I found out this week that my childrens father, whom I have now been divorced from for 9 years almost, in which the time we had been married was so emotionally, mentally, and physically abusive has been a cocaine dealer for many years, even when we were together.... What most upsets me about this are a few things.. Firstly, my brothers decided to tell me that they know this for a fact and that they've known it while him and I were together. Yet, all the times I felt like I was the crazy one in that relationship, they never talked to me and just acted as if my ex (husband at the time) was right and I was crazy. BUT THEY KNEW.
Secondly, one of my brothers told me that he was a big part of the fire that killed our 5 nieces and nephews in Sept 1997 because of the drugs, but wouldn't say anymore, other than he was stupid for not saying anything back then. :(
Thirdly, my daughter is in a rehab facility now for 30-45 days to deal with her recent episode she had with alcohol for the first time. This has probably been occuring now for about 8 months, in which until her Dad went to jail three months ago, it hadn't been known by me because all her "freedom" to do as she pleases occurs by her Dad's house when she would stay every other weekend. When she expressed about 8 months ago that she wanted to go by her Dad's more through the week because it is close to her friends house over there, I never suspected that she was getting into all this crap. I only pray that it was only the one episode with alcohol and nothing more... She has had a seizure disorder since 12 years old, which has been stable since she is 15, now she is going on 17 and the interaction that her seizure medication could have with other drugs or alcohol is detrimental to her health.
I had to leave my brothers house after they told me this because I just didn't know what to say or how to react... My daughter, their niece is in rehab right now and all I know is that had I had the help and support of my brothers who KNEW the relationship I was in and how it was affecting the kids, instead of making me feel crazy by isolating me while I was being abused, I could have gotten out of the relationship sooner-- perhaps not subjecting my daughter to so many years of the abuse, which has obviously affected her something terrible.
I'm not saying that I'm blaming my brothers because ultimately this was my choice, BUT, when all your self-esteem is diminished and you begin to question things when you are in an abusive relationship, which is enforced by isolation from your family as well, it makes you feel as if you are the one at fault in this abusive relationship. Just as the abuser wants you to feel.
I'm upset more for my daughter than anyone, including me--- she is suffering the affects of this and I could just puke having heard all of this today. I have this beautiful house on the lake and a greal local government job I just secured in this area, BUT my family is living all around me-- everyone I know drinks and parties and sometimes I just want to leave it all.
Well, I'm gonna focus on God this evening and give my tears to Him. :) I know he works all things for good and that everything serves a purpose so will work on my patience for His timing... I am asking for prayers for my daughter in particular-- I am so worried about her. :(
Thanks for listening.... :)
-- Edited by sanddie at 20:25, 2005-06-19
Maria123 said
Jun 19, 2005
Sandie,
Thank you for your honest, heartfelt share. I could truly feel the "sick feeling" you were feeling. When I was under duress, I get that same feeling.
In Al Anon, we say "I only knew what I only knew." Although I don't want to invalidate your feelings because I too related to your feeling crazy. Often in my life, the messenger "always" gets shot, so perhaps you would not have appreciated your brothers meddling back at that time. Remember, we are in God's time or HP's time. When the student is ready, the teacher appears.
I will pray for you and your daughter.
Maria123
sanddie said
Jun 19, 2005
I can say this.... the ONE thing about me from being a child is that anything anyone ever told me was always listened to and considered. If it hadn't been I wouldn't have analyzed myself so critically throughout most of it to come to the discovery of where my weaknesses lie and found my relationship with God and recovery.
