I am not sure what the topic of this post is. I am in a difficult situation right now. I am in Ahmenabad, India, teaching for 45 days. There are no meetings here - not even open AA, which always does in a pinch.

Most of the time I am fine, but lately I have been ill (its India, imagine). My thoughts and feelings are all over the place. I am not able to stay in the present, but instead am fearing the future and regretting the past. Last night I was sick and alone in my room, and I was so afraid that I was going to die alone in India. I am not that sick - but that is where my brain takes me. I feel homeless and un-loveable.

My fiance is due to come visit on the 15th of July. I can't believe that she could really love me - that anyone could ever really. However, I was in such pain last night, kicking myself that I came here for and left her back home (she was, is fine with me doing this). I was sure that I would die and never see her again; I missed her and our cat so much that I cried. I am crying as I write this.

Yet even in my insanity, I know that for me, to miss her and our cat this much is growth for me, as I've always tried to avoid becoming this attached to another - for fear of getting "trapped."

Even when she arrives, I know that her presence is not going to "cure" me or take away my pain (entirely). The only place where that has occurred for me is in meetings, in working the Steps and in the fellowship of others who have been affected by another's drinking.

All that said, some of my other fears are that I'm never going to be able to earn a living; that my decision to come here to teach was a mistake, and I will pay for that mistake by a lifetime of un-happiness. I am afraid that I am going to live a life trapped in misery.

Okay, clearly I am in a little self-centered fear (defined as fearing losing everything I've ever had and never getting anything that I've ever wanted), but that is why I am posting this message. I need to reach out to others who can understand.

If you can, please post your response to this note.

Thanks,

James

Hiya James,

FEAR = Few Ever Are Real as my sponsor tells me all the time.  She also reminds me that we cannot predict the future - it is in HP hands and if I am smart I will leave it there.  And another important message I learned from a friend - Things are only temporary and never really as bad as we think they are. 

I am sorry to hear that you are ill.  I hope that you recover soon and can enjoy the experience of traveling to teach.  It must be a rewarding experience (illness aside).  Please remember that HP is watching over you and loves you.  It also sounds like you have a very loving and supportive fiance - one who is willing to let you explore who you are and be able to have a life of her own.  That is a gift.

I wish you the best during the rest of your days abroad. 

Karen

 

Hang in there James. I have a feeling you will come out of this deep depression when you get home. It is not unusual for people to experience what you are when in a foreign country where they find a completely different and alien culture. Forty five days is not so bad. Have you any time to travel? I have been in southern India, and loved it. Jump aboard an overcrowded train and go for a couple days. If you're lucky, you'll get a seat, and will not experience a train wreck like I did!!!!! Try to think of our troops who are spending months in Iraq of all places, while putting their lives on the line every day. All things are relative. Diva

Hello James  so glad u posted here today. India how exciting for you, i heard a wonderful line yrs ago. Bloom where your planted.  enjoy your stay it will be over all too soon.  Get the most out of each day discover something new and exciting. the time will fly by.

Self esteem is hard to come by James and  most believe that we are unlovable. Not true - others see our value unfortunatley it takes us a while to see it for ourselves and that is the beauty of Al=Anon for me  they love us til we can love ourselves.

Focusing on the past is such a waste of time as one member put it she said she "wasted alot of time waiting for her past to change" that kinda clears that up huh? it's over we cannot get it back but we can change the course of our future ONE DAY AT A TIME keep comming here James all it takes is two people to have a meeting and u can usually find a few people in the chat room, just tell them that u need to talk and they will listen . hope to meet u soon James. have a great day .  and remember to BLOOM WHERE YOUR PLANTED.  make memories not regrets.    Love Louise

Thank you for reminding me that I do have a higher power - so much do I need to be reminded of this. It has been a long time since I heard the language of recovery.

Also, thanks for reminding me what luck I have with Carole, my fiance. Yes it is amazing that she is open enough to allow me to travel and learn and grow, even if it means that we need to be seperate. However, next time I hope she can come.

Thanks for taking the time to reply to my post; it is so very helpful to know that there are others out there who understand - so helpful to know that I am not alone.

warmly,

James

Louise,

Thanks for your reply. Iwill try to bloom here where I am, and to enjoy the beauty of the landscape and the people around me. Your reply helps me to be present. 

I have self-esteem pretty regularly these days, after a number of years in Alanon. However, it is in going to meetings that I restore that connection to my HP, which is the source of that self-esteem. I am glad these online boards are here, so that I can connect with my HP through others. I have been loved in Alaonon, and ususally I can love myself. I am weak, and need regular support. Something to remember the next time I am planning a long trip abroad.

How do I get into the chat room. My connection and computer is very slow here in India, and it is not possible to search every nook and cranny of the site; If you could point me in the right direction, it would be very helpful.

Thank you.

James

Diva,

Thanks for taking ther time to reply. It is helpful to read your reply.

James

Glad to be of help James. Come and visit here often and remember...Easy Does It!! Diva

Dear James,

Being in a foreign land and away from all that you are used to can make anyone sad. And being ill to boot. If you feel sick please seek out some medical attention. When you are feeling better do something fun, new and exciting. Remember God is always with you. Let Him guide you.

You asked about the chat room. Try this addy:

http://www.12stepforums.net/chatroom2.html

Good luck on your journey,

lildee

Lildee,

Thank you for your message. Luckily I have taken some medicine, and am feeling much much better - even happy. Yesterday was a super day; I had much fun and excitement teaching and interacting with my students and the people around.

I am very happy to have found this online message board; the postings by you and others have been an enormous support.

warmly, james

james,

Do you have literature with you , use that , posts here and journal use that for meetings and you reached out i am proud of you for that. and a friendly remeinder how grateful we are here in usa weith meetings every day of the week.

I do have literature, thank god. I have been posting here and it has helped enormously. I haven't done much writing, although I certainly could use some, especially now that my physicall illness has lifted and I'm actually having fun again being here and teaching.

I met another american here tonight. he's here doing independent research. I invited him out for dinner. we went. he was very very negative about most everything. Reminded me of how I was before I started Alanon. Reminded me of how much I've grown in program. I was able to smile and be pleasant and even loving in little ways to this almost complete stranger who I could see was suffering. A lot of what I did that was loving consisted of keeping my mouth shut, not responding to his negative comments, and smiling; maybe saying: hmmmmm.

By the end of the meal he seemed to be in a better mood. Maybe I kid myself, but maybe I was able to bring a litle light into a dark place tonight. So I was useful.

Thanks for writing. More to be revealed.