My fiance has finally been sober for 5 months and I am so glad yet at the same time I have feelings of loneliness and fear. He is sober yet he still lies about supid things. I do my best to support him and his meetings because I know if he doesn't go he will relapse and lately he has been blowing them off saying he doesn't them them as much anymore. He has been getting into weightlifting to keep himself busy. I guess my problem is he does all these things and his time with me is limited to 1/2 hour a day since when he gets home I have to leave for work because I work 11-7. I have been in al-anon but I still feel miserable. I am having a hard time getting over all the hurtful things he has done to me when he was drunk. I know I have to leave the past in the past but it is so hard when my self-esteem has been taken away. I try to stay busy but my friends are always busy with their spouses and my family and I don't get along because they don't care for him and his family doesn't like me because it is easier for them to blame all fault onto me for fights we had when he was drinking. I try so hard to talk to my fiance about my feelings but all he says it "everything always has to be about you." That is not true-I just ask for some consideration for my feelings because he seems to forget that I suffered also from this disease. I just don't know what to do or where to go from here because I love him yet I feel so empty in the inside. My Al-anon group tells me to quit worrying about him and get on with my own life but that is so hard to do. I am afraid of how all this is going to affect my 7 year old. I thought with him being sober we would have more time for us and our family but I was wrong because we have less time together now then ever before. Don't get me wrong I am glad -so glad- he is sober, I just would love for him to find time for us in his schedule. Even little phone calls thru out the day would be great but I am lucky if I get even one of those anymore. I don't know what to do anymore- I can't imagine being without him because I love him so much, but at the same time I feel like I am living without him. He rarely shows any feelings or emotions towards us anymore. I really feel like my family is falling apart. I am just so scared and so alone.
Nicky
-- Edited by harleygirl555 at 18:38, 2005-07-08
jj said
Jul 8, 2005
Hi (((((Harleygirl))))) hugs
I am so glad that your fiance found sobriety, however I am sory that you are feeling the way you are.
I was just wondering if you have read the chapter in the big blue book chapter 9 "The Family Afterward" ??
If not I suggest you read it and your soon to be husband too. I found it helpful. Also Chapter 8 to the wives was very helpful to me.
Another thing that I have done to help myself better understand is go to AA meetings myself. You are welcome to go to the open meetings, you may already know this but just suggestions.
I hope that some of that helps you.
Also welcome to MIP it is a wonderful place that is full of love and support. The nights/days that seem the worst for me wind up ok and me feeling great after sharing here or going into the chat room. When I first came here I was on non stop or in chat non stop.
I am so glad that you have found us.
Love in recovery JJ
dori said
Jul 8, 2005
hi,
I know it sounds funny to say keep comeing back i heard that so many times when i first started i wanted to scream. it helped though i just keep posting and going to meetings , i know it sounds like you are really trying. remember this you didnt cause it you cant control it and you cant cure it.
keep going to meetings and post here and do recovery for you .let him work his and you work yours.
it will get easier
jo4 said
Jul 8, 2005
((((((((((((((((nicky))))))))))))))))))
yeah, early sobriety aint pretty. your group is right to tell you to focus on yourself and your program.
he is still FRESHLY sober. he isn't recovered yet. that is a process. first five years is nutty. it did not take them overnight to get sick and it won't be overnight to get better either. give him room. he has to focus 100% right now on staying sober and that is WORK. reading the Big Book especially chapters mentioned in previous posts is helpful. and getting to open AA meetings and ...........working your program to the best you can.
be patient. tho we were separated (at the time, thank God), it was nutty for me and my a too. But because we were separated, i let him do what he had to do with no expectations. don't forget that left me a single working mom with 2 little ones. but i placed no demands on him and let him focus on recovery. i know he appreciated this. and at the same time i went to face to face meetings and online meetings daily. i knew i had suffered greatly from this disease too and that i needed time to heal.
forgiveness takes time. i hurt for a long time about the lies, the cheating, the stealing. but i worked through it on my own. throwing stuff in his face he already felt guilty about for years would not help.
remember early sobriety is compared to being "stark raving sober". a LOT of emotion they are used to escaping from or dulling comes at them full force and they are just learning how to deal with it all. that takes years.
try to picture "SICK" on his forehead when he's talking at you. then look in the mirror and picture the same thing on your forehead. we're all sick. but with the help of this program and the willingness to learn, we all get better.
one day at a time.
keep coming back.
jo
lildee said
Jul 9, 2005
Welcome glad you found MIP. You mention in your post that you have been in and out of Al-Anon for awhile. Let's get back to basics. Do you go to meetings? Do you have a sponsor? Have you worked the Steps? Are you doing CAL readings? Are you praying & meditating daily?
The reason I ask these questions is because I see a lot of anger, guilt, and resentment in your post. The only way to survive with an alcoholic/addict is to keep the focus on yourself, and by doing the above things that focus will be on you. I realize getting around may not be easy but there are meetings right here twice a day that you can attend. This is the addy for the chat room:
On the Al-Anon site there is also meetings listed for the entire country if you can make it there.
