hey everyone, hope all is well

needless to say all is not well with me.  i have been struggling lately as some of you know.  well things are not going well at home and i am trying to decide what is really the "right " thing to do.  in short, here is the immediate problem (although not the only by a long shot) ANYWAY....

my husband came home from a long haul trip (he's a truck driver) sober and clean because he knew he had to test for his parole officer.  he has since been clean and miserable and of course being completely obnoxious to all of us.  He is pissed off because he doesn't know when the parole officer is going to test him and he "has" to stay clean.  Well i just talked to him and he is high already.  He tested last Friday and the P.O.  could come by at any time this week.  My problem is this:

Al-anon says not to create a crisis for someone.  But I want so badly to call his parole officer and let him know that he is using.  I have been with my husband for nine years and i have come to the conclusion that things are just not going to work out for us.  I mostly stay with him out of fear anyway.  I cannot stand the way he treats my kids and me.  besides that i am seeking family counseling and i am so afraid that if they find out he is using in the house and it is allowed by me that they could call cps and take my children away from me, my worst nightmare.  i and they would be devastated to say the very least.  Also, aren't i enabling him just by living with him and allowing this to be? 

i'm soooo confused.  i know what my feelings are about it but what is the reality?  i have lived in this crap for so long, i seriously do not know what that is. if anyone has any suggestions, please share.  thanks for being here

love browneyes

I wish I could give you some advice but I am so totally out of touch with reality I have no idea myself! I know that so many times I have wanted to call my husbands work and let them know he has a problem (they have rehab programs they can get him in where he still gets paid) but I haven't gotten the nerve to do it...just not sure I feel right about it. I think I want him to be the one to make the decision to go...know what I mean? I don't know if it is either right or wrong but I do get the temptation at least 2 or 3 times a week to call his work and let them know what's going on.

I also know it's great to reach out to others and let them help you see the reality of everything. It's not until I talk to someone and get my feelings out in the open that i realize the root of my problem, what is really going on, and what I should do about it.

(((HUGS))) to you...know you aren't alone and I will be thinking about you tonight.

 

browneyes,

Why do you have to call his PO to get your kids away from his drug use? 

There are other options to keep your children safe, YOU could move out, and remover both yourself and your kids from the dangerous situation.  Of course, when I say move out I mean in a safe, legal way.  Contact your local woman's shelter about the laws in yoru state, tell them that he is using and you KNOW you have to get you and your kids away from there.  They will help you.  You need to proceed carefully and cautiously.  The woman's shelter will help you seek legal protection for you and your children, you will probably get full custody since he has a prison record and a PO and is a truck driver.  This is very much in your favor.

Please try to focus on what you can do for yourself and your children, rather than on "getting him in trouble".  You are right that it is not a good idea to "tell on him" and create a crisis for him.  If he gets caught because you told on him, he will probably be so full of resentment that all he will do is be so busy blaming you for all of his troubles that he will have no time to examine his own role in his trouble.  But, it you remove yourself and the children, and let him feel the consecuences of his own actions, that may be what he needs to start seeing the need to get clean and sober.

I can really relate to all that you are going through.  As I wrote to you before, my first husband was very similar to yours, right down to being a truck driver.  I left and took my baby with me.  He was abusive and later on ended up committing felonious assault on his new girlfriend and their baby girl while high.  I was sad for her and the child, but at the same time VERY glad it was NOT me and my precious daughter!  It would have been had I  stayed.  The girlfriend and child barely pulled through, he is a 300 pound former high school football star and beat them with a lead pipe after he knocked them down on the concrete sidewalk! 

I did exactly as I am advising you, rather than concentrate on getting him in trouble, or telling on him, I just removed myself from the situation by simply leaving while he was on the road with my baby girl.  I took NOTHING from the home, he was so crazy with his drugs that I could not risk enraging him.  I am convinced it is due to these careful actions that in the long run he let me get away.  Had I crossed him in anyway, he would have hunted me to the ends of the earth.  I read in the police report that he had beaten his new girlfriend since she had supposedly taken something from him that he thought she should not have.  SIGH!

You have to be careful with these types as they are crazy.  I shudder to think what he would have done to me had I turned him in in any way.  I am glad I took the safe route and just got away from him.  The woman's shelter helped me every step of the way, the counselor there even wrote an affidavit for my divorce hearing which went a long way before the judge.  She could not appear and testify in person since she had to keep her anonimity in order to help other women.   She could not let the woman she helped spouses know her identity, or else she could have put her own family in danger.

I hope everything works out, just remember to keep the focus on YOURSELF and what you can do for YOU rather than think about options that involve creating crisis for him.

