I know unbearable pain, as I've lived it for so many years, first in an abusive childhood that covered all realms of abuse, emotion, psychological and sexual, into my adult life choosing relationships that are unhealthy, some that were not alcoholics, but rather codependent, controlling, possessive, etc...  and the last with an alcoholic.  The fear of neglect and abandonment had always overwhelmed me with panic attacks something severe-- to the point I often felt I was having a heart attack.  Some led to the emergency room and some just let me to believe that I had no purpose or meaning in this world.  Other times, I questioned myself as a mother...  ALL because of the unhealthy relationships I had chosen, as a result of having been taught indirectly that was all I deserved.  The fear of abandonment came from the neglect and abuse as a child I had suffered.  It wasn't until I discovered what specifically it was that had hurt me or caused that fear deep inside of me that I was able to rise above that fearful feeling and constant panic attacks, "thinking" I could never take care of myself or my children financially AND turning to God to trust Him completely that the fears I had began to subside.  With each dream I had often thought of but never acted, came more and more hope for a future for ME.  Although, I too was not even working when in my marriage and had a husband even make me feel so dependent on him telling me that I'd never make it on my own, deep in my heart I knew that I could do it somehow, someway and I just needed to take that step forward.   As an alcoholic must believe in God (HP) and admit their powerless over alcohol, I knew I had to admit my fear and realize I was powerless without God in my life.  It was once I came to terms with developing my relationship with God that my life began to change.   This transition all began in 1998 with my divorce, while my children were 8 and 10 years old---  since my daughter developed a seizure disorder and my ex-husband attempted suicide twice.  (All hell literally broke lose)  The ties that bound me were gone though-- I began my career and relied heavily on God to give me strength and direction.   I'm happy to say that I bought my home on a beautiful lake just over one year ago and only have 8 classes to go to receive my BS in Technical Management.  Additionally, I just began a job in the level of a position I always had dreamed to be at, even BEFORE I knew how I could even work.   Not only did I get the job that I had always hoped someday I could pursue as a Network Administrator, but the job I just began is also a local government position with a full pension. 

So.....  if I had to sum everything up in a nutshell about how I managed to come from where I came from and succeed emotionally, physically, and financially, I can only say that it was and continues to be my trust in God completely and knowing that each day is the beginning of the rest of my life.   I now know that I can do all things through Him that created me and I also know that I certainly deserve to NEVER be treated with disrespect as I had been so often in my unhealthy relationships.

My prayers are with you.....   Nothing is impossible with God. 

Take Care!

Hello sanddie,

Your post brought tears to my eyes. I have never been in a situation in my life like now where I need to connect with God. With my parents failing health and my fear of abandonment, I so related to your post. Seeing my mom with alzheimers and dad with congestive heart failure breaks my heart. It really makes me look at life after death too. I am so full of so many mixed feelings about the suffering in this world and yet I am lucky to have a solid belief in God. With my disability it brings lots of questions too for me and my life. I know I will have the answer some day and will manage with what I have now, even though I cannot work and use my college degree. Thanks for your post of inspiration and hope. I sure needed to read it now. your friend in recovery, cdb

(((((((((((cdb)))))))))))  Something that ALWAYS helps me when going through trials and tribulations is to know that even though God provided us with a beautiful world to live in... the trees, sunrise and sunset, flowers, birds, blue skies, bright moon and stars, babies....  Ah, babies, who show us how truly close we are to God-- the Truth still and ALWAYS will remain.  That when we put our focus on our earthly life we will continue to live that life and feel so many emotions with much pain.  Although you struggle with a disability that I'm sure must make life so difficult for you, remember that God is closest to us through our trials and tribulations.  Proof of that comes from knowing Jesus and what He suffered.....   There are two books in the bible that get me through ANYTHING in this life and that is the Book of Job, as well as Josephs life.   Although these men did right and lived a completely Godly life, they suffered extreme tragedy, loss of health, imprisonment just to name a few... stated their case to God because God does listen, even when we do not understand-- and sure enough, the faith they held so deeply in their heart was their reward and their lives changed.  What was once impossible to both of them became possible. 

I know how hard it is as everyone else does here, BUT I also know as you indicated that someday we'll understand why we suffered in some of our circumstances, even if that someday is not during our lifetime here.  Actually, this lifetime here is just a short journey back home and prepares us for that time so I can feel peace knowing that any decision I make here ONLY gains or diminishes my wisdom in preparation for going home.  :)   We will be given test after test after test and from what I've found the more I hold onto God over ANYONE OR ANYTHING else, my strength remains and I can have peace inside.  I can be so thankful for ALL of the people that God brings into my life because with each comes a lesson to be learned-- all something that God wants us to learn.  He takes our life circumstances and helps us gain wisdom (when accepted as part of His plan) and internal peace through Him. 

