I'm having a bit of a tough time today.  I really made my peace with getting a divorce and was doing fine.  Hubby was partying his ass off in sunny California and I was doing my thing here on the east coast.  After 2 weeks of non stop partying he wanted to come home---cried and begged, needed to see his children, etc.  I told him he could not come to the house unless he was in rehab.  It took him another 5 days to get rehab set up and fly home.  I allowed him to see his children (ages 3 and 1) and drove him to rehab.  This would have been his second 30 day stay since March.  He stayed one day, said it was dirty and he couldn't stay there.  I told him he could not stay at our house indefinitely---but we have no money for him to stay at a  hotel or apt---he hasn't worked since March.  I allowed him to stay here--don't really know why.  He was being a great dad, trying to make things up to me (impossible), seeing an addictions/relapse specialist---I still told him he was going to have to leave after we figured out a financial arrangement.  The divorce has been filed and he is aware of that---begging me to stop it.  Fast forward ten days---after his appt with addictions doctor went to applebees and got drunk (at lunch).  Came to the house at 4a.  He felt sick about it blah, blah, blah--laid around reading tons of lit the next day and went to an aa meeting---but went out to get drunk again---that was just about 24hrs ago.  He called at mn last night and said "I'm sorry, I'm such a loser, I just can't stop it."  So that's it in a nutshell and I don't know why I'm feeling so bad today---I think I liked it when he was across the country--I knew he wouldn't just show up here.

I'm just feeling so sad for the person he used to be---I don't know this person.  Before he went to rehab in March he was completely functional and a good dad---his drinking was a problem some of the time but certainly not all of the time.  He was here for all holidays and attended all parties and did not get drunk at the parties.  He has missed every holiday since Valentine's day and he has been drunk more than sober and is anything but functioning at this point.  He seems to hate himself for what he's doing but can't stop??  And I just found out that he made a "friendship" with a woman at rehab---he's also never been a cheater--so I don't know what's up with that and maybe he went back to Calif to see her.  I know there is no hope for us at this point but I just want my children to have the best of everything and right now their daddy is just the worst.  And financially I'm so devastated---we have a house that we were renting and it needs to be sold but it needs alot of work and the renters were a little dirty--had al ot of animals and the place stinks.  We could sell it and make a profit but the work needs to get done--stuff I can't do like a roof and ceiling.  I can't keep him sober long enough to get anything done.  I went to check out the house today and I just started to cry because the amt of work needed is so overwhelming and I can't afford to pay anyone to do the work.  So right now I have 2 mortgages that I can't afford.  I'm so scared right now and I don't know what to do.  When he's around I tell him how worried I am and he says he'll take care of things and go back to work---then he's gone again.

I know so many of you have been through these situations and I know you all are ok.  After I filed for divorce I read so many posts about divorce making things worse and I got so scared about that too.  I know that staying married is safer for my children--I never want them to be alone with him anymore (he's not abusive in any way) but I'm afraid he will drive drunk.  While we are married I can protect us a little from his irresponsibilities---maybe not anymore.  I've read post from many that stay with the A for these reasons.  I just don't know what to do anymore---I can't let him walk all over me and my children.  He can't come and go as he pleases.  I set boundaries and he broke them and I filed for divorce---so who's the loser now---I don't even know anymore.

I just want a good life for us.  I want him sober and healthy for the sake of our children whether we stay married or not.

mom to 2

I wish I could say something that would make it all better for you. Are you getting any support through all this? Any help? Any fun? Alanon tells us, when things are feeling hopeless, to not try to think too far ahead. Just do the next right thing, live one day at a time. If you look at the big picture, sometimes it just seems overwhelming, but you can do all right if you take it in little bites. Please don't concern yourself too much right now with your husband's pain. There isn't too much you can do right now to help him. Letting him manipulate you, play on your guilt, does not help him and does not help you. Say what you mean, mean what you say, and don't say it mean. Do you have a govenment agency there that helps people affected by addictions? I ask because our agency here, AADAC, was very helpful to me. I spoke to a counselor a few times and he really helped me put it all in perspective. Someone knowlegable about addictions can give a lot of insight and help make sense of behaviour that justs floors you by its unreasonableness. As always, we are there for you. Hang in there.

