Friends, I come to the board very unsure of myself at this point. Some of you may know me many may not however my qualifier is my wife who has been affected by alcohol and gambling and has been to rehab 3 times, third time for both addictions. My source of confusion lately is not her drinking gambling, it is what do I want.. what do I want. My wife seems to be doing alot better, a slip here and there however nothing major yet..yet I find myself not caring anymore, giving any support, I really question the marriage, have I been swimming up river all these years? It seems the current has slowed however I have lost the desire to swim against it regardless the current, hence I have been floating with the current. This seems so unnatural to me, to not fight what ailes our marriage anymore? I feel terribly guilty as I have re kindled some old friendships of people I respect and actually can converse with (no not female, short of my sister and neice). I had neglected these relationships to keep the peace with her all these years as my free time was hers, and now I value these friendships more so than my marriage at this point. The hardest thing about this is my little ones, they love their mom they love me and they have been through enough already without the menion of divorce, yet I find it growing impossibly hard to continue to wear the mask of happiness. Many of my feelings are unhealed and so it seems unforgiven wounds, however I also see nothing that would tell me that these wounds wont keep getting opened, or new ones for that matter in her new found semi dryness, no I did not say soberness, but who am I to judge. It boils down to this, she has not been drinking(atleast very seldom) , not gambling, yet I find that after I desired this and thought things would be rosey without these issues, after they are stripped away I find I am still not happy..hence there must be something majorly wrong with me...I don't know. I guess the foxhole alanon that I seem to exibit may be a factor. I just find I care for her and I have been satisfied with that all these years, but the love, the trust has been the mask, and stood by just hoping that it will happen. I know with these feelings it is not fair to anybody..yet I do nothing. Any feed back (kicks in the butt or what ever) is certainly welcome Mark S

Hi Mark,

I can certainly relate to the way you feel.  When my wife finally found her way to AA after we had been married for 8 years, I thought this was going to be the thing that fixed her and thereby fixed us.  Because she was the one with the problem, not me.  I was the one that took care of everything, made sure everybody was were they were supposed to be, etc, etc.  And I thought, boy now finally things are going to change.  She is going to take more responsibility, and we are going to be able to do all those things that we loved to do, but quit because of her drinking. 

Well it didnt work out that way.  In my case, I didn't get far enough into recovery to have to make that hard choice myself.  My ex-wife did.  She decided that the marriage was over, moved out and filed for divorce.  It was devastating to me.  But you know, when I look back now that I have a year of Al-Anon under my belt and so much more of the truth of my marriage is revealed to me through working my 4th step, I truly believe that God did for me what I could not do for myself.  And honestly, He may have answered, in His time, all the prayers I made to him when she was in the fullness of her disease and I was dying inside crying out to Him for help and telling Him that I just didn't want to live like this anymore.  Before my wife found AA, I had been seriously considering leaving her......I just didnt want to live that life anymore.  But then she got the program and I thought that would fix it all.  It didnt.  But God could fix it.  And He did fix it.  Maybe not the way I thought it would be fixed...but I now accept that it was the right thing.  The only thing that would allow both me and my ex-wife to really have the opportunity to heal.  There was just too much damage done to us. 

I would like to share with you something I heard at a conference.  A man was sharing about a situation similiar to yours.....and he was in the place you are in...not knowing how to proceed with his marriage....and he said he was given this prayer, which he prayed every morning...

"God, if it be Your will that I stay in this marriage, let me know.  If it be Your will that I end this marriage, let me know.  If it be Your will for me not to know today, then leave me not knowing".

Hope this helps you some.  Keep coming back my friend!

Yours in Recovery,

David

Mark, I came to the message board with tears running down my face as I wondered exactly the same thiing. What do I really want. This has been a bad day with my A husband, we've been doing fairly well for the last month. He slips up but not majorly. He is such a dry drunk though, everyday. I am soooo tired of living this life of games, lying, blaming, tears and sadness. I just don't really care about this man anymore. I'm done, but I hold on waiting for my son to go off to college. I don't know if that is really necesary but it seems like it wouldn't be so disruptive to my son at this important time in his life. It's his time and I really think I should wait. I'm trying but I'm not holding up very well tonight. After 22 years it should be clear to me that I've tried, put in my time. I guess I'm grieving. My marriage is dead. My higher power has spoken. whitie

It seems to me that this is why we have alanon - if all the problems would be solved by sobriety, we wouldn't need it. Alanon only started when Lois had to face up to her part in the disease, after Bill sobered up and founded AA. I didn't find the program until after my husband sobered up. I still sometimes despair, and wonder if the trust will ever be restored. I think if the behaviour ever completely cleared up, it could be, but his disease has taken some nasty twists and turns since he got clean and sober, in other words, he's not drinking, but he's not better yet (and neither am I!) Another part of it, I think is that fighting their disease gave us a reason for living for so long. Once the fight is over, life seems kind of blah. The first two posters in this thread are men, so they may not relate to this, but most of the women can, I think - Often, when women have their babies, they kind of miss the pregnancy. All of the drama, the bodily changes, the intense focus on this state of being and then poof! it's over. However, they've got a baby to deal with, and take their minds off it. All we have as our reward is an extremely imperfect human being. However, there is another fight for us to take on, the fill the viod. That is the fight of getting our own selves healthy. Changing those nasty patterns of behaviour that we built up over the yers to protect ourselves, and which we may cling to. Sometimes marriages which survived all the years of drinking fall apart after sobriety. I still am not sure if that is what will happen with mine - however, I'm damned if I believe the bitterness and resentment was all that kept us together.

