Hi, my name is Laurie, and I have posted here a few times.  My brother will be coming

         to visit from Japan next month.  As far as I know, he quit drinking about a year ago,

         but isn't in recovery.  Just having him come to visit is very stressful for me.  I was

         having a really hard time detatching earlier this year.  I was obsessing about his

         situation, and finally, I learned to let it go.  Then, I e-mailed him on his birthday,

         and he e-mailed back.  The next thing I know is he is planning a visit because he

         wants to meet my 21/2 year old son.  He won't be staying with me, but I just

         have a hard time putting up boundaries with him.  He was the world-traveler in

         our family.  When I was in high school, when he would come home from one of

         his trips, time would stop.  We would all sit around and listen to his stories and

         adventures.  Didn't anyone notice that he was drinking beer after beer?!  As the

          years went on, his alcoholism progressed.  He married a Japanese woman and moved

          to Japan, and I would only see him every 5 years or so, and each time, it got harder

          to see him.  The last time I saw him was when my dad died unexpectedly 4 years

           ago.  Dealing with him was almost as hard as my dad's death.  He has not cut

           his hair for probably 15 years, as far as I know.  The last time I saw him, it was

           two big matts of hair going down to his butt.  I don't know how my son will react

           to him.  I know that I am going to have to limit our time with him.  Why do I have

           such a hard time detatching with him?   Any advice on how to put up boundaries?

           Laurie

In my experience, I have learned not to judge others or be critical of them. If I love them, I just do love them, as is. I may not like what they do, how they dress, but I love the person. I can't control anyone but me. So I do that, think about how can I handle this? How will I choose to look at this. My A is a mess. But I love him very much. I never see him anymore. He has no heart. A boundary for me is, to look at my own garden and not be critical of anyone elses. I would love to be able to have my A visit. He is not his disease, he is a man i care about and love. I can see he is messed up, but that is not my problem. I want to be loved as is, others do too. Anyhow I "got" from your post, that maybe it would help to put the focus on our own life and not anyone elses. Just love our A's as is. love,debilyn

hey,

just keep going to meetings posting and keep working on you that is all you can do. and dont borrow tomorrow one day at a time remember just stay in the momment and you know it might be a great visit

         Thanks, Dori

         I know that I do need to focus on each day as it comes, rather than feeling anxiety

         about his visit.  Your right, it may be a really good visit and a chance to understand

         him better.  Thanks for your response!  Laurie

         Also, this is to Deblyn,

          The difference between your situation and mine is that I didn't choose my brother.

          I didn't come to this website to be criticized myself, but for support.  I have shed

          many tears over my brother and because I am being honest about my feelings and

          my concerns, it may look to you like I am being critical.  I do have shame about him

          and his appearance.  I can't walk down the street with him without being stared at.

          That doesn't mean that I don't love him.  He chooses to look like this.  He chooses

          his lifestyle.  I don't think that he chose to be an alcoholic, and for this, I feel pain

          for him.   Laurie