I was afraid I would get into trouble with my last post. Felt it was negative and not my usual, forgive the A becuz he is sick. Was pleasantly surprised at the great responses!! Thank you! SMOINKS, SMOINKS, SMOINKS!! (smack + oink) So today I calmly took down our marriage license, took down our I Do picture frame of us found all the pics of him I have in every room, got all the things he gave me, and put them in a box. Put the little things in he left here too. Took down the cards he gave me and the little cards that came with flowers put them in the box. In my head and heart, when I get a twinge inside about him, the word "indifference" comes to my mind. I put it there. Then I don't feel anything. Not mad, not hate, not dislike, just nothing at all. I will always care, but not like I did. More just as I would care for anyone. When I think about my little Basset friend someone took from me, I put in wild irises. so every time he comes to my mind, the purple flowers are in my head. But sadly for my A there can be nothing. I see the word big in capital letters, INDIFFERENCE. No emotion at all. And it works! It is sad it has come to this. Becuz I cared for him so honestly, loved him no matter wath and it still was not enough. Was very willing to share my life with him, no matter what, but the disease has other ideas. And since my husband has chosen this by his actions, it takes the decision out of my hands really. What will I do? Same as always, wake up to my Great Pyr, Sauveur licking my face, sleep with my little Tavish Basset in my arms, enjoy these 4 crazy ginger kittens I took in, take naps in the sun with my pigs, groom my beautiful horse, take in the sweet breath of my llamas. Build decks and put up fences with my son, ride in his cool big jeep anywhere and everywhere. Laugh with my beautiful daughter as we look at pictures or dig thru my jewelry. Mop my floor a zillion times and think about painting paw prints on them. Go to Goodwill and snoop. Plant flowers a little at a time. Keep working in my garden, keep eating my healthy only food,no junk goes into my mouth. Nothing comes out either, no cussing lol Just live and smile, be mellow, don't get upset, take things as they come. Serenity is a gift. Ya have to work hard at it, but at the same time, it is the payoff of all your work. Alanon gives you the tools to make your program. My program is all the above and more. It is look at the positive, always know there are options to everything, think morally, give others what you want for yourself, loyalty honestly, acceptance of who I am, unconditionaly love. For me it is pay your bills, buy needs not wants. Look at the beauty around you. I tell ya I could have fun on a deserted island. So anyway all I know is I gave my marriage my all. I gave my A my all. But sadly here I am with out him. So ok, my program says.. embrace your eccentric life and laugh and smile and be happy hp gave you paradise on earth, ignore the turkeys, keep self control, and most important love, love, love. And if you don't know what love means, just look in Corinthians in the bible. Ok tapes back on.....lol love, debilyn sitting here watching Dr. Phil with Winnie orange cat on my legs and Sparky ginger kitten on my head purring.... OH and Tavish on my right sleeping...

Debilyn:

You say "sadly I am here without him".  However, you can have peace in knowing that you gave it all and did your best.  There is someone out there that will completely appreciate you when the time is right.  You can move away from this life where you had to practically beg for someone to love you, just because he did not even love himself.

You mention I Corinthians 13:4-8, which I have hanging on my wall right here above the desk as I type this to you...  This is the scripture that REALLY helped me discover that the love my ex boyfriend had for me was nothing of this kind of love and in turn allowed me to leave the relationship.

I would like to share....

Love is patient,

Love is kind,

It does not envy, It does not boost, It is not proud, It is not rude,

It is not self-seeking, It is not easily angered,

It keeps no record of wrongs,

Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices in the truth.

It ALWAYS protects, ALWAYS trusts, ALWAYS hopes, ALWAYS perseveres,

Love NEVER fails....

So now that we've all read this, can we honestly say that our unhealthy partners ALWAYS protects, ALWAYS trusts, ALWAYS hopes, and ALWAYS perserveres in the relationship? 

I know my ex boyfriend was never there and I never felt safe as a woman should feel with her husband or significant other.  I know I could NEVER trust him because of all his lies.  I know I lost hope in the person he turned out to be when I realized that the only one perservering in holding the relationship together was ME.

I was his protection, his trust, his hope because he lacked all of these qualities in himself.   Now it's time for an equal relationship when the time is right.  :)

Take Care!

-- Edited by sanddie at 21:10, 2005-06-06

Sanddi that was wonderful!! thank you! love and hugs, debilyn