Hello everyone. I'm new here but am old time relapsing co-dependent and should probably do an intro post but I've got a pressing issue I really need some feedback on. On May 1st, I made the HUGE!!! mistake of letting my active A bf come live with me. I thought I was helping him save money so he could do the things he said he wanted to do to get his life back on track, to do the things he needed to do. He's been out of work since late '99 due to a back injury. He had spinal fusion done 2.5 years ago and is now in school for IT because he can't go back to physical labor. He needs major $$ repairs on his truck, he needs to buy "professional" work clothes, get an internship yadda yadda. Worker's Comp is barely enough to cover basic living expenses. For almost 5 years, Mom and Dad have lovingly support his drinking habit and payany other expenses as needed. I didn't express to him what my expectations were. He had said living here would be good because he could do the things he needed to do, so I figured we were in agreement. Silly me. Of course he's done nothing productive, aside from going to school, since he's been here. It's highly unlikely that he will find an IT job without experience (internship) - I know because I have the same degree and no experience. 3 years out of school and I'm no longer even a viable internship candidate! He knows the situation. He knows he needs to do an internship. The school as been on him for 6 months to get out there and get an internship. It's not like he doesn't have the time, he's not working and goes to school nights. OK fine he's an A who has no desire to quit drinking or live life or deal with reality. My bad. Living with him has shown me that this is not the type of relationship I want. When he's not in class he's either out drinking, or doing his other addiction, an online game that he plays daily, often for 12 hours+ at a time. We don't have a relationship. "We" will never have a "life." We will sit in this house and wither away into nothingness together. I'm almost 40 and am too old for this crap, I want to start living life. Yeah, I can certainly live life without him but I also want a real, satisfying relationship as well. What I have is a roommate who when I asked ONCE (literally!) for him to spend some time with after I'd been away on vacation for a week - give me 10 mins, 20 minutes hey maybe a full 1/2 hour me got angry at me. He told me I was insatiable. "If I go out drinking you get mad, if I play the game you get mad. I can't win." I wasn't mad, I was hurt, and told him so. When I pointed out to him that I'd been gone for a week and we'd only spent about 30 minutes together since I'd been back, he claimed that whenever he tries to spend time with me (lol he never does) I'm not happy - I breathe too heavy, I sigh too much, I'm never happy with him - this is all according to him. It's not true. I enjoy his company. I like him. He hates himself. He has to justify why he can't be with me by blaming my unacceptable behavior. This is just the most recent example. Everything that isn't right in this relationship, according to him, is because of something I do that he either doesn't approve of or that makes him uncomfortable. I can't tell you how many times I've heard this man say "I'm sorry....BUT." "But" is always something I've done to cause the problem or deserved to be treated badly. This isn't what I want. I don't want this relationship and I don't want him here with me. I did what so many do, I fell in love with his potential. Yes, I do love him, warts and all as they say, but I anything but love what this relationship has become. This isn't "it" for me. Here's my issue - him having to go through the hassle of moving out will be just another excuse for him to drink more, justify his disease, and maybe fail his last semester of school. My ending this and therefore requiring him to take care of himself or go live with mom and be miserable will be just more "proof" that the whole world is "out to get him". I did this 'bad' to him. I said he could live here and then changed my mind in less than 2 months. I DO feel guilty about that. I know that this is just the justification he needs to continue to mess up his life. I don't want to give it to him, but I'm certainly not helping him by letting him stay here and putting up with this emotional abuse while he does nothing to move his life forward because he doesn't have to. He will be getting a rather large settlement for his injury. Given that to date he's made no effort to find a job or an internship and he graduates in August, I'm doing the bad thing and expecting that he will simply live off the settlement money until it's gone and then he'll back to being financially dependent on others even more than he is now. I have NO desire to sit here and watch that all the while simply existing in an unfullfilling, emotionally abusive "relationship", with a man who will only leave the house to go to the bar. Is there something I can say to him to make him understand what this is about? It's not about his addictions - it's about the personality defects that make him impossible to relate to and communicate with. It's about me wanting a relationship with him. It's about what he doesn't have to offer insatiable me. My fear is that by asking him to leave, I am actually furthering enabling him. I feel like there is no "right" thing to do in this situation. I'm also afraid that I'm going to cave to my fear of being alone, and my love of "potential". I'm no better at living in the real world than he is!! Someone please slap some sense into me!!!

