Good morning everyone,I really need some ESH on a problem,first tho some about me..
I have been married to same A for 42 years,he is presently in AA and sober now for 1 year,AGAIN.He has been to treatment 4 times since 1973,had 8 years sobriety once,then 3-4 years and now 1 year......ongoing thing it seems....
I also have 2 sons that are AA's and 1 of those is both AA and NA...oldest is AA and has been sober 5years now,youngest has been clean but not sober for 43years....
I have been in and out of Al Anon since 1968,I presently have a online Al Anon group on MSN,but its not very active and I have not gotten any ESH from them on this and I really need some....
I also was diagnosed with COPD,and I am on many medications and 02,stress is not good for this illness and right now I have plenty of stress and anger.....
My Ah was diagnosed as alcohol dementia in May,he is on many medications and has been on early retirement since 1999.He does NOTHING,maybe mow lawn 1-3 times a year,swept snow off the porch if HE is going some place but thats about it......he also walks in his sleep,a common thing I guess with dementia,but its driving me up the walls,plus being woke up every night is taking its toll on my own health.
He sleeps in his recliner all day eccept when he does get up and go to his noon AA meeting and evening meeting and rents movies to play with volume up til the windows rattle or I yell turn it down,he will not turn it down unless I do....as tho he has not been told a million times to.He sleeps while the movies are playing.....I want to throw and brick through th TV screen and install a ejector to his recliner and throw him through the ceiling.EVERY DAY!!!!
His Dr has told me he is reversing to his chilhood in his mind,typical for the dementia also......he also has very short term memory loss.He has to ask every day what day it is and forgets anything he is told within 10 minutes of being told.Dr has also said he will end up in a rest home before long.....My Dad was a A and he had this also,he was in rest home for over 20 years before he died.....he did not remember my broth or me during majority of this time....
Now,I have been told that when,if it gets to be a stress on the family its time to have him placed in a rest home,my own health is being hurt over this and I have about had it with him....I have had it with him to be honest!!! He made the remark to me that I am suppose to 'take care of him',well my illness will lead to having to be taken care of also and so far theres no one trying to help me.....
I told him he is going to have to decide if he wants the help from a care center or do it on his own cause I am ready to put myself in a care center....mainly to survive myself.He tells me I "owe him"....I said I owe you nothing,or maybe a good swift kick in the arse.....
At this point I feel I am trapped as I do not have any income,until our fantastic government decides I am close enough to death to give my my Social Security benefits that I worked all these years paying into....so far its nothing....
Hubby is on SS disabilty and a small early retirement check,his full amount will not begin until he is retirement age,I think that is 64,he is 59 now....He was put on it for depression in 1999 and a work injury.So for the last 5 years he has sat on his duff and drank and took antidepressants until October of 2003 when he went to treatment for the 4th time and was put in psych ward at hospital in May of this year for being over medicated,where they did tests and cat scan to find he has this dementia.
Why do these excuse my wording,da** drunks think anyone owes them anything,or that they have been so special they should be first over others illness? They have got to be the most selfish,inconciderate,spoiled morons of the century.....
Right now I am so angry with these crybabies I could just puke.And thats being nice about my feelings......I feel after 42 years of his BS,I owe him nothing,if anyone owes anyone its him owes me and our sons a better life,can he do that,NOOOOO,but we are expected to pattycake him now that he has pickled his small brain to the point of no return???
Nope,he did it to himself,no one else forced him,so why should I risk my own health to babysit him.
This is where I see that alcoholism is a matter of choice,if they can have the choice of attending AA and staying sober,they had the choice to drink or not.....it is all choice.He made the choice to go to treatment he made the choice to stay sober now a year,he makes the choice to attend AA,so it was his choice to ruin his brain,not mine or he was not forced by anyone....he made the choice and he knew it could happen as he knew my father and what he had and how he got it,so he was not blind to the possibility!!!!Now,my choice is put him in a rest home and try to have as much of a life as possible with my remaining years with my own death warrent over my head......
Now is that selfish??? I say NO.............I say its about time he dealt with his own problems however it is.....
And yes people,I am one angry witch......and so far no alanon reading or much of anything else has made any improvement on my anger....42 years is more then enough I think,now its my turn.....
