Not sure if this is a approp place for this topic, but, I'm having a problem and wanted to share and hopefully get some advice.
Some history.. I'm alcoholic 23/m with 2 yrs sober time, and I recently moved out of my folks house and into a house with two friends 19m/27f who have 1 and 3 years. I know sober time does not = sanity/sobriety but they both have put in some work to their new way of life, as have I. I've been good friends with the guy and on fine terms with the woman.
I like my room mates well enough to share a house, but am having boundries issues. I'm not messy but I'm ok letting a little dust accumulate, I take out the trash as long as it's not always me.. and I always do my own dishes.
This may seem minor, but I fear.. and this may just be me.. that it will escalate. I bought one cheap plastic bowl, plate and cup.. I'm frugal, whatever does the job is fine.
2 days later, the bowl was cracked and the woman said she had used it to put hot vegetables in it and it cracked... I've used it with hot pasta with no probs but I didn't really worry about it. I thought.. there are 4-5 bowls.. and she has to use mine.. but ok, it was an accident.
Bought another bowl, found it yesterday, cracked. Another accident. Now my one cup is missing.
I like my roommates well enough to live with them, but I don't care to hang out with them all that much. The woman hits on me.. and always probes.. and is contantly complaning about how she wants to get laid. I don't mind, but don't want to go out with her.
The guy is a friend, I used to think was funny.. now not so much. He comes from a very wealthy family, had some serious problems and has come a long way. At one point he said "I had to wash aallll the dishes today." and I replied "They were alll YOUR dishes." At his house he has 2 live in servants.. and 7 cars.. kind of over the top... but I'm not going to be his servant.
I've just started an internship that is going well, and spend most of my time at work.. I really don't want this to screw anything up, and rather than try to play their games, would rather justmove out... a pain since I've only been here a month, but, keep it simple. I feel like they expect me to sit around and boost their self-esteem.. which I don't have time to do and don't want to do since I have my own growing to do.
Anyway.. please let me know what you all think. This is probably a life-experience thing as much as it is an alcoholism issue.. thx!
Jill said
Jul 17, 2005
hi gg welcome. I'm with you. My roommate (husband) was also raised in a house with servants and I think it spoils them. We live in a house with a cleaning service every other Friday. I think we're lucky to have that, and he acts as if servants are here. I just bluntly say buddy this just isn't your day for servants, clean your (fill in the blank). I have to stick to my guns, or else I will be resentful and cranky. I see some improvement, but it's temporary.
I am taking this as an opportunity to practice boundaries, saying it out loud to him and not cleaning up what is his. Sounds like an al anon program doesn't it? Take care, Jill
fiona123 said
Jul 17, 2005
hmmm
well for what ever its worth ... the division of domestic duties issue seems to be an issue for most folks I know
in my marriage ... i was THE SLAVE so it wasnt an issue for the ex hubby
in my present relationship , we talk about it and i whine about it and i * sighs* somehow we work it out
as for "in his home there are servants " ummm ...hmmm am I missing something here ? isnt his HOME with YOU ? So wouldn't that * home* be his PARENT's home ?
It strikes me that unless he wants to pay for someone to do his share , he needs to do it , plain and simple ... much less than that seems destined to cause resentment in even the most Door Mat-ly of humans
good luck
fiona
isabela40 said
Jul 18, 2005
There is another solution to this, one that I utilized when in a similar sitatuion.
When I had this type of scenario (EXTREMELY common as others have pointed out) I just kind of "moved into" my bedroom. I had a tiny fridge/freezer in there for drinks (as in pop and milk) and ice cubes and water and a microwave. I bought mostly microwavealbe dinners and ate in my room with myown pack of plastic sliverware, which I threw away...and that is when I ate at home which I usually did not. I also eventually got a little tiny electric skillet to fry eggs in for breakfast. Usually I grabbed a cheap fast food breakfast sandwhich. Other healthy and simple options for breakfast and lunch is canned soup, which you can heat up in the microwave. You are young so probably don't have any health issues which prohibit this type of diet. However, another great time saving, and money saving delicious food preparer is a CROCK POT. You just buy fresh foods, meats, and veggies, cut them up on a plate and dump it into the crock pot at night before you go to bed. Just buy a good crockpot cookbook for ideas...I have made paella in a crockpot! It is totally safe to have in your room. Then, in the morning you have a nice hot meal. OR you can do this in the morning before you go to work and come home to a nice hot dinner. How would it be to come hom to a lovely homemade pot roast? YUMMMY! And with leftovers too! Make sure you buy a doorknob with a lock for your room. Easy to put on and easy to take back off and take with you when you move out.