Hi scorpiosunmoon

 

Welcome to Miracles in Progress.

have you attnded any of our online meetings? They are a good source of comfort.

Also face to face alanon meetings are good.

One thing I learned early on is that I expect love and companionship from my alcoholic husband it is like going to the hardware store for a agllon of milk, it ain't gonna happen.

I am in IT. My brother went to an IT school and did an internship at a company that here 7 years later he is a manager at. Their are IT possibilities. My other brother got his MCSE and then found a job after 3 months, not great job but in the field and he has grown in his job too.This information is for you.

You cannot change what your boyfriend is doing you can only change yourself

Keep coming back

Hi Scorpio, welcome to MIP/Al-Anon. 

Let me begin by suggesting to you that you find a local Al-Anon group that you can attend.  You will find much understanding and love there.

As to whether or not you asking him to leave is enabling him further, I have to tell you positively not.  I understand what you mean, that this might cause him to drink more, but this is just not true.  His drinking is his issue, not yours.  You do not cause him to drink, you can't control his drinking and you can't cure his drinking.  If he is to get control of his life, it will have to be his choice.  We are powerless to control their drinking.

I believe that you need to focus on yourself.  Whether or not you want to continue a relationship with this person, you need to start to take care of yourself and put yourself first.  I understand the codependency problem....I lived it for a long time...it has only been through working this program with help of my HP and the members of Al-Anon, that I have come to realize that I cannot be dependent on anyone else for my happiness.  And that until I can become truly able to know myself and understand my own wants, needs and desires can I be in a meaningful relationship with another person.

I hope this helps you some, and understand it is all only my opinion, take what you like and leave the rest.

I do hope that you will try to find a local meeting and also try coming to our online meetings in the "alanon meeting room" on this website.  We meet twice a day once in the morning and once in the evening.  Try going into the chat room anytime to talk with folks.  They can also let you know about meeting times.

Thanks for posting here, and again welcome!!!  Glad you found us! 

Yours in recovery,

David62

I have to agree, it is not enabling for you to place your own real unhappiness against the possiblilty that he will use your actions as an excuse to drink. The reality is, he will use anything as an excuse to drink, good or bad. He needs to blame someone for his actions. Fine. Just because he puts the blame out there does not mean that you have to pick it up. You didn't cause it, you can't cure it, you can't control it.

Hi Scorpio and welcome,

The easier you try and make things for an alcoholic, they will still want you to make it even easier. You could do everything possible for them until they have no responsibility and they will still expect you to do more.

As far as putting him oout making it difficult for him to complete school, it would be a excuse. His drinking is his responsibilty as is his passing or failing school. If you allow it to become yours, he will make it yours. They do not need an excuse to drink the sun coming up each day is good enough and if it didn't well hey that will work as an excuse as well. Guilt is their favorite and most effective ploy. You are insatiable, or you are too independant or needy or selfish or demanding or anything else and if you do everything perfectly or too well, it becomes well you think you are a Saint. If you accept the guilt they will keep it coming in droves.

It isn't you, you are not to blame, he is, and his disease. If you choose to put him out or let him stay, he will still drink, and still rationalize it. You have to do what is right for you, and worry about your consequences, not his, (easier said than done, I will let you know if I ever get the hang of it).

Take care.

