Hi,

Well last night came and went and he did not go into detox. He called them on Monday and said they did not get back to him. He said if the detox wanted him badly enough they would have kept after him. He says they are supposed to reach out to him, so it is their fault and says he will not call them again.

Saturday he went to a walk in DR to get a note for work as he had called out several times. He told them his Mother said he has Lyme disease. The Dr ran a blood test and called yesterday afternoon. As he was not here, she asked to speak to me. When I told her I would give her a number to reach him, she said she was leaving for the day and wanted to either see or talk to him the next day. She also said she would fax a copy of the blood work with a note to his family Dr. She then told me it was imperative that he contact her. She said the Lyme test was negative but his bloodwork showed Liver enzymes that where elevated "through the roof"(her words). She told me this was extremely seriouse and more tests needed to be run as they had to find the cause. She said could be several reasons, but she said my husband had told her he does not drink alcohol. I told her my husband had lied to her that he is an alcoholic, and she said okay that explains things, but he needs to speak to her still, as apparently there is a problem with his liver. She read me the symproms of (alcoholic hepatitis) and (alcohol liver disorder) she said both of these are possible as my husbands complaints are symptoms of both.

I tried talking to him on the phone, but he was rude and childish and yes drinking. So I rode over there to tell him what the Dr had said and his parents as well. Needless to say it did not go well. His Mother was carrying on that I have been rude to her and that the Dr had no right to speak to me. (She forgets I am his Wife) He basically said so what. Him and his parents insisted it was no big deal and that the Dr was exagerating. I ended up on an argument with his parents that they insist they are tired of being blamed for just being "good parents" to theri child. I argued that he is a forty year old man and not a child. I got a lot off my chest, I was crying and told them that there was no excuse for the hell they have put the kids and I through. That their constant picking him up and making excuses for him, condoning horrible actions and their general interference in our live was criminal.

His Mother was insisting that they believed I was crazy and need help and of course "anger management." That they had a problem with me always believing that my children and I are more important than them was getting old.

I did clear the air, I told them exactly what I think of them, what the kids think of them, what the counselor thinks of them and every other sane rational person we know thinks of them. I know it did no good, but I did get it off my chest.

As for my husband their is nothing more I can do. He has made his choices. Now I have to do what is right. I have given him every opportunity and he refuses to stop. He is choosing to remain sick and live in the toxic world of his horrible parents. He is walking away fom the kids and me. When my stomach stops hurting and my head stops spinning I will have to seek legal advice. I cannot and will not have him with his parents drinking himsef to death and around my children. They would be better off without him.

The counselor had told me that he can testify in court that my husband is an actively drinking alcoholic, is unstable and is a danger to himself and his children. That should take care of any visitation.

Right now I am numb. I kept hope alive for so long, and truly believed that in the long run his love for the kids and I would win out. Well it wasn't enough. His love for drinking and his twisted parents is I guess stronger.

I can't even begin to say what I feel, hate, rage, complete disgust and most of all hurt, like I couldn't imagine. I just want to crawl into a shell and keep crying. I am trying to get it all out while the kids are at school and before my family gets here. This is the kids weekend and I have to pt on a smile and get through it for them, they deserve that much.

I have never felt so defeated, scared and helpless in my life and I have no idea where to go from here.  There is truly no hope left. There is truly nothing left I or anyone else can do.

I know the kids and I will be okay, but right now it doesn't feel like it. Right now it just feels like h%ll.

I'm sorry I wrote so much, I guess I'm venting.

Love you all.

                          Jeannie

 

Dear Jeannie,

I feel such empathy for you, and I can understand the pain is terrible for you right now!! The pain will come to pass, and the HP has a plan for you. 

It sounds to me as if you husband's parents are as sick as he is right now.  They all seem to be in denial as to their son's condition, and they need to find a scapegoat.  Try not to buy into what they are telling you, and stay in your own reality.  They are not available to listen to you, and you are only hurting yourself.  Let your HP help you, and the only person that you can change is yourself.  Keep the focus on yourself, and your children, it is just a good thing that their father is not in contact with them for right now.  When you say that you need to put a smile on your face eventhough you are going through hell, you do not.  I used to do that when my children were young and today, I understand that I was just hiding my hurt and emotions, and that was not good for them.  Let yourself feel what you feel, and stay in contact with yourself.  It is very important to vent your feelings, and not with you in-laws since they are not available.  Keep on posting, and post as much as you feel to do so, because it will be helpful for you.  I will keep you, and your children in my prayers, and think of what you can do for yourself today?  Let it begin by you!! Trust in your HP, and take your life one minute at a time.

