Hey,

I just need to get some of this pain out.  i feel so all alone and pitifuland like I'm just sick and tired and sick and tired of it.  Where do i find the motivation to do all this all the time It's like I can't get out of the funk to do it anymore.  i don't do it right.  and i'm drowning and drowning in all the crap and i'm not good enough and I know what i need to do but ive done it before and its such upheaval all the time and feelings of reentment and guilt and hatred.  I want someone to do it all for me to take care of me and make it all go away.  I know i'm depressed and it SUCKS!!!  I'm trying to vomit all the sickness out and it doesn't work.  I'm already on meds for the depression i've had all my life, but right now i just dont know .  I know i'm pissed and hurt and i want him to go away.  i don;t even know how i did it all these years and i feel like a fool for letting it go on and on and on and no one wants to help me anymore cuz theyre sick of me too and i dont blame them...i dont even love him but im so weak to even take care of it i cant stand up for myself and i never do to ayone even my own children im such a nonperson i dont even have a personality anymore thanks for listening

julie

I hear you. I say get to a meeting as soon as possible.

Welp, I felt like you are feeling right now many a time. Venting is good :) I can't type a lot now. But please try to get to a meeting if at all possible as soon as possible. Once upon a time I felt as if I and my life were a bag of marbles that the ex A took and strew across the floor. I felt as if there was literally NOTHING left of me. I was used up trash. I was suicidal. Come to find I was lucky. I hated me, him, my kids, and my life until he dumped it out all over the floor. I was lucky because I got to pick up the parts of me that I wanted and let the other ones roll right out the door. The worst point in my life turned out to be a gift. You really can't expect to see the light when your buried so deep in the darkness - but trust me when I tell you the light IS there. Its VERY hard work but ya just gotta keep doing the little things to take care of you - cause no, sadly, no one else is ever gonna do it for you. Boy don't I wish though :)

Hi Browneyes

 

i felt the same way last July.

That is when I was sick and in so much pain that i fianlly found alanon.

I went to meetings, read the books, listened and absorbed like a sponge.

I took care of me - a new concept.

You can do it. Don't think of the entirety of it, just try to think, today, hey what is something easy and nice you can do for yourself?

I bought lipstick then good quality shoes, then nice clothes, then a truck, then an apartment of my own.My growth has taken a year so far but the year goes by anyway.

Alanon teaches us to take care of ourselves and our needs because that reaaly is all we can control.

Keep coming back

browneyes,

 We have all gone though that and some of us are still sorting it all out.I am sorry for the pain you are in.Yo are doing some good stuff posting here and venting.I dont know if you go to meetings on lnie but please do and as soon as you can go to face to face meeting.You are not a lost cause you are a woman in pain doing the best she can.

dont beat yourself up over i should of or why didnt i just start yuor day from here.The good thing about this program is you can start from where you are and start over .

Their are many veteran alanon people on this site talk to them if you can get one or two of the books read and go to meetings as often as you can,

quit beating yourself up and maybe some peopple do get tired and dont stay in your life but some dont get tired and personally i am glad you are here your honesty made me strike out and get at some real  issues i was running from so i am glad you are here keep posting

dori

((((((((((Julie))))))))))))

I can feel the pain in your post, and the confusion and the want to just give up.

I know I have been there. Days when I believe all of the garbage and just think why bother. Well the reason to bother is because you matter.

It is a horrible, ugly, nasty disease and it isn't just about them, it takes us with it if we let it. It causes pain, confusion and self doubt. Don't buy into the garbage, none of this is your fault. You are a victim and you are worth saving.

You are not a nonperson, you are just depressed, your body and mind is protecting itself from the insanity in the only way it knows how, by shutting down.

As the others have said get to a meeting. Take a long walk, hg your children. Do whatever you need to do to make yourslef realize that life can be better and is worth living to the fullest.

Start by doing something nice for yourself, or listen to some really good music. Then get a good nites sleep, tomorrow is a new day and you are worth making it a good one for you and your kids.

                      Love Jeannie

browneyes ,

please forgive me for my outbursts and yellnig at you . you are doing a good job and i am proud of you for being honest and posting keep it up we all been where you are at , and i am sorry i yelled at you about the drunk driveing no matter my pain i had no right to judge you or hurt you i am sorry dori

Hi,

Just want you to know you are not alone in  this.   Sometimes we just get sick and tired of being sick and tired.

I also am being treated for depression and take meds for it.  My doctor always encourages me to go to alanon.   And I also work out when I am stressed.   I have read lately exercise is just as effective as meds in treating depression.

Also read one time "There would be less need for psychiatrists if people would go for a daily, long walk."

I have always tended to keep my feelings inside and that hurts me.   Do you have a journal?

Take care.

Hi Julie...I feel like crap alot of the time too, so you are not alone in this.  Sometimes I wonder, "why go on"...but,

I also see you talk about "all of the time", and sometimes, for me, that's just too much space to conquer, so I take it down to just a little bit of time...just for today, I took a long shower, applied a little makeup, EVEN SHAVED MY LEGS!!!!, and ironed the capris I'm wearing today.  Hey, that all took about 15 minutes...but I treated myself for a few moments as if I were special, and as if I mattered.

So, do a little baby step, just for you, because you matter very much.  You are an integral part of the universe, whether you can see it today or not.

I've gone through the dance for 30 years, and I no longer lean on the people I used to lean on.  Like you, I figure they are tired of my problems...and they probably figure if I'm stupid enough to stay in the relationship, I deserve whatever I get.  But, it's none of my business what anybody thinks of me.  What I think of myself is more important.

Do the best you can today, with what you've got.  Ask your HP to help you just drift through the pain...tomorrow will be another day, or just start this one over any time you want to do so.

You'll be in my prayers and thoughts today.  I share your pain, and I'm rooting for you to get up off your backside and root for yourself.  You can do it!  There's a lot of us out here who have those days....give to them, and you will receive more than you know.

((((((julie)))))))))))

(((((((((((julie))))))))))) I have felt exactly the same way many, many times. I get depresed myself, even when things may be ok, I still lose sight of the things in life that I am blessed with. Even in the worst of times, I will always have me, and as much as that person may scare or upset me, it is who I am, and only by trying to focus on my program, even when it is the last thing that I want to do, can I at least come to terms with and cope with that curveball that I just swong at and missed. We do not have all the anweres, we are givin the pieces of life and we try to make sence of the ones we have found, and with the guidance and strenght of HP, even when I am at my lowest, tomorrow will be another day.... A chance to do things differently, not for my A, not for my friends, or my family, but for ME. Take care of yourself julie, you are worth it!

Browneyes I too have felt that useless,non person feeling. It takes time, baby steps of treating yourself, lots of meetings, lots of reading and lots of venting here. I know everyone else told you all of these things. Sometimes it takes time ti really hear what is being said to us. My therapist has suggested an additional anti-depressant to jump start the one I was already on this spring. I was so down I couldn't get up. Some how I came out of that slump and feel like again I've grown from it. These painful periods can carry great lesons that we can'r see until we're out of them. I don't know how your relationship with your higher power but it might be a good time to improve it. These are all things that have worked for me. Take what you like and leave the rest but always know you are among friends here. Whitie