On the Hazelden website you can register to have a reading e-mailed to you daily.
As to the the situation with your hubby ... I am not going to tell you to do this that or the next thing. My best suggestion would be to sit down and weigh your options, in a calm reasonable thoughtful manner. Write it down on paper . List the pros & cons. Can you deal with this situation financially? Can you deal with the emotional aspects? Think of all the things that can affect you and the way you need/want to live, list them . Then pray on it, let God guide you to make an informed decision. Then do as you must. Good luck on your journey.
Love & God Bless
lildee
jamesthomas said
Jul 9, 2005
it gets better; that has been my experience and that of those I have been in program with.
Keep coming back.
Me, I try to start every day by turning it over to my higher power, and then doing the best that I can; this helps me to not worry about tomorrow or even about something that will occurr an hour from now. I try to do the next best thing.
I am sorry that I am not sharing about an alcoholic spouse or relationship, but I don't have much experience with those things. I was the child of. I just know that it works and gets better.
What is that saying from courage to change? "pain is a part of life but suffering is optional"
Another one that helpsme a lot is "a journey of a thousand miles starts with one step." I know I am on a journey - I think we all are. I certainly never would have believed thirteen years ago that I would be as peaceful, happy and fufilled as I feel very often these days. It never would have been possible without Alanon.
And I never would have come to Alanon had I not been slammed by life to my knees. Only in such great pain did I have the humility to crawl into Alanon and admit I needed help. My first 5 years had much joy but they were anything but graceful. And they were very often very lonely.
As for intimacy with the alcoholic (in my case my mother), it's been a long time coming, and it ain't all here. She's been sober going on 30 years and we still don't have anything like a regularly intimate relationship. Such is life. This is my experience, with my mother.
In my own personal life I experienced and learned how to have intimacy first through friendships in fellowship, then through a relationship with a sponsor and sponsee. I have made many mistakes in that path to finding intimacy in an intimate relationship. When I first started Alanon, and for the first 8 years, I barely knew what people meant when they used the word; I am still only finding out through living a love with a woman I hope I will marry. It ain't perfect but it's better than anything I ever could have imagined even 5 years ago.
I've heard a slogan in open AA meetings: "don't give up before the miracle"
anyhow, I hope my experience has been helpful. Good luck. Keep coming back.
My fiance has finally been sober for 5 months and I am so glad yet at the same time I have feelings of loneliness and fear. He is sober yet he still lies about supid things. I do my best to support him and his meetings because I know if he doesn't go he will relapse and lately he has been blowing them off saying he doesn't them them as much anymore. He has been getting into weightlifting to keep himself busy. I guess my problem is he does all these things and his time with me is limited to 1/2 hour a day since when he gets home I have to leave for work because I work 11-7. I have been in al-anon but I still feel miserable. I am having a hard time getting over all the hurtful things he has done to me when he was drunk. I know I have to leave the past in the past but it is so hard when my self-esteem has been taken away. I try to stay busy but my friends are always busy with their spouses and my family and I don't get along because they don't care for him and his family doesn't like me because it is easier for them to blame all fault onto me for fights we had when he was drinking. I try so hard to talk to my fiance about my feelings but all he says it "everything always has to be about you." That is not true-I just ask for some consideration for my feelings because he seems to forget that I suffered also from this disease. I just don't know what to do or where to go from here because I love him yet I feel so empty in the inside. My Al-anon group tells me to quit worrying about him and get on with my own life but that is so hard to do. I am afraid of how all this is going to affect my 7 year old. I thought with him being sober we would have more time for us and our family but I was wrong because we have less time together now then ever before. Don't get me wrong I am glad -so glad- he is sober, I just would love for him to find time for us in his schedule. Even little phone calls thru out the day would be great but I am lucky if I get even one of those anymore. I don't know what to do anymore- I can't imagine being without him because I love him so much, but at the same time I feel like I am living without him. He rarely shows any feelings or emotions towards us anymore. I really feel like my family is falling apart. I am just so scared and so alone.
Nicky
-- Edited by harleygirl555 at 18:38, 2005-07-08
Hi (((((Harleygirl))))) hugs
I am so glad that your fiance found sobriety, however I am sory that you are feeling the way you are.
I was just wondering if you have read the chapter in the big blue book chapter 9 "The Family Afterward" ??
If not I suggest you read it and your soon to be husband too. I found it helpful. Also Chapter 8 to the wives was very helpful to me.
Another thing that I have done to help myself better understand is go to AA meetings myself. You are welcome to go to the open meetings, you may already know this but just suggestions.
I hope that some of that helps you.
Also welcome to MIP it is a wonderful place that is full of love and support. The nights/days that seem the worst for me wind up ok and me feeling great after sharing here or going into the chat room. When I first came here I was on non stop or in chat non stop.
I am so glad that you have found us.
