Can someone please help me to understand!!!  My fiance told me today that his sponser thinks it is best if he moves out and leaves his family-and he already has an apartment next to his sponsers house.  My A tells me that he loves me but has no room in his life for us anymore.  I am so confused because I don't understand how leaving your family behind helps.  I realize he needs to get better for myself first and I have done nothing but support all his decisions and tried to bite my tongue for the ones I didn't agree on.  I thought part of recovery was to make amends for bad things you have done in the past-not to keep making new ones.  I know that if he leaves us he won't ever be back.  I loved him thru all those hard years when he was drinking even though I tried ti get myself to hate him, I just could do it.  And because of my love for him I stayed by his side and supported him thru his recovery process but why does it seem like I am the one who keeps getting hurt, and how can I shut my feelings off.  It is so hard to get on with my own life and make my own identity when I have never done that before.  I don't know where to begin.  I didn't think recovery was going to be so hard.  We lack totally in the communication department because he doesn't like to open up and talk about his feelings until they hit rock bottom.  Then I get thrown into a whirlwind because I was clueless about what was going on.  He has admitted to me that the reason we don't do much and the reason his friends and family don't like me and don't want us together is because he lied to them to make me look like some freak so it would take the pressure off of him when he was drinking.  They just want absolutly nothing to do with me now no matter how hard I try to make amends for things I didn't do.  It is hard to keep my chin up when I am crushed inside.  I sometimes feel like I am fighting a battle that I will never win because when I think things are going okay-something like what happened today knocks me back down.  I don't mean to sound whiny-I am just hurt and confused by all of this.  I feel like I am going to have a mental breakdown-it gets so hard to concentrate on my daughter, my job and everything when all I do is sit and cry.  Can someone please shine a light in my direction to help me?

Nicky

Hi harleygirl.. I can't imagine a sponsor advising to break up a family. Could it be that your husband is just using the sponsor for a scapegoat, an excuse to do what he wants? Is it possible for you to talk with his sponsor? Your situation is a real shame, I'm so sorry. I can't imagine after sticking it out that this is the end result. Maybe you can come in to the chatroom and talk with us. Someone is usually there 24/7. Take care, Christy

I am so sad for your unhappiness. You gave a lot, yes. This is, however, we in alanon learn to take care of ourselves and stop giving it all to the A. I have learned that the A uses and that is what they want, it deadens all emotions, it become their biggest desire. Along comes the ignoring who they used to love, as the disease progresses. In my experience, when the go thru a period of sobriety, they don't know what emotions are anymore. They have not felt them for so long. It does not matter really if his sponsor said it or not. He must feel this way. Maybe he said that becuz he does not have the backbone to tell you himself that he is confused and afraid and does not know how he feels anymore. The A I married left a 3 year relationship, just walked away when he was sober. She could not believe it, she had gotten sober too. I had known her longer than him. When he and I got married, he told me he left becuz he did not love her, he had never been in love with her. He cared in a way. But never in love. If I were you, and in a way i am. I made my own life, depend on me. It hurt horribly when I realized it was never about how I felt, it was always about what he did not feel. Believe me I know your pain. Take a day at a time and learn how to take care of you. I just reread. How do I find my identity. The way I did it was by going back to college, volunteering, even just going for walks. I did things on my own that made me know me. Get self help books, there are many psychological tests online that are fun and interesting that can give you an idea how you feel about things, find out who you are. You have an adventure in front of you. Embrace it, I promise it will be ok. People said that to me, and they were right. One gal told me that i had miracles ahead of me she was so right. I know you hurt right now. Going to face to face meetings, reading literature, one what I love is the book, Getting Them Sober. It will help you to understand the A. More important it helps you to see what your roll in life really is. If someone wants to go, I show them the door. I told my a more thatn once if you do not really want this please go.I do not want anyone to be here if they don't want to be. I almost lost my home. But here I sit, living better than I have ever. And sadly, he is living in his moms garage, shooting up heroin making himself miserable. horrid disease. Alanon is a hand to help you out of the pit. keep coming back. love,debilyn

Harleygirl555,

I don't understand my recovering A either and this is after 31 years of marriage. Debilyn explains it so insightfully. They don't do emotions. If they had emotions they would be horrified at their own behavior. The more they don't do emotions, the more we do theirs and ours. And I think we do just become crazy. And I have found that we just can't make it what we want it to be because we are two different people. I don't buy it that a sponsor would suggest that someone move out.

Can you do something nice for yourself and your family? Can you take yourself out of his whirlwind just for a day?

In support,

Nancy