I've been with A for 40 years, so I'll give a brief synopsis. 16 years into our marriage, I had had enough. There were no drinkers in my family, so I thought my hubby's problems were deep-seated issues from his own family history and childhood. But, I had simply had enough and took my children and left.
He called his family in another state, distraught and out of control. They called 911 in our area, the paramedics recognized his alcoholic state at once and he agreed to rehab. I was more than stunned, never saw alcohol as his problem. Didn't know anything about alcohol. Finally, the rehab center convinced me to stay through the 6 week program. If I wasn't convinced by his renewal and changed behavior, then I could leave. Reluctantly, I agreed.
Oh my goodness, he was the sweetest man I'd ever met. Since he'd been an A from a very young age, I'd never even known this sober person. He attended AA and I attended Al-anon. It was wonderful for 6 months. Because his employer went out of business, he had a job change. This included a change of friends and companions and eventually he was abusing another drug. Again we went down the sad road of addiction and bad behavior and sorrow. Anytime I objected his come-back was always....."I'm sober."
I spent another 7-8 years of my life trying to cope, handle, survive this disaster. I had 4 children and it was a disaster just to get up every morning and live through each day. Really, I was so confused. He wasn't drinking but his behavior was more than "bad behavior." It was terrifying. I think I spent 5 years of my life shaking and trembling and scared for our lives. Finally.........I left again. He had a girl friend and I learned shortly afterward, was using meth.
This separation lasted 3 years, bringing us to 25 years of marriage. I tried serving divorce papers many times, but he would duck them. I went through 3 years of therapy and was convinced that I would never find myself in such a situation again. My children were grown, except for one daughter. I was back on my feet financially, and feeling good. Finally...........he was no longer my first thought in the morning when I woke up. No longer did I try to figure out what I could have done better, how I could have changed our horrible life. What I should have said, how I should have acted.
Then the call.......he was at a corner store with all that he owned in a small cardboard box. He had no where to go, no job, no girlfriend, no home, nothing. And he was crying.
I tell you, I was devastated for him but even more devastated for myself. The same old "take care of him," kicked in so quickly that I finally agreed to give him a place to stay. Telling my therapist about it later, she said there was no way he could work. He was in withdrawals and a basket case. He stayed for a year, no job, while i worked 2 jobs. No money for alcohol or any other drug for that matter. And gradually, he was back to his old healthy self. A kind, sweet man again.
We decided to try again but this time I felt that my eyes were open. I would not put up with drug abuse or carousing. I really thought I could nip any of that stuff in the bud if it reared it's ugly head.
Not that I've written much more than anyone wants to read, I'm sure. We are at 40 years of marriage. All of our children are on their own. He began to drink on weekends and lay out all night. I kicked him out for that. That stopped. He decided he could have one beer every evening. And is not abusive with that, but of course he can't have one beer every night, that always turns into 2 or 3 or 12.
I think I finally just gave up. From our history, the odds of me every getting out of this mess just seemed to overwhelming to even consider. I'm always right back where I started. I have the same rationalizations that I've always had; he doesn't beat me, he keeps a job.
But I swear, I am so sick of the sarcasm and negative raving and moaning and groaning about his sad state of life that I can no longer handle it. He doesn't even remember our history anymore, remembers nothing of what he's done to the family.
This week I decided "enough is enough". I'm too old and too tired for the sarcasm. I don't deserve that anymore. And I want to separate so bad that I ache inside. I told him so, and was prepared to be kind about it. I just can't handle the alcohol anymore. I don't want to live with it, I don't want it in the house. If he has to have it, he has to use it someplace else. I'm done.
I could not believe the raging fight that ensued. "He is not an alcoholic. That isn't our problem. Our problem is that I don't care enough about him. I don't love him. He has a rotten job. He has to work with rotten people. I don't even try to be understanding about that. and on and on and on."
I was so shocked that I was trembling. I had no idea that he no longer felt that he was an alcoholic, something he fully admitted in rehab.
I feel so stupid that I'm right back to where I was 25 years ago! Back to all the same questions......What did I do wrong....how did this go on for so long......why didn't I leave sooner.........he's so old now to put him out on the street to fiend for himself........who would take care of him........