Love in recovery
JJ
hi,
I know it sounds funny to say keep comeing back i heard that so many times when i first started i wanted to scream. it helped though i just keep posting and going to meetings , i know it sounds like you are really trying. remember this you didnt cause it you cant control it and you cant cure it.
keep going to meetings and post here and do recovery for you .let him work his and you work yours.
it will get easier
((((((((((((((((nicky))))))))))))))))))
yeah, early sobriety aint pretty. your group is right to tell you to focus on yourself and your program.
he is still FRESHLY sober. he isn't recovered yet. that is a process. first five years is nutty. it did not take them overnight to get sick and it won't be overnight to get better either. give him room. he has to focus 100% right now on staying sober and that is WORK. reading the Big Book especially chapters mentioned in previous posts is helpful. and getting to open AA meetings and ...........working your program to the best you can.
be patient. tho we were separated (at the time, thank God), it was nutty for me and my a too. But because we were separated, i let him do what he had to do with no expectations. don't forget that left me a single working mom with 2 little ones. but i placed no demands on him and let him focus on recovery. i know he appreciated this. and at the same time i went to face to face meetings and online meetings daily. i knew i had suffered greatly from this disease too and that i needed time to heal.
forgiveness takes time. i hurt for a long time about the lies, the cheating, the stealing. but i worked through it on my own. throwing stuff in his face he already felt guilty about for years would not help.
remember early sobriety is compared to being "stark raving sober". a LOT of emotion they are used to escaping from or dulling comes at them full force and they are just learning how to deal with it all. that takes years.
try to picture "SICK" on his forehead when he's talking at you. then look in the mirror and picture the same thing on your forehead. we're all sick. but with the help of this program and the willingness to learn, we all get better.
one day at a time.
keep coming back.
jo
Welcome glad you found MIP. You mention in your post that you have been in and out of Al-Anon for awhile. Let's get back to basics. Do you go to meetings? Do you have a sponsor? Have you worked the Steps? Are you doing CAL readings? Are you praying & meditating daily?
The reason I ask these questions is because I see a lot of anger, guilt, and resentment in your post. The only way to survive with an alcoholic/addict is to keep the focus on yourself, and by doing the above things that focus will be on you. I realize getting around may not be easy but there are meetings right here twice a day that you can attend. This is the addy for the chat room:
http://www.12stepforums.net/chatroom2.html
You are most welcome to join us.
Today almost everything can be done on-line. Yes even getting a sponsor and working the steps.
As for readings if you don't have any Al-Anon books they can be ordered through the Alanon website or Hazelden. These are the addys:-
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/
http://www.hazelden.org/servlet/hazelden/go/home
On the Al-Anon site there is also meetings listed for the entire country if you can make it there.
On the Hazelden website you can register to have a reading e-mailed to you daily.
As to the the situation with your hubby ... I am not going to tell you to do this that or the next thing. My best suggestion would be to sit down and weigh your options, in a calm reasonable thoughtful manner. Write it down on paper . List the pros & cons. Can you deal with this situation financially? Can you deal with the emotional aspects? Think of all the things that can affect you and the way you need/want to live, list them . Then pray on it, let God guide you to make an informed decision. Then do as you must. Good luck on your journey.
Love & God Bless
lildee
it gets better; that has been my experience and that of those I have been in program with.
Keep coming back.
Me, I try to start every day by turning it over to my higher power, and then doing the best that I can; this helps me to not worry about tomorrow or even about something that will occurr an hour from now. I try to do the next best thing.
I am sorry that I am not sharing about an alcoholic spouse or relationship, but I don't have much experience with those things. I was the child of. I just know that it works and gets better.
What is that saying from courage to change? "pain is a part of life but suffering is optional"
Another one that helpsme a lot is "a journey of a thousand miles starts with one step." I know I am on a journey - I think we all are. I certainly never would have believed thirteen years ago that I would be as peaceful, happy and fufilled as I feel very often these days. It never would have been possible without Alanon.
And I never would have come to Alanon had I not been slammed by life to my knees. Only in such great pain did I have the humility to crawl into Alanon and admit I needed help. My first 5 years had much joy but they were anything but graceful. And they were very often very lonely.
As for intimacy with the alcoholic (in my case my mother), it's been a long time coming, and it ain't all here. She's been sober going on 30 years and we still don't have anything like a regularly intimate relationship. Such is life. This is my experience, with my mother.
In my own personal life I experienced and learned how to have intimacy first through friendships in fellowship, then through a relationship with a sponsor and sponsee. I have made many mistakes in that path to finding intimacy in an intimate relationship. When I first started Alanon, and for the first 8 years, I barely knew what people meant when they used the word; I am still only finding out through living a love with a woman I hope I will marry. It ain't perfect but it's better than anything I ever could have imagined even 5 years ago.
I've heard a slogan in open AA meetings: "don't give up before the miracle"
anyhow, I hope my experience has been helpful. Good luck. Keep coming back.
Hi Nicky and welcome,
Please join us in chat:
http://www.12stepforums.net/chatroom2.html
you won't feel lonely here.
This is not CAL literature however I really needed this book because I kept making excuses myself:
He's Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys
by Greg Behrendt
I don't know if it will help or not. But at any rate, visit us in chat, you will find love and encouragement and support.
Maria123