Diva said
Jul 6, 2005
Hello Shetaz. I do feel so very sorry for the life you have led that has brought you to this point. Your anger and resentment remind me very much of emotions I have experienced. Now it is imperative that you place your husband in a care facility. It is far past time to see to your own sanity. THose who will tell you they are sorry and you should leave it all at the doorstep of your HP just don't get it. Nor do those who say that AlAnon does not give advice. I DO get it, and I DO give advice. Do what you must NOW to help yourself survive. You're right; 42 years is more than enough, and everyone deserves better than what you are enduring. I wish you all the best, and hope that you will find the strength to get yourself through this most trying time in your life.
With great caring and concern, Diva
lin0606 said
Jul 6, 2005
You sound pretty fed up, and pretty tired, too. He's doing the same old A thing, spreading blame and guilt around, and putting up lots of smoke and mirrors to distract attention from his own behaviour. Remember, just because he's handing out blame and "you owe me", doesn't mean you have to pick it up.
Make the decision that works best for you. I'm sure everybody around you thinks they know just what you should do, and tells you, too! However, you are the only one who knows what you can live with, and what you can't. If anyone wants to hand you a big pile of guilt, just say "No thanks" and make your own decision, based on your own heart, mind, and HP.
jj said
Jul 7, 2005
((((Shetaz)))))
When was the last time you were hugged??? I mean really hugged like you matter? Well here is one for the day!!!
Thankyou so much for the ESH. I am young and 28 yrs old and have been dealing with this disease all of my life and to read your post and feel your anger was something that I really needed today.
Welcome to MIP I am glad that you found our board.
Love in recovery JJ
lildee said
Jul 7, 2005
Dear (((Shetaz))),
Welcome glad you found MIP. You mention in your post that you have been in and out of Al-Anon for awhile. Let's get back to basics. Do you go to meetings? Do you have a sponsor? Have you worked the Steps? Are you doing CAL readings? Are you praying & meditating daily?
The reason I ask these questions is because I see a lot of anger, guilt, and resentment in your post. The only way to survive with an alcoholic/addict is to keep the focus on yourself, and by doing the above things that focus will be on you. I realize with your COPD getting around may not be easy but there are meetings right here twice a day that you can attend. This is the addy for the chat room:
On the Al-Anon site there is also meetings listed for the entire country if you can make it there.
On the Hazelden website you can register to have a reading e-mailed to you daily.
For your own health please focus on yourself. COPD is serious. My father-in-law had it. So I am very aware of its ramifacations.
As to the the situation with your hubby ... I am not going to tell you to do this that or the next thing. My best suggestion would be to sit down and weigh your options, in a calm reasonable thoughtful manner. Write it down on paper . List the pros & cons. Can you deal with this situation financially? Can you deal with the emotional aspects? Think of all the things that can affect you and the way you need/want to live, list them . Then pray on it, let God guide you to make an informed decision. Then do as you must. Good luck on your journey.
Love & God Bless
lildee
whitie said
Jul 9, 2005
Shetaz
Wow, your post opened my eyes in so many ways. I too have a lot of anger for the lost time and failed marriage. My A husband and I have been married almost 23 years and his alcoholism has been has been between for most of that time. And in looking at your post, I think do I want 20 more years only to have him likely to be that ill (as your husband)? I feel like running away now for who knows what tomorrow will bring. My a is such a manipulator that i can hardly have a conversation with him. He's never really worked a program of any kind and of course is in denial big time.
What has been helping me is coming to this board, reading and posting. We're all pretty much in the same boat. I also go to face to face meetings, read several Ala-non books, pray (which I hadn't done in a long time), and doing things for myself as much as possilbe. Simple things that I like to do. Can you get out of the house? I'm very good at not being here while he's in his "mood". I've distanced myself a lot and that has really kept me sane.
I pray that you to can find peace in your own home. That is my biggest wish :)
Whitie
Shetaz said
Jul 9, 2005
I want to thank the ones who replied here and it did help a lot to read your replies...also helped for me to calm down and remember Al Anon is a me help program,think of me and take care of me....
As for the living another 20 years with a A,if I was totally honest and not believing in I cannot tall anyone what they 'should' do...I would tell you to run for the nearest exit and run as fast and far as you can get and never look back......I should have many years ago,but I was so insecure and had already believed I was nothing without 'him'....