                Love jeannie

Thank you all for your very helpful words - they've given me some very much needed strength. He hasn't been here, (aside to run in and pick up clothes) since our argument Saturday afternoon. He left to go to his parents while I was in the shower - didn't say goodbye or anything. A few hours later I left a message on his saying that we needed to talk but that if he was out drinking that he shouldn't come home and that he should also start looking for a new place to live. I actually didn't call him to say that - it just kinda popped out of my mouth. I meant only to say that we needed to talk and then it occured to me that he was probably out drinking and I wasn't about to get into it with a drunk person. As soon as I said "find a new place to live" it I regretted it. Now as I'm typing this, I'm wondering if he took that to mean don't come back here at all? Certainly sounds that way to me now!! Yikes - that's not what I meant either. I just meant for him not to come home drunk so that we would get into a screaming match Saturday night. He could have stayed at his drinking buddy's place no problem. The find a new place thing was related to my realization that this just isn't gonna work - not this way -and that's what we needed to talk about. Anyway, I left another message on his cell last night apologizing. I felt I was way out of line and to just say those things without talking to him first was out of line on my part. Certainly not fair to just say I didn't want him here without at least explaining why first. Soooo, I wrote him a letter which he took with him when he stopped by. I tried to illustrate behaviors that were indicative of the disease - i.e. expecting others to do for him when he couldn't do for himself due to the drinking, and then getting mad at them when they didn't drop everything to save him- the sense of entitlement stuff. Or the blaming the system for his DUI - they really just wanted his money. These were all things I never mentioned to him before because they didn't effect me so I figured live and let live? I also pointed out my issues and how they are making things difficult for us - tried not to make him out to be the only bad guy because he certainly isn't. I told him that I'd be willing to work this out if we both sought treatment and he stopped drinking. If not then we are done. Don't worry - I don't hold ANY hope that he's gonna jump for joy at the idea of not drinking. I don't really even think that's an option for him at this point. I told him I'd give him a week to think on it. Barring that he'd have to be out by Aug 1 but suggested that that would be stressful for us both and maybe he could stay with his friend, leaving whatever he needed to here in the meantime. Then last night I started missing him and almost called him and told him I wanted him to come home and that he didn't have to quit drinking but that we really needed to work on our communication issues and he would need to make efforts to move forward. Blah. I still kinda feel that way but I dunno. I'm seeing that he's been trying to control his drinking and resents me for it. That's what happened Saturday - I can see it now, didn't then. ugh so now I gotta call him and clarify that I didn't mean don't ever come back here again. No wonder he ran in and out of here avoiding me huh?

Hi,

I found this whole situation very confusing...

You say you want to help him, yet you were very critical of his parents helping him.

Yet...how is what you are doing any different than what his parents were doing?  You say they let him live with them and financed his drinking and such.  Well, isn't that what YOU are doing?  Letting him live with you so that he has all of workmans comp money to spend on DRINKING rather than rent or utilities in his own place?

I know lots of lazy good for nothing men who move out of their parents home to move in with a girlfriend since it is "sexier" than living with mommy and daddy.  The behavior does not change, and it is just the girlfriend enabling rather than the parents, it is still enabling behavior.

Is this what you really want for yourself?  A lazy addict who cares nothing about anything else than conning people to support him so he can use his meager government money to drink? 

I also don't understand being "in love with his potential".  What potential?  The potential to con people?  The potential to drink?  I don't understand what you mean by this.  It sounds more like you have given this man a psychological make-over in your mind, and has nothing really to do with him at all.  You cannot foretell the future and chances are high, since he has been so successful in conning people up to this point, that he will never be a productive member of society.  His injury is just one more strike against his every being productive.  Now he has an "excuse" to try and con people.  This only further cements his already unbecoming tendency to con the people in his life into supporting him.

I hope you wake up and think about yourself and what you want and deserve out of life.  Do you really want a dependent "patient" in your life who on top of all of this is an addict?  The fact that he is not even grateful to you and does not show any appreciation is even more shocking.  Just what do YOU get out of any of this?

His parents perhaps feel somewhat obligated to help him, what is YOUR motivation to do the same thing his parents were doing?

