My husband found this old book in a thrift shop, "The Trouble With Alcohol". I liked this section, does it sound like anybody you know? Most alcoholics have four character traits that keep them frustrated, in pain, moody, and desocialized. It is a good idea to take a hard look at these traits. 1. Alcoholics are frustrated persons because more than likely life has placed them in a situation they do not like. They drink because alcohol puts everything right. It removes the frustration and makes everything that is terrible about their lives become beautiful. Alcoholics see a maked discrepancy between the dreams for their future and their actual accomplishments. They are perpetually daydreaming, in a way that is more normal for an adolescent than an adult. They have an immature repsonse to life. 2. Alcoholics are always in pain. Poor physical condition, mental and spiritual problems all cause them to suffer. They are dogged by guilt. Remorsefully, they veiw the mess they have made of their lives. Whenever they think of themselves, self-pity overwhelms them. Then they feel more and more inferior. 3. Alcoholics are very moody persons. Today they're high; they're the life of the party; everything looks up. Tomorrow they're low, full of self-pity, and sure that the world is at an end. When not under the influence of alcohol, they are extremely self-conscious. Everything that is said, everything that happens, seems to apply to them. It is impossible for alcoholics to look at themselves and laugh. The way they take themselves so seriously is characteristic of their immaturity. They have an overmastering ego. Either alcoholics play the major role as the star, or they will not be a part of any of life's dramas at all. 4. Most alcoholics are desocialized persons who don't seem to belong. They may pull themselves away from everyone, or paradoxically, they may enjoy being with others. In fact they can be the life of the party. But all are desocialized in this way: They do not derive a feeling of security by belonging to a group or by associating themselves with any institution. It's like he was standing in front of my husband, describing what he saw. As I have said before, here, I find this comforting and useful. If someone who has never met my husband can describe his character and personality so accurately, it proves to me that the traits that have caused so much pain to us all, are not flaws in my husband's character; they are not reactions to some failure of mine as a wife and a person; they are not moral failures, they are not sin. They are the symptoms of a disease, and can be viewed dispassionately.

Hi Linda...what an appropriate message.  I was just thinking this am that I should'nt use the board to act like my husband is so terrible.  He has this terrible disease, and after 30 years, of course I love him.  I just hate the disease, and he has no desire to be cured.

Yes...the description fits...just as a description of a codependent fits me.  Thanks to the program, little rays of hope filter through from time to time.

I don't want to leave, today, I just want to accept what it, and to be able to be happy while living with "what is" and pray for the serenity to accept the changes.

So, thank you today for your message,

G

Sounds alot like my hubby too.  It's great to know that it's not about character flaws and that we should not take the behavior personally.  It's still hard to stay focused on that sometimes. 

mom to 2

Lin, Thanks for the post. Lots of those traits sound like me when I am practicing my compulsie behaviors! I definitely see how I am just as sick as the A in my life today. I guess I'll keep coming back. Thanks again. -- Jessi

Wow, this really hit me hard.  I was reading thru it, and it dawned on me.  This didn't describe my husband at all, it described me, to a tee.  I just kept reading it and reading thinking, holy cow, this was how my father was, and this, perhaps not so extreme, but it does describe me.

And so it hit me, I've been in the wrong room.  I should be looking for AA meetings.  I'm one of those people who doesn't necessarily drink much or often, I don't get in trouble everytime I drink, but every time I have regrets, it's during a time I was drinking.  For the most part, I've never really done anything terrible, but like a sign, two days after reading this and thinking hard about it, I made a mistake, it was a small mistake, but it could have easily turned into a huge one. But that is for another time and place.

I didn't want to drop out of sight with out saying thank you.  Some of you have really helped me out, weather you know it or not, I looked forward to seeing your names on the chat site because I found it comforting.  I think I will come back from time to time, as I go down this other path.  I think it will be hard as I still do live with someone who drinks too much - alot more than I do actually, but for now I need to focus on making sure I don't put myself in the position I was in Sunday, ever again.

I know some of the people on this site also go to AA - any advise or good online chat/s meetings are welcome.

Thank you, may you all find serenity and peace,

Cathy