they may decide that the person they clung to for comfort is not the person they want for a long term relationship.

The poor partner, going into the relationship with good intentions, and with an open heart, is made to be a scapegoat, often the children especially will blame the new partner for their parents not getting back together.  You probably "ruined" everything in their eyes, being with their Dad so soon after the divorce.  I hope there was no overlap here either, because then they will REALLY blame you and hate you.

Julie, you deserve better than to be the scapegoat in this horrible situation.  His children blaming him to the point of not speaking to him is a very bad sign, incurring lots of guilt.  They all probably blame you for everything.  SO unfair!!!!  You don't deserve this...

Then you add alcoholism to all of this mess and you really have a mess.  Alcoholics are good at blaming others, maybe he even tells his children that you are to blame for the divorce...who knows...I just know that you deserve better than to be the scapegoat in all of this dysfucntion.  You went into the relationship with an open heart, ready to love and commit, you just picked someone very very sick who was not on the same page as you...

That is the lamest line I have ever heard, that they "love you" but are not "IN LOVE" with you.   My husband tried that stupid line with me and I rolled my eyes and told him to to shut-up and left the room.    This phrase does not mean anything, it is only a popular way to dump someone.  Do jerks read the same book or something?  Anyway, my husband tried that line when he was trying to make me the scapegoat for all of his problems.  I told him that if I was so terrible than he could use all of his intellect, education, and money to ESCAPE from my "tyrany".  Guess what?  He is still here...SIGH!  Alcoholics are very good at playing the blame game.  You just have to cut through their garbage and know you are  a good person who has nothing to do with the mess they make of their lives.

 

Isabela

I guess I failed to mention that my A is also AD/HD. And thank goodness his kids don't blame me. They know their parents haven't been getting along for years. He is a very angry person, and right now hates the world. When we first got together I told him he needed to be alone for a while to heal. But he wouldn't take no for an answer and I gave in. Stupid Me. And it seem that I have always been the scapegoat in every situation, mostly for my family. I have a lot of healing to do myself. Julie