I am sitting here feeling totally lost in this crazy life style.  I am debating whether to just end our marriage.  Seems like the drinking is getting worse and my A refuses to admit to the problem and truly believes our marriage is great.  I know I owe it to our daughter to give her the upbringing she deserves.  I don't want her to think that this is how a marriage is.  He works, goes to the local bar and drinks Wild Turkey, and brings home a 6 pack of beer to drink while he holds down our bed.  No real conversation w/our daughter or myself.  He will eat dinner after all the plates are cleared and things are cleaned up.  Rude...  He thought it would be a good idea to tell me that I am a moody little b**** tonight.  Said he could just punch me.  He has never been physically abusive.  I was going to get out to the mall for a little while when I went to our bedroom he was sleeping.  I told him if he was going to sleep at 6 p.m. then I would stay home.  Leaving a 4 year old home w/a sleeping drunk doesn't seem really safe to me.  But as always I am the one w/the problem.  Seems almost like we are in a stand off w/ each other.  Nothing changes and he seems to think he can refuse to get divorced.  He said its not happening.  I guess what I am asking is how do you get them to leave....  This is his problem and I don't think my daughter should be uprooted since it will be hard enough on her if I go through w/this.  I just feel like I am a time bomb at this point.  I don't think things are ever going to be right.  I wish I had the courage to move on as I know that is what is best.  Please give me some words of wisdom to do this...  I have been on and off this board for over a year.  I feel like its time to start living.  I turned 35 this week and I know this is not the way I want to spend the rest of my life.

ODAAT

I know where you are hon. In Oregon you can get a restraining order for him not to come near your home. He threatened bodily harm. The judge would ask you if you fear for you life, and do you believe he will act on the A's threats. There is no reason to have to wait until he does to get a RO. You go to the police station and get the papers and fill them out. Make a list of all his threats, has he ever pushed you? Poked you with his finger hard? Has he forced you to have relations when you told him no? Do you feel your daughter is safe with him in the home? Believe me, it does get worse as they keep using. Soon he will start having horrible physical problems. So on top of him using, he will be sick and complaining all the time. Please keep posting. It will help you to sort out what you want to do. Much love,debilyn

Thank you for your post!  You are always so helpful.  The answer to your questions are all No.  He has NEVER tried to hurt me or our daughter. Like you said though it is getting worse.  Don't feel I need a RO yet as he went and just went to bed.  He won't admit to his problems and is walking around w/ high blood pressure that is being untreated.  He is a walking heart attack waiting to happen. All he does is work, drink, and sleep.  I am not willing to watch him circle the drain and he is not bringing me w/him..  I wish he would just leave but he won't.

OK, darn it. Well what are your other options? Is your house big enough for you to move out of the bedroom into your own space? I had to do that and it was nice actually. Of course the next option is for you to start new and get a place for you and daughter. I know it would be hard, as you are already losing your A. It is of course up to you. But I know it might end up being very healthy for you if you want to be on your own. This is my experience. I feel if we marry or are with an A, we need to set up our life, so if they are not there, we are ok. My house, and vehicle, and income are all mine. I tried to be a real wife/married like it supposedly should be and about lost everything. Has taken me years to get back to feeling secure and not afraid. His disease basically got me homeless, carless, did not have much food, went down three sizes, I was starving. Partly from grief part trying to put things back together. He came back a few times. The last time, he started his bs getting into my face cussing. It would come out of nowhere. I am not a fighter or yeller. Never have been. That always made him so mad. Anyway, what do you think about finding your own home? What stops you from that? You are very brave to be looking at ways to change things, and not get pulled down into his disease pit. You have your eyes wide open. I see you are not trying to control him or fight the disease. I am sorry for you all however. It is so sad uno, a young family, I am sure you did not ever think this would happen. Have you read the book, "Getting Them Sober?" I sure love that one. Easy to read and it really keeps my eyes open. So many truths in it. It might give you some insight. Keep coming back!!! Love,debilyn