I REALISED TODAY HOW SICK I AM.  I LOGGED ONTO MY EX-A'S EMAILS TO SEE IF HE HAD EMAILS FROM ANY WOMEN.  AM SO ASHAMED.  FEEL DISGUSTED IN MYSELF.  I AM THE MOST HONEST PERSON I KNOW AND YET I HAVE SUNK THAT LOW. I JUST CANT BELIEVE I DID THAT.  THATS HOW UTTERLY OBSESSED I AM.  I THOUGHT I HAD THE LET GO LET GOD THING , BUT OBVIOUSLY I HAVE NOTHING.  I TRYING TO FIX SITUATIONS, EVEN IF I HAD FOUND SOMETHING WHAT DIFFERENCE WOULD IT HAVE MADE.  NO WONDER HE DOESNT WANT ME .  I ALWAYS THOUGHT I WAS A KIND, HONEST , CARING SINCERE PERSON .  INSTEAD I AM JUST  A CONTROL FREAK WHO HAS TO KNOW EVERYTHING.  I REALLY HAVE GOT TO GET HELP AND START WORKING MY PROGRAMME PROPERLY AND GET A SPONSOR .

-- Edited by melanieL at 10:31, 2005-07-18

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((mel)))))))))))))))))))))))) wow my heart broke when I read your post, Easy Does IT hunnie. Is beating yourself up gonna work?????? NO it is not, ANd well we all have had our faults in our lifes due to alcohol or drugs of our addicts choice. It is not cause we are not worthy of love from them we are also ill. We can not change an addict we can not stop thier choices, but we can change us, Maybe reading or searching his stuff was not the right thing to do, but at the time you felt you needed too and your life is important so maybe you looked so you can find which direction you need to head in for your recovery. Today forgive yourself, look deep in the mirrior and see the true person you are, a loving beautiful person who has given her all to mend what has been her life, the caring heart who has strived to make it thru this, Hun keep on moving ahead, and take all that love you have and give it to yourself, cause you deserve it, and Keep comming we all need eachother. It is not that your A does not love you or need you it is that you are not tolerating the drinking and you have that right and choice, It is your boundries that will make a difference in the way you see yourself to recover we love ya no quick fix but serenity is right outside the door just open it and come on home god bless love cloud

Melanie,

I second Cloud's post.  They lie to us, constantly!  It's no crime or relapse in your program to want to know the truth---maybe you can live with an alcoholic but not an adulterer--that's your choice and your boundary.  It's not like he's going to tell you that he's communicating with other women via email. 

mom to 2

Melanie,

I'm sorry--I didn't read the x part.  You've already separated from him.  good for you.

mom to 2

melanieL,

Don't do this to yourself (and I can say the same thing to me). I have checked my husband's e-mail because he doesn't talk to me and when he does doesn't tell the truth. This just human nature. And really this is about him not you. And it is about the disease. He will continue to do what he does regardless of how controlling you are or not controlling. The outcome for him is the same because he makes his choices.

Take care of yourself. Take your mind off of him if only for an hour.

In support.

Nancy

I've checked, too, though I try not to. When I do find something, it just makes me feel bad, it doesn't do me any good. In some ways, I'm glad (well, not glad exactly, but I can't think of the word) that I have trouble sometimes stopping myself from doning something that I know I shouldn't. It helps me understand the A. We're all human, and all far from perfect. I just try to do better next time.

I too had a slip into past behaviors, after all the lies and denial; I went to write the check for our cell phones and went through his.  There were 6 calls to and from a number I didn't recongize and out of state.  I confronted my A through his voice mail and then realized I could just call the number ......boy did I feel like an idiot, it was the finance company we through to buy our new SUV.  Had to call my A back and apoligize.  Of course over this last weekend, he threw it in my face at least 3 times.  Back to step one!!!! Hang in there I for one have slipped back to old ways more then once.

Hugs Mary

Hi

Since I am fairly new to this I really can't say very much except that while I was reading your post, I felt like you were really too harsh on yourself and I hope that you can be nicer to yourself in the future and know that you are still that special person you once believed yourself to be.  I have serious self esteem issues and I feel like staying with my A has made them SO much worse.  I know that when I finally find myself again my life will be so much better.  And that is why I am here.  ((((((((((melanie))))))))))

Love;

JulieD

ok well I seem to feel different about this. You are not looking for bottles or needles. You are wanting to know if your a is cheating on you. well for petes sake what is wrong with that??? for one thing we have to keep ourselves safe from disease. to me looking for bottels and looking to see if your husband is cheating are 2 different things. I have no feelings at all about my A using or not. Is not my problem I have no desire to know. But if I thought he was cheating, you bet I would want to know. I am not free to divorce unless he commits adultery or dies. I am very lonely at times, and have been put in a very hard position. Anyway I sure would not be hard on myself for taking care of me. love to you, debilyn

The thing that make it so much more worse is that we dont even live together anymore.  I have no right to look.  I just wanted verification that was all because i think sometimes he uses other women to get to me and upset me.  I never used to be a jealous person at all am still not really, just hurt . 

