I'm new to the online AL Anon but I've been to many face to face meetings. I feel it's really helped me. I've been educating myself and learning how to take care of myself. My husband is a closet alcoholic. Just three months ago, a little less than a year, being married, it was confirmed, he had a drinking problem. Really since we were married May 2004, he has lied and hid his drinking. Since attmepting sobriety in march he apparently has been continuing to lie and just do what he thinks everyone wants him to do. He seems to be in denial of the severity of the problem. This past week has a relapse I found out about only because I went to take his car to the store and found alcohol. I have been putting up with severe illnesses of his for the past year, now apparently caused by drinking. I had, had enough and moved out this past week. I'm just wondering if anyone out there has any advice how to proceed, going back?, not going back? How to decide how to make the best decision for me. I feel hopeless in the fact that he'll get better, not so much if I'll be ok. I feel I'll be ok either way. I just don't have any faith in his success at this.
I am very grateful for Al Anon. I would have never gotten this far with out it.
Thanks
Jmot
whitie said
Jul 3, 2005
I know what you mean, thank God for Ala-non. I've been working my way thru ala-non for three years. I'm still in this marriage but it's not good. I've been getting much stronger by working a new job, yoga, pilates, therapy, even knitting. Ala-non has helped me to improve all my relationships. And I'm getting close to leaving the marriage. Before program I was paralized, couldn't even begin to help myself. This site has also been great. Just to read all the posts and know you're not alone helps immensly.
As you've heard before, keep coming back!
Whitie
debilyn said
Jul 3, 2005
HI J, well if you are in alanon, then you know it is about you. I wonder what ya mean by
success.
Alcoholism is a disease the A will always have. Sometimes success is the fact they are
alive one more day for me.
I too am not with my A. I could not watch him anymore, plus he lack of caring about me
was too much.
J I find I have to ask a question, or I don't know something, that is the answer, I don't know right
now. So I do the day at a time, take care of me, take care of my life. Seems like
in time the answer is just there.
Today I don't choose to see my A. I learned that being in love is like an addiction. It is a
medical fact. I mean true "in Love" not lust, not oh I love him until he loses his job or
whatever.
I am totally, madly in love with my A. Have been almost all my life. But he dealt me
a blow that pushed him out of my heart.
It was a lack of thoughtfulness and careing that did it.
Whether he drinks or uses other drugs is no consequence to me. He is an A, he will drink
use, relapse, go to rehab, get clean, be sober, be drunk, lie, manipulate and more
I cannot control any of it. So I simply love him.
For me now, it is more comfortable not to see him or have contact with him at all. he
chose to lose everything and he has. I know he never expected to lose me.
I take care of me, I live my passions, flowers, gardening, animals, kids, the sky, love,
my friends, my faith, laughing, teasing, being incorrigable and tenacious. lol
Alanon is a gift. Such a gift. I am serene no matter what now. Tenants abandone, oh well
clean it up and start again. Money is not adding up, numbers are like oops, oh well one
day at a time.
I am lonely, oh well, so you are. Accept it with grace and go see gma.
I am babbling. So sad your husband is so sick J. Uno when I got to really living my program,
My A started to talk to me, told me everything. More than i wanted to know. He was
even wanting to show me, he is a junkie.
ick that was hard to say. he has hep c, drinks, does anything to self medicate.
And i want nothing more than to go crawl in his arms and for him to be who he was
before he had the brain tumor removed and lost several years of sobriety from a medical
relapse...
But my Mr. Bumble, probably won't be. I always pictured us old and bumbling around
together. he is 53.
Anyway i hope I said something here. WElcome!!!
Have ya seen the book, "Getting Them Sober?" It is so ooooo good.
Love,debilyn
Idealsummerluv said
Jul 4, 2005
Hi,
That decision is a tough one and only you can decide for yourself. I know people who choose to stay in marriages and their loved one is still drinking. Some divorce. I did. And then God gave us a miracle. He is sober 3 years and the disease couldn't take away the love we have for each other.
carla035 said
Jul 4, 2005
Welcome jmot~ Glad you found us here. I so relate to your share and it brings me back to when I came into these rooms. I was so desperate for someone to just "tell me" what to do. The coolest part about it is, looking back, that no one told me what to do...It was here in alanon that I learned that I had choices and was responsible for my own actions...disturbing initially, because how could I bear my soul, and tears in this forum, and NO ONE help me!!! LOL They all smiled and said "keep coming back". So I did , reluctantly at first, then gratefully pranced back! I listened and read alot, and kept coming around...in time I found my voice and my own answers through others, like yourself sharing their experience, which gave me strength to have hope that I too would be ok. What's right for one may not be right for another. Everyone's situation is different. I can tell you that today ,I am a single mom of three great kids,returning to the program after a hiatus of "gonna do this on my own"mentality ,a little out of sync with life... but I'm ok ;o) ...Life still happens,but thankfully I can come here and be heard and listen to others share what worked for them, and share back...Thankyou for your post here this morning, because I needed to be reminded that this is how and where my life changed for the better , 3 yrs ago! Glad you're here , and KEEP COMING BACK ;o) ~ Carla
mom to 2 said
Jul 4, 2005
I can feel your pain and I can relate in alot of ways. They will only stop if they are ready and only they know when that is. Take care of yourself first and maybe he will follow.
mom to 2
jmot said
Jul 4, 2005
Thank you all for your replies. I am finding reading and meetings are helping clear my head. I am taking one day at a time and not forcing decisions, I do feel that the answers will just come. Thanks for all the support and time in replying to me.
Hi Everyone
I'm new to the online AL Anon but I've been to many face to face meetings. I feel it's really helped me. I've been educating myself and learning how to take care of myself. My husband is a closet alcoholic. Just three months ago, a little less than a year, being married, it was confirmed, he had a drinking problem. Really since we were married May 2004, he has lied and hid his drinking. Since attmepting sobriety in march he apparently has been continuing to lie and just do what he thinks everyone wants him to do. He seems to be in denial of the severity of the problem. This past week has a relapse I found out about only because I went to take his car to the store and found alcohol. I have been putting up with severe illnesses of his for the past year, now apparently caused by drinking. I had, had enough and moved out this past week. I'm just wondering if anyone out there has any advice how to proceed, going back?, not going back? How to decide how to make the best decision for me. I feel hopeless in the fact that he'll get better, not so much if I'll be ok. I feel I'll be ok either way. I just don't have any faith in his success at this.
I am very grateful for Al Anon. I would have never gotten this far with out it.
Thanks
Jmot
Hi,
That decision is a tough one and only you can decide for yourself. I know people who choose to stay in marriages and their loved one is still drinking. Some divorce. I did. And then God gave us a miracle. He is sober 3 years and the disease couldn't take away the love we have for each other.
I can feel your pain and I can relate in alot of ways. They will only stop if they are ready and only they know when that is. Take care of yourself first and maybe he will follow.
mom to 2