I am disable due to MS and a below right knee amputation which I have had the last fifteen years.  I was dignosed with a severe form of MS four years ago.  I have been married to the same man for the last 13 years and togather with him for 15 years now.  He is really a wonderful person who has a good soul but he is also the most selfesh person I have ever met beside his parents.  I really love this man but the last five years have been horrible, and it has felt like a constant cycle of me chasing him, protecting him and cleaning up after him.  I have two wonderful stepchildren I have raised since 3 & 5years old, and they are the best thing out of this marriage besides the 8year old son we have togather.  But since last Jan 04 when he wreck his car, hit two other people, and then three weeks later got another DUI in my car it has been a terrible time.  I drive him to work then a job he had for 23years, then lost it due no Driver license, took him five months to find a job with a lot of pushing from me, and it does not cover much at all.  Basically we live on my dissability benefits and the kids.  I have suggested he go to school to get a better job, but it goes in one ear and out the other, and he went to a rehab clinic for 30 days, but within a week, I caught him drinking a beer, then it runs about two weeks, and he slips again.  Currently, he is attending four nights a week-two hours a night - outpatient clinic, but he is not doing the homework, and he is still making excuses to me.  I told him that I would not stand up for him when he goes to court for probation violations in August, and he is angry about that, and the other night, I pick him up from work, took him home, took the kids to the store, come back and find him drunk.  So I threw him out of my house- told him to sleep in the trailer we have out back- ( it is very small).  He was furious, a friend was over, and he called us gay and all that.  I just threw him and locked the back door.  I am not sure what to do anymore, I don't trust him, and I want to show the kids that I do not want to live this way anymore, but he can't live on his own on the income he has, and I feel I can't throw him out and make him homeless with him being the father of my children.  What would that say to them in the long run.  But what does it say to them when I am still dealing with him.  I don't think he wants to get sober, but is doing all of this to stay out of jail when he goes to court.  He has the probation officer fooled completely.   I was so angry the other night that I just wanted to hurt him so much physically so he would know how I felt, but I didn't.  I sent a pitcher of water and a plate of food out to him because  I am just that kind of person.  And it really makes me mad at myself also.  I have read the other listings and they have help alot, but when is enough and how do I find peace with that decision especially with my youngest child who is 8 now and clearly adores his father so much.  I just don't know what to do any more, I can't talk to my Mom or Friends, because they all wants to get rid of him due to the physical and verbal absue they have seen over the last five years.  He does not touch me physically now, since I assured him that I would call the police last time.  He belives me very much there.  I was afraid that he would try to kill himself, and I couldn't live with that, but he is on a antidepressant now, so I don't worry about that anymore.  But he says he will drink even more and become homeless if I throw him completely. He says he loves me and the kids, and I am sure he does, but I don't think I can live with him anymore and the sneaking around, lying and the constant strain it is causing.  I do love him, but I am not sure how to find my way to a more peaceful life and whether it is with him or not with him.

Very lonely, and confused.

honeybunny

Hi Hunny bunny and welcome

Alanon is the right place for you.

It teachs us how to cope with the devasting effects of alcoholism.

But he says he will drink even more and become homeless if I throw him completely. He says he loves me and the kids, and I am sure he does, but I don't think I can live with him anymore and the sneaking around

here is some of my xeperience.

i am married 14 years. My husband has not worked in the last 3 years since he got fired. he tells me he is retired. i learned from a therapist that the courts look upon this as voluntary unemployment.5 weeks ago I got sick and tired of the nasty things he said and living in the chaos and I left.

I found an apt. My A said if i get a 1 year lease then he gives up and will drink alot, I said "don't threaten me"

The A's are master manipulators

I can't give advice but can say thet you are in the right place and are among friends

keep coming back

Thank you for your advice.  I have found that they are great at manipulating you and your feelings so you feel like you are the one at fault.  I finally decided last summer when I took my three boys to the coast without him that I was not going to give into to him any more.  I have been living my life as I want to but it still hurts when he nails me with something ugly, like - ( you just married me for the kids or you are a fat pig)  I am a little heavy but when you are trapped in a wheelchair alot, it is hard to lose the weight, I am moving around now, and have lost twenty-three pounds in the last six weeks, and does he notice?  ha -  I told him tonight after he got home from his class that he should look for a roommate because if he screws up again then he is moving out and that is final.  I put the house in my name in Dec, due to his two DUI's, and he was not happy, but I had to think of me and my kids.

 

I hope your apartment is nice, and I am sure you are happier now.  I am afraid to throw him out but I know it is coming.

Good luck in your new life.

honeybunny:

Hi Honeybunnydog,

Welcome!!!

