My husband is newly sober for about 5 months. We are also newly married. He has started wirting about his past and is getting moody again.
Also we aren't inmate any more. We were more inmate before we were married. It is a very hard thing to deal with. I feel as though there is something wrong with me.
melanieL said
Jul 15, 2005
New sobriety brings a whole load of other problems doesnt it? I sometimes think my ex-a was better when he was drinking. He certainly isnt a nicer person. He has been sober about five months also and completely has driven me mad for the past 5 months. I am now completely detaching from him because I cant stand it any longer, her has just broken my heart for the last time. I have read that many A's in early sobriety has problems being intimate and there are lots of readings on sex conduct as this seems to be a big issue with lots of them. Dont despair go to lots of f2f meetings and get some support for you. Let him deal with his own issues and you deal with yours. Take care and dont loose heart.
lebe27 said
Jul 15, 2005
Nycbt,
Can relate. My A has been sobering up on and off for 3-4 months at a time and then relapsing. Sex life is nonexistent when he is sober. Seems he is only comfortable being intimate when he is drinking or drugging. Have just discovered good reason for it. He was sexually abused as a child (he finally opened up to me this past weekend and I am the first person he ever told). During sobriety those memories and feelings flood back and he can't handle them so he returns to drinking. He just got out of detox again yesterday. Detox has set him up with outpatient group and individual counselling. Hopefully, the individual counselling will help him deal with his abuse issues and he will not need to bottle them up anymore. Know it will take time but it is a start. It seems that many alcoholics/addicts have suffered this type of abuse and the drinking and drugging is how they deal with it. Just a possibility for you to consider. Regardless, don't take it personally and take care of you. Your alanon friend, Lebe27
browneyes said
Jul 15, 2005
Hello
I feel the same way sometimes. Like there is something wrong with ME when he is being an a##. If only I did this or that then he would be nicer. But he usually tells me when he is clean that it has nothing to do with me, it's all of the crap that comes with addiction, hating himself and the guilt for all of his wreckage. He acts like a jerk but I can see it on his face that he is struggling not to be. The drugs are very powerful and trying to stay clean is like letting all of those feelings out that you had been stuffing down with the alcohol or drugs. And everything is overwhelming plus the physical withdrawl is terrible. He says the cravings overpower everything, even the love he has for me and our children. I always used to think that if he loved us enough he would stop but somehow(I cannot comprehend this) thats not the way it works for some people. He has also been sexually abused and he is "shy" when it comes to lovemaking when he is clean as opposed to being high. It's as if he feels more exposed, and the intimacy intimidates him, like he is not good enough. As a sexual abuse survivor myself, I can understand the feeling. You defenses are up, the trust issue is damaged and it is extremely hard to open yourself up again to possible abuse. And even if you have not been sexually abused if you are used to being intimate when you are drunk or drugging it it may be hard to be comfortable in that situation sober. And I have also found that with my husband, he is so into himself and trying to stay clean,(when he is, not very often) that we are just background noise. All of his focus is on staying clean and HIS needs, physically and emotionally. I was reading The Big Book and it was talking about having PATIENCE, TOLERANCE, UNDERSTANDING, AND LOVE for the addicted person. For a long time, all I had for my husband was rage, hurt, mistrust, hatred, impatience, etc., etc., and I am slowly learning through AlAnon that I am only hurting myself when I feel this way because he has no comprehension of who I am and how I am feeling when he is messed up and he surely isn't concerned with my happiness so I better be! Keep coming back and try to make yourself happy regardless of what he is doing. Thanks for posting and I hope I helped.
Take care
nycbt said
Jul 15, 2005
Thanks you guys for sharing.
abbyal said
Jul 15, 2005
Hi NY , your husb is reliving his past and having diff comming to terms with h is own behavior, this again has nothing to do with you. His feelings , allow him to have them Just dont let him take his guilt and shame out on you. As to the intamacy well often when sober the A cannot perform sexually , that is perfectly normal . again has nothing to do with you. Be patient, expect changes he is still Stark Raving sober. hehe Inatamcy will come soon enough.
Some times we have to reach out to them, a hug a caress and a quick peck on the cheek , will slowing convey to him that it will be ok. When my husb used to with draw from me , I did too, to day I remind myself that it is not me he is just having a diff time at the moment. continue to reach out ,u do it for you. And remember that often the A sober or not feels unlovable and some are totally confused as to why we still love them and don't feel worthy.
Just keep going to meetings and looking after yourself. This is his stuff. don't take it personally. If you can find a copy of the Sexual Intamcy book that al anon printed a few yrs ago it will help alot the personal stories there will show u one more time that what is happening in your home is not unique. Also the book Dilema of the Alcoholic Marriage offers great solutons for intamcy problems after sobriety.
good luck Louise
-- Edited by abbyal at 18:38, 2005-07-15
cheri said
Jul 15, 2005
Hi...