Hi Mark,

I am so sad for you as I read this post!

I too went through something similar.  I hoped and prayed for my husband to stop drinking, and he finally did, after many years of misery.  I had all kinds of hopes and dreams about the fun we could have if he did nto drink.

Well, when he stopped drinking I suddenly realized that I did not like him, drunk OR sober.  What a shock! 

I went to see a therapist as I did not understand my feelings, I felt SO guilty!  Here my husband, who loved alcohol more than life, stopped drinking to try and please me, and here I was not caring...that much. 

My therapist explained that after many years of addiction in a marriage, the sober spouse builds somewhat of  a fantasy world of what things will be like when the mate is sober.  All of the normal changes and ebbs and flows of a typical marriage have been skipped, there is only addiction, resentment, work, and fantasy.  He explained that in most marriages passion changes and evolves over many years, but the couple have time to adapt.  But, if the future of the marriage is based on fantasy, what that person  SHOULD be like when sober, there is no years of adjustment.

My therapist suggested that I RELEARN what my husband was like, sober, to let go of expectations, hopes and dreams of what I THOUGHT he would be like and learn to accept what I had.  Expecting him to suddenly become young again, and act like he did when we first got married, was unrealistic.

I never thought I would love him again, I resented him no end.  I did not want to spend time with him, I nearly hated the sight of him I was SO angry he did not evolve into that wonderful sober man I had FANTASIZED about I guess.  I never dreamed I would feel for him what I used to feel.

Well, I stuck it out, as he was trying, and I am sorry to say that my husband is incredibely good looking.  I feel horribly guilty to be so shallow, but I will admit that was the only thing keeping our marriage together for a time, my physical attraction to him.  AND the fact that he is gainfully employed and makes a pretty good living.  We limped along for quite a while, but slowly we recaptured what we once had in little ways.

He did a few REALLY major thigns for me, really biggie nice things (like work night and day for the fortune it took to adopt my daughter away from her father who is a creep and rich  who on purpose made every delay possible to try and break him) and suddenly I realized that I DID still love him, deep down, under the years of resentment and anger.

He went back to drinking eventually and had some really major episodes of mental illness issues and put me through the ringer and I begged and pleaded with him to leave and he threatened to leave...but we can't seem to part from each other.  Once again we are trying to rebuild...SIGH.  Yes, this has certainly taken a toll on us and our marriage, but I am GLAD I stuck it out and am continuing to stick it out.

I know the possiblity exists that he will do as David's wife has done, divorce ME, but I don't think I will divorce him...I know he is sick and does stupid things he does out of illness, when the going gets tough, he is there for me and that means a lot.

In all fairness I have to admit that when my husband and I got married we were deeply in love, he is the love of my life.  It was like a movie, I was engaged to someone else when I met him, and broke that off to marry him.  I was head over heels in love with him for MANY MANY years, that is the level of connection we have together.  It is hard to kill that level of connection.  If I had married my finace, I would have been out of the marriage long long ago.  I feel like my husband and I are joined almost at the hip, we have some sort of special chemistry.

I am just trying to be fair and say that you do need this sort of chemistry in the beginning to be able to endure the hard times when you feel like you lose your love for each other out of resentment.  I have talked to long married couples who told me that the secret of thier long marriage was thaty they never fell out of love with each other at the SAME TIME, as it happens throughout the course of a marraige.  One of the other has to keep it going until the other "finds" their love again, that is if it was really there to begin with.

My therapist suggested I "act as if" I was still in love with my husband during that time.  I choked ont he words, but I told him I loved him often, and after a few months, it was no longer an effort.  Even though it churned my stomach, I hugged and kissed him and was intimate with him, once again, I was surprised one day when it was no longer repulsive.  He responded in sincerely loving waysto my efforts at affection, and his sincere efforts and words helped me to fall in love with him again.

It is different than it was, but we still have special moments, and that is enough for me for now.

My husband is back to drinking, sigh, but we promised each other to stick with our marriage and try to make it happy, SO , we are still limping along...but I prefer this to getting a divorce and starting over.

Have you ever been divorced?  Even though I was the "innocent party" in my first divorce (he beat me up, did drugs, AND cheated on me) it was still the most horrible experience in my life.  It was absolutely miserable, and cost me a small fortune.  And you have kids?  YIKES, it was bad enough with just my one baby, the more kids you have the worse it is and the misery and suffering are multiplied.  Divorce is never as easy, painless, and quick as some people make it out to be.

