Hi everybody, I need some help.

I have been going back in forth in my mind on what to do in my situation for a couple of days now.  My husband almost drove me, my two kids, and my mother-in-law into a wall last night because he was falling asleep at the wheel.  I begged him to let me drive.  Finally he veered over through three lanes and stopped the car so i could drive and proceeded to yell at me the whole way home.  He has been using meth and staying awake for the past two months and working non-stop, so he is over tired.  He is on parole, has been in and out of prison, been in programs, in and out of our lives, and he just doesn't get it.  I'm afraid to turn him in b/c then I become sole supporter of my children and I never see them b/c I am at work all the time.  I am also afraid that he is going to kill someone on the road as he is a big rig driver.  That is my biggest fear that I didn't do anything to stop it and someone innocent has to die.  And I'm afraid to take my kids' father away from them again if they violate my husband.  they have been through so much and then it's like taking their mommy away too b/c i am gone working two jobs to support us.  Do I turn my husband in?  And btw he won't leave on his own or turn himself in, so don't even suggest that.  Thank you in advance

Browneyes,

Please consider carefully that you are not denying your children of a father.  You are keeping them safe from his actions under the influence.  As you say he will not leave or turn himself in.  Do you want him to continue to influence your children in this way.  Is this healthy way for your children to live.  I to, like many others in this program had to make tough choices like this.  But when it comes down to it, we are not taking our alcoholics/addicts away from our children.  They are doing that themselves.  Take care of yourself and your children.  You deserve happiness and serenity in your lives.  Only you can make the decision to turn him in or leave him.  Your concern over having to work 2 jobs and your children not seeing you as much.  What I know is that your children will appreciate what you are sacrificing for their well being.  Maybe not at first but they usually come around and understand as you get better and things are calmer at home they start to feel safe and become happy.

Good luck to you.  Keep coming back. 

Karen

Please consider the safety of the children first.  I have a 44 year old daughter with a 7 year out thier using Meth off and on.  I know I have no control over her using, but my concern is for my grandson.  Please look at the danger his using is putting you, kids and your mother in law in. 

I support you in finding another soluation other then having him living around you and the kids. Keep writing and asking for help.  Its hard to let the using addict take full responsiblity for their actions, but we need to, or it never ends.  Then again their are no sure things.  Keep yourself and your children safe.

Blessings

kb

hey,

 i want to scream at you but i wont my sister was killed by a drunk driver and killed at the age of 22 and you are reponsible for your kids they are first end of strory i cant belive you even need some one to spell this out to you .dori

Please keep coming here. We all have different things to say that might help or just make ya feel not so alone and or confused. I loved my first husband very much. We had two kids, three and four. He did the usual you A stuff, not coming home on Friday night, out partying. I did not ever drink. He was always good to us and I never saw him drunk. Well one day he had the kids, he drove home and was drunkWITH MY SWEET BABIES. That was that. I filed for divorce. I hated to do it, but I had to. Well he went out that night and got himself ran over and died seven days later. But my kids are grown and beautiful and good to the world. I had to go back to school. It was too hard on my kids so I worked for the school district to be home when they were home. There are so many ways to make it work. Go back to school, get grants and loans. Many schools have child care right on campus. Show your kids how a person can pull themself up and change their lives. I went to school for five years, and worked full time later when they were older. There are so many things to help a single mom. Scholarships, lotsa stuff. If you would rather work, what makes you have to work two jobs? Do you own your home and maybe the payment is too high? There are so many options for you. Living in a dangerous situation is one option, not one I chose. You and your babies are the most important. Meth changes people. They become psychotic. There is research that when they use their brains are just like a person who is psychotic. Well after awhile they destroy any of themselves left.\ Hon he could do so many horrible things to you and the kids. When people are not sleeping,that in itself is bad news. I believe you know what needs to be done. Look for that strong you, think about your precious kids. What kind of life do you want for them? They need you to be happy. Believe me there are more options that you even realize. Go to the employment office There are jobs online, you could do child care, so many things. I took care of pets in peoples homes and brought in their mail and stuff. Made good money too. Paper delivery is one too. Ya drive around and leave the paperkids their papers... Anyhoo glad you are here, keep coming back. love,debilyn