(((Mom)))

When there are kids involved I know it gets so much harder. We don't have the luxury of just taking care of ourselves. We are responsible for the children. We have to look at what is best for all of us, and on top of that, it is one thing for the A to accept the consequenses of their actions, but we cannot allow the children to suffer those consequenses.

No one can tell you what the right thing for you to do in your marriage is. It is your life, your husband and your children. Only you know what is best, and if you are anything like me, most of the time, you don't have those answers either.

I feel the same way as you, no matter what happens with my husband and I, I want him sober and 100% for our children. I have had to do some accepting lately, that no matter what my children are the children of an alcoholic. Nothing will change that fact. I do accept part of the blame for that, as I knew he was an alcoholic when we had the younger ones. I can't change facts, but I can give them the tools to help them succeed in thier lives, and to deal with this disease their father has. Sometimes I think the guilt I feel about having children with an alcoholic is what makes me so determined to get him well. I sometimes still have trouble accepting the fact that, I cannot "get him well". That is a gift I cannot give my children, but I can give them a Mom who is well, and who loves them, and who does whatever possible to protect them. I can also do wahtever possible to make them understand this disease and the tools to deal with it as they get older.

Take your time, and listen to your heart, when the time is right, trust in your HP that you will figure it out.

                              Love Jeannie

Thx. Said a prayer for you.. some advice that I should follow myself.. just keep praying, turning over resentments, making amends.. and look for the direction of your higher power.

Hi Momto2, now that was a tough day you're writing about! At the end, you said you set boundaries and he broke them, but you also said he wanted to come home and you allowed it. You set a boundary and later changed it. That's OK, just remember you changed it so that you don't think your boundaries are not working.

About the rental house (I hope it's ok to give "free advice" here, and you know what is said about its value LOL), if you don't have money to pay for the restoration, is it possible to take a bank loan against its equity? That way you could sell it for full price and repay the loan out of the sale proceeds. Could that reduce some of your anxiety?

You sound as if you're doing a wonderful job taking care of yourself and your children. Keep in touch with us during this difficult time. Take care,  Jill

I read your post and tears fell.  I know how you feel about wanting a life the way it use to be.  I was married for 14 years to an A.  A violent abusive A. 

When I met my current husband he was a customer, I was a bartender.  He was fun, he made me laugh, and he was never violent.  We fell in love, he moved in with me.  He would go on binges and be gone for 2 or 3 days.  I would kick him out.  Then we ended the relationship with me telling him that I could not live with another drinker, he didn't work on a regular basis etc.  He got clean and sober and 3 months later we were back together.  I didn't know about the disease like I do now.  We were married right at his 1 year mark of sobriety and life was grand.  5 months later he was drinking again.  My children are older but they have been impacted by the disease.  As I learn more I share with them. 

With all that goes on it is hard for me to set healthy boundries and work on me.  Hang in there, stick to your boundries, and learn what I have learned that there are so many of us that are impacted by the disease.

Hugs Mary

just stoped by to say hope u r a little better and to give you my prayers and a ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hug))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) love you odat it will be better love cloud

 

