I have been doing a lot better at keeping my mouth quiet when my A is going off on me for trivial reasons but last night I wanted to kill him.... It was the middle of the night and he went to get a drink and the pitcher of juice spilled all over the counter and the floor and it turns out this is MY FAULT somehow. He wakes me up and yells at me to clean the rest up since it's my fault that I did not come into the bedroom to sleep with him. Where is the connection? Does anyone know? Cuz I almost burst out laughing!!!!! But of course I told him to just shut up instead and he started slamming doors and the whole shebang and my kids had friends over and I was so tense that I wanted to beat him like a man! He has been clean all week and is still in a foul mood. Usually his mood brightens after a couple of days of being sober. He has been yelling at me all week and I had just had it! I just don't say anything becuz I don't want to start a fight and then he accuses me of not caring about him. How do I win? I guess I don't need to win as long as I am happy with myself which I try to be. BUT...... if i start yelling back then a whole bunch of unrelated issues come up and ding ding!! rounds 2,3,4,5 go on. And nobody wins especially not my children. It SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am trying to work on it-does anyone else just blow it sometimes?
Friend in Alanon,
Julie
cocoa said
Jul 16, 2005
Sounds like my A - the difficult task is for me to remind myself not to engage in his insanity. Not engaging at best is not responding and praying quietly to keep my mouth shut and here comes the kicker the action - which is keep my mouth shut. Sometimes quickly and sometimes very slowly.
Cocoa
debilyn said
Jul 16, 2005
nope nope nope I never blew it, nope that iced tea and salsa hit the
wall alllll by itself, and nope I never grabbed him by his collar and
said "that is enough of that crap, you will never touch me again!!"
(c: The disease loves to pull us in. I promise you will get to a place where you
won't even think to respond. It will come natural to ignore the demon.
So what he has not drank! That means zero to me. If they have not developed a program
then they might as well drink. Program like, be honest, do not yell, accept consequenses
for my behavior, don't drive with out legal things in place, think of others first
etc....
I see your being aware you are still responding as next time you will think before you
say anything. Or not think at all in time and just go on. I don't care what it says or
does, just a yappy disease, not worth my time.
I know it is mean maybe, but sometimes I would just agree. OH hmm sorry your feel
that way. OH yes you must be right!!! lol lol
Hey that would go along with your wanting to laugh. Hon they are taken over by a
very strong illness. The loved one inside, wants you to not give the bs any energy.
glad you are here, if you want to throw something, make it something easy to clean and
paint over.. lol love,debilyn
kismetstrand said
Jul 16, 2005
browneyes wrote: BUT...... if i start yelling back then a whole bunch of unrelated issues come up and ding ding!! rounds 2,3,4,5 go on. And nobody wins especially not my children. It SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am trying to work on it-does anyone else just blow it sometimes? Friend in Alanon, Julie
Hi Julie, Oh you bet I blow it sometimes!! LOL My Al-Anon slips. (Yes we have slips too!!) I'm learning that when I start feeling angry/moody/upset/etc what I really need to do is talk to someone in program and get those feelings out with those who understand. Now of course, this doesn't always happen...i'm only human and imperfect...thank god i don't have to be perfect! Progress, not perfection. But part of my progress is acknowledging when I've blown it and cleaning up my side of the street. That might mean that I apologize to hubby - not necessarily for what I said, but for HOW I said it - depending on just what happened, ya know? My sponsor has helped me quite a bit in learning to do this. As long as I am learning from my slips and progressing...well I think that is what counts. I know my A appreciates it when I acknowledge my own slips, and I see him working on his own side of the street too in return. Hang in there Julie...Easy Does It. (((((((((hugs))))))))
Kis
sweetpea29 said
Jul 16, 2005
Hi,
My name is Robyn I am 29 years old. I feel so resentful because of my A husband. I know I shouldn't but i do. I just want to be happy again with my life. I want everything to be like it was when I first met him. Yeah he was doing drugs but he was so much kinder and much more loveing to me. I don't want him to do drugs but I don't want him to drink either. He tells me all the time he don't have a problem with drinking it's all me and if i would leave him alone and spend more time with him he might not want to drink but i tried to spend time with him and every time he would go get a beer. I am so resentful because his mom told him to drink a beer or two I know she was trying to help because that was when he was doing drugs and stuff but now he just don't care about any thing any more. I just want my life back and to tell you the truth he is my life but not when he drinks. I am so sad all the time it has gotten to were i don't want to do any thing like clean house and he calles me lazy allthe time but i always tell him thats his fault. I know it isn't it is mine. I just want to feel like i matter to him. Well, I need to close because i am running out of things to say here. But i do want to say thank you for being here for people like me I am so glad I found this site. Thanks again,
