My husband with whom I am separated from (almost 4 weeks now) is calling and telling me all the things he is doing since he has cut back from the drinking, partying, etc. (he is in counseling and I believe went to an AA meeting). I try to encourage him but I do not want him to think he can just pop back in, all fixed, all better. I am at the point, I need this time away from him and I am finding I just do not know if I would have the strength to ever go through this again. So you see, I just don’t know how much to believe that this is the “REAL DEAL”. When he called last night, I try to explain that I just do not know how to trust again and I know that will take time but I just can’t seem to look ahead, everything I remember are the awful things, the good times seemed to have faded away.

Anyway, when I was trying to tell him my thoughts, it seemed that since the conversation was not going the way he had hoped it would, what a change in his attitude. He started getting mad so I told him I was hanging up, which I did. Of course, he called right back and again, I told him just let me be for the night and please do not call back the rest of the evening, which he did respect.

Then he called me today at work, and he just seemed so different, like, “feel sorry for me”. He said he was doing all this for “us” and I am so negative about it.

Guess my question is how come now I am feeling like the bad person. I guess I am not suppose to let him know how I feel even though I have been listening to his feelings. He canceled his counseling session today for he didn’t feel like going, what for?. I just got a feeling he is going to drink tonight. (Oh yea, his second job is in bars doing shows) And I am sure it will be my entire fault in his eyes if he does drink. What am I supposed to do? I actually think it probably would be best if we do not talk for a few days for I just don’t want any arguments, I want him to get better but it has go to be for him.  Any advice?? Thanks!

This is a great site and I hope I do not become a pain for I am sure I will have other questions and concerns.

Hi becka and welcome ask away

 

I left my husband of 14 years 9 weeks ago.

I have devised (along with my therapist the criteria for our reconciliation.

My husband will be sober and in a program for 6 months before i consider it.

Then I found the list below and added it to the reuirements.

My husband said he quit drinking and is "being good" for us but i know better 14 years better.

Congratulations on moving out and finding alanon

We have meetings in the chat room at 9am and 9pm

here is my requirements (besides the 6 month sober):

Here's what Lundy Bancroft in his great book: WHY DOES HE DO THAT says:

 

HOW TO TELL HE'S CHANGING

 

He acknowledges and accepts responsibility for what he's done, fully acknowledges that he used abuse to control you and that it was wrong, and he isn't blaming you, other people, his stress, his job, or any other outside circumstances for his choices.

 

He is no longer denying it, making light of it, or making excuses for it.

 

He acknowledges that he chose to behave this way instead of saying that other people made him do it, or that he can't control himself.

 

He fully understands and acknowledges that what he did was wrong.

 

He admits lies, he admits what he's done and is not longer making up stories to make himself look better.

 

He is no longer trying to hide his behavior from others.

 

He understands that recovery from abusiveness takes a long time and he'll have to work at it for a long, long time.

 

He understands what his behavior has cost you.

 

He understands fully that you have been hurt by what he's done, and the ways in which you've been hurt.

 

He will talk about it with you in depth about how you feel, your fear, your hurt, your anger, your rights, your lack of trust for him and understands fully that it is his behavior that has caused it.

 

When you express anger at him, he listens instead of getting angry and trying to shout you down, threatening you or trying to convince you that something's wrong with you for feeling that way.

 

He is sorry for what he's done, and is working hard to overcome the damage he's done and is actively making up for it by giving you back what is rightfully yours - money, rights, freedoms, choices, etc..

 

He understands that it will take his victims a long time to recover from what he's done to them.

 

He is proving to you that he understands that you're a human being with rights and is no longer trying to take them away from you. No more double standards.

 

He understands that you're an equal human being, and he's not superior to you.

 

He's pulling his weight.

 

He's respecting your opinions, even the ones with disagree with his.

 

He's accepting your right to be angry with him for what he's done, and you can talk about his abuse with him.

 

He's respecting your right to independence and your right to freedom.

 

He stops interfering in your friendships and family relationships and you are able to re-establish and repair these, and make new friends.

 

He stops monitoring your movements, demanding to know where you are and who's there.

 

He stops expecting sex on demand.

 

He is taking into account how you're affected by his behavior and choices.

 

He's stopped drinking.

 

He's stopped doing those things that are inappropriate for a committed relationship.

 

He takes responsibility for what he does and how it affects you

 

He acknowledges the contributions you made to the relationship.

 

He is no longer blocking communication, he listens and respects what you have to say.

 

 

This is just what i need Becka....