I also ate dinner out, and I am not talking nice resturants. I ate simple and cheaply like Taco Bell most of the time for dinner. You also can get a pretty cheap meal at many restaurants for under ten dollars if yhou don't get a drink, but spend money on REAL food and drink water with it. Don't order dessert at the restuarant, instead eat a candy bar in the car. As you see, I had it all figured out.
Actually I SAVED money eating like this as there was NO waste, ever, I always had good FRESH food to eat ( great salads at wendy's are only ONE DOLLAR!) and I saved lots of prep time.
Of course, once in a while I sprang for the ingredients for a home cooked meal, when no one else was home but me. I made sure I cleaned up thoroughly after myself so my roomates never knew, LOL. I put all leftovers in my room so they did not know I cooked.
I would eat things for breakfast like eggs and bougth ready cooked bacon or you can cook bacon in the micro. Lunch (at home) was canned soup. You also can have cereal for breakfast, milk in tiny fridge you keep in your room. You can buy almost anything for the microwave or toaster oven or toaster. Like pancakes, etc.
I would pick up a cheap quick and good dinner on my way home from work to eat in my room, either a frozen dinner or fast food IF I had not prepared something in the crockpot. I also had a TV in there.
This may sound like a HUGE pain to live like this but really it was not. While my roomates squabbled over who did not clean what, or who ate who's food, or who broke who's dish, or who burnt who's pan, I was relaxing in my room with my feet up watching TV, totally removed from the fray.
Be careful when you use the shower too clean up after yourself, buy one of those shower caddies where you can put all of your toiletries in there and take it back and forth to the bathroom so you don't leave your stuff in thier, otherwise when you need shampoo it may not be there. Buy one with a washcloth handle so you can keep that in your room too, I found that NOTHING is sacred to some people...I also kept my toothbrush in there. There are some really nice ones that are mostly used for camping, when you go to the showers, you can keep EVERYTHING you need in there and it is very portable.
Most important is a lock for your bedroom door, lest others use it as a free stockroom.
I had a VERY peaceful existance, a peaceful life, and it was worth every effort. All these things were also thigns I needed and used when I got my first apartment by myself too.
Just suggestions... Isabela
cdb said
Jul 18, 2005
Hello gg,
I have a daughter 21 and a son 23 and they have had many situations with roomates over the years. The happiest they are is when they have thier own place. This is not always possible so it is easier for them to have only one other roomate then. The more that live in the house the harder it is to all get along. If a person knows it is a temporary live in arrangement that can help too. But if boundaries are being broken than that is a problem. When I was in college, I had many roomates over the 4 years. When I look back now, I see how I could have done things better to get along with them and not be so immature. In the scope of life, does it really matter who takes out the garbage etc.? Then it can also be a good time to learn to get along better with people and practice assertiveness too. We will need to get along with all kinds of personalities in the work place so why not practice with roomates? Just a thought. Look at it maybe as a learning experience. Maybe keep notes and look at the humor of it too LOL. Some of it is sort of funny when you think about it. It sounds like you may have a weekly sitcom script starting too :) I like to see the humor in life but I have learned to lighten up over the years since I was your age too. Trust your instincts and go with the flow. Congratulations on your sobriety! That is the priority for our daughter,,,,her sobriety! If she needs to stay sober by not having roomates then she must find a way to live alone. Your sobriety is the most important thing in your life right now in my opinion. Do what you can to be happy now and enjoy life. Don't let the logical little things get you too much if you can. Your friend, cdb :)
hi gg welcome. I'm with you. My roommate (husband) was also raised in a house with servants and I think it spoils them. We live in a house with a cleaning service every other Friday. I think we're lucky to have that, and he acts as if servants are here. I just bluntly say buddy this just isn't your day for servants, clean your (fill in the blank). I have to stick to my guns, or else I will be resentful and cranky. I see some improvement, but it's temporary.
I am taking this as an opportunity to practice boundaries, saying it out loud to him and not cleaning up what is his. Sounds like an al anon program doesn't it? Take care, Jill
hmmm
well for what ever its worth ... the division of domestic duties issue seems to be an issue for most folks I know
in my marriage ... i was THE SLAVE so it wasnt an issue for the ex hubby
in my present relationship , we talk about it and i whine about it and i * sighs* somehow we work it out
as for "in his home there are servants " ummm ...hmmm am I missing something here ? isnt his HOME with YOU ? So wouldn't that * home* be his PARENT's home ?
It strikes me that unless he wants to pay for someone to do his share , he needs to do it , plain and simple ... much less than that seems destined to cause resentment in even the most Door Mat-ly of humans
good luck
fiona
There is another solution to this, one that I utilized when in a similar sitatuion.
