Well my ex-A got back from Canada and the AA world convention on Friday and I have not had any peace since.  He was absolutely full of it.  But still made me feel bad.  He came over on the Friday to see the kids, but spent the whole time talking to me about how wonderful it was , and how there were so many women there, and how he could have had anyone of them if he wanted to , how they just threw themselves at him, but he resisted.  All the time I just started feeling more and more retched.  He then said how he was now absolutely convinced that we could never have a relationship again as I was part of his old thinking and how he now had to move onto something more wonderful and new.  How he was going to travel the world spreading the word of AA to the population and that he was definitely meant for great things in AA.  He then rang me on sunday , panicing something had happened at work , he was in danger of loosing his job, and he needed my help with his accounts and could I come over in the evening, and so on and so on.  I got sucked in again and was left not being able to sleep because of worrying about how I was going to manage in the future  if he lost his job.  Why do I do this to myself and more importantly why does he still do this to me even though he has been sober for five months.

Anyone got any thoughts on this

Hi Melanie, sure hope he doesn't lose his job, but I'll bet you could manage somehow.  It's so good for your self esteem to make your own money.

You get sucked in because that's what A's do...suck the life from you if you let them.  I know.

Thanks you for sharing with us...it sounds like it's time for you to start working your own steps,, and focusing on your recovery.  He will or will not recover.  Words are cheap.

I've been disappointed so many times...it's just what they do.

Just for today, calm yourself and don't worry about the future...just do a little something just for you, and give up a little gratitude up to your HP for all your blessings.

Just reading my post, and I didn't mean to sound hard or flippant.  Please take care of yourself, and cheer up

((((((Melanie))))))))))

((((Melanie)))))... well my thoughts are, keep coming back!  I was smiling a bit reading your post and I'd like to explain why.  I remember coming in to Alanon, and within a few months, oh yes! I was ready to spread the Alanon message to all. (I'll call this the Honeymoon Phase of recovery.)  As my sponsor told me, yup, you jumped from Step One right to Step Twelve....only the problem is, we can't give away what we ourselves have not worked yet, so how in the world am I going to share all them steps inbetween when I haven't worked them yet?  And I have also found, the longer I am here, the more I realize there is for me to learn.  Whereas before I was all eager to share the knowledge I'd found here, now I constantly question if I know enough to even be able to help anyone.  And then I am reminded, I don't need to know "the answers", all I need do is share my own experiences and what worked for me. 

What I have seen with me...when I was a newcomer I was "blind" to things about myself.  It has been a slow gradual process in getting my attitudes and thinking changed.  It is still an ongoing process.  I once thought, taking the alcohol out of the picture will make everything better.  I now know, the main problems my A has and that I have stem from the same thing....behaviors, attitudes, thinking processes.  Without both of us working on those things, what we have left is a dry drunk on his part, and a sick unrecovered (acting like a dry drunk sometimes) alanon wife.  At 5 months "sober", from what i've heard and read, your A's brain is not fully dried out yet from the alcohol.  I've heard that can take a year or more. 

That line about being "part of the old thinking" .... this too is familiar to me.  This is a reason for both to have their own program, to both be working on new ideas and ways of being.  For example, I can learn what it is that I am doing that helps to enable my A and stop doing those things.  I can learn to become self-sufficient myself so that when he yells at me how he's going to divorce me, I can calmly reply "go right ahead" and not feel frightened of how I'm going to make it on my own.  It is funny how the threats can stop when they realize they have lost that control over you.  Often they don't like seeing the changes, it has disturbed the routine of their life, we are not responding in a way that they assume we will.  What used to work does not work anymore.  We decide we are worthy of respect and begin to treat ourselves that way.  I find when I stand up for myself, my A treats me better.  He is getting the message that I am sick and tired of "the old ways" too and am willing to leave if things do not begin changing. 

We actually have a whole lot in common with the other side, AA.  We're all in the same boat just trying to learn how to use our paddles to stay afloat and reach the safety of the shore.  I have read a lot of eye-opening posts at the AA message board (go to www.12stepforums.net and then click on the links there) which help to enhance what I learn here in Alanon.  I find the more I learn, the more I read, the more I listen....the less I am hurt by things that are said or actions done....as I am able to see those for what they are....just part of the illness of alcoholism that is still playing out.