Robyn
sanddie said
Jul 16, 2005
I read everyone's stories and have to admit I begin to feel selfish and like I really didn't care when I think back to my ex a. Sometimes I have to question myself because I am beginning to reclaim myself and feel so good about who I am and also have a sense of empowerment for having made the CHOICE to leave a very unhealthy relationship, NOT because I no longer love him, nor because I miss him, but because I know that my relationship with God is more important than a man that I am unequally yoked with and ultimately brings me down so low, questioning who I am, my beliefs, feelings and purpose for my life. We become like who we most are around-- this is proven and I have chosen to be around people who are uplifting and confident, loving and compassionate.... I give you ALL so much credit for sticking in there, but yet having come from so much and moving on to be healthy and okay for me and my kids, I try to understand why anyone would continue to subject themselves to such emotional, mental and at times physical abuse. I know how much I love my ex a and so many others including my family who was always abusive to me, BUT I also know that I am soooooooo worth more than being treated like crap by these people who supposedly love me and in turn, have chosen to move on......
I'll finish in saying though, I was once where you were-- the anger, the strong detachment to the point I was numb to my feelings, pushed my need aside because of the hope I always had that my abusers would recover because I loved them so much. What occured through this process though is my self esteem diminishing and my desire to acheive my goals put on hold always until I get stronger.....
One last thought--- after having read Debilyns response to this- NEVER, NEVER, NEVER throw a bowl of cottage cheese when upset because it is REALLY, REALLY difficult to clean up, especially on shag carpeting. hahaha
Take Care!
-- Edited by sanddie at 20:41, 2005-07-16
Jeannie said
Jul 16, 2005
(((((Julie)))))
I think we have all blown our stacks, and more than once.
I have made more than a few messes in my day, and am not proud of it.
Just a few months ago, I smashed some soup and a few other things on my In-Laws driveway. Then the guilt got me and I went back to clean it up.
I am basically a passivist, but I have wanted to smack the heck out of my husband on so many occasions. In the past I did, all too often. Now I just think about it, and don't do it. I also don't make too many messes anymore, while it might make me feel better at the moment, I am the one who has to clean it up.
Hang in there.
Love Jeannie
cdb said
Jul 17, 2005
Hello browneyes,
I sure agree with what everyone replied to you above. Just know that you are not alone in this nonsense. We don't have to join in the fight or the drama. It gets better the more we practice not joining in. For me it is a mental thing at the time of what I am saying in my own mind. My husband is a it is your fault person. I think he learned it from his upbringing. I come here when he gets bad and get support and more confidence. Keep on coming back and posting and you will find you will get better at detatching from the drama and better at taking care of you. your friend in recovery, cdb :)
Hello all and hope everyone is doing ok
I have been doing a lot better at keeping my mouth quiet when my A is going off on me for trivial reasons but last night I wanted to kill him.... It was the middle of the night and he went to get a drink and the pitcher of juice spilled all over the counter and the floor and it turns out this is MY FAULT somehow. He wakes me up and yells at me to clean the rest up since it's my fault that I did not come into the bedroom to sleep with him. Where is the connection? Does anyone know? Cuz I almost burst out laughing!!!!! But of course I told him to just shut up instead and he started slamming doors and the whole shebang and my kids had friends over and I was so tense that I wanted to beat him like a man! He has been clean all week and is still in a foul mood. Usually his mood brightens after a couple of days of being sober. He has been yelling at me all week and I had just had it! I just don't say anything becuz I don't want to start a fight and then he accuses me of not caring about him. How do I win? I guess I don't need to win as long as I am happy with myself which I try to be. BUT...... if i start yelling back then a whole bunch of unrelated issues come up and ding ding!! rounds 2,3,4,5 go on. And nobody wins especially not my children. It SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am trying to work on it-does anyone else just blow it sometimes?