You need to get out Browneyes before something truly awful happens that you possibly could have prevented. If you haven't enough money to make it on your own, there are agencies that can and will help you. To keep you, your child from getting killed, you need to find out your rights, and act on them. If you cannot afford an attorney, therre is free help to be had. If you cannot afford the groceries and the rent, there is help there too. Under the circumstances, it may turn out to be he who leaves. So much the better. You must not go on wondering what to do anymore. I urge you to see yourself and your children to safely. Only then can you begin to mend yourself. His HP will take care of him. Got Al Anon meetings in your town? Please attend. Most concerned, Diva

Thank you all for your help and good thoughts.  I already called his parole officer and he is not in.  I am trying to reach someone else who can help me because I am mortified at the thought of him hurting someone innocent.  I am so down on my self right now b/c I know that I failed to act sooner.  I am one of those people who freeze when they are scared of change.  But I am so sick of this crap I just want him to go away.  I want to thank you all for taking the time to reply,  you are truly kind.  You have helped me and I am grateful for your gentle words. 

With love,

Browneyes

Browneye,

My husband too drinks and drives at the drop of a hat.  I tell him not to, I say it when I see he is drunk and about to go out, and then again when he is sober.  He does not listen and continues to do it.

He tries to hide his drinking and at times I do not know he is drunk when I arrive hom from work, that is until we get in the car and I smell that nasueating smell shut up in the small car AND see his erratic driving.  Sometimes he pull over and let me drive and somtimes not, sigh.  But the best thing I can do is just avoid him driving me and our daughter anywhere since chances are he will be drunk.

Now, what he does while I am at work is another matter.  I will say that I am NOT responsible for what he does.  I am NOT responsible if he hurts someone else while driving.  He is an adult, and I can't control him. I thought that was what alanon is about, us learning that we CANNOT control and are NOT responsible for the actions of another ADULT.  Why am I responsible if HE drinks and drives?  I am NOT, I am only responsible for myself.

Besides, DUI and DWI are LEGAL terms, defined by specific chemical make-up of blood at the time.  What if I "turn him in" and he is not DUI or DWI LEGALLY but his driving is still impaired?  What THEN?  I shudder to think about what he would do to me.  Turning people into the authorities is not the answer to this problem and may come back to haunt you if you are living with the raging addict.  Their rage at YOU will probably know no bounds.

I think the only answer is to get yourself out of the situation if you can no longer stand it.  You can only control YOURSELF and your actions.  Rather than try to control someone's actions through law enforcement agencies, concentrate on making good decisions for YOURSELF!!!

You can't stop him from driving while under the influence of mind altering substances, but you can stop being IN the car with him.

I suggest caution when trying to control the addict in your life through contacting law enforcement agencies trying to "get them in trouble".  Things may not turn out as you would like and then you will be in an evern worse predicament as they will probably figure out who did it.  I would not want a raging addict trying to figure out how to take revenge on me while I am STILL living with them!  Before I would ever think about contacting authorities I would run away from this sitatuation as far as I could.

Drunk drivers are not responsible for all avoidable fatalities on the road.  Eating while driving and cell phone use cause many an accident as well.  MANY people do these things as well, yet no one is in a hurry to turn them in.  Law enforcement is not the only choice to stop YOURSELF from being in a car with a drunk driver, YOU can make other choices.

In closing I would like to add that if your husband is using illegal drugs you and your children are in grave danger if he ever gets caught by the authorities.  He could try to implicate you in an effort to get a lighter sentence.  You will be questioned and your property may be seized.  Since you know about it, you really are in a VERY dangerous sitaution, you may lose your children and go to jail with him.  This is not far fetched, I know a woman whom this happened to.  She was a perfectly decent law abiding person who turned the other way to her husband's drug abuse.  She just went on with her life and caring for her son.  Her husband got caught and in a surprise move tried to turn "informant" to get a lighter sentence and implicated her.  Since she DID know about it, she failed all lie detector tests and was found guilty of complicity.  They both lost EVERYTHING, all assets were seized, being seen as ill gotten gains, even though her husband and she both worked.  They both went to jail and her son was put in foster care.  She did get a lighter sentence than her husband, and was out in five years.  She had NOTHING and had to start from scratch with a prison sentence.

If you know about a family member's drug use and continue to let them live in your home you can be charged with a crime and lose your shirt...as well as your children...think about this more than you think about turning him in...

TAKE CARE OF YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Isabela