You don't have to answer any of these questions of course.  Just things for YOU to think about.  I have been in your shoes, believe it or not, and it was a long road to think like this, but I am glad I finally did!

Isabela

 

Hi Isabella, I'm sorry to have confused you. I didn't mean to sound critical of his parents (mom really). No, I'm not doing anything even remotely like what his mom is doing. LOL she's still doing it, he doesn't need me for that! I didn't feel that the details were relevant to what I was feeling - which was simply guilt about putting him out without fair warning and fear that I would be hurting more than helping by doing so. He's never lived at home. He's always lived alone or with a roommate. His mom does things like pay medical expenses (no medicaid he doesn't qualify and comp only covers injury related medical), buys him clothes, extra food (which now comes here lol boy oh boy), stuff like that. Comp checks (which is insurance money not state money btw- he was hurt on the job) go to her house. Shortly after he got hurt, he had been between apartments for a few weeks staying with a friend. His gf was sleeping with another of his friends and so he left her. He didn't have a permanent address to give to the insurance co., so he gave them mom's. Ever since then that's how it's been. She gets his comp check. Bills either get mailed or dropped off to her house and she sends out payments. There's an envelope with "his" money in it - which she certainly has to be padding given that he almost always had money to go spend in the bar after the bills were paid. It would be better if she would stop covering the extras (food or clothes he doesn't need the man has more clothes than me and my 2 kids combined) and giving him extra money to spend in the bar. He would get a nice dose of reality if nothing else. He's never had to do the math - its either been whatever woman he lived with and now his mom. His mom refuses to accept that he's an A, even after he told her so, and she knows he drinks the extra money and then chastises him for doing it! He can't even charge things he needs, parts for the truck etc. She sees the bill. She gets angry at him for not asking her for the money. He can't do for himself what he needs to do without becoming the bad guy in her eyes. He gets sick, he won't see a Dr. because he can't afford to pay cash (yeah because he drinks the extra money she pads the envelope with) He had a chronic sinus infection for 6 months before he finally broke down and went. He doesn't want her help (unless its $$ to go to the bar obviously). That's his disease. I try to keep myself seperate from that - even when it's listening to the oh woe is me and I feel like crap can't I get a break for 6 months because he'd rather spend $80 in the bar a few nights a week. His choice. No, I never even bothered to point this out to him. He never asks her to do these things. He has never been happy with this setup but his mom wants to do these things. She knows better than him - she's a bookkeeper after all. He has arguments with his father. "You have to take this - you know how she is." I've witnessed this. I'm not as gullible you may think. If mom sees a need for something, or thinks he should have something, whether he wants it or not, she just gives. He never asks. Never even has to con. If he says no, and he's tried, hurt, anger and tears ensue. I don't blame her for wanting to help him. He's hurt, and legitimately can't work. He is NOT in anyway happy about the situation. He was in prime physical condition and made a good living prior to his injury. The injury took alot out of him emotionally, mentally and obviously physically. He very much appreciates his parents and all that they do BUT he has never liked be taken care of as if he were an incompetent child. Her help is in a way hurting him and he knows it. It makes him feel badly. Not that he doesn't have an irrational sense of entitlement. He absolutely does. How could he have anything but? I suspect that if his mom wasn't doing all of this, yes he would expect it because all of his life he's had things handed to him by her. This is the norm for him. He needs $1200+ worth of repairs on his truck, brakes and transmission. He needs to buy professional clothes to interview/work in. She's recently started buying him these because he wen't out and charged some he needed for an in-class mock interview. No, he doesn't even get to choose what he wears. He needs major dental work, no insurance. Comp simply did not cover those expenses - him drinking or not. There is no money to save up for these expenses - drinking or not. There is no extra. Nadda. He can't work even part time - any money he makes would then be deducted from comp, and if he worked the comp might stop entirely. He needed what little medical coverage he could get from comp - therapy, potentially more surgery etc. He can't get ahead without the degree because he can't do physical labor anymore and has