Love & Hugs,

Linda

Jeannie:

There is ALWAYS hope...  :)  (((((((((((Jeannie))))))))))))   However, the hope you need to concentrate on is the hope for yourself and children.  It is obvious that this man is careless and not concerned about himself so neither should you.  I KNOW easier said than done-- I've been there in more than one relationship, but can say now being away from these unhealthy relationships that myself and children are MUCH stronger and have a strong relationship with God, who I gets us through anything.  :)  

You have an obligation to your children and most importantly to yourself... Take care of YOU because who will take care of your children if you fall apart?  You have a good, sincere heart in which people who are unhealthy like to reverse-- Why?  Because if they can control how others feel around them, then they feel as if they are in control of their own lives.  :)  

I know there is pain so deep and I know it might feel like he is your entire world, but the truth is YOU are your entire world and worthy of so much more---- Do yourself a favor, rather than give those tears to people who are so undeserving of them, give them to God (or your HP), let Him feel that pain completely, sincerely and I can guarantee He will turn your life around.  I know because it happened to me.  I stopped crying with the people who hurt me and degraded me, blamed me and cried out to God---   Often times found myself locked in my bathroom just so my children wouldn't have to see me having my moments of uncertainty and fear.   As time passed, God replaced the pain and hurt with certainty, guidance in making the right choices and decisions despite the pain because I knew that it was eventually replaced with peace.  :))))

Hang in there and always remember that EVERYTHING happens for a reason-- it is to help us grow within ourselves and strengthen our character.  We deserve to love and be loved completely and as God loves.  Most importantly, we have choices.  What I am finding is that the RIGHT choices are the most difficult choices to make....  Odd, cause you would think that making the wrong choices are the  most difficult, but when you really think about it-- isn't it always the choices that are the most difficult for us to make that end up being the right choices in the long run?  That is one thing I've recently discovered looking back at my life, my wrong and right choices, in which if I had to weigh the most painful ones it would be the right choices... However, the outcome of the right choices was peace eventually, whereas with a wrong choice, there is continued pain and never relief, continued physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual depletion....

Take Care!  :)

 

 

-- Edited by sanddie at 11:23, 2005-06-16

You dear, sweet woman! I'm so sorry you are going through this version of H*ll. You deserve so much better!! Now that 'mama' has seen what the alcohol has done to him, and is doing to him, maybe she'll send him back to you to fix!! (sarcasm)

Too bad you have to have anything to do with them, my MIL was a B (female dog), but I was lucky, I didn't have to live near her! I can't see things getting any better with that craziness in your life. Hang in there lady, I'm certainly praying for you!! I used to think the hardest times were a way of my HP making me stronger, but after a while, I used to cry, "Lord, how strong do I have to be!!??"

You are a very strong, sensible, loving woman, and by the looks of things, the only SANE adult in the bunch! Try to forget the drama (I know that would be next to impossible) but try to concentrate on you and the kids. I think he knows what he has to do, and it is up to him to do it. You have done everything you could possibly do, and you have no need to feel guilty or bad about anything!!! Take care of YOU and those wonderful kids, Love and lots of (((((HUGS))))))and prayers heading your way,TLC

Oh Jeannie,

    I am so sorry.  I will pray for you and send you as much love as I can.  You are right you will get through this and don't feel bad because you are hurting.  Change is hard and watching someone ruin their life with no regard to those around them that need them is even harder.  I worry everyday that my a will find out he is sick and then we will have to live through that.  

    Take time to grieve and love yourself and your kids.  When it comes time for legal action be good to yourself and you kids, talk to one another every step, so that nobody feelings are hurt.  It sounds like your children are very intellegent wonderful children and will get through this, they need you and you need them. 

     Please keep coming back and sharing, you are worth it.  I understand and relate to your despair but remember his hp has a plan for him, and we don't know what life will bring so do everything you can to get you and your kids through day by day.

Love You

((((((BIGGGG Hugggggs))))))))

Holly

Dear Jeannie,

My heart goes out to you.  I have long enjoyed reading your posts and replies.  You are such a warm, loving and practical woman...and hopeful.  Please don't give up hope...the hope that you and your children will have full and happy lives.  All of that is possible with the help of higher power and this program. 

I have learned in this program that alanon doesn't make all of the problems go away or even get any better.  But it does help us to know how to live through those problems.  I'm glad you got a chance to vent.  And I'm saying extra prayers for you and your family today.

With love and peace in the program,

Joan

((((((((((all of you))))))))))))))

Thank you so much for your love and support. It helps so much jsut to be here.

Right now I am not feeling very loving, just scared and hurt and yes angry.

I am not trying to hide anything from the kids, but I have two graduating this weekend. One from Middle School and one from High School. They are so excited and have so much going on this weekend. My parents and Sister are coming in for the ceremonies and I will see my Dad on Fathers Day for the first time in many years. I know I don't need to put on a happy face for any of them, but I don't want my sadness to impact their accomplishments. This is their time to shine and they deserve to enjoy it to the fullest.

