Hey all, glad to be here, hope you guys are doing well.

Just when i think i have all the answers(ha ha) something new pops up in my mind.  i am going to go back to school in the fall so i can get a better paying job to support myself and two children so i can leave my a.  but then i think if i know i'm going to leave him why not do it now so that the kids are not hurt by him further and me too.  Maybe i should just throw him out but he pays all the bills.  but i am sick to my stomach living with him because he wants an intimate relationship with me and i do not when he is high.  also he will come around the apartment and harrass me to no end.  that drama is not healthy for the kids either but neither is living with him like this.  i wish i could make a decision and stick with it!!!!!  So many times i sit here and go"  well it's not that bad right now, let's just see what happens"  and then i read someone elses post and i feel like maybe i am just numb to it and getting so used to the abuse that it is the normal way to live for me that i cannot see what is real and what is true.  Confusing!!!!  i know it should be clear to me how to go about things but when feelings are involved it makes things tough.  Turning him in didnt work b/c his p/o doesn't feel it's necessary, GRRRRRRR!!!  I think that is my hp telling me to deal with it myself.  Or giving me more time to do the things to better myself without being so stessed trying to do it all alone.  whatever happens i am glad  i am here and that i have some support.  Take it easy guys

with love

julie

Hi Julie

 

Tough tough decisions. Your HP will show you the way.

Things became clear to me only after many months of alanon. Attending meetings on this site, redaing the alanon literature, sharing here and in my face to face meetings.

from what I can see our growth is a process. And you are doing very well to be aware of what is going on. It is a very important step

 

Keep coming back

I know what you mean - sometimes in the throws of emotion, I think - "I can't stand this one more second", next day I'm going "It's not too bad, I can take it, and even enjoy it". To me, this is a sign that I am not ready for any big moves. I often think that I can stand things the way they are now, and I could stand being on my own, if I left him. What I could not stand is the drama and confrontation of actually leaving. Things are actually pretty good with my husband right now, he is sober, and working his program. We seldom fight, and often even have some really close moments. Even so, the pain and betrayal of some of the things that have happened in the past haunt us. I sometimes feel like we are both thinking "You know what? No hard feelings, but I 'd like to just give this up as a bad job and start fresh." I don't want to hurt him, he is so damaged already, and is trying so hard. I don't want to hurt my kids, who love us both. But, you know, I don't really want to be married to him anymore. This is how I feel right now. But, tomorrow, we will have a moment of closeness that only twenty complicated years can give you, and I will think "I love him so much, I am so glad I stayed". Go figure.

Megan

thanks i am coming to realize that my hp will indeed show me the way and that i need to listen quietly to him and my instincts that i am doing the best i can and give myself a break,  although not easy, i am trying so thanks!

julie

lin,

that is so true!  i know i would be fine if i left b/c i really feel like i don't want to do this anymore.  i don't really feel like i want to be with him at all except for being friends b/c of all the past hurts.  i cannot believe we've been together for 9 years!  a lot of that time he spent in prison and i always made it and know i can again.  it's just the drama of leaving and hiding from him and dealing with the kids being upset, etc. etc., that really sucks.  and then when he does find out where we are, he hounds me and hounds me like you would not believe.he's a control freak and cannot stand for things not to go his way.  i hate dealing with it and having to just be so cold and shut him out only to eventuallt break down and let him come back.  then i'm depressed and defeated cuz once again i messed up and couldn't hold on.  he is not a reasonable person and wont just do what is right for the children b/c he doesn't see what he is doing to them.  so i know that i am not ready to do it all again yet.  i'm glad you shared that with me cuz i can really relate.  i am trying so hard not to feel like a failure!!!!  my future before i met him was so bright and successful.  what the heck????  i'm so glad i found alanon and hope and pray that i find a way out

julie

Browneyes,

 I been where you are and I did leave ,and  never returned.I cant tell you what is best for you and your kids I know abuse is never right no matter what.I would suggest keep posting here find a face to face meeting get a sponosor and .I also suggest you find a womens shelter in your area or even call the police they can give you all the phone numbers and get  some counling it  is all free and they wont tell your husband and see what you are up against the steps to do and when not to do.

It is ovious you want and are trying to get it together but browneyes you cant do this alone ask for help you can even get on line type in dometic viloence you pull up stuff. have a plan.

you didnt cause it you cant control it you cant cure it. no matter how much you lovehim you cant fix him .be good to your self and be careful and i want you to know i just added you and the kdis to my prayer list and i will be praying go on lnie and do meeting as much as you can .

keep comeing back if you have to do it in secret or not keep comeing back.