If your husband is writing about his past he is probably working on his 4th step right now. This is where he takes a thorough and searching moral inventory...and he probably is feeling the pain of his past behavior. It was total hell for me while I was working on it, but as soon as I did a 5th step with my sponsor I felt as if I had been released. I swear I floated home. Hopefully he is going to lots of meetings during this time.
There is nothing wrong with you...he is just working through his stuff right now. It will get better.
Love,cheri
nycbt said
Jul 18, 2005
My husband is working on the first step at this time.
My husband is newly sober for about 5 months. We are also newly married. He has started wirting about his past and is getting moody again.
Also we aren't inmate any more. We were more inmate before we were married. It is a very hard thing to deal with. I feel as though there is something wrong with me.
Nycbt,
Can relate. My A has been sobering up on and off for 3-4 months at a time and then relapsing. Sex life is nonexistent when he is sober. Seems he is only comfortable being intimate when he is drinking or drugging. Have just discovered good reason for it. He was sexually abused as a child (he finally opened up to me this past weekend and I am the first person he ever told). During sobriety those memories and feelings flood back and he can't handle them so he returns to drinking. He just got out of detox again yesterday. Detox has set him up with outpatient group and individual counselling. Hopefully, the individual counselling will help him deal with his abuse issues and he will not need to bottle them up anymore. Know it will take time but it is a start. It seems that many alcoholics/addicts have suffered this type of abuse and the drinking and drugging is how they deal with it. Just a possibility for you to consider. Regardless, don't take it personally and take care of you. Your alanon friend, Lebe27
Hello
I feel the same way sometimes. Like there is something wrong with ME when he is being an a##. If only I did this or that then he would be nicer. But he usually tells me when he is clean that it has nothing to do with me, it's all of the crap that comes with addiction, hating himself and the guilt for all of his wreckage. He acts like a jerk but I can see it on his face that he is struggling not to be. The drugs are very powerful and trying to stay clean is like letting all of those feelings out that you had been stuffing down with the alcohol or drugs. And everything is overwhelming plus the physical withdrawl is terrible. He says the cravings overpower everything, even the love he has for me and our children. I always used to think that if he loved us enough he would stop but somehow(I cannot comprehend this) thats not the way it works for some people. He has also been sexually abused and he is "shy" when it comes to lovemaking when he is clean as opposed to being high. It's as if he feels more exposed, and the intimacy intimidates him, like he is not good enough. As a sexual abuse survivor myself, I can understand the feeling. You defenses are up, the trust issue is damaged and it is extremely hard to open yourself up again to possible abuse. And even if you have not been sexually abused if you are used to being intimate when you are drunk or drugging it it may be hard to be comfortable in that situation sober. And I have also found that with my husband, he is so into himself and trying to stay clean,(when he is, not very often) that we are just background noise. All of his focus is on staying clean and HIS needs, physically and emotionally. I was reading The Big Book and it was talking about having PATIENCE, TOLERANCE, UNDERSTANDING, AND LOVE for the addicted person. For a long time, all I had for my husband was rage, hurt, mistrust, hatred, impatience, etc., etc., and I am slowly learning through AlAnon that I am only hurting myself when I feel this way because he has no comprehension of who I am and how I am feeling when he is messed up and he surely isn't concerned with my happiness so I better be! Keep coming back and try to make yourself happy regardless of what he is doing. Thanks for posting and I hope I helped.
Take care
Hi NY , your husb is reliving his past and having diff comming to terms with h is own behavior, this again has nothing to do with you. His feelings , allow him to have them Just dont let him take his guilt and shame out on you. As to the intamacy well often when sober the A cannot perform sexually , that is perfectly normal . again has nothing to do with you. Be patient, expect changes he is still Stark Raving sober. hehe Inatamcy will come soon enough.
Some times we have to reach out to them, a hug a caress and a quick peck on the cheek , will slowing convey to him that it will be ok. When my husb used to with draw from me , I did too, to day I remind myself that it is not me he is just having a diff time at the moment. continue to reach out ,u do it for you. And remember that often the A sober or not feels unlovable and some are totally confused as to why we still love them and don't feel worthy.
Just keep going to meetings and looking after yourself. This is his stuff. don't take it personally. If you can find a copy of the Sexual Intamcy book that al anon printed a few yrs ago it will help alot the personal stories there will show u one more time that what is happening in your home is not unique. Also the book Dilema of the Alcoholic Marriage offers great solutons for intamcy problems after sobriety.
good luck Louise
-- Edited by abbyal at 18:38, 2005-07-15
Hi...
If your husband is writing about his past he is probably working on his 4th step right now. This is where he takes a thorough and searching moral inventory...and he probably is feeling the pain of his past behavior. It was total hell for me while I was working on it, but as soon as I did a 5th step with my sponsor I felt as if I had been released. I swear I floated home. Hopefully he is going to lots of meetings during this time.
There is nothing wrong with you...he is just working through his stuff right now. It will get better.
Love,cheri