To stop and look back now,I was a coward,and I subjected my sons to a life I had with my own father,which I always swore I would not do. Do my sons have any opinion on why I did not leave? YES,they have asked me more then a doz times why I did not leave him.......just as I asked my own Mother why she didn't leave my Dad.....So if the thought of staying for the kids sake,no you are NOT doing anything for the kids accept hurting them....just as I and my own sons were....
I have visited with 2 of my sons and they both agree that Mom needs a life of her own for once,and I have nursemaid him long enough,so we are checking into the care facilities here and talking to Dr and a councilor on what,how and when this can be done.....
Amazing things can happen when one lets go of the anger and uses that energy constructively.....
Hugs in Al Anon
Shetaz
Diva said
Jul 9, 2005
Keep us posted Shetaz, and come back often. We are pulling for you. All good wishes to you, Diva
dori said
Jul 9, 2005
wow,
Two thoughts came to me as I read your post I said thank you God I left my ex a 3 years ago and he is not in my life and the second is I am going to pray for you .
Good morning everyone,I really need some ESH on a problem,first tho some about me..
I have been married to same A for 42 years,he is presently in AA and sober now for 1 year,AGAIN.He has been to treatment 4 times since 1973,had 8 years sobriety once,then 3-4 years and now 1 year......ongoing thing it seems....
I also have 2 sons that are AA's and 1 of those is both AA and NA...oldest is AA and has been sober 5years now,youngest has been clean but not sober for 43years....
I have been in and out of Al Anon since 1968,I presently have a online Al Anon group on MSN,but its not very active and I have not gotten any ESH from them on this and I really need some....
I also was diagnosed with COPD,and I am on many medications and 02,stress is not good for this illness and right now I have plenty of stress and anger.....
My Ah was diagnosed as alcohol dementia in May,he is on many medications and has been on early retirement since 1999.He does NOTHING,maybe mow lawn 1-3 times a year,swept snow off the porch if HE is going some place but thats about it......he also walks in his sleep,a common thing I guess with dementia,but its driving me up the walls,plus being woke up every night is taking its toll on my own health.
He sleeps in his recliner all day eccept when he does get up and go to his noon AA meeting and evening meeting and rents movies to play with volume up til the windows rattle or I yell turn it down,he will not turn it down unless I do....as tho he has not been told a million times to.He sleeps while the movies are playing.....I want to throw and brick through th TV screen and install a ejector to his recliner and throw him through the ceiling.EVERY DAY!!!!
His Dr has told me he is reversing to his chilhood in his mind,typical for the dementia also......he also has very short term memory loss.He has to ask every day what day it is and forgets anything he is told within 10 minutes of being told.Dr has also said he will end up in a rest home before long.....My Dad was a A and he had this also,he was in rest home for over 20 years before he died.....he did not remember my broth or me during majority of this time....
Now,I have been told that when,if it gets to be a stress on the family its time to have him placed in a rest home,my own health is being hurt over this and I have about had it with him....I have had it with him to be honest!!! He made the remark to me that I am suppose to 'take care of him',well my illness will lead to having to be taken care of also and so far theres no one trying to help me.....
I told him he is going to have to decide if he wants the help from a care center or do it on his own cause I am ready to put myself in a care center....mainly to survive myself.He tells me I "owe him"....I said I owe you nothing,or maybe a good swift kick in the arse.....
At this point I feel I am trapped as I do not have any income,until our fantastic government decides I am close enough to death to give my my Social Security benefits that I worked all these years paying into....so far its nothing....
Hubby is on SS disabilty and a small early retirement check,his full amount will not begin until he is retirement age,I think that is 64,he is 59 now....He was put on it for depression in 1999 and a work injury.So for the last 5 years he has sat on his duff and drank and took antidepressants until October of 2003 when he went to treatment for the 4th time and was put in psych ward at hospital in May of this year for being over medicated,where they did tests and cat scan to find he has this dementia.
Why do these excuse my wording,da** drunks think anyone owes them anything,or that they have been so special they should be first over others illness? They have got to be the most selfish,inconciderate,spoiled morons of the century.....