I'm trembling and shaking as I write this. I can remember all the pain and sorrow and heartbreak when I left all those years ago and now to have to go through that all again. It was 2 years before he hit bottom and wanted change. We are so old now, it almost seems better to just live as we are. He works, drinks his beer, and sleeps on the couch. When he's awake, which isn't so often anymore, he's sarcastic and negative and verbally abusive. But............compared to the heartbreak of separating.......
I swear......I have no idea what to do. Has anyone had to face this horrible decision at such a late stage. I'm 58 and it just seems overwhelming to me. Totally overwhelming!
I apologize for having such a long post. I will appreciate any words of wisdom. I sure need some.
sanddie said
Jun 16, 2005
Age is a state of mind.. You say your old, "58". When I was 19-27, I felt as if I were 60, yet now I'm 36 and feel like a teenager having make some choices to get out of abusive relationships over the past 10 years. I know many people who are well into their 60's, nearing 70 and yet they are so young at heart and they too have come from abusive relationships throughout their life.
What it all comes down to is this..... Stress will add many years to a person-- physically, mentally, and emotionally. You can continue to say its too late and give up, OR you can decide that you still have many years to live and you want to live them to the fullest. Have opportunities to do things you've never done.
I'd like to finish with the ending statement that I wrote in the Preface of my autobiography that I am in the process of writing. "Today is the first day of the rest of my life". There is always a chance to start over and rather looking at the negative of where you've come from, focus on the positive on where your life could still lead.
My prayers are with you... I know how devastating and draining these relationships can be and that is why I have chosen to NOT be a part of them any longer. Each of us is ONLY responsible for ourselves and not another grown adult. We can love them, pray and care for them, but that doesn't mean we have to deplete our energy or not take care of ourselves to do so and if we are not taking care of ourselves in a relationship because of our significant other keeping us in a state of mind where we should feel guilty or badly for the choices they have made, it's time to walk away and let them be held accountable to themselves for their actions.
May God offer you strength and peace as you go through this time.
Take Care!
-- Edited by sanddie at 10:34, 2005-06-16
java said
Jun 17, 2005
Sandyspen,
You are not stupid, you are just a "Woman who loves too much". There is a book by that name, but I don't necessarily think we can love too much, maybe just in the wrong way. I've been in al-anon a long time and have attended many open AA mtg, one saying that I've heard that I like is that "we're exactly where we're supposed to be". Life is a journey and one not meant to take without our HP, whom I choose to call God. I would suggest a lot of face to face (f2f) Al-anon and try to find a good long-time al-anon member who worksthe steps and lives them in her life.
I remember a Forum (al-anon publication) reading about sponsorship that I read one time, how a newcomer had chosen a sponsor who exhibited the peace that living the program to it's fullest can provide. She was shocked and amazed when she visited her home and laying in the middle of the woman's floor was her drunk, "passed out" husband. She just nonchalantly said, just step over Henry, we'll have coffee at the kitchen table.
When asked how she could be so "unconcerned" about her husbands state, she just simply stated that she loved him enough to just let him lay there. He would get up when the alcohol wore off. She had learned to detach with love. Al-anon doesn't endorse or oppose divorce, the decision is left up to the individual. You have to decide what You can live with and what you can not live with. The only exception is in the event that there's in the home, then it is advised that we remove ourselves from the dangerous situation, for protection, and take care of ourselves in that way. It still provides time for us to quiet our mind and our soul before we make a decision.
What Al-anon does teach us is that we can not change the alcoholic, addictive person, we are powerless over that. Once we believe that there is a Power greater than ourselves that we can turn the alcoholic loved one over to.....that it's not up to us anymore, we can stop playing God and let God be God......that is when WE turn the corner into recovery and we can be freed to make whatever decision we need to make about the alcoholic...whether we stay or whether we go...we are freed from the responsibility of the alcoholics choices. It is when they see that we're not reacting to them in the same old ways, having our buttons pushed into giving the same responses we've always done, that it allows them to look more clearly at themselves and decide what they want to do about their lives.
