Today my husband has obviously taken pills, but instead of arguing with him about it...I told him to go to bed and sleep it off. Meanwhile, I am up and angry that he cannot leave the drugs alone. I am angry that I have to take care of everything while he sleeps. He does not even care that it makes me angry. I know I am supposed to quit worrying about him, but I am not sure how to let go of the anger and resentment that I feel. I need Dr. Phil. I want to let go and hate feeling angry, but am not sure how not to feel angry after all these years.
nmike said
Jul 10, 2005
Hi Powerless,
Pia Melody says that you need to detach and in order to detach you have to set boundaries to protect yourself. I hear you when you say you want to let go of hate and feeling angry. I jump right in there with my husband. Oh, and of course he hates Dr. Phil. But these people have some wisdom and I think offer good advice. Dr. Phil would say, what is the payoff for you to keep doing it? For me and my angry towards my husband, it might be that I would have to replace my old friend anger with something new. For me it ties in with my love addiction and being too focused on my husband.
Hope this helps a little.
In support,
Nancy
jo4 said
Jul 10, 2005
Dr phil would also say.......
"how's it working for you?"
if it ain't working, try something new. give alanon a try.
get to at least 6 meetings before deciding if it's for you.
if you keep coming back, it will get better. and you will feel peace. you will be able to let go of the anger and resentment the more you learn about this disease. AA and the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous can help you understand more about what you are dealing with.
by the way, my now sober alcoholic, hated Dr. Phil when active, but says he talks "program" all the time.
get some sleep, girl.
(((((((((((powerless))))))))))))
jo
TLC2 said
Jul 10, 2005
I found that as I learned more about the disease, it was a lot easier to cope with my A. I learned that he wasn't drinking to spite me, or hurt me, he was drinking because, at the time, he had no more control over the disease than I did. The more I learned, the more I understood, and the more my attitude changed. Once my attitude changed, lo and behold, so did his...yadda yadda yadda.
I guess it's been about 2 years since his last binge. I asked him if he had ever just had a beer after work to unwind, and not drink to get plastered? He thought for a minute,and said no. I told him I wouldn't mind that, and he started doing it. (I know, I know, but it worked for me!) Once in awhile, he has a few too many, or sneaks a sip from a hidden bottle of Vodka, but believe me, we've come a looong way from 3 1/2 gallon bottles of Vodka in a week!!! I have set boundaries, when he was sober,( no good to say a word when he's drunk.) I told him he was not to drink anywhere near me (after he was violent). So, he'd go to his cottage or somewhere else to drink. After awhile, he missed me, and decided he'd rather be with me than alone or with his drinking buddies. It took about a year. Last year was the first vacation we ever went on together. We had a wonderful time except for one slip. I was ready to hitch-hike home! We have a lot in common and enjoy doing things together. When he is sober, he is truly my soul-mate.
I'm rambling, anyway, this isn't to tell you to do what I did, just to share my experience. I know that no two people are alike, but this is what worked for me. Take what you want and leave the rest, Love TLC
PS sometimes the pain and resentment will still hit me, it's hard for us to forget all the nasty deeds and words, but now, I realize that he doesn't even know some of the things he said and did. During the last slip,he wasn't even mean or cruel, but I was just as mad as if he had been. He was truly sorry for whatever he thought he did, but he didn't have a clue what he was sorry for! I had a hard time to hold back a chuckle, how ironic, eh?
-- Edited by TLC2 at 17:57, 2005-07-10
marmare said
Jul 11, 2005
I use to argue with my A also. Now I will ask him questions straight up, he has now chosen to lie to me. I am appalled that the honesty we based our relationship on, is now gone.
Hang in there, I have found that when I concentrate on me and what I need, and take care of my needs, leaves little time to concentrate on my A and his problems.
Hi Powerless,
Pia Melody says that you need to detach and in order to detach you have to set boundaries to protect yourself. I hear you when you say you want to let go of hate and feeling angry. I jump right in there with my husband. Oh, and of course he hates Dr. Phil. But these people have some wisdom and I think offer good advice. Dr. Phil would say, what is the payoff for you to keep doing it? For me and my angry towards my husband, it might be that I would have to replace my old friend anger with something new. For me it ties in with my love addiction and being too focused on my husband.
Hope this helps a little.
In support,
Nancy
Dr phil would also say.......
"how's it working for you?"
if it ain't working, try something new. give alanon a try.
get to at least 6 meetings before deciding if it's for you.
if you keep coming back, it will get better. and you will feel peace. you will be able to let go of the anger and resentment the more you learn about this disease. AA and the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous can help you understand more about what you are dealing with.
by the way, my now sober alcoholic, hated Dr. Phil when active, but says he talks "program" all the time.
get some sleep, girl.
(((((((((((powerless))))))))))))
jo
I found that as I learned more about the disease, it was a lot easier to cope with my A. I learned that he wasn't drinking to spite me, or hurt me, he was drinking because, at the time, he had no more control over the disease than I did. The more I learned, the more I understood, and the more my attitude changed. Once my attitude changed, lo and behold, so did his...yadda yadda yadda.
I guess it's been about 2 years since his last binge. I asked him if he had ever just had a beer after work to unwind, and not drink to get plastered? He thought for a minute,and said no. I told him I wouldn't mind that, and he started doing it. (I know, I know, but it worked for me!) Once in awhile, he has a few too many, or sneaks a sip from a hidden bottle of Vodka, but believe me, we've come a looong way from 3 1/2 gallon bottles of Vodka in a week!!! I have set boundaries, when he was sober,( no good to say a word when he's drunk.) I told him he was not to drink anywhere near me (after he was violent). So, he'd go to his cottage or somewhere else to drink. After awhile, he missed me, and decided he'd rather be with me than alone or with his drinking buddies. It took about a year. Last year was the first vacation we ever went on together. We had a wonderful time except for one slip. I was ready to hitch-hike home! We have a lot in common and enjoy doing things together. When he is sober, he is truly my soul-mate.
I'm rambling, anyway, this isn't to tell you to do what I did, just to share my experience. I know that no two people are alike, but this is what worked for me. Take what you want and leave the rest, Love TLC
PS sometimes the pain and resentment will still hit me, it's hard for us to forget all the nasty deeds and words, but now, I realize that he doesn't even know some of the things he said and did. During the last slip,he wasn't even mean or cruel, but I was just as mad as if he had been. He was truly sorry for whatever he thought he did, but he didn't have a clue what he was sorry for!
I had a hard time to hold back a chuckle, how ironic, eh?
-- Edited by TLC2 at 17:57, 2005-07-10
I use to argue with my A also. Now I will ask him questions straight up, he has now chosen to lie to me. I am appalled that the honesty we based our relationship on, is now gone.
Hang in there, I have found that when I concentrate on me and what I need, and take care of my needs, leaves little time to concentrate on my A and his problems.
Hugs, Mary