hi all,

Well, my husband now has about 7 months of sobriety, and he is starting to act out the dry drunk stages.  Some more angry then others, and all though i know what to do with myself during these times.....I was wondering what exactly is going on inside him that makes alcoholics act out in dry drunk stages?  Is there anything that really helps that I might not be doing? ANY Experience Stenght or Hope would be appriciate greatly.

love you all tons and tons and even more truckloads on top of that,

Trina

Trina,

While we sit in Alanon meetings next door at the AA meetings they read that alcoholism is an insidious and cunning disease. I think this is true even when they aren't drinking. My dry drunk hasn't drank in years although he has picked up other addictions. I tell you some days it seems just like when he was drinking. I like to think of them as having arrested development. Their emotions and interpersonal skills are frozen in time. My husband has only 2 speeds - all out or nothing at all.

Even though it is difficult to do, you have to set strong boundaries and realize that it is not about you. You didn't cause, can't control it, and can't cure it. Really nothing we do or don't do changes the way they will act. Hope this helps.

In support,

Nancy

 

Hi Trina,

Thanks for posting.  Here are my thoughts in reponse to your post.  Again, they're just my thoughts, but they do help me to clarify a lot in my mind.

To me, sobriety isn't about not drinking, though that's the first step.  Sobriety is about clear thinking and healthy living.  It's about taking care of yourself mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually.  Addictions of any sort occur when any of the above are out of sync.  Addictions are a way of coping with life when you don't know how to otherwise.  Working a strong program of recovery, whether it's AA, Alanon, counseling, etc., helps to establish a balance in the above 4 areas.

So, to me, a dry drunk is a person who may have stopped drinking (or doing drugs) but doesn't have a clue how to take care of him/herself in the other areas.  It's a person who continues with the same unhealthy behavior and attitudes, even though the drinking has been stopped.

As with the actual drinking itself, you have no control over whether or not someone else truly seeks recovery.  Keep coming back to Alanon.  This is our recovery program that helps us take care of ourselves mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. 

Peace,

Jane

 Hello Trina,

I think socalmom is dead on. My husband (my A) tells me we are both still learning how to live. He in the last few years has experienced a lot of anger, anxiety, and depression. At first we couldn't figure out why. Then it hit us. These are feeling he has had all his life. It's just in the past when he started feeling any of these thing he drank to make them go away. Now that he doesn't drink or smoke or get high, he has to learn why he feels what he does and how to work through these feelings. That's where the steps four to tweleve come in. Sometimes I have found it hard to step back and let my husband work his own program. After all, I have been "fixing" things for him for a long time. Last year he went on a six month rant about the Lords Prayer in AA. Everyone around him had had enough! But we left him alone with it, listened to him go on and on, over and over, and he eventually worked it out just the way he needed too. This will not be the last issue he will need to put right in his mind I'm sure. When the next one comes along, I will be as patient as I can manage and hope that this is growth on both our parts.

Hope this helps,

Agatha

wow I really liked socalmom's reply too.  My A does act out terribly when he is sober.  The part that I'm wondering right now is this, he's in jail and is behaving WELL.  So he  actually copes sometimes?  I am worried too that he might become comfortable in jail.  IT's hard to imagine, but I have heard of that.  ....hmmmm  Mamasan

I learned the hard way after much trauma, once the acting out starts, leave the room or the house. If no one is there to receive it, the behavior just stops. Do this repeatedly and after a time the A gets the message that you are just not interested in that behavior. Good luck.

hi ...

early sobriety is very tough.

and 7 months is very early sobriety.  too much emotion.  no idea how to handle it all. 

as long as he continues going to meetings, he will work through it all eventually.  let him feel the feelings.  he hasn't had to feel in a real long time. 

as for you...........get to LOTS of meetings lol

been there.......about 4 and 1/2 years ago.  soooooooooooo much better now.

the roller coaster ride smoothes out eventually.  give it time.

jo

Hey u, Hugs! I'm into nutrition - plenty of fresh fruits - veggies - minimalize the caffiene intaka and to let go - let god/dess in. And I'm so glad 4 u! Oceans of love, \/\/ille

Trina,

I don't have ESH but one thing I have heard which makes a lot of sense to me.  Binge - Because I'm Not Good Enough (on the inside) typically applied to binge drinkers, but I feel could be applied to binge anger, binge resentments, etc. etc.

Love ya ((((hon))) you are da bomb!!!!

Maria123

Trina,

I have had the oppertunity to listen to many AA speaker and I have one very close AA friend with 29 yrs sobriety.

What most of them say about this is that they were still so out of control and lost and it did not end until they "got it" and actually started really really working their program. The brick wall is still up and real sobriety and clearer understanding is still on the other side of that wall out of reach.

2 of these speakers both mentioned that once they broke through and got their Sh!t together that the wall did come down and has not gone up again.  Hope!!

Also they mentioned that it is normal to go through the Dry Drunk stage and the one woman from vergina beach (has tapes) was really good to listen to.

I am not sure if you listen to the speaker tapes but I know that they really do help me.  There is one but I can't remember the name just on this subject that was really great at explaining everything.  I will pray for you and your hubby.

Love in recovery JJ

You guys are all so awesome, sure love and appriciate you all.  All i have to do is ask a question and look at all this e,s&h!!!!  All of your responses are really, really helping me to be able to be more compassionate and understanding, and most importantly, know why i have to back up a bit sometimes!!  I had the chance to speak with an aa member about this subject, and that really helped a lot as well, was really nice to get some info from an insider who knew exactly what my husband is feeling, and more so some explaination as to what is happening to him during those times.   

thanks again guys, god loves ya, i love ya and there aint a darn thing you can do about it

trina

My hubby has only been sober for a month and a half and I feel he is acting out the same way( dry drunk). I liked the responses you were given, several hit home to me too, the binge drinker analogy, as that was what my hubby did and that they can't handle their emotions in early sobreity. I never thought about that and that could be the reason for his irritability and taking things out on me. Maybe I just hoped drinking gone, attitude gone too. God bless you and the best for you and family.

Trina,

  Thank you so very much for bringing up a topic I can really relate to- my addict has been sober in AA about 18 years now.  He got sober about six months before we met, so I have no experience in dealing with an active drinker.  But plenty with a "dry drunk".  To add to this mix he adopted multiple addictions, the most dangerous one being a sex addiction, which he is also in recovery from thankfully. Once I started coming to this site after going to Alanon meetings off and on for about 10 years I really got the power of the program.  I think I am more of a written word person, because I have learned so much about behaviors and boundaries and working one's own program here.  Not to say I am perfect, no one is.  But I am getting so much more understanding of the whole picture and working it at my own pace.  My addict really likes telling me how to do my program on occasion and now I am able to call him on it.  I am getting stronger as a person over time thanks to bits and pieces I take from the 12 step programs.

   Dana 

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((trina)))))))))))))))))))))))) I dont know much about it myself my MIL is a 27 yr dry drunk but your hubby is still in his early sobriety, His mind will gain spiritual gowth in time and he may come to realize that the behaviors need to be let go of as well as the drink did, He also is learning and gaining knowledge ODAT as we are and how wonderful he is trying to do his program, and maybe he just needs a little time to get things all put back together, my prayers are with you hun and your hubby and boys just love and support and lend a ear if he needs you, and take care of trina first and far most, no program is easy, I know that it must be hard for them as well as us, drinking was a important assest a medication many thought was in need, and now having to recoop without may take some more time, Prayers are with you tc all my love, cloud