I've been where you are, and like the other post said, age is a state of mind. I won't tell you what decision I made, because it might effect your own. Listen to your heart, pray, go to as many f2f al-anon meetings as you can, and get a good seasoned sponsor.
AA has a saying 90 meetings in 90 days. There was a time that I felt like I needed to apply the same saying to myself. It was what kept me sane. I attended meetings once a day for awhile, sometimes twice a day (I have the privilage of living in a metro-area, so that was possible). I now attend as often as needed, usually once a week, or more if I'm having a particularly hard week. I talk to my sponsor (Yes, I still have one after all my years in the program- I don't plan to ever 'graduate' or feel like I've 'arrived', it's progress, not perfection, in this program.)
Take care of you. Keep coming back....it works if you work it! Use the board and the chatroom as an additional resource, not as a replacement for f2f.....you need people with "skin" on to "hug" and love you, the same way we love you here. I'm known as Overcome in chat and on-line meetings...hope to see you there, and with God's help you can Overcome all things, too, through Him.
Pray and you'll find your way!
God Bless and Good Day!
Java
holdingon said
Jun 17, 2005
I am sorry for all the years of pain and sufferring from your A. You deserve to be happy and enjoy your life without the stress the blame and the behavior. You are not responsible and although he had made changes in the past, that was the past, how much more can you endure? It is funny but my husband and I have only been married 2 1/2 years and in that time I feel as though I have aged 20 years from all the stress!!!! He has stopped drinking for a month and a half now, but that doesn't change or help me there, it does help that my stress from his behavior has been reduced. But, I have to change and make myself better, he can't do it for me. I want to be happy and I will not let his behavior cause that change in me again. I hope that you can do what is best for you. take Care please.
Sandyspen said
Jun 18, 2005
Thanks so much for all the replies and encouragement.
You know, I had forgotten so much. I remember "feeling" 60, when I was only 20.
I guess I just needed some time on the "pity pot." Sometimes it just seems so easy, if he'd get sober, I'd get well. But.........in reality, I know that isn't how it works. Way to easy to blame sometimes, I think. But it's not his job to take care of me. That's my job!
I've hit Amazon this morning for all the books I discarded many years ago. Al-anon and AA.
I can't wait to start working on myself again. With or without him, I'm right back where I started, too. Overcome with stress right now, and I think I need to re-learn how to be peaceful again.
I'm new. So Hello everyone!
I've been with A for 40 years, so I'll give a brief synopsis. 16 years into our marriage, I had had enough. There were no drinkers in my family, so I thought my hubby's problems were deep-seated issues from his own family history and childhood. But, I had simply had enough and took my children and left.
He called his family in another state, distraught and out of control. They called 911 in our area, the paramedics recognized his alcoholic state at once and he agreed to rehab. I was more than stunned, never saw alcohol as his problem. Didn't know anything about alcohol. Finally, the rehab center convinced me to stay through the 6 week program. If I wasn't convinced by his renewal and changed behavior, then I could leave. Reluctantly, I agreed.
Oh my goodness, he was the sweetest man I'd ever met. Since he'd been an A from a very young age, I'd never even known this sober person. He attended AA and I attended Al-anon. It was wonderful for 6 months. Because his employer went out of business, he had a job change. This included a change of friends and companions and eventually he was abusing another drug. Again we went down the sad road of addiction and bad behavior and sorrow. Anytime I objected his come-back was always....."I'm sober."
I spent another 7-8 years of my life trying to cope, handle, survive this disaster. I had 4 children and it was a disaster just to get up every morning and live through each day. Really, I was so confused. He wasn't drinking but his behavior was more than "bad behavior." It was terrifying. I think I spent 5 years of my life shaking and trembling and scared for our lives. Finally.........I left again. He had a girl friend and I learned shortly afterward, was using meth.
This separation lasted 3 years, bringing us to 25 years of marriage. I tried serving divorce papers many times, but he would duck them. I went through 3 years of therapy and was convinced that I would never find myself in such a situation again. My children were grown, except for one daughter. I was back on my feet financially, and feeling good. Finally...........he was no longer my first thought in the morning when I woke up. No longer did I try to figure out what I could have done better, how I could have changed our horrible life. What I should have said, how I should have acted.
