So much for yesterdays posting, feeling really anxious today. Trying very hard to not let resentments build, but still feeling tearful and pathetic. Just cannt believe I still feel like this. When will it ever end? I know they are only just feelings and I have to work through them, spent a lifetime suppressing them after all. Still think I would rather be numb than feeling like this. What amazes me is that I am not unattractive, pretty intelligent women, and still i pine after someone who just doesnt want me, just doesnt make sense! I know he doesnt deserve me, doesnt value me, doesnt, respect me, love me or any of the otherthings a person needs in a healthy relationship, not to mention the infidelity, and yet still i obsess over him. WHY?
nmike said
Jul 14, 2005
I hear you melanieL! I read "Women Who Love Too Much" and have been listening to Dr. Laura tapes. Take what speaks to you and leave the rest. It seems to come down to self esteem. If you don't think that much of yourself really then you substitute other things. Like if they will just love you then you must be ok. They both say that you have to build a relationship with yourself before you can have the relationship that you deserve.
I struggle every day with exactly what you struggle with. My recovering A moved out because he wasn't "happy and life is about being happy, and I am not happy in this relationship, and I don't want to see you and talk to you for a year, and you are just sick and crazy" and on and on. So do I get the hint? No, I wonder why he doesn't love me, I think about how to get him back, I say to myself that it wasn't that bad. Oh god, stop me. I do know that when I am weak and needy it plays right into his hands and when I am strong and competent it plays into his hands - there is no difference in how he treats me. He eats it up when I am down and out and he has to rescue me. He is very threatened when I figure things our and take a stand. Either way I lose.
So, my strategy for myself is to build that relationship with myself. I went out and got the chainsaw working (I don't need him to do that). When I say I love him, I think that a lot of it is fear that I can't be by myself. Why would I say that I love a man who treats me poorly? I think when I do this and he knows that he treats me poorly, it just reinforces he power over me.
So I think what you are doing is part of the disease and that we are powerless over it but we still can make choices. Saying that you deserve better is a choice. Honoring your feelings is a choice. I find that it is changing for me very slowly but it is changing. Don't give up.
In support,
Nancy
dori said
Jul 14, 2005
melanie,
I think we do it till we dont have to any more why do we obsess about him cause we have been afected by all of this and hard to let go.you keep at it keep working it letting go one day at a time ..it is ok to love them with detachment if you chose to do that.
it is been 3 years for me and if his name is said outloud or i see him i can go from tears to laughter to rage in 3 secnods flat ha..
so give your self a break just keep at it
Idealsummerluv said
Jul 15, 2005
I know it hurts but why feel so bad when I bet you are still the same beautiful and awesome person he fell in love with. You are still that special person. Not being with him doesn't make you any less of a person.
melanieL said
Jul 15, 2005
Thank everyone , your all right i just need to deal with it one day at a time and be gentle on myself. Thanks so much for ur support as always.
So much for yesterdays posting, feeling really anxious today. Trying very hard to not let resentments build, but still feeling tearful and pathetic. Just cannt believe I still feel like this. When will it ever end? I know they are only just feelings and I have to work through them, spent a lifetime suppressing them after all. Still think I would rather be numb than feeling like this. What amazes me is that I am not unattractive, pretty intelligent women, and still i pine after someone who just doesnt want me, just doesnt make sense! I know he doesnt deserve me, doesnt value me, doesnt, respect me, love me or any of the otherthings a person needs in a healthy relationship, not to mention the infidelity, and yet still i obsess over him. WHY?
I hear you melanieL! I read "Women Who Love Too Much" and have been listening to Dr. Laura tapes. Take what speaks to you and leave the rest. It seems to come down to self esteem. If you don't think that much of yourself really then you substitute other things. Like if they will just love you then you must be ok. They both say that you have to build a relationship with yourself before you can have the relationship that you deserve.
I struggle every day with exactly what you struggle with. My recovering A moved out because he wasn't "happy and life is about being happy, and I am not happy in this relationship, and I don't want to see you and talk to you for a year, and you are just sick and crazy" and on and on. So do I get the hint? No, I wonder why he doesn't love me, I think about how to get him back, I say to myself that it wasn't that bad. Oh god, stop me. I do know that when I am weak and needy it plays right into his hands and when I am strong and competent it plays into his hands - there is no difference in how he treats me. He eats it up when I am down and out and he has to rescue me. He is very threatened when I figure things our and take a stand. Either way I lose.
So, my strategy for myself is to build that relationship with myself. I went out and got the chainsaw working (I don't need him to do that). When I say I love him, I think that a lot of it is fear that I can't be by myself. Why would I say that I love a man who treats me poorly? I think when I do this and he knows that he treats me poorly, it just reinforces he power over me.
So I think what you are doing is part of the disease and that we are powerless over it but we still can make choices. Saying that you deserve better is a choice. Honoring your feelings is a choice. I find that it is changing for me very slowly but it is changing. Don't give up.
In support,
Nancy
melanie,
I think we do it till we dont have to any more why do we obsess about him cause we have been afected by all of this and hard to let go.you keep at it keep working it letting go one day at a time ..it is ok to love them with detachment if you chose to do that.
it is been 3 years for me and if his name is said outloud or i see him i can go from tears to laughter to rage in 3 secnods flat ha..
so give your self a break just keep at it
Thank everyone , your all right i just need to deal with it one day at a time and be gentle on myself. Thanks so much for ur support as always.
Mel