They don't have Dad to be a part of it, but they do deserve 100% of Mom, at least for the weekend I will pull myslef together and get through the weekend for them, then I can concentrate on healing me.

Thanks again.

                                           Love Jeannie

Jeannie, I have been reading your posts and hoping that the counseling would help, but it appears that your husband has no concept of healing or trying. I know that you are hurting right now and I know that that hurt isn't going to just go away, but allow yourself the pride in your children this weekend. I think it will overshadow your pain, if only for a few hours. Don't hide from them, they will see right through it, but try to center your thoughts on the kids and the celebrations of their accomplishments this weekend. The hurt, anger and pain will still be there when the festivities are over. If only we could vanquish them with the wave of a magic wand!! I'm so sorry that you are forced to go through all that you have gone through in the attempt to prove to your husband that he could have a better life. But he's made his choices or he's let his parents make them for him. There's nothing more that you can do to change that relationship - you cant do it alone and you've certainly tried. The fact that they have been sabotaging your relationship since your wedding day says to me that they will NEVER stop. Best to come to terms with that, realize that your husband has made his choices and for you to take care of you. Reacquaint yourself with Jeannie, know that you are a strong woman, a good and loving mother and that you've done all you can to be the best wife your husband could have wished for. You didn't create the problems that you are now facing but you can choose how to deal with them. From what I've seen so far, you're doing a GREAT job....keep up the good work, ignore the ridiculousness that is your husband's life and family and love your children and yourself. Don't waste your time on things you cannot control. Enjoy your weekend and allow your children to see the pride (that you show us here) that you have in them. And take care of you..... ~arwyn

-- Edited by ArwynEvenstar at 14:00, 2005-06-16

I know how  hard it is to go through this pain, especially at what should be a happy time.  You may find that it helps to just live in the moment - when  you are feeling happy for your kids, or glad to be with your family, just let those good feelings come.  If you A is not there, at least you do not have to worry about him getting drunk and spoiling things!

I also want to say, although it is normal and understandable to feel anger at this time - HE does not feel that he has a choice.  If your love could have stopped his drinking - if any love could stop drinking, none of us would have to be here. All of this - his illness, the real possibility of losing you, may be what he needs to hit his bottom.  Remember, he has a Higher Power, just as you do.  At any rate, you need to take care of you.  I hope you are going to f2f meetings, and I also hope that the counsellour has some help for you.

Jeannie,

Just wanted to throw some support your way. This seems like a burden to go through this with your husband. For me, I felt the same way. My counselor said to "go towards the light". And this tells me to keep going because there is something better for me and my kids. I just know that it will be the same for you.

In support,

Nancy

 

Hi again,

I guess I should have read this post of yours first.  Hep is pretty serious.  I have a good friend down the street from me and he drank heavily for yrs.  He has diabetes from it now.  He has not drank in yrs, as about 25 yrs ago he, too  went to Detox.  I really do hope your husband can understand how badly he needs to quit.  I will pray for him and for you.  Mamasan

Hi Jeanne

As for my husband their is nothing more I can do. He has made his choices. Now I have to do what is right. I have given him every opportunity and he refuses to stop

I sure can relate. When I left my husband 6 weeks ago I felt that I had done evrything possible to get him to quit drinking and recover from alcoholism.

I also felt that my leaving might make him hit his bottom so that we could reconcile.

sadly and painfully that has not happened. I continue to live my life without him and he continues to drink.

jeanne you have tried so so hard to make your marriage work.

i give you credit and hugs and prayers for your family.

 

celebrate your children's accomplishments and enjoy..at least for a few days

Jeannie,

I have been reading your posts for some time now and was praying for a good outcome.

I'm so sorry that it has not.  You will be in my thoughts and prayers.  Please take care of yourself and your children. 

A question I wil pose to the group---is there ever a "good" outcome??   Are we crazy to hope that they will get better and do the right thing??  When love for your wife and children are not enough to stop, what is??  This is a difficult life to lead---of course we can leave---but that doesn't end the relationship when children are involved.  Watching an A choose alcohol over time with the children is so hard to do.

mom to 2

Well, it's really not about love. It's a disease. If your husband had Alzheimers. you would be sad as he drifted further and further from you, and no longer was the man you had loved, but you would not say "If he loved me enough this would not be happening". In many ways, it is the guilt that the A feels for treating those he loves so badly, that makes the disease so horrible for him. He hates what he is doing, but can't stop. Why do you think so many As commit suicide? In the end, though, a "good" outcome is one where we still have joy in life, and where our children come through it relatively unscarred. That is something we do have some control over.

((((Jeannie)))))

I am so sory that you are going through this... It really does suck!!!!!