you wonder why ya feel so bad??? Geez lady you have so much life stuff going on at once. Ok can you refi your house? Or houses? You could get enough to fix rental and sell it. Is that an option? As far as him home, why? You said finances are bad now, how much will he eat up being there? For me, I made him comfy enough to make it easier for him to drink more. Yea I heard the hating himself, wants to stop too. I think they mean it. But again we cannot do anything about it. Is totally up to them. If I had kids, I would take care of us, period. My kids are so much healthier since we did it with out him around. All he did was get drunk once and threw everything around and we had t to go next door in our nightgowns, with my two dogs....scared us to death. I see his disease manipulating and playing games. For me, who needs it. the rehab dirty or not, it was not the reason he left. He left to drink. As far as another woman, cheating is not part of alcoholism. It is his morals. for me, totally taking care of me and mine is how I got well. The a's stuff is his own. I don't even want to hear about it or know about it. rehab, drunk, sober, whatever it is not my business. His disease is his own. I don't rationalize, or think about it. It is all insanity to me, and a horrid demon disease. I want to have light and love and happiness. I refuse to allow a disease kill me too. I don't even talk to my kids about him now. It would just hurt them. They hate him for hurting me so much all these years. Anyway again, the best way to get well, get on with your life, is to focus on you guys and take steps to make your goals of a secure home and life. You being healthy and happy is the best you can give them, I promise. They don't need you to be sick too. they will learn from your example. If you are stressed and upset, your kids will be. IF you say, daddy is sick. He would want us to take care of ourselves until he can get well again. If they ask when he will bet well just say, it is up to him. We cannot do anything for him but take care of ourselves. Keep posting. much love,debilyn

Please think carefully about what you are doing.

Keep in mind that your children's Dad is an alcoholic, there is NOTHING you can do about that.  He continues to drink, nothing you can do about that either. 

My husband says that our daughter needs to learn that "most men like to drink".  Well...I don't know about that, but he has a point even in his convoluted way. 

There was no addiction in my family of origin.  I knew nothing at all about addictions, knew no warning signs, no red flags.  I walked headlong into disaster.  My husband took advantage of my ignorance and married me, without revealing his problem.  My ignorance doomed me to a miserable marriage.

Our daughter sees firsthand the misery of a marraige to an alcoholic and will know the red flags and what to watch for.  She knows that there are a LOT of addicted men out there and knows that dating will be like stepping into a minefield.  Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know that some woman are addicted too, but statistics PROVE that many many many more men are addicted than women to alcohol.  When my husband makes a stop at the liqour store, 99% of the clientele are men.   Just more anecdotal evidence to  validate the statistical research.

Many many people think I should divorce my husband, but I won't, not yet anyway.  I have my lines in the sand and he has not crossed them.  My lines in the sand are:

1) Not working and paying major bills around here.

2) Adultery.

3)  Becoming disabled in anyway (this is his idea ). 

Everyone's lines in the sand are different.

Divorce is a very very serious life altering event, not only for you but for your children.  Think about it carefully. 

If it were me, I would wait until I was on better footing before filing for a divorce.  Maybe wait until the other house is cleaned and finished up and re-rented or sold?  I would think LESS about him and his friend or his rehab and MORE about my children. 

It sounds like you still have choices at this point...maybe you can forestall the divorce while he fixes up your second house?  Then you are in a better position to make choices for your children.  SInce you have young children you need to really carefully consider THEIR needs.  Two mortagages is a lot to carry on your own, and you can't risk financial ruin since they are depending on you.

Why not suggest your husband live in your second house?  That way he can be paying the mortgage on one of the houses and he will be on his own, yet still helping you.  You will continue to build equity TOGETHER in the second house and when you sell it you will still win out as you will get an equal share of the equity.

I know that lots here opt for divorce, and some choose to stay. 

I am a child of divorce and I can tell you it is devastating.  Children usually survive...but normally do not thrive after a divorce.  They are like earthquake survivors...alive but forever changed and traumatized.  I have done extensive research into this, and despite the "hype" that a "bad marriage" is worse for children than a divorce...well...research and statistics just don't bear this out.  The only exception to this would be a case where the children are physically or sexually abused.

As a teacher I was usually the one who had to deal with the devastating effects of divorce on  children, the parents were usually too swallowed up in their own grief to help them too much.  The deep and overwhelming sadness and grief the children I knew felt was heartbreaking to witness, MUCH worse than when their parents were still married, even when things were supposedly bad. 

I am not advocating staying in your marriage, only you can make that choice.  I am only giving you things to think about.