Try to learn a new way of interacting with each other.  It was based before on you "saving her" so now you have to learn how to have fun with her.  Not as easy at is sounds.

Isabela

((((((((((((((((((((((marks)))))))))))))))))))))  I come from a different perspective with my 21 year old alcoholic daughter as you know. I keep wanting my same daughter back the way she use to be before drinking yet how could that possibly ever happen? She was young back then and all of us change who we are over time. I want so much to be accepted and loved unconditionally myself so why can't I do that with my daughter? I am trying to be that way with her. Now, as far as a marriage, I have my own problems similiar to the alcoholic yet my husband is not an alcoholic. Once our daughter's disease settled down, it affected or is affecting our marriage. I feel any ones marriage takes work. No marriage is easy and does not change. So, a marriage does take two and if a married couple can communicate better and talk to each other about what each wants then that would be ideal. If a couple needs marriage counseling then get it. My spouse and I have had alot of marriage counseling over time and if one does not work with what the counselor suggests that is not good either.  I think the best thing is to keep communicating with our spouses and trying to do things together as a couple. If you haven't tried that maybe it would help to try. Just talking outloud with my thoughts. cdb

Hi Mark,

I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this.

With everything that has happened in my marriage the one thing I do know is how much I love my husband and always have. There have been days that I could not stand the sight of him and possibly even hated him, but a part of me always loved him. Over the years things have changed, we are not kids any more, in fact while we still have little ones we also have teens and young adults. We watch them go through the trials and tribulations that we did at their age.

My love for him has changed over the years many times. There where also times when we where almost cold or indifferent to each other. I have to agree with what someone else said, it was never at the same time.

While making myself happy is my job and not his, I am truly at my most content when we are together.

My Mom and Dad have been together for 55 years and I believe they have one of the strongest marriages I have ever seen. My Mom told me along time ago that a Marriage is like the tides, always changing, and you have to go with the ebb and flow. You mentioned in your post how you where floating along. With everything that has happened, maybe it is just your time to float.

Change takes time, and sobriety cannot fix everything. Do what is best for you and your marriage. If both paretns love them, the children will be fine. Give yourself the time to heal and to get to know each other again, or even for the first time. If and when the time is right, you will know.

It sounds like you have been very patient with your Wife. How about being a little patient with yourself. It took time for things to get out of control and it will take time for things to get better.

                Love Jeannie

Hi,

Everyone is different.  This is what happened with me.   I divorced my husband because I couldn't stand living with the active drinking.   I still loved him.  I hated what he had become.  It was a dead marriage for a long time.  I never thought we could heal.   I never thought I could trust again.   But I remember praying to God and telling him I hoped he really meant love bears all things.....

We remarried and he has been sober for 4 years.   I don't think about what if, I don't project.   There are no guarantees.   If he drank tomorrow, I remember so much of how wonderful a man is while sober.    The sobriety doesn't solve everything, like it was said.

I still need alanon for me.

Good luck.

((((((Mark))))))

I am so glad to see you on the board, I have missed you alot.

I am sory that you are feeling the way you are right now and it sucks big time!!!  I have wondered alot about my feelings... Shutting them off and turning them on is so much work.  I have had my feeling for my husband shut off for so long that it is awkward to be open to the fact that it is ok to feel(good or bad) but just to feel my feelings.  I too often find that my love and the way I see my husband is not in the loving manner it used to be but instead I mostly just don't feel any thing for him and it saddens me now because I too don't know if divorce or seporation is in the cards for me.  The more I think about all of this the more depressed I feel!!! Knowing and seeing what I am doing to myself does make it a bit easier as I can take my focus off of that part of my life and put the focus back on myself and my children and just live my life the best that I can.  I do know and it is probably the only thing that I know for sure is that my HP is taking care of me!!! and will continue to do so!! Don't sweat the big stuff!!  When I know what to do everything will be crystal clear but for now I will just be the "Fly by the seat of my pants girl" that I have always been. Just taking it easy and letting it all slide off my back and enjoying the short summer with my kids.

I hope that you can relax and enjoy the summer as well!!

Your friend JJ

Dearest Mark,

I have been down a path very similar to yours. Not knowing if I should call it quits with my marriage. Just as you I have children also. There was a time when I questioned if I was staying in the marriage just for the "sake" of the kids, or if I was in a comfort zone and didn't want to shake the tree.

For me the thing that turned it all around was getting a sponsor and really working the Steps. My sponsor was marvelous and listened to my ramblings and insecurities, my resentments and my guilts. I was brutally honest with her and held nothing back. Just letting go of all the "wreckage" was freeing. I became able to see reality for what it was. And what was my part. With the new found clarity I had I could make logical descions. And I am happy with the choices that I made with my new found freedom.  

Just a humble suggestion get a sponsor and work the Steps, or if you have already done them, maybe it is time for a refresher set of steps. The Steps can be repeated at any time when you feel the need.

Love & God Bless

lildee