Right now I am so angry with these crybabies I could just puke.And thats being nice about my feelings......I feel after 42 years of his BS,I owe him nothing,if anyone owes anyone its him owes me and our sons a better life,can he do that,NOOOOO,but we are expected to pattycake him now that he has pickled his small brain to the point of no return???
Nope,he did it to himself,no one else forced him,so why should I risk my own health to babysit him.
This is where I see that alcoholism is a matter of choice,if they can have the choice of attending AA and staying sober,they had the choice to drink or not.....it is all choice.He made the choice to go to treatment he made the choice to stay sober now a year,he makes the choice to attend AA,so it was his choice to ruin his brain,not mine or he was not forced by anyone....he made the choice and he knew it could happen as he knew my father and what he had and how he got it,so he was not blind to the possibility!!!!Now,my choice is put him in a rest home and try to have as much of a life as possible with my remaining years with my own death warrent over my head......
Now is that selfish??? I say NO.............I say its about time he dealt with his own problems however it is.....
And yes people,I am one angry witch
......and so far no alanon reading or much of anything else has made any improvement on my anger....42 years is more then enough I think,now its my turn.....
((((Shetaz)))))
When was the last time you were hugged??? I mean really hugged like you matter? Well here is one for the day!!!
Thankyou so much for the ESH. I am young and 28 yrs old and have been dealing with this disease all of my life and to read your post and feel your anger was something that I really needed today.
Welcome to MIP I am glad that you found our board.
Love in recovery JJ
Dear (((Shetaz))),
Welcome glad you found MIP. You mention in your post that you have been in and out of Al-Anon for awhile. Let's get back to basics. Do you go to meetings? Do you have a sponsor? Have you worked the Steps? Are you doing CAL readings? Are you praying & meditating daily?
The reason I ask these questions is because I see a lot of anger, guilt, and resentment in your post. The only way to survive with an alcoholic/addict is to keep the focus on yourself, and by doing the above things that focus will be on you. I realize with your COPD getting around may not be easy but there are meetings right here twice a day that you can attend. This is the addy for the chat room:
http://www.12stepforums.net/chatroom2.html
You are most welcome to join us.
Today almost everything can be done on-line. Yes even getting a sponsor and working the steps.
As for readings if you don't have any Al-Anon books they can be ordered through the Alanon website or Hazelden. These are the addys:-
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/
http://www.hazelden.org/servlet/hazelden/go/home
On the Al-Anon site there is also meetings listed for the entire country if you can make it there.
On the Hazelden website you can register to have a reading e-mailed to you daily.
For your own health please focus on yourself. COPD is serious. My father-in-law had it. So I am very aware of its ramifacations.
As to the the situation with your hubby ... I am not going to tell you to do this that or the next thing. My best suggestion would be to sit down and weigh your options, in a calm reasonable thoughtful manner. Write it down on paper . List the pros & cons. Can you deal with this situation financially? Can you deal with the emotional aspects? Think of all the things that can affect you and the way you need/want to live, list them . Then pray on it, let God guide you to make an informed decision. Then do as you must. Good luck on your journey.
Love & God Bless
lildee
I want to thank the ones who replied here and it did help a lot to read your replies...also helped for me to calm down and remember Al Anon is a me help program,think of me and take care of me....
As for the living another 20 years with a A,if I was totally honest and not believing in I cannot tall anyone what they 'should' do...I would tell you to run for the nearest exit and run as fast and far as you can get and never look back......I should have many years ago,but I was so insecure and had already believed I was nothing without 'him'....
To stop and look back now,I was a coward,and I subjected my sons to a life I had with my own father,which I always swore I would not do. Do my sons have any opinion on why I did not leave? YES,they have asked me more then a doz times why I did not leave him.......just as I asked my own Mother why she didn't leave my Dad.....So if the thought of staying for the kids sake,no you are NOT doing anything for the kids accept hurting them....just as I and my own sons were....
I have visited with 2 of my sons and they both agree that Mom needs a life of her own for once,and I have nursemaid him long enough,so we are checking into the care facilities here and talking to Dr and a councilor on what,how and when this can be done.....
Amazing things can happen when one lets go of the anger and uses that energy constructively.....
Hugs in Al Anon
Shetaz
wow,
Two thoughts came to me as I read your post I said thank you God I left my ex a 3 years ago and he is not in my life and the second is I am going to pray for you .