I've been married for 20 yrs. to a man who secretly drinks. I first noticed this about 15 yrs. ago when I'd find an occasional beer bottle some place strange. Now it's those little vodka bottles. Just found 2 more this morning. What I don't understand is: how can it be that I've never seen him drunk? His father was a severe A who ruined his life because he never got sober. My husband does everything a "normal" guy would do but he hides his drinking. He doesn't see it as a problem because it doesn't keep him from doing anything. I believe he goes through a pint bottle every day or two. Being raised in an A family, I don't have a good perspective on this. I resent him so much that I can barely look at him. Talking does nothing, and I take care of the finances because he just doesn't seem to care. Our family needs his paycheck or I'd have kicked him out the door by now. I cringe when he touches me and he doesn't know why!!! Can someone give me some insight?
holly123 said
Jul 5, 2005
Welcome Briarpatch,
I'm not sure how much insight I can give but I can relate to you so much, my secretly drinks but I can tell he is drinking. That is the difference. I 'm not clear on what you resentments are for but I can tell you I live the same way. I don't like that I'm not even attracted to my husband or that I am so dependant on his paycheck as well. Sometimes I wonder if that is the only reason I keep him around.
I can tell you that I don't want that life for me, so I have gotten a seperate checkbook and begun to figure out what my check will pay on its own. I am working towards paying off bills that can't be covered and figure out what I would have to do to live off from my check. While I am working on that, I am focusing on rebuilding me. When I work this program, especially when I focus and control myself where I don't react to him or anything he does, I am happier. Not so happy that I forget my troubles but a little happier each day. Once I am sure I am at the point where I could be ok on my own with my 2 kids if he was to leave, I feel I can that know if I am living with him for the money or love. Boundries are so important and being good to yourself. I'm not sure how your life is with you a but I know mine is a roller coaster ride. Just this weekend I asked him to just leave if he didn't want to make changes, of course he didn't. I don't push him out the door but I want him to know that I am confident I would be ok if he goes. Someday I may not be so flexible it may be a get out right now situation.
I hope you keep coming back and posting. We can't give advice but each time you share it gives you a chance to let it out and when people reply you have the choice to pick through and find things that may work in your life.
We are all working toward the same cause, to be happy and live well with or without the a.
Good Luck, keep coming back, I can't tell you how much just being here and at the online meetings has helped me.
Holly
iona54 said
Jul 14, 2005
hello
best thing for me was to come to alanon...there (and here) i learn about this disease and all its complications, manipulations and destructiveness.
this programme has taught me to look after me
i love my a
he drinks
he is in denial
i am not
:)
would love to 'meet' you in alanon chat room..lots of wonderful warm people there...come on in :)
Welcome Briarpatch,
I'm not sure how much insight I can give but I can relate to you so much, my secretly drinks but I can tell he is drinking. That is the difference. I 'm not clear on what you resentments are for but I can tell you I live the same way. I don't like that I'm not even attracted to my husband or that I am so dependant on his paycheck as well. Sometimes I wonder if that is the only reason I keep him around.
I can tell you that I don't want that life for me, so I have gotten a seperate checkbook and begun to figure out what my check will pay on its own. I am working towards paying off bills that can't be covered and figure out what I would have to do to live off from my check. While I am working on that, I am focusing on rebuilding me. When I work this program, especially when I focus and control myself where I don't react to him or anything he does, I am happier. Not so happy that I forget my troubles but a little happier each day. Once I am sure I am at the point where I could be ok on my own with my 2 kids if he was to leave, I feel I can that know if I am living with him for the money or love. Boundries are so important and being good to yourself. I'm not sure how your life is with you a but I know mine is a roller coaster ride. Just this weekend I asked him to just leave if he didn't want to make changes, of course he didn't. I don't push him out the door but I want him to know that I am confident I would be ok if he goes. Someday I may not be so flexible it may be a get out right now situation.
I hope you keep coming back and posting. We can't give advice but each time you share it gives you a chance to let it out and when people reply you have the choice to pick through and find things that may work in your life.
We are all working toward the same cause, to be happy and live well with or without the a.
Good Luck, keep coming back, I can't tell you how much just being here and at the online meetings has helped me.
Holly
hello
best thing for me was to come to alanon...there (and here) i learn about this disease and all its complications, manipulations and destructiveness.
this programme has taught me to look after me
i love my a
he drinks
he is in denial
i am not
:)
would love to 'meet' you in alanon chat room..lots of wonderful warm people there...come on in :)
hugs
iona54