I was thinking the other day, I wonder if there are A's out there that are good people even if they use? I would think we all come here becuz we love an A who's disease is driving us crazy. Guess in a way it is no surprise. It is like doing certain drugs make you act a certain way. Alcohol makes the A act a certain text book way. I read how in the latter stage the A will get an anger, that they honestly do blame everyone else for everything. My A believes i took everything away from him. It used to shock me when he told people this bs. Some believed him. Not anymore becuz he does it to everyone now. Everyones house is a toilet, everyone is stupid, etc. once these guysat the gas station helped me push my truck to the gas pump, died a few feet before... I heard them ask for 80 cents of gas! I gave the gal $5 to give them gas. When I got home I told A about it. Just talking uno? No big deal, but later when he got drunk He yelled at me about how we can barely make it and I am giving money to guys... oh brother, I was working, he was not. I love animals. I have an animal sanctuary. Well since we got married I would talk over the rescue with him I was doing and make sure it was ok with him too, to bring in the rescue. Well he always said of course, even brought home some himself. But when he was drunk he would yell at me about bringing hom all these animals!! Took me a long time to realize he was two or more different people. Of course I could never tell him anything anymore. I mean nothing. I quit talking all together. Of course I got hell for that too. I did not stop my life though, as you can see, the animals are still here at Eden and so am I. But I had over 20 years of growing up before he came back. I am very confidant, and did not do the enable game. I am sure I would have had I married him when we were kids. But being a widow for 20 years, going to college full time and working full time and raising my two teens and a few extras....his disease had a real challenge with me. It did tear me up, it took my husband away. But thank you hp, I am still me. I do not depend on him for anything. I started to and almost lost everything. So this is what makes me totally understand why it is so dang hard to leave them. Especially if you have kids, it is not like we can go out the door with no money, nothing with our babies. But I tell ya, there is help if you do choose to. Sometimes I think it is like walking out of Satans grasp into hp arms. That first step is very hard. I was just thinking when my A started going bonkers, I kept looking at him saying, "what is wrong with you???" I had NEVER seen any of this behavior for many years from him. Even now, it is so hard to believe what the disease has turned him into. I am not kidding, he is like a walking demon. I don't believe he has a heart anymore. Here I am living in paradise. Maybe not to some, but to me it is everything I have aevery wanted. A five acre place on the side of a mountain. Nice barn, good fencing, loving animals two wonderful adult kids, a truck that runs anyway, may be a 78 chevy short bed pickup but it starts and gets me everywhere.. sure I get lonely. A's disease chased a few good friends away. And yes if they were really friends they would be here. I chose to walk away, and keep walking away. It was hard, i wanted to die, the anxiety inside my gut was so horrible, like carrying a wobbly bowling ball in my gut. Nightmares, inability to eat. I know others go thru this too. But when I kept putting one foot in front of the other, something happened. I walked to the deck and talked to hp. I surrendered. I felt that giving up, giving it all to hp. I knew if I kept putting one foot in front of the other, doing the work and allowing the outcome to be from hp, my life got better and better. I have faith, complete faith. It may not be what i think I need either. I finally got to where if i lost my house, and i ended up homeless in the woods, then I did. I would take all my animals with me. I mean it too. Dori responded to a post, that I am sure a lot of us have almost done. I have been where she is. I read it and thought how much I wished I could do something for here. We all need loved ones and anti stressers when we are in so much pain. Without al-anon I don't know if I would have survived this horrible situation. thank you to all of you for sharing here. love,debilyn who is going to go get feed and food!!! when a year or two ago i was starving living in my barn!!

Isn't nice to know that we can think outload here and we are heard.

Hugs Mary

Debilyn, You are one of the most inspirational Alanoners (is that a word?) has on this board. God Bless you for sharing, helping and most of all, for surviving to talk about it. You Rock!! Christy

 This is my first reply.  I hope it works.  I want to thank you for a very inspiring contribution.

My prayers are with you.

 

toto12

 

Darling Deb

So good to 'hear' you again. You put into words and have a way with words that avokes so much for many of us. I love your shares as I go through my own life with my a.

So true..as time goes by my a becomes more negative..part of the disease..everything and everyone wrong and stupid..no matter what they do..part of the 'tin god syndrom' , but, he does have a heart...you know that. My a is so negative and abusive a lot of the time but i can see underneath that the kindest, but very sick person.

my heart burts with hurt sometimes at what my a says to me...but this does not last long as i come here..or phone my sponsor.

Know that you are so special

love you

iona54