melanie,

Two years ago I happened upon my husband's email account by accident, honestly.  My daughter was attending an internet school and THEY paid for cable access.  The local cable company allowed us three email addresses with the service.  Since it was for my daughter's school I did not think it was ethical to use it for my personal email so I just kept my free email address.  However, my husband used a hub to connect his own personal computer to the cable access that he keeps in his locked room and was piggybacking off my my daughter's school access that was in my name (and hers) I thought this was unethical and did not like it, but really could nto do anything about it.  The cable company agreed to it and charged him extra for the hub access, so it was borderline so I let it go.  But I personally did not use the system for anything, leaving it for my daughter's school as was the intention. 

Later, when my daughter left the internet school and my husband had to pay for the internet access himself, I thought the email addresses had gone unused, so I checked them to make sure they still worked since it was OK to use them now that he was paying the entire bill.  Since I had the contract that I had signed and was in my name (the school needed a parent to be responsible for the cable access, to make sure it was used for school only), I had all of the passwords.

Imagine my utter and unbelieveable shock to discover that not only was my husband using the email, but he was using it for everything horrible and vile and awful that you can imagine being done on the internet...but all legal though.  Women, all sorts and levels of legal porn etc.

He had put both my daughter and I in SUCH danger!!!!  My daughter could have been expelled from her school and I could have faced criminal charges, since it was registered in my name!  Imagine the scandal!  I would have lost my job...

I had no intention of spying on him and came accross all of this by accident...which I realize now was NO accident!  I know my HP let me see what kind of person I was married to...I had not a clue before then.  I am a total dope when it comes to relationships, always faithful, honest, open, and trusting...only to be taken for a ride by both husband #1 and now this current creep I am married to.

Well, anyway, I printed out copies of as much as I could, for both my lawyer and myself.  Then I confronted him.  I told him that I had had him "investigated" (but I didn't say by ME, LOL) and had uncovered the fact that he had downloaded some internet porn.  I only confronted him with the most mild offense that I had seen.  He denied it at first, until I told him I had "proof" then he made every excuse in the book, it was by accident, someone sent it to him unwanted, he had  deleted it, it was a mistake, lie after lie after lie (I had copies of emails he had written asking that the porn bills be sent to him in unmarked envelopes so I would not see it, what a DOPE!).  Then, after I let him run his mouth about all of these lies, I asked him if he had been writing to any women, he swore to me on everythign sacred and before God that he was not...when I had proof that he was heavily involved in both porn relationships AND romantic relationships on the internet. 

This happened while we were separated, and I was preparing a divorce case against him.  I did not want the divorce though.  I had been beside myself with grief and truly thought I would die from grief when he  stopped speaking to me for months and told me he was "divorced in his heart" (jerk).  This is the man whom I nearly died from grief over?  The man whom I had practically worshipped the ground he walked upon for ten years?  The man whom I had put on such a pedestal?  The man who I thought was a prince? 

This was the liar who had sworn before God to not have done the things I had proof of?

Well, I am quite sure my HP saw to it that my eyes were opened, as I was being a total fool.  If you can't trust your husband, who can you trust?  Evidentally no one.

Well, ever since then I see my husband through new eyes.  Every thing he says to me I assume is a lie, and I assume he is still doing stuff on the internet.  I checked up on him for a while, checked his email, I never confessed to having been the one who spyed on him at first.

I indulged in a little payback and took advantage of his paranoia and told him I had hired a private investigator to get that info for me.  He beleived me (not a total lie, I did have a male friend check up on some of his porn activity I did not want to look at and he gave me copies for my lawyer) and confessed to far more than I ever found out.  Much more than I really wanted to know...

Well, when he finally confessed to all I knew and THEN some and pleaded for forgiveness and another chance AND told me he got a raise at work, I decided to give him another chance...sort of.  Another chance to live in this house, but not another chance at me trusting him, I don't trust habitual and unrepentent bold faced liars. 

When I decided to stop divorce proceedings, I tried to stop checking his email.  He was paranoid about what the "private detective"  was finding out about him through that email and stopped using it anyway.  Still I could not stop.

I realized how unhealthy this was for me and solved the whole problem by confessing to him that I had his password so he could change it. I now have no access to his email and could not check it if I wanted to.  This is better for me, now I just assume he is still doing bad things, but I don't need to know exactly how or what.  I already know he is a creepy liar.

Isabela

Hi Mel..and I don't think you are sick at all..just very human, like the rest of us.  Quit expecting perfection of yourself.  You're okay.  Life isn't over just because you are not proud of your actions. 

You're just normal like the rest of us...fighting the insanity.

((((((mel)))))))))))  G

We are human, and whether or not we follow our program, human behavior is going to creep in to our daily lives. Don't beat yourself up over this. It's no big deal. We do the best we can in dealing with our As, and that's all we can do. Put it behind you; head up, and keep on going one day at a time. Diva