Friend in Alanon,
Julie
Hi Julie, Oh you bet I blow it sometimes!! LOL My Al-Anon slips. (Yes we have slips too!!) I'm learning that when I start feeling angry/moody/upset/etc what I really need to do is talk to someone in program and get those feelings out with those who understand. Now of course, this doesn't always happen...i'm only human and imperfect...thank god i don't have to be perfect! Progress, not perfection. But part of my progress is acknowledging when I've blown it and cleaning up my side of the street. That might mean that I apologize to hubby - not necessarily for what I said, but for HOW I said it - depending on just what happened, ya know? My sponsor has helped me quite a bit in learning to do this. As long as I am learning from my slips and progressing...well I think that is what counts. I know my A appreciates it when I acknowledge my own slips, and I see him working on his own side of the street too in return. Hang in there Julie...Easy Does It. (((((((((hugs))))))))
Kis
Hi,
My name is Robyn I am 29 years old. I feel so resentful because of my A husband. I know I shouldn't but i do. I just want to be happy again with my life. I want everything to be like it was when I first met him. Yeah he was doing drugs but he was so much kinder and much more loveing to me. I don't want him to do drugs but I don't want him to drink either. He tells me all the time he don't have a problem with drinking it's all me and if i would leave him alone and spend more time with him he might not want to drink but i tried to spend time with him and every time he would go get a beer. I am so resentful because his mom told him to drink a beer or two I know she was trying to help because that was when he was doing drugs and stuff but now he just don't care about any thing any more. I just want my life back and to tell you the truth he is my life but not when he drinks. I am so sad all the time it has gotten to were i don't want to do any thing like clean house and he calles me lazy allthe time but i always tell him thats his fault. I know it isn't it is mine. I just want to feel like i matter to him. Well, I need to close because i am running out of things to say here. But i do want to say thank you for being here for people like me I am so glad I found this site. Thanks again,
Robyn
I read everyone's stories and have to admit I begin to feel selfish and like I really didn't care when I think back to my ex a. Sometimes I have to question myself because I am beginning to reclaim myself and feel so good about who I am and also have a sense of empowerment for having made the CHOICE to leave a very unhealthy relationship, NOT because I no longer love him, nor because I miss him, but because I know that my relationship with God is more important than a man that I am unequally yoked with and ultimately brings me down so low, questioning who I am, my beliefs, feelings and purpose for my life. We become like who we most are around-- this is proven and I have chosen to be around people who are uplifting and confident, loving and compassionate.... I give you ALL so much credit for sticking in there, but yet having come from so much and moving on to be healthy and okay for me and my kids, I try to understand why anyone would continue to subject themselves to such emotional, mental and at times physical abuse. I know how much I love my ex a and so many others including my family who was always abusive to me, BUT I also know that I am soooooooo worth more than being treated like crap by these people who supposedly love me and in turn, have chosen to move on......
I'll finish in saying though, I was once where you were-- the anger, the strong detachment to the point I was numb to my feelings, pushed my need aside because of the hope I always had that my abusers would recover because I loved them so much. What occured through this process though is my self esteem diminishing and my desire to acheive my goals put on hold always until I get stronger.....
One last thought--- after having read Debilyns response to this- NEVER, NEVER, NEVER throw a bowl of cottage cheese when upset because it is REALLY, REALLY difficult to clean up, especially on shag carpeting. hahaha
Take Care!
-- Edited by sanddie at 20:41, 2005-07-16
(((((Julie)))))
I think we have all blown our stacks, and more than once.
I have made more than a few messes in my day, and am not proud of it.
Just a few months ago, I smashed some soup and a few other things on my In-Laws driveway. Then the guilt got me and I went back to clean it up.
I am basically a passivist, but I have wanted to smack the heck out of my husband on so many occasions. In the past I did, all too often. Now I just think about it, and don't do it. I also don't make too many messes anymore, while it might make me feel better at the moment, I am the one who has to clean it up.
Hang in there.
Love Jeannie
Hello browneyes,
I sure agree with what everyone replied to you above. Just know that you are not alone in this nonsense. We don't have to join in the fight or the drama. It gets better the more we practice not joining in. For me it is a mental thing at the time of what I am saying in my own mind. My husband is a it is your fault person. I think he learned it from his upbringing. I come here when he gets bad and get support and more confidence. Keep on coming back and posting and you will find you will get better at detatching from the drama and better at taking care of you. your friend in recovery, cdb :)