As I write this to you, my daughter is in her 30th day of treatment at a rehabilitation center-- doing worse than I had ever known her to be in her life.  She will be turning 17 in this facility on Wednesday and has indicated to my mother (because she calls her rather than me on occasion lately) that she does not want me to come for her birthday.  She is VERY angry with me for not allowing her to live with her Dad (who just got out of jail for the past 100 days due to 2 OWI's) Like I told her, Dad or stranger, I wouldn't allow her to jeopardize her safety as long as she is under my care and if she wanted to hate me for the rest of her life and walk away from me, I'm willing to accept that---   Well, right now it's looking like this might happen and to be honest, I can't help but prepare myself for the worst.  Ya see, my daughter is 17, with an academic level of 3.9 grade due to her seizure disorder that affects the part of the brain that contributes to comprehension and so much more.  Unfortunately, adding alcohol into the mix as she had chosen to do suddenly (the past 8 months) makes it MUCH worse for her. 

She's been inpatient twice already wanting to kill herself over the past 5 years (just talking, but no attempts)  But, it was still serious enough that it led to inpatient treatment. 

I tell you my circumstances BECAUSE when I write it may sound at times like I am too positive about circumstances or decisions to leave unhealthy relationships... I also sometimes have questioned myself about the ability I have to walk away from people I love so much and think as a Christian should I be doing that-- would God walk away from these people who are sick.    I don't believe He would-- actually I KNOW He wouldn't.  They are who need Him most.  However, many choose to walk away from Him OR never even come to believe in Him.  One of His greatest gifts is the CHOICE He gave us to choose right and wrong, choose Him or this world...   I will be thankful for Him my entire life because without Him I wouldn't have all the support and love of so many people--- sometimes even a stranger on the street to offset having to separate myself from unhealthy people whom I love so much so that He can work His plan for their life.  It's not about me at all...  

Take Care cdb and many prayers are with you, your family.. HUGGGGSSSS

Dear Sandie , thank you also for that post.  I have been doing the same job for the past 15 years and absolutely hate it.  I also have three lovely children aged 15, 11 and 6 years.  I have just handed my notice in at work to spend more time with my children and pursue a psychology decree.  I am not sure how I am going to manage financially.  I have always worked to support my ex-a and our children and quite frankly I am so so tired. I am 35 years old now and feel that if i dont do something for me now i never will.  I did this two weeks ago and have another two weeks to go at work.  I am absolutely scared to death , last night i was so scared i could not even sleep.  I dont have a solid faith to fall back on, this god thing is all very new to me.  But i am trying my best to have faith in my HP.  Many thanks.

Hang in there melanie....  it gets easier once you are off the roller coaster.  Remember that as an alcoholic those fears that we have will ALWAYS surface and is a lifelong recovery process.  Each time we experience that fear when a triggered emotion occurs, we can easily fall back into our codependent nature.  The more we work at recognizing that fear and when it is occuring, we can bring ourselves back to the moment more quickly.  I am to the point that when I become fearful or anxious, I immediately recognize that it is a learned behavior and focus on something positive like my career that I love or my children who I love and do all I can for to guide them in the right direction and of course, first and foremost God.  :)  He is the ONLY reason I've gotten through ANYTHING.  And of course, it is everyone like you and cdb and so many others that God has planned to have in my life to help me through it all. 

Something I like to do when I begin to think negatively, ESPECIALLY when it comes to finances because I have my days that I fall into worrying if I can make it and take care of my children is 1.) Pray and 2.) Realize that the same thoughts of negativity about what tomorrow holds could be replaced with a positive thing....   For instance, how do I know that tomorrow I won't win the lotto or the Publisher Clearinghouse Truck won't pull up to my house.  hahaha, okay so seriously-- well, I am serious actually. We do not know what God has in store for us and just think.... Wouldn't it SUCK if we gave up simply because of focusing on our fears and negativity and miss an opportunity of a lifetime?  Of course it's always easier to focus on the negative so I force myself to turn that thought around to a positive thought.  The truth is NEITHER has happened so essentially why do I think that the negative will happen?  That is a question I often ask myself when I fall into that learned thought pattern.  It usually brings me right out of it.  

Take care and hang in there.... My prayers are with you.