Then the call.......he was at a corner store with all that he owned in a small cardboard box. He had no where to go, no job, no girlfriend, no home, nothing. And he was crying.
I tell you, I was devastated for him but even more devastated for myself. The same old "take care of him," kicked in so quickly that I finally agreed to give him a place to stay. Telling my therapist about it later, she said there was no way he could work. He was in withdrawals and a basket case. He stayed for a year, no job, while i worked 2 jobs. No money for alcohol or any other drug for that matter. And gradually, he was back to his old healthy self. A kind, sweet man again.
We decided to try again but this time I felt that my eyes were open. I would not put up with drug abuse or carousing. I really thought I could nip any of that stuff in the bud if it reared it's ugly head.
Not that I've written much more than anyone wants to read, I'm sure. We are at 40 years of marriage. All of our children are on their own. He began to drink on weekends and lay out all night. I kicked him out for that. That stopped. He decided he could have one beer every evening. And is not abusive with that, but of course he can't have one beer every night, that always turns into 2 or 3 or 12.
I think I finally just gave up. From our history, the odds of me every getting out of this mess just seemed to overwhelming to even consider. I'm always right back where I started. I have the same rationalizations that I've always had; he doesn't beat me, he keeps a job.
But I swear, I am so sick of the sarcasm and negative raving and moaning and groaning about his sad state of life that I can no longer handle it. He doesn't even remember our history anymore, remembers nothing of what he's done to the family.
This week I decided "enough is enough". I'm too old and too tired for the sarcasm. I don't deserve that anymore. And I want to separate so bad that I ache inside. I told him so, and was prepared to be kind about it. I just can't handle the alcohol anymore. I don't want to live with it, I don't want it in the house. If he has to have it, he has to use it someplace else. I'm done.
I could not believe the raging fight that ensued. "He is not an alcoholic. That isn't our problem. Our problem is that I don't care enough about him. I don't love him. He has a rotten job. He has to work with rotten people. I don't even try to be understanding about that. and on and on and on."
I was so shocked that I was trembling. I had no idea that he no longer felt that he was an alcoholic, something he fully admitted in rehab.
I feel so stupid that I'm right back to where I was 25 years ago! Back to all the same questions......What did I do wrong....how did this go on for so long......why didn't I leave sooner.........he's so old now to put him out on the street to fiend for himself........who would take care of him........
I'm trembling and shaking as I write this. I can remember all the pain and sorrow and heartbreak when I left all those years ago and now to have to go through that all again. It was 2 years before he hit bottom and wanted change. We are so old now, it almost seems better to just live as we are. He works, drinks his beer, and sleeps on the couch. When he's awake, which isn't so often anymore, he's sarcastic and negative and verbally abusive. But............compared to the heartbreak of separating.......
I swear......I have no idea what to do. Has anyone had to face this horrible decision at such a late stage. I'm 58 and it just seems overwhelming to me. Totally overwhelming!
I apologize for having such a long post. I will appreciate any words of wisdom. I sure need some.
Age is a state of mind.. You say your old, "58". When I was 19-27, I felt as if I were 60, yet now I'm 36 and feel like a teenager having make some choices to get out of abusive relationships over the past 10 years. I know many people who are well into their 60's, nearing 70 and yet they are so young at heart and they too have come from abusive relationships throughout their life.
What it all comes down to is this..... Stress will add many years to a person-- physically, mentally, and emotionally. You can continue to say its too late and give up, OR you can decide that you still have many years to live and you want to live them to the fullest. Have opportunities to do things you've never done.
I'd like to finish with the ending statement that I wrote in the Preface of my autobiography that I am in the process of writing. "Today is the first day of the rest of my life". There is always a chance to start over and rather looking at the negative of where you've come from, focus on the positive on where your life could still lead.
