I would like some advice about my A drinking at home.  He goes down in the basement every night - usually after 11 PM. and gets drunk. I hate it. Of course my nagging about it hasn't helped. He says at least he's not at the bar. In some ways I agree. I used to stay up all night wondering he he was alright or he he would get into an accident. He is not in any kind of committed relationship with AA. I have older kids who know whats happening in the basement. they have to go down there for laundry etc.  I feel like there is no sanctity in my home. Is having "no drinking allowed at home" something I can reasonably demand?  He is a notorious "sneaker." Is my not demanding this a form of enabling? or is it something that I have to wait for him to change? and I pray it happens soon -He's 52 and doesn't seem to be getting the message even after having some alcohol/cocaine induced seizures-where he hit a parked car with people in it.  I know he has quit the cocaine but he has a love/hate relationship with the booze and can't quit by himself. would appreciate any thoughts about drinking at home.

Hi Suzee,

Very few people have luck with that because controlling anything they do rarely works.  It would most likely make him even more sneaky.  If you did place that boundary, what would the repercussion be if he sneaked it?  Are you prepared to leave?  Or ask him to leave the home?  If not, then all you would be doing is confirming to him that your boundaries can be broken. 

The best thing we can do is step back, not enable and set reasonable boundaries that will not bend.

When we step back (detach) and leave them alone..we leave them standing with their disease and hope they are forced to look at it.

Christy

Hello Suzee,

My husband and I are almost 50. I am wondering if your husband may be suffering from a type of depression. If it were me I would suggest he get a physical if your insurance will pay. That is about all I would do. I wouldn't mention the drinking etc., Just suggest a physical and it is up to him what he chooses to talk to the doctor about. Making a suggestion once is okay. Mentioning it many times is considered controlling from what I have learned here. Otherwise alanon is a great program to work on you and the disease of alcoholism. You have come to the right chatroom/message board to help you. Also check out face to face alanon groups where you can get a newcomers packet with lots of information. Keep coming back. Nice meeting you. cdb :)

Yeah, the trouble with boundaries is that people don't respect them! The best boundary is one that is about YOUR behaviour, not his. That is - I will not sit upstairs fretting about him - I will not stay home unhappy just because he's there drinking - I will still have friends over, no matter what he is doing. or whatever. Something that helps you meet your needs, and that you feel you can live by. A boundary that is about someone else's behaviour is often doomed. Then you are faced with the hard decisions. If you say 'no drinking in my home", then you must be prepared for the consequences, that is, he may say "Fine", and go drink in some other woman's home. He may 'sneak'. He may go out and drink in the garage. He may take off and be gone for days at a time. If you are not prepared to deal with these things, then you need to think about your boundary. For myself, I preferred him drinking at home, as he wasn't driving; he usually didn't get as drunk, because we never kept hard liquor in the house, only beer; and he wasn't as likely to get talked into stupid things by friends. He also knew how much I hated his long sessions at the bar, we had fought about them many times. Therefore, when he drank at home, he felt 'virtuous', because he wasn't doing the thing I hated. This meant that he was not feeling guilty, and therefore much less likely to attack me and make things my fault in order to relieve his guilty feelings. So, for me, drinking at home made my life better. Was I enabling, because I allowed it? Maybe, I don't know. I still can't always sort out that tangled mess. I do know that I wasn't prepared to leave, and it made it possible for me to stay. Hope this has been helpful

Hi Suzee,

   First off I have to tell you I have a no drinking at home policy, because I didn't want myself or my kids to have to have to watch him drink, also it was a control thing.  He does sneak alcohol in my home but atleast I don't have to watch him drink it, that makes my blood boil.  I don't like dealing with him under the influence and he has no license.  So if he really wants to drink he either has to hide it or drink elsewhere. 

    However, you can only do what you are confortable with, I'm not sure that my rule is effective or that it is helping in anyway.  But I'm glad it is not around.  Maybe if you don't feel that you can live with him taking off to the bars or staying out drinking, and he doesn't stop you could start with insisting that he clean up after himself.  I know that is easier said than done but you said he goes down there late at night so maybe if he picks it all up that may help.  I don't know I can only say that banning it from the house doesn't solve anything.

Good Luck, keep coming back

Holly

I have to say that I agree 100% with linn that you can only set boundaries that control YOUR behavior.  The ones she mentioned were great, that you would not worry about what he is doing and go on with your life when he is in the basement drinking.

I think that this is where many spouses go wrong, trying to treat their spouses like they were their children and set "rules" for them like a child.  This only a recipe for failure as most adults know that another adult has no moral right to try to control their LEGAL behavior.  It is not illegal to buy alcohol, drink, or get drunk in your own home.  It is public intoxication, open containers in a moving vehicle  and driving drunk, which are illegal.  This type of conduct from the non-drinking spouse will only breed resentment, as most spouses don't want to be treated like a child by the other spouse, especially a husband will resent a wife trying to control his behavior.

I certainly sympathize with you as I also have a husband who regularly gets drunk at home in front of our daughter.  Only, unlike you husband who attempts to please you by being discreet, my husband lays out on the couch in all of his drunken glory for all to see.

My husband pointed out to me that he has the right to live life the way he sees fit and he believes that it is nor harmful to our daughter to realize that "most men like to drink" (his words).  Although not my choice for our daughter, I realize that he has a point. 

It is as much the alcoholic's home as the non-drinker and they have EVERY right to engage in LEGAL activites in their home if they chose.  I certainly don't like this, but that is the reality of life.

Even if I get a divorce it won't mean that my daughter will be raised MY WAY only, fathers get visition and maybe even joint custody.  If he has his own home he probably won't drink in the basement when the kids are visiting, but will probably drink in the open.

There is just no way around the fact that as their father, your husband has the right to parent the way he sees fit, and he sees nothing wrong with drinking at home.

I was able to see through alanon that this was part of the "sickness" that family members of alcoholics develop.  We are so desperate to heal our loved ones that our view of life becomes warped, we feel that part of our right to "set boundaries" means that we can somehow try to find a way to manipulate others through OUR "boundaries". 

How is recognizing your husband's right as an adult to engage in legal activity in his own home "enabling"? Are you giving him the money to buy the alcohol?   Are you purchasing it for him and keeping his "drinking room" well stocked for when he needs it?  Unless you are doing these things you are NOT enabling him.

YOU have the right to remove yourself from the situation by moving out and getting a divorce, you may get back into the house afterwards, but you never know.  When all is said and done and the divorce is over, YOU will never have to witness him going down to his "drinking room" again, but your children will possibly still be subjected to it when they either visit him or live with him.

Part of alanon's message is to STOP trying to control another person's behavior.  Many people can become very sneaky about still attempting to do this, it has become a way of life.  Setting boundaries which involve SOMEONE else doing or not doing something is not a boundary for YOU, but a sneaky attempt to control someone else's behavior. 

A boundary for YOU would be to either move out, not worry about it, or ignore it entirely.

Isabela