Take what you like and leave the rest 

 

 

I remember my early days in Al Anon, some days felt like I was going to go insane if I didn't learn how to stop the thoughts and worries that seemed to continue to go through my head. Most of the time, I was so focused on my A , that I couldn't see the person who really needed my help-ME! It took a lot of Al anon meetings, and a loving sponsor to help me understand how this simple program can work; it is simple program, but at times, not easy. For me, it meant learning how to detach, with love.I needed to learn to do this, as my entire life, I ignored my own wants and needs, because I was too busy taking care of everyone else. It took me awhile to understand that it doesn' t mean that I have to let myself be a doormat, but that I can set a boundary, and stick to it. At the same time, I don't have to be mean or hateful to another person, especially if they aren't behaving the way I want them to. Sometimes, it's as simple as turning off my cell phone, or unplugging my wall phone if I don't want to take calls. Other times, I am a little more firm " I'm going to ask you not to call me at work. I will be available at 530- can I give you a call back at that time?". This program teaches me that there are probably a million ways to work the steps, to utilize the slogans, and that each one of us (Including my A!) has a HP who is watching and guiding us.- so maybe I don't have to be in charge after all. This helps me to "let go &let God" ((Huggs))

This is why in this program we focus on ourselves, not the A. It is impossible for you to know what is best for him, whether he really is getting better, what he needs in order to really change, and on and on. All you can do is change the parts of your own behaviour that you are not happy with - for many alanons, this means being as good to ourselves as we are to others. I know that I often veer between being angry and resentful of his behaviour, and feeling guilty and sorry for him if he has to suffer. What I am finding, through this program, is a balance. I can take care of my own needs without being selfish and horrible to others. I don't have to be perfect, but I can work on trying to be fair, to myself as well as to others. If you are feeling unsure, that is a good sign that you are not ready to go back to him. It took a long time to get this sick, it will take a long time to get better. If he truly is trying to get well, then you can present your keeping apart as not a punishment to him, but a chance for him, too, to really look at his life and work on his recovery, without the stresses of a day to day relationship. Most As new to recovery don't have much energy to devote to their marriages.

Hello,

My husband wanted everything to be all honky dory right away when he got sober.    They break our trust for a long period of time and it takes a long time to earn it back.   

He can only make you feel like the bad guy if you let him.

When my husband got sober just to save the marriage, it did not work.     When he got sober to save himself, it was a blessing.    And that was all I wanted for him, even if we didn't stay married.   I didn't know how we would ever be able to restore our relationship.  

I am happy and grateful we are together and he is sober four years now.

Everybody is so right in what they have already posted to you, in taking care of yourself and using alanon program.

Take care.

hey Becka

As I read your post i felt like you were telling my story.  Last August, I left my husband and moved far away.  He proceeded to manipulate, threaten, sweettalk, beg, etc. for me to come back.  Now I am just telling you of my experience but after going into rehab for 90 days, I thought ok I will try mainly b/c he had never even considered a program and i thought "Wow" he actually went through with this commitment and thought everything would be better.  I moved back in with him and everything was better, for TWO FRIGGING WEEKS, AND HE WENT BACK TO USING.  So I was in complete devastation and shock, because i actually thought he would be better, even though i had the past 9 years of proof to dispute that thought.  He quit and relapsed MANYtimes.  I am now back in al-anon and slowly returning to a level of happiness after the initial shock.  I can only do the best i can and remind myself to learn from it all.  the thing is, I wanted to wait until my daughter finished the school year out (this was in April)so that would give him some time on his own to see if he was going to actually make it and i tried soooooo many times to set that boundry for myself and my children and i gave in once again SIGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! dEEP BREATH. We moved back and she had to go to a new school at the end of the year yada yada yada and he relapsed and we're all miserable.  The point is FINALLY I wish that i had kept my boundry and stuck up for what I believed in and maybe things would be different.  So I applaud you for sticking up for yourself and for going with that gut feeling and staying strong.  You never really know if it's the real deal so take your time.  From my experience, thay will do and say anything to get you to come back.  But take what you like and leave the rest.  Oh yeah , you cannot be a pain here, everyone is so great and i have learned more than i thought so keep coming back

julie

Hi Becka...just read Julie (browneye's) story...mine's the same, only over and over for 30 years.  You are not a pain here.  Me...I'm afraid I'm not much help to others, cause I'm such a mess some days.  But, here we just share...not judge, but share our pain, and if we can offer you any comfort, then it's a good thing.

Have you heard the slogan, "If you do what you always did, you'll get what you always got?"

The gut feeling is usually the correct one, for me.  I'm usually sorry when I ignore it.

Use your power while you have it....and work the program for insight.

Let us know how things are progressing

Best wishes, Genie