My prayers are with you... I know how devastating and draining these relationships can be and that is why I have chosen to NOT be a part of them any longer. Each of us is ONLY responsible for ourselves and not another grown adult. We can love them, pray and care for them, but that doesn't mean we have to deplete our energy or not take care of ourselves to do so and if we are not taking care of ourselves in a relationship because of our significant other keeping us in a state of mind where we should feel guilty or badly for the choices they have made, it's time to walk away and let them be held accountable to themselves for their actions.
May God offer you strength and peace as you go through this time.
Take Care!
-- Edited by sanddie at 10:34, 2005-06-16
Sandyspen,
You are not stupid, you are just a "Woman who loves too much". There is a book by that name, but I don't necessarily think we can love too much, maybe just in the wrong way. I've been in al-anon a long time and have attended many open AA mtg, one saying that I've heard that I like is that "we're exactly where we're supposed to be". Life is a journey and one not meant to take without our HP, whom I choose to call God. I would suggest a lot of face to face (f2f) Al-anon and try to find a good long-time al-anon member who worksthe steps and lives them in her life.
I remember a Forum (al-anon publication) reading about sponsorship that I read one time, how a newcomer had chosen a sponsor who exhibited the peace that living the program to it's fullest can provide. She was shocked and amazed when she visited her home and laying in the middle of the woman's floor was her drunk, "passed out" husband. She just nonchalantly said, just step over Henry, we'll have coffee at the kitchen table.
When asked how she could be so "unconcerned" about her husbands state, she just simply stated that she loved him enough to just let him lay there. He would get up when the alcohol wore off. She had learned to detach with love. Al-anon doesn't endorse or oppose divorce, the decision is left up to the individual. You have to decide what You can live with and what you can not live with. The only exception is in the event that there's in the home, then it is advised that we remove ourselves from the dangerous situation, for protection, and take care of ourselves in that way. It still provides time for us to quiet our mind and our soul before we make a decision.
What Al-anon does teach us is that we can not change the alcoholic, addictive person, we are powerless over that. Once we believe that there is a Power greater than ourselves that we can turn the alcoholic loved one over to.....that it's not up to us anymore, we can stop playing God and let God be God......that is when WE turn the corner into recovery and we can be freed to make whatever decision we need to make about the alcoholic...whether we stay or whether we go...we are freed from the responsibility of the alcoholics choices. It is when they see that we're not reacting to them in the same old ways, having our buttons pushed into giving the same responses we've always done, that it allows them to look more clearly at themselves and decide what they want to do about their lives.
I've been where you are, and like the other post said, age is a state of mind. I won't tell you what decision I made, because it might effect your own. Listen to your heart, pray, go to as many f2f al-anon meetings as you can, and get a good seasoned sponsor.
AA has a saying 90 meetings in 90 days. There was a time that I felt like I needed to apply the same saying to myself. It was what kept me sane. I attended meetings once a day for awhile, sometimes twice a day (I have the privilage of living in a metro-area, so that was possible). I now attend as often as needed, usually once a week, or more if I'm having a particularly hard week. I talk to my sponsor (Yes, I still have one after all my years in the program- I don't plan to ever 'graduate' or feel like I've 'arrived', it's progress, not perfection, in this program.)
Take care of you. Keep coming back....it works if you work it! Use the board and the chatroom as an additional resource, not as a replacement for f2f.....you need people with "skin" on to "hug" and love you, the same way we love you here. I'm known as Overcome in chat and on-line meetings...hope to see you there, and with God's help you can Overcome all things, too, through Him.
Pray and you'll find your way!
God Bless and Good Day!
Java
Thanks so much for all the replies and encouragement.
You know, I had forgotten so much. I remember "feeling" 60, when I was only 20.
I guess I just needed some time on the "pity pot." Sometimes it just seems so easy, if he'd get sober, I'd get well. But.........in reality, I know that isn't how it works. Way to easy to blame sometimes, I think. But it's not his job to take care of me. That's my job!
I've hit Amazon this morning for all the books I discarded many years ago. Al-anon and AA.
I can't wait to start working on myself again. With or without him, I'm right back where I started, too. Overcome with stress right now, and I think I need to re-learn how to be peaceful again.
Thanks so much for helping me to see that.
Sandy