Hello, I am new to this group. My husband is an A. I love him so dearly. He is a great man. Even when drinking he would never hurt me or our children. He just gets quiet for the most part and acts like a clammed shell fish. He will forget things I tell him, or say that I never told him. But aside from all that I can deal with that. He is in a support group and they are now pressuring him, for me to join in the al-anon group. In their opinion I would be a great support for him. I do support what he wants, or what he needs. But sometimes I go too far. For the most part, I will ignore the fact that he drinks becuase I do not want to deal with it in general. But then I get angry and we usually end up not talking. Which we all know only makes the pot boil more and more. But we go farther back than this. We used to be good friends in school, then we ran into eachother after years of not seeing eachother. We went out and from the first night on I knew he was going to be the one for me. I fell in love with him many years ago and it just never went away. My father and my mother both were A's. And then I married one. I do not understand that part of it. But I do know one thing I could never walk away from him. I love him too much. When he is sober, which is more often than when he is drunk. We have an awesome time together. We have so much love between us, even his counselor told him he has one of the strongest support (family) systems she has seen in years. SHe also told him he should feel very luck to have such a strong bond with his wife. I dont know, though sometimes I feel like I spend so much time worrying about why he is drinking, that I forget to take care of myself. He has a lot of pain in his life. But we are working through it together. Any ideas>?

Angel,

Thanks for your honest post. Alanon is for families and friends who are impacted by alcoholism. They probably recommended it because there is a wealth of information to help us understand and find comfort. Your question about why you married an alcoholic after coming from A parents might be answered there.

Even if we love our A's and I do love mine, I think that we all need some separateness to discover who we are and what our issues are. So when we do connect in the relationship we are a little bit healthier.

Keep coming back.

Nancy

Thanks, Nancy I could never not love him. When I look at him I dont even see an A. I lived with my dad for 21 years and he drank every day, in and out. But my hubbie does not do that. He does not drink every day. Not even everyother day. But he still has been classified as an A. I just dont get it. When he hurts he drinks. But his tolerance is so high, it barley affexts him.

Hi Angel,

I assume your husband's support group is alcohol related?  So, he evidently has realized a problem.  Your idea of alcoholism is preconcieved by what what you saw your father do daily.  Alcoholics don't have to drink every day to be alcoholics.  There are many different types.  Your husband seems to be of the type that turns to alcohol to dull some mental pain.  That's normally the core of alcoholism.

Many of us here love our husbands but hate the disease.  As spouses, we are all affected in some form or another.  We came to Alanon for help with ourselves and situations of varying degrees.

Alanon gives us tools that help our reactions to the alcoholic.  Many are so buried in their concern to "fix" the alcoholic that they totally lose themselves and who they are as a person.  Alanon helps reclaim that person.

I think that absolutely anyone can put the wealth of information to use in every aspect of life.  Not just with alcoholics.

You said "I dont know, though sometimes I feel like I spend so much time worrying about why he is drinking, that I forget to take care of myself."

Alanon can teach you to take care of yourself first.  Worrying serves no beneficial purpose, I've learned to turn that time in to more productive things...like me!  :)

You might like to visit the chatroom here if you haven't done so.  Between daily meetings there is open chat where you can ask questions, get feedback fand meet people in various degrees of recovery.

Take care

Christy

 

Thank you Christy, yes you are right as much as I love him; I try to FIX ALL. And I know in the back of my mind these issues are things I can not fix. But I can be there for him. That what I told him. I can not fix it but I can stand with you and not in front of you or behind you but beside you. Thank you so much :)