It is too bad that neither hubby or his parents did not take the Dr's diagnosis as seriously as they shoud have.  It is painful when our loved ones egnore their health.  I always have this struggle to accept that it is the disease rather than choice. That is hard for me.  But what keeps popping to mind is that hubby and his parent will be shot out of denial so fast when he winds up in the hospital from the neglect to his body.  Then they will truely be sory for the way they have treated you.  I have come to realize that if my husband does not start to take care and find his way to sobriety that he will be in that direction much sooner than later and in his case as well it may be the only time that he will truely see that he needs to stop the insanity.  It is too bad because he is a wonderful man sober as I am sure you husband is too. 

((((Jeannie))))  I hope that come the weekend that you can let go and enjoy your childrens accomplishments as much as you want them to enjoy it!!

Take care of you girl I am thinkin good thoughts for you and your kids even hubby!!

Love in recovery

JJ

((((jeannie))))

Enjoy this weekend with your children, you are right..it's their turn to shine.  They feel the pain of this as much as you, and likely are as good at hiding it as you.  You have a long road ahead but from what I know of you, you have incredible strength...not to mention wonderful kids!

You have come to the crossroads and your life is heading in a new direction, so let your HP help you when you need it, and go forward.  You have done all you can..and then some.

take care

From the parent of one graduate to another...smile (when you can)

Bonnie

Thanks Bonnie,

Congratulations to your Graduate. I wish your son or daughter lots of luck, success and most of all happiness in all their future endeavors. Congratulations to you as well. I know how proud you must be. I know myself, I look at them in wonder, I am so proud of them, and happy for them, very emotional and a little sad to realize my babies are growing up.

I had written my son a letter the night of his first birthday. I kept it in his baby book and gave it to him on his 18th birthday. I wrote to him how I was watching him sleep, in awe, and amazement, and I could not believe that this wonderful angel was really mine. I told him that he had given me more happiness in 12 short months than I could ever have imagined, and that I loved him so much that my heart wanted to burst. I ended by telling him that I wished him love and happiness. I told him to follow his dreams, that all of the things in this wonderful world where there for him, if he chooses to take them. I told him I knew he was going to grow into a wonderful man and I would be so proud of him, and I would thank God every day for the wonderful gift of him.

I had not reread that letter in many years, and I cried when I read it, as every word 18 years later is even more true. He continues to amaze and awe me, and I still thank God for the wonderful young man I am blessed with. When I gave it to him, his eyes teared and he hugged me after he read it.

I wish all of the young men and woman going out into the worls so much. I hope they take everything the world has to offer them, and I hope they are happy and thrive.

                       Love Jeannie

Lin0606,

I've read and reread your post about the "love".  I am educated about the "disease". In some ways I feel for my husband's pain but in other ways I can't believe he's out in California partying with a bunch of strangers because he can't even drink at home anymore because everyone knows he went to rehab and he's humiliated now.  I know when people have a terminal illness it hurts families in a different way, also most people with other types of illnesses seek treatment.  My husband is not trying to get well--for himself or his family. 

Jeannie says it all with this topic "hurts so much".  It hurts so much to watch them continue to spiral downward---where is the bottom??  Other people think we are crazy to hope for them to get well.  But, at some point enough has to be enough.  It's just so sad.

mom to 2

For me, one of the hardest parts of my husband's behaviour was that I could make no sense of it. If I knew anything about human beings at all, I KNEW that he loved us. Especially his kids. But then he would do these horrible, horrible destructive things. It just didn't make any sense. The two just couldn't exist together in the same person. Therefore, I really grew to doubt my own sanity - what I was sure was reality couldn't be. There was no way to reconcile the loving father and husband, and the raging monster who would miss a child's birthday, or concert, in order to drink with people he didn't even like. You know, for years I would sometimes wonder if I was the victim of some insane con man - if he had some hidden motive for faking the whole father, husband thing. But then I'd think "Come on, for twenty years?" When I learned about alcoholism, when I found out what an alcoholic really was, for the first time I could stop doubting my OWN sanity. All of this baffling, crazy behaviour was the symptom of a disease. It put my mind to rest, to realize that the reason I could make no sense of it is because it is senseless. This is not to say that you should put up with it, that alcoholism is some sort of 'get out of jail free card'.. Just that understanding can ease some of the pain.

Dear Lin,

You just hit the nail on the head.  I'm afraid that rationalizing that these destructive behaviors are just symptoms of the disease will excuse the behavior in some way.  When there is absolutely no excuse for the behavior.  My husband had a drinking problem before, but he was a loving and functioning husband and father.  He is now jobless, across the country and has not seen his children for 2 weeks.  It's also hard to deal with this as a disease because the behaviors are so selfish.  The behaviors are so hurtful.  And he's not mean or in any way excusing his behavior and yet he persists with the behavior.

I've doubted our past recently--was he pretending to love me and the children???  I don't think so but I just don't know.  Is he now away drinking like this to get away from the family or is it truly just addiction.   I may never know.  It's great to know that we are no crazy.

mom to 2