I don't know when is enough only you know that. 

I was reading your post and when you came to the part about the PO I thought to myself about a friend who is a PO and AA member.  He once mentioned that the A's think that they are pulling a fast one but that he definately realizes what is going on.  I hope that this is your husbands PO's case aswell.  In the end it may suprise you.  I have learned in this program to expect the unexpected.

I wish you the best

JJ

Hi and welcome,

I'm also new but just wanted to let you know.  I also put the house in my name.  You have to do what is best for you and your kids.

Don't worry about the PO they know the game.

Only you will know when is enough. Trust your self don't let him take that away from you.

Keep us updated I'll be thinking of you

                              Nikkilou

 

Only you will know when enough is enough. How long have you been coming to alanon? Keep coming and learning more about how to make your own life better with or without him! You might not be ready now to make that decision, but again, only you will know that.You'll find that coming here really helps, you have people to relate to and no one judges or tells you waht to do or pressures you to "leave him" etc!  whatever you decide, you'll do it when you are ready. Keep coming!

Hi HoneyBunnyDog, I can't offer advice but I can tell you what I have eperienced and how I handled it. My fiancee used to verbally abuse me when he was drunk. Not all the time, but even once was too much!! A dear friend pointed me to this website and I began reading the posts. I felt terrible, inadequate and so hurt that the man who said he loves me could treat me with so much disrespect. But as I read the posts, I realized that I wasn't the problem. I won't lie.....it wasn't easy. There were a lot of tears, shaking and nights spent escaping into a hot shower to cry my heart out (out if his view), wondering what I'd done wrong, why he hated me so much that he could say such hurtful things. But after reading here, a light bulb went on in my head!! It was his own inadequacies that he was covering up and mine weren't really even an issue, but he was like a 5 y/o in a playground calling names and just being a nasty pisspot!! The hardest part was that he is VERY high functioning and extremely intelligent, so in my state of pain (that he was causing), I actually believed the crap that was coming out of his mouth. But it was garbage!!! My solution was to realize that although I do have a weight problem (he drinks to medicate, I eat!), he has NO RIGHT to treat me with such disrespect. I have always treated him with respect, even when he was verbally beating me to a pulp. How could anyone so intelligent be wrong? I was inadequate....I was a bad person.....WRONG!!! My solution was to really listen to his words, those awful, slurred, hurtful words. I then looked him square in the eye and laughed in his face. I told him, "Yeah, I'm fat, do you think I didn't know that? I've heard it all before and surprise, surprise, it came out of YOUR mouth.....so, do you think we could move on to the next subject? This is getting old...." I'd never spoken to him that way before and he stopped dead in his tracks. When he didn't say anything - he just looked stunned, I said that I didn't need this and went to take my shower. My knees were like jelly and the tears were rolling down my cheeks as I closed the door (he didn't see that part), but I'd taken a stand. Someone said that if a drunk has no one to argue with, some (not all) actually stop. I've also told him that I'll talk with him anytime about anything as long as he doesn't have a case of beer in him. I'm not sure if it was the realization that he was being a supreme p$*ck, the fact that I wasn't going to put up with it or that I wasn't as stupid as he was trying to make me look, but it stopped. He's attempted to goad me once or twice since, but I've stood my ground. He has not gotten away with that behavior for over 7 months and I promise that he never will again. He counted on me backing down to make himself feel superior but has admitted since then that he is NOT superior....we are equals. He still drinks, but he no longer abuses me or the priviledge of being in MY life!!! I let him know that I won't allow his abuse and he respects that AND me. I guess I'm saying that, NOT allowing someone to steal your self-respect and making certain that they know you won't allow them to take that from you, is the most important first step. It's not easy and no one is the same or will have the same results, but it worked for me. Keep coming back here, read the posts and learn from those with the experience to guide. I don't claim to know it all, not even close, but please take the time to educate yourself about the disease of alcoholism and put you and your children first....ALWAYS. If your husband is making threats, that's his problem....he is playing on your guilt. You say you were diagnosed 15 yrs ago and have been with him for 15 yrs, so your MS came as NO surprise to him. DO NOT let him use your disease against you. From what I'm reading, you are a remarkable woman...believe that and don't EVER let him make you feel less than that. He is the imperfect one and he is the one who needs to take care of him. He is NOT your responsibility. Remember the 3 c's - you didn't cause his disease, you can't control it and you cannot cure it. If you remember that, his words and threats become rather empty. So, as I've said in nearly every post I've ever written.....TAKE CARE OF YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN first and foremost. And come here often....read the posts and learn from those who know what you are going through. There is love and understanding here that you may find hard to find elsewhere. ~arwyn