Isabela

hon, we must not take care of the A's stuff. We need to take care of our own. I did call once to have my very messed up husband caught driving. NOONE caught him. I mean there is NO way they could have missed him. I live in a tiny town. I know it is becuz it is NOT in my hands. HP takes care of that. So many times if I interfered, it would backfire. I finally learned his mess, his disease is his, he will have consequenses, he will fall on his face on his own. I took and take care of me. And I already told you, I got my kids out and away from the A's influence and would again. You can get him to leave, I told my A to leave or I would have to call the sheriff. He left. This was for my protection. Do you need a shelter? I know it is not easy to just leave. Think what is best for YOU to do to protect you and the kids. What to do for you not what to do to him. love you in alanon, debilyn

hey everyone

thanks for your thoughts and prayers

the reason i would want to call his PO is because then he would be removed from the home and i would not have to uproot the children AGAIN.  He wouldn't know it was me calling on him.  But i know it isn't right, it just sucks.

well thanks

love browneyes

There is something extremely disquieting about wondering if I am driving anywhere near a semi whose driver is high or drunk. Perhaps you do not wish to cause a crisis for him, but how are you going to feel when he kills an SUV full of kids with Mom and Dad? This is not causing a crisis...this is saving lives, and his is a case that calls out for intervention. JMHO. Diva

Everytime I interfere, I get caught.  Most important, my interference does not stop the A one bit.  I was told only last week: if I do not have a helicopter, I should not attempt rescues.  I totally understand how awful it is living with active.  My A just got his 7 year chip.  He could not stay clean for more than 4 days, and it was ONLY when i got out of the way, and let the chips fall, that he actually said the magic words:"I am sick and tired of being sick and tired".  For me, that involved telling him he could not stay in the house when he was drunk or high.  Our son was a few months old at that time.  It took me so long to say that and when he would call and beg to come home, I had to tell him I would call the police if he came home.  All I could do was focus on myself, which of course was totally neglected.  I even needed a chart with faces on it, like the emoticons on this site, to identify my feelings.  And, I was a professional who helps people for a living.  But I was shut down and not thinking right.  Anyway, to get back on point, teaching him a lesson or proving to him that he cannot trick anybody and that he is really high 99 percent of the time, is not going to help him or you.  If you contact the PO and he is caught, is that going to change him?  You will get him out of the house, but you could do that other ways.  He is clearly a danger to others and that would probably be a way to get a restraining order to get him out.  Then of course, he will know what you are up to and there will be a confrontration.  There is no right answer.  Praying for guidance is one way to proceed.  I only know from my Experience that my interference absolutely messes things up for everyone.  It is when I decide to act like God that things mess up. 

Love

Julie E.

Interference and intervention have two distinctively different meanings. In this instance I would pretend I had the helicopter, not to effect a rescue, but to save others' lives. Diva

diva

that was exactly my point in an earlier post, the first time i ever posted here.  how would it be for me to know that i could have prevented a death just by getting him off the road?  and most people felt that it would not be any fault of mine if i let him drive the fricking truck into someone elses innocent life!!!!!  because i cannot control what he does. BUT i can help others by getting him off the road.  and i did call his po and he didn't do anything.  as you can see i'm upset.  i understand other points of view but why the heck should he be out there driving under the influence?  i don't really give a crap if he knows i called on him, i would call about a drunk driver on the road, so why shouldn't i call on him?.  At least i would know that i did something about it.  And why the heck should i uproot my children for the fifth time in their young lives when he is not taking care of his shit? HE should be the one to leave!  and he won't he just calls and harasses me. then i would just end up calling the cops on him anyway because he will get crazy, so what is the difference? 

And i am not attempting to rescue HIM i am attempting to rescue me, my kids, and everyone else on the road.  And i don't care about changing him, i KNOW going back to jail won't change him, he's been there most of our marriage. I don't want to teach him a lesson or even care if he ever learns because I don't want to be with him anymore and i want a divorce and he is not  a reasonable person to deal with.  i'm not trying to make him see what he has done or how he failed i just want him gone .This is the safest way to deal with this situation i feel and he cannot touch us b/c he will be in jail.  yes i can run but why do i have to be looking over my shoulder?  and i am not talking to you diva but the other posts.  i am not trying to be mean to anyone but these are the things i truly have questions about and these are my beliefs.

i appreciate your feedback and concern, THANKS VERY MUCH

julie

-- Edited by browneyes at 22:56, 2005-07-06

-- Edited by browneyes at 23:02, 2005-07-06

-- Edited by browneyes at 23:27, 2005-07-06

There are so many times when I have wanted to call the police because my "A" was drinking and driving or the boss just because it's so dangerous to be drunk and doing the work he does.  Recently in the group I attend heard that old phrase...."You reap what you sow" and then my counselor went on to say that we should never interupt someone else's reap and sow process.  That goes through my mind when I am tempted to rescue my "A" from himself.

Mary

browneyes,

i dont know what to say but this please keep posting here go to meetings on line and if you can go to face to face meetings and if you havent got a sponsor get one and keep at it