There has been 1 person in my life that has told me how it is.... he was honest, direct, and told things at times I most certainly didn't want to hear about me becauses it hurt. However, this is the 1 person, I can say that will ALWAYS remain in my heart and by doing all he did in completely honesty, indirectly guided me to discover my relationship with God. Of course, God worked through him though and this wasn't by his own effort. :)
Thanks for your prompt response back... I'm giving it ALL to God now before I get ready to go to sleep for the evening. :)
cdb said
Jun 23, 2005
Hello Sandie,
My heart goes out to you. I have learned things about my family and my extended family recently that shocked me so much. I have to let go and let God so much lately just to keep myself sane. My one brother has disowned his entire family and we do not know. It is breaking my parents' hearts. My one cousin just recently has told relatives how his step dad continously raped him in the basement for years. Etc. ETc. All I know if all of us do the best we can with what we have at the time and it is a waste of time to keep shoulding on ourselves. I keep wanting to go back and see what I could have done differently with my daughter too. It is best for me to be in the moment today and work for alanon program along with my HP/God. Saying the serenity prayer is a must for me lately too. There are so many things in our lives we are powerless over and Step one is such a must for me in all these areas besides alcoholism. It was hard for me to hear my daughter tell things from her past at our family meeting when she was in outpatient and inpatient treatment. In fact it felt like I could have died instantly or that I had a knife in my heart when she told things. I forgave her for all at the family meeting and agreed to put it all behind us. If things still creep up I process it here or with HP/God. Our kids need us to be heathly for their recovery too. When my daughter was in her inpatient program for 2 months I worked my alanon almost everyday at this site and at f2f meetings etc. I am so glad I did that now even though it took me away from other responsibilities such as house work other friends etc. Like I said, my heart goes out to you. If I did not have my alanon support system, I do not know where I would be today. Your friend in recovery, cdb hugs&prayers
sanddie said
Jun 23, 2005
Thank you for your post...... Actually, as far as the family issues go-- I feel peace when I walk away so it is necessary for me to do that frequently. :) I haven't felt guilt about it either, especially when issues occur that disrupt that peace-- then I know it is not something I should, nor need to be involved in. :)
As far as my daughter, I continue to pray and as much as I appreciate all the people and resources that have been brought into my life by God. Typically, I'm okay with issues that occur. However, those triggers can catch a person off guard. :( Although, I'm learning to catch them immediately when they occur and bring myself to the moment and not dwell on familiar emotions from past circumstances in unhealthy relationships, I believe as an alcoholic it will be a life long coping mechanism.
I feel truly blessed to be able to walk away from the unhealthy people in my life and feel the peace of God. As long as I hold onto that feeling and focus on who is in charge, I'll be fine and remain hopeful and build my faith.
I found out this week that my childrens father, whom I have now been divorced from for 9 years almost, in which the time we had been married was so emotionally, mentally, and physically abusive has been a cocaine dealer for many years, even when we were together.... What most upsets me about this are a few things.. Firstly, my brothers decided to tell me that they know this for a fact and that they've known it while him and I were together. Yet, all the times I felt like I was the crazy one in that relationship, they never talked to me and just acted as if my ex (husband at the time) was right and I was crazy. BUT THEY KNEW.
Secondly, one of my brothers told me that he was a big part of the fire that killed our 5 nieces and nephews in Sept 1997 because of the drugs, but wouldn't say anymore, other than he was stupid for not saying anything back then. :(
Thirdly, my daughter is in a rehab facility now for 30-45 days to deal with her recent episode she had with alcohol for the first time. This has probably been occuring now for about 8 months, in which until her Dad went to jail three months ago, it hadn't been known by me because all her "freedom" to do as she pleases occurs by her Dad's house when she would stay every other weekend. When she expressed about 8 months ago that she wanted to go by her Dad's more through the week because it is close to her friends house over there, I never suspected that she was getting into all this crap. I only pray that it was only the one episode with alcohol and nothing more... She has had a seizure disorder since 12 years old, which has been stable since she is 15, now she is going on 17 and the interaction that her seizure medication could have with other drugs or alcohol is detrimental to her health.
I had to leave my brothers house after they told me this because I just didn't know what to say or how to react... My daughter, their niece is in rehab right now and all I know is that had I had the help and support of my brothers who KNEW the relationship I was in and how it was affecting the kids, instead of making me feel crazy by isolating me while I was being abused, I could have gotten out of the relationship sooner-- perhaps not subjecting my daughter to so many years of the abuse, which has obviously affected her something terrible.
I'm not saying that I'm blaming my brothers because ultimately this was my choice, BUT, when all your self-esteem is diminished and you begin to question things when you are in an abusive relationship, which is enforced by isolation from your family as well, it makes you feel as if you are the one at fault in this abusive relationship. Just as the abuser wants you to feel.
