ok, my A decided NOT to go to the bar, and somehow, I know I will be blamed for this! I will be blamed b/c I didn't tell him which bar to go to! All I said was how I would like it if he stayed close to home, and didn't drive to the bar he used to go to which is across town. We moved, so now he is further away from that bar, and he doesn't want to go to any where we live now b/c he doesn't know anyone. I don't want to be blamed for his not going out, b/c I didn't tell him which bar to go to! Does this make sense to anyone? what should I do when I get the blame for his actions? I have tried arguing, it is just not worth it b/c he doesn't see anything as his fault. thanks for listening!
Leah
honeybunnydog said
Jun 7, 2005
Don't take the blame! I did the same thing, I delibertly moved clear across town to an area wasn't a bar on every corner and he knew everyone in them. There is one close to the house and he has been there at three times since we moved three years ago, and each time I catch him there, I make sure he regrets it big time. All his bar friends are across town and he tried to blame me for him being friendless. I told him that if they were true friends how come no one calls him at home or comes over? He shut up. Just don't argue with him, just tune it out and don't allow him to make you feel bad.
Good luck!
honeybunny
Jolert said
Jun 8, 2005
Hi Leah, nice to meet you and congratulations on your baby!
Reading your posts reminded me of so many things in my life. One night my husband was home and sober we were talking about all this blame stuff, I stated simply to him that I no longer wanted to be blamed for him drinking and no longer wanted to be the reason he didn't drink. I'm not sure who it affected more him or me ... since then I have been able to look at the things that happen in our life and see that arguments, frustrations, disappointments are a normal part of life. Not only are they usually not my fault but they are things most people handle in a responsible way. My A will find an excuse to drink if he wants to, could be stress from me, his job, or the fact that Chicken Little said the sky is falling. When he does not want to I have seen him handle extrordinary amounts of stress without even thinking of drinking. Same lines ... happiness, feeling good, being proud of himself is no longer my job, we are each responsible for making ourselves live a life we feel good in. If he is miserable I did not fail, I am only to blame if I am miserable.
Just making the decision not to take the blame or applause for his decisions helped me so much, telling him dropped the choice back in his lap. And left me free to be me, good or bad. Not to say it worked miracles ... I am still critized for being happy in the mornings, having the energy to clean, working in air conditioning while he doesn't just to name a few in the last couple weeks. But now I point out these ridiculous statements ... Why should I be sad? Living in filth is depressing, and Why do you hold it against me that you are hot at work? Doesn't leave much room for arguing and the comments keep changing so maybe eventually they will run out.
thank you for the oppurtunity to share! Take care of yourself, Jenny
nycbt said
Jun 8, 2005
Thank you both for sharing. I rember when my husband drank his bar was a county away and I used to hate drinking him there because he had no license. When I go there I didn't want to be there long and I would make scenes there because I didn't like it there. The neighborhood wasn't the greatest to be driving there at all different times of the day. So when I didn't want to go he blame me for it, we would fight so bad that I would give in an take him because he drove me nuts. I drove on the road during snow storms when it was bad to be out there.
Then when he stop going to the bar he would go to the liquor store and he would also be very hard to deal with, he would blame me for drinking, or that the apt was too small anything to drink.
Becky
TLC2 said
Jun 8, 2005
Remember the 3 C's. I didn't Cause it, I can't Control it, and I can't Cure it!! Best of luck, read lots of Alanon Lit. and try to learn to detatch. That has saved my sanity sooo many times. Love, TLC
Jill said
Jun 8, 2005
Someone tries to blame me for things I have nothing to do with, but you can bet I'm going to remember Chicken Little next time just in case I started to buy into it. thanks!
ok, my A decided NOT to go to the bar, and somehow, I know I will be blamed for this! I will be blamed b/c I didn't tell him which bar to go to! All I said was how I would like it if he stayed close to home, and didn't drive to the bar he used to go to which is across town. We moved, so now he is further away from that bar, and he doesn't want to go to any where we live now b/c he doesn't know anyone. I don't want to be blamed for his not going out, b/c I didn't tell him which bar to go to! Does this make sense to anyone? what should I do when I get the blame for his actions? I have tried arguing, it is just not worth it b/c he doesn't see anything as his fault. thanks for listening!
Leah
Don't take the blame! I did the same thing, I delibertly moved clear across town to an area wasn't a bar on every corner and he knew everyone in them. There is one close to the house and he has been there at three times since we moved three years ago, and each time I catch him there, I make sure he regrets it big time. All his bar friends are across town and he tried to blame me for him being friendless. I told him that if they were true friends how come no one calls him at home or comes over? He shut up. Just don't argue with him, just tune it out and don't allow him to make you feel bad.
Good luck!
honeybunny
Hi Leah, nice to meet you and congratulations on your baby!
Reading your posts reminded me of so many things in my life. One night my husband was home and sober we were talking about all this blame stuff, I stated simply to him that I no longer wanted to be blamed for him drinking and no longer wanted to be the reason he didn't drink. I'm not sure who it affected more him or me ... since then I have been able to look at the things that happen in our life and see that arguments, frustrations, disappointments are a normal part of life. Not only are they usually not my fault but they are things most people handle in a responsible way. My A will find an excuse to drink if he wants to, could be stress from me, his job, or the fact that Chicken Little said the sky is falling. When he does not want to I have seen him handle extrordinary amounts of stress without even thinking of drinking. Same lines ... happiness, feeling good, being proud of himself is no longer my job, we are each responsible for making ourselves live a life we feel good in. If he is miserable I did not fail, I am only to blame if I am miserable.
Just making the decision not to take the blame or applause for his decisions helped me so much, telling him dropped the choice back in his lap. And left me free to be me, good or bad. Not to say it worked miracles ... I am still critized for being happy in the mornings, having the energy to clean, working in air conditioning while he doesn't just to name a few in the last couple weeks. But now I point out these ridiculous statements ... Why should I be sad? Living in filth is depressing, and Why do you hold it against me that you are hot at work? Doesn't leave much room for arguing and the comments keep changing so maybe eventually they will run out.
thank you for the oppurtunity to share! Take care of yourself, Jenny
Thank you both for sharing. I rember when my husband drank his bar was a county away and I used to hate drinking him there because he had no license. When I go there I didn't want to be there long and I would make scenes there because I didn't like it there. The neighborhood wasn't the greatest to be driving there at all different times of the day. So when I didn't want to go he blame me for it, we would fight so bad that I would give in an take him because he drove me nuts. I drove on the road during snow storms when it was bad to be out there.
Then when he stop going to the bar he would go to the liquor store and he would also be very hard to deal with, he would blame me for drinking, or that the apt was too small anything to drink.
Becky
Someone tries to blame me for things I have nothing to do with, but you can bet I'm going to remember Chicken Little next time just in case I started to buy into it. thanks!