 

Thank you all for your well thought out responses.  I could get a second mortgage on the rental property---no a bad idea but I need my hubby to be around to sign--and I have no idea when he will be around.  He doesn't want to live in the second house--who knows why.  I am focused on my children 100%---right now there is no focus on me and I know that will have to change but for now...I have to focus on the fact that at this point addiction is running his life.  He wasn't like this before---he never drank like this before---I never imagined that things could get so bad so quickly.  I don't want him to live with us at this point in time---I need to legally separate myself from his finances---I need to separate myself from his "bottom" which is coming soon--credit will only take you so far.

I do have options and I do see them and generally I feel blessed for the options I have.  My children are angels on this earth.  I have a good job and a wonderful home--I have alot of equity--but not alot of liquid funds.  I don't want to put alot of focus on this but I am grieving over the loss of a life we once had---he was a good man who drank too much some of the time--I don't know what he is anymore, can't separate the alcohol from the man anymore.

I am having a hard time coming to grips with the fact that rehab sent him over some edge and he spiraled in a way that no one ever expected.  Esp. his counselors and himself.  Divorce is the last option for me, but it's been filed since June--I won't stop it.  It will break my heart but I can't live like this anymore.  Nothing changes if nothing changes.

mom to 2

Megan,

I could sell the rental home without fixing it up and I may have to do that--but I will lose alot of money.  The real problem is that I can't keep my hubby around long enough to get it done and I need him to sign to sell the house.  I talked to my lawyer and I can go through the courts to allow myself to sell the house without his permission--that will take several weeks.  I will probably hear from my husband soon enough and will try to get him to get it done.  He wants to do the work to make a profit but he is so undependable right now.

This downward spiral has happened so quickly--I am shocked.  I keep saying the same things over and over--he was a good dad-provider-a fairly good husband (he lied about stuff of course trying to hide his alcohol and drug use).  But now he is partying on a level I've never experienced.  Spending tons of money at expensive clubs and restaurants--with wealthy people that he just met in California (he's not wealthy, but pretending to be).  He has accrued a ton of credit card debt and he will NEVER be able to pay it off.  He too has no job.

If it was possible I'd remove my babies from the situation completely, but it is not.  He has legal rights to see the children and I want them to see their dad if at all possible.  I don't know lwhat the future will bring--I hope it doesn't get worse but I think it will.  It does keep getting worse and worse--if he doesn't show up soon I'll try to get the courts to allow me to sell the house without him--as is---maybe someone will want to buy it and fix it up.  If he does show up I'll just have to hog tie him until all the legalities are taken care of.  I thought divorce was the only option and now I'm afraid of divorce because of the visitation issues with the children.  Sometimes the judges will show sympathy to the father and be too lenient---I'm scared to death, my lawyer says it rarely happens, but rarely is not never.  Right now my husband is not threatening in any way---he feels bad for what he is doing and goes along with everything I say--except when he's on a binge and I can't get in touch with him.  I am rambling on and on---thank you for listening. 

I hope you get good news from the lawyer---I found seeing the lawyer to be both liberating and frightening at the same time.  I thought the divorce was filed but 3 weeks later I got a bunch of papers to fill out and the divorce won't be filed with the courts until way later.  I am afraid that serving my husband divorce papers will send him further over the edge-if that's possible-but that's not my problem.  If I didn't have the small children I'd just leave this house and move into a place by myself---I don't feel like that's an option right now.

He is not mean or abusive to us he is just absent---he used to be present more than absent but not any more.  Things will work out---I think I'm just feeling a little overwhelmed and anxious about the future.  I know--one day at a time.  You seem like you are doing so well--I'm so happy for you.

mom to 2

Hi Mom

 

Liberating and frightening at the lawyer.

I am quite scared but have written down what I need to find out.

3 weeks later and more papers? OH MY....

 

You and your family are in my prayers

 

Megan

Hey there Mom...just a quick note to you...reminding you that until you take care of yourself, you won't be in best form for the children.  So....give it up a few minutes, and relax...just for you.  The problems won't go anywhere for that length of time, and maybe you can clear your head and be open to receive the answer to your situation.

Our financial situation has gone bad, quickly, too...and he's been a dry drunk for over a year. 

My heart is going out to you today...hang tough to do what's best for you,

(((((momtobe)))))