When I had this type of scenario (EXTREMELY common as others have pointed out) I just kind of "moved into" my bedroom. I had a tiny fridge/freezer in there for drinks (as in pop and milk) and ice cubes and water and a microwave. I bought mostly microwavealbe dinners and ate in my room with myown pack of plastic sliverware, which I threw away...and that is when I ate at home which I usually did not. I also eventually got a little tiny electric skillet to fry eggs in for breakfast. Usually I grabbed a cheap fast food breakfast sandwhich. Other healthy and simple options for breakfast and lunch is canned soup, which you can heat up in the microwave. You are young so probably don't have any health issues which prohibit this type of diet. However, another great time saving, and money saving delicious food preparer is a CROCK POT. You just buy fresh foods, meats, and veggies, cut them up on a plate and dump it into the crock pot at night before you go to bed. Just buy a good crockpot cookbook for ideas...I have made paella in a crockpot! It is totally safe to have in your room. Then, in the morning you have a nice hot meal. OR you can do this in the morning before you go to work and come home to a nice hot dinner. How would it be to come hom to a lovely homemade pot roast? YUMMMY! And with leftovers too! Make sure you buy a doorknob with a lock for your room. Easy to put on and easy to take back off and take with you when you move out.
I also ate dinner out, and I am not talking nice resturants. I ate simple and cheaply like Taco Bell most of the time for dinner. You also can get a pretty cheap meal at many restaurants for under ten dollars if yhou don't get a drink, but spend money on REAL food and drink water with it. Don't order dessert at the restuarant, instead eat a candy bar in the car. As you see, I had it all figured out.
Actually I SAVED money eating like this as there was NO waste, ever, I always had good FRESH food to eat ( great salads at wendy's are only ONE DOLLAR!) and I saved lots of prep time.
Of course, once in a while I sprang for the ingredients for a home cooked meal, when no one else was home but me. I made sure I cleaned up thoroughly after myself so my roomates never knew, LOL. I put all leftovers in my room so they did not know I cooked.
I would eat things for breakfast like eggs and bougth ready cooked bacon or you can cook bacon in the micro. Lunch (at home) was canned soup. You also can have cereal for breakfast, milk in tiny fridge you keep in your room. You can buy almost anything for the microwave or toaster oven or toaster. Like pancakes, etc.
I would pick up a cheap quick and good dinner on my way home from work to eat in my room, either a frozen dinner or fast food IF I had not prepared something in the crockpot. I also had a TV in there.
This may sound like a HUGE pain to live like this but really it was not. While my roomates squabbled over who did not clean what, or who ate who's food, or who broke who's dish, or who burnt who's pan, I was relaxing in my room with my feet up watching TV, totally removed from the fray.
Be careful when you use the shower too clean up after yourself, buy one of those shower caddies where you can put all of your toiletries in there and take it back and forth to the bathroom so you don't leave your stuff in thier, otherwise when you need shampoo it may not be there. Buy one with a washcloth handle so you can keep that in your room too, I found that NOTHING is sacred to some people...I also kept my toothbrush in there. There are some really nice ones that are mostly used for camping, when you go to the showers, you can keep EVERYTHING you need in there and it is very portable.
Most important is a lock for your bedroom door, lest others use it as a free stockroom.
I had a VERY peaceful existance, a peaceful life, and it was worth every effort. All these things were also thigns I needed and used when I got my first apartment by myself too.
Just suggestions...
Isabela
Hello gg,
I have a daughter 21 and a son 23 and they have had many situations with roomates over the years. The happiest they are is when they have thier own place. This is not always possible so it is easier for them to have only one other roomate then. The more that live in the house the harder it is to all get along. If a person knows it is a temporary live in arrangement that can help too. But if boundaries are being broken than that is a problem. When I was in college, I had many roomates over the 4 years. When I look back now, I see how I could have done things better to get along with them and not be so immature. In the scope of life, does it really matter who takes out the garbage etc.? Then it can also be a good time to learn to get along better with people and practice assertiveness too. We will need to get along with all kinds of personalities in the work place so why not practice with roomates? Just a thought. Look at it maybe as a learning experience. Maybe keep notes and look at the humor of it too LOL. Some of it is sort of funny when you think about it. It sounds like you may have a weekly sitcom script starting too :) I like to see the humor in life but I have learned to lighten up over the years since I was your age too. Trust your instincts and go with the flow. Congratulations on your sobriety! That is the priority for our daughter,,,,her sobriety! If she needs to stay sober by not having roomates then she must find a way to live alone. Your sobriety is the most important thing in your life right now in my opinion. Do what you can to be happy now and enjoy life. Don't let the logical little things get you too much if you can. Your friend, cdb :)