I'm upset more for my daughter than anyone, including me--- she is suffering the affects of this and I could just puke having heard all of this today. I have this beautiful house on the lake and a greal local government job I just secured in this area, BUT my family is living all around me-- everyone I know drinks and parties and sometimes I just want to leave it all.
Well, I'm gonna focus on God this evening and give my tears to Him. :) I know he works all things for good and that everything serves a purpose so will work on my patience for His timing... I am asking for prayers for my daughter in particular-- I am so worried about her. :(
Thanks for listening.... :)
-- Edited by sanddie at 20:25, 2005-06-19
Sandie,
Thank you for your honest, heartfelt share. I could truly feel the "sick feeling" you were feeling. When I was under duress, I get that same feeling.
In Al Anon, we say "I only knew what I only knew." Although I don't want to invalidate your feelings because I too related to your feeling crazy. Often in my life, the messenger "always" gets shot, so perhaps you would not have appreciated your brothers meddling back at that time. Remember, we are in God's time or HP's time. When the student is ready, the teacher appears.
I will pray for you and your daughter.
Maria123
I can say this.... the ONE thing about me from being a child is that anything anyone ever told me was always listened to and considered. If it hadn't been I wouldn't have analyzed myself so critically throughout most of it to come to the discovery of where my weaknesses lie and found my relationship with God and recovery.
There has been 1 person in my life that has told me how it is.... he was honest, direct, and told things at times I most certainly didn't want to hear about me becauses it hurt. However, this is the 1 person, I can say that will ALWAYS remain in my heart and by doing all he did in completely honesty, indirectly guided me to discover my relationship with God. Of course, God worked through him though and this wasn't by his own effort. :)
Thanks for your prompt response back... I'm giving it ALL to God now before I get ready to go to sleep for the evening. :)
Hello Sandie,
My heart goes out to you. I have learned things about my family and my extended family recently that shocked me so much. I have to let go and let God so much lately just to keep myself sane. My one brother has disowned his entire family and we do not know. It is breaking my parents' hearts. My one cousin just recently has told relatives how his step dad continously raped him in the basement for years. Etc. ETc. All I know if all of us do the best we can with what we have at the time and it is a waste of time to keep shoulding on ourselves. I keep wanting to go back and see what I could have done differently with my daughter too. It is best for me to be in the moment today and work for alanon program along with my HP/God. Saying the serenity prayer is a must for me lately too. There are so many things in our lives we are powerless over and Step one is such a must for me in all these areas besides alcoholism. It was hard for me to hear my daughter tell things from her past at our family meeting when she was in outpatient and inpatient treatment. In fact it felt like I could have died instantly or that I had a knife in my heart when she told things. I forgave her for all at the family meeting and agreed to put it all behind us. If things still creep up I process it here or with HP/God. Our kids need us to be heathly for their recovery too. When my daughter was in her inpatient program for 2 months I worked my alanon almost everyday at this site and at f2f meetings etc. I am so glad I did that now even though it took me away from other responsibilities such as house work other friends etc. Like I said, my heart goes out to you. If I did not have my alanon support system, I do not know where I would be today. Your friend in recovery, cdb hugs&prayers
Thank you for your post...... Actually, as far as the family issues go-- I feel peace when I walk away so it is necessary for me to do that frequently. :) I haven't felt guilt about it either, especially when issues occur that disrupt that peace-- then I know it is not something I should, nor need to be involved in. :)
As far as my daughter, I continue to pray and as much as I appreciate all the people and resources that have been brought into my life by God. Typically, I'm okay with issues that occur. However, those triggers can catch a person off guard. :( Although, I'm learning to catch them immediately when they occur and bring myself to the moment and not dwell on familiar emotions from past circumstances in unhealthy relationships, I believe as an alcoholic it will be a life long coping mechanism.
I feel truly blessed to be able to walk away from the unhealthy people in my life and feel the peace of God. As long as I hold onto that feeling and focus on who is in charge, I'll be fine and remain hopeful and build my faith.
My prayers for you and your family....
Take Care!