no other skills. He needs the degree....what he's been working towards at least. So, to do the things he needs to do to move forward, he would have to get the money from his parents. He did NOT want to ask for it. He never asked for it. He wants very much to do for himself. She often will not let him. I EXPECT him to. Silly me. His truck would have been undriveable and then they would hand him the money. By that point he would have no choice but to take it or quit school, or rely on me or a drunk" friend" because he would have no way to get there. Thankfully, that's not where he wanted to be. I live 1 mile from his school. He lived 15. I need repairs on this house - stuff he can do that will cost me money I don't have to have someone come do. We'd both be saving money. I'm starting a business. I could use some help with that - he could answer calls while I'm out. By him not having rent/utililties I figured he would be able to spend the money on clothes, vehicle repairs - the stuff he absolutely needed to move forward. Things he wanted and seemed ready, willing and very much wanting to do. Things he couldn't afford do - drinking or not. So, I went into this with my eyes half open anyway. I never expected him to stop drinking. I lived with an A for 14 years. He was drunk every day for the last 5 years we were together. His net worth was over 6M when we split. Highly functional alcoholic. No, I didn't get any of that money - we weren't married, I got the kids and 30k in bills lol so bf is NOT after my money, I ain't got any! He can have some of the debt if he wants it though - lol he's gonna be rich soon ;) So I guess I figured this one might be a functional A too? He was before his injury. He's been going to school - top of his class despite the drinking. Smart guy. I figured with all I've learned in this program since the split with my ex in '99 that I might actually possibly LIKE living with an A this time around. uhm NOPE :) I figured he'd do the things he said he wanted and needed to do to move his life forward. My ex did. That's been MY experience with this disease. I figured I'd have a companion. Doh!! We pretty much only saw each other weekends prior to him moving in. Guess he kinda wants to keep it that way eh? ;) My thinking now is that he doesn't have to move forward because he's getting the settlement money. He can live in his addictions for another 2 years or so. He was moving forward until he found out about the money. Then it just stopped he and he started drinking and gaming non-stop. This didn't become an issue until after he moved in. Lawyer called and told him the insurance company wanted to do a lump sum payment and cover any medical expenses related to the injury for lifetime rather than pay out weekly. He kinda had to take it. He needs the medical coverage for the pre-existing condition. Had either of us known about the insurance money prior, he wouldn't be here. We both like our space, we both would actually would rather have lived apart. We were happy with the status quo. He had to move. The house he was living in was going on the market and he had a month to save up for the security deposit etc (barring getting the money from mom which he didn't want to do) and find a place he could afford - hard to do in a month, rent isn't cheap in these parts. No it's not a con, I know for a fact that was the situation. This just seemed like a decent option for both of us at the time. A try it and see how it goes sorta thing. Potential? Well, he's kind, compassionate, funny, intelligent. We get along. I enjoy his company. We used to be able to talk about anything and everything or nothing for hours on end - ok well just on weekends ;) We both want the same things in life. He's just not ready to go get them. I thought he was. My bad. So, my original post, basically I was just confused. I will not tolerate the treatment he dealt out to me on Saturday (I'd not experienced it to that extreme to date) and I obviously do not have the tools I need to live happily with it given my reaction. I know that for as long as he's not moving forward and feeling guilty about it, he's going to continue to lash out at me. Not what I want. The grown up lifestyle isn't fun for him and it's my fault. I wanted to ask him to leave asap. He could stay with his parents or his heavily drinking buddy while he found his own place. Neither of which are "healthy" options for him. Not that here is either come to find. I felt guilty about not wanting or even being able to live with this and I felt guilty for wanting to ask him to leave without fair warning. That's all. I still may let him stay until Aug 1, if he can't find a place sooner. Haven't decided on that for sure though. I don't feel its right to say you have a home, and then say uhm no ya don't. Repeat of our last argument and I'll carry his stuff outta here myself ;) Doesn't matter.....he hasn't been back and isn't returning my calls so...just gonna let God take it from here on out.