My hubby stepped over the line a few nights ago. He physically harmed my 23 year old son. (Son is okay now but he did have to go to ER and we had to watch him for concussion.) Hubby is out of the house and I have stated he has to go for help if he wants to be here in this relationship and family again. Hubby agrees what he did was totally wrong and says he is willing to get help.
I am having a horrible time. I want to isolate, I want to crawl into bed and stay there, I go between wanting to cry and wanting to scream in rage at him. I should be going to the bank to deposit this check I have, going to post office to mail off the bills, going to the real estate office to start training .... but I can't get myself to do more than drag on a pair of jeans, a shirt, and drag a brush thru my hair before sitting down at the computer and mindlessly playing card games. I forced myself to eat yesterday (bowl of soup and a BLT), today I have had nothing but coffee and it is 12:30 p.m. Someone reminded me in chat to think of what I would tell another who was in my situation. I am sure eventually I will force myself to do the things I need to do (banking, etc.).
I am afraid. I begin to feel guilt over what happened to my son (and the emotional effects it had on the other kids). Someone in chat said "you couldn't have seen this coming, its not your fault". I can understand what my dear friends here are telling me, its the same I would tell others....but those feelings are still there. My faith and trust have been dealt a severely damaging blow. I am in conflict - how often have I myself said "changed attitudes can aid recovery"...I know this to be true, I know there is hope. I also know there are no guarantees in sobriety, that relapses can and do happen. How can I know that even with a good working program (for hubby), that this will never happen again? I am not afraid for myself, I am afraid for my kids.
I also know that HP has been 'directing' things during and since this whole incident. The officer who came out had a background as a 12 step counselor, my dear alanon friend called me during this as I was talking with the officer, the person I called on our local AA phone list to ask for referral to counseling happened to be a counselor themself and offered a free evaluation for hubby and said they do have several referrals to who they would send friends/family to for counseling as well. I gave hubby the numbers, it is up to him to make the calls now. And now I need to focus on me. I am a mess. I do not know how this will all turn out. It is truly a one day at a time situation. I only know, at this point, that the boundary I set of 'get help or stay away' must be enforced.
Conflict - I love him, I care about him, I understand 'how' it happened. I do not and will not ever condone what happened. And then I get angry again and want to scream in rage at him. He could have killed my son. He talks of how he needs to get help, how what happened was totally unacceptable...and then in the next breath says how all the rest of us need to change too and do more, etc. I respond with 'the only one you can change is yourself and when you are lookin at what others are or aren't doing, you are taking the focus off yourself and every time I have done that is when I slip in my own program" I find myself filling with rage and anger when he starts talking about what the rest of us "need to do". It is like a child who has just gotten into trouble and responds with "but Mikey did it too!"
I read in a share....FEAR...Forgetting Everything is All Right. This makes me look at how HP has been here with me (even if I'm not conversing back to HP) and that my own fear comes from not Letting Go and Letting God completely. HP has truly been trying to show me that I/we will be okay. I need to just be still and listen. I need to not make hasty decisions. I need to stop with the woulda/coulda/shoulda stuff. I need to focus on my program. I need to reach out for help. I need to talk, to reason things out - not to isolate and crawl under the covers. I need to go eat now..haha. Thank you for listening, thank you for caring. Thank you for being here.
sanddie said
Jun 6, 2005
I've learned the difficult way that fear can be a life-saving physical response to a situation in your life that NEEDS to be changed. So many times, I pushed fear aside and thought I was the one that was wrong in how I felt, only to discover that the fear was only a warning sign of the things to come if I didn't start taking the directly that was right for myself and children.
You should do what is safe for YOU and your children-- that's IT. Nothing more. Ask yourself this.... If this were a stranger that did this to your child, would you still welcome them in and listen to their story about how they almost killed your son?
Sorry, but I have little tolerance for ANYBODY who physically abuses anyone. Been there-- illness or not, this has NOTHING to do with you or your children.
Please be careful and take care of yourself... Obviously, this man cannot be trusted-- apologies or not. Words without action are nonsense and only an attempt to have others around you continue to try and support the person who is very manipulative. They absolutely KNOW what they are doing and it is not up to you, nor me to take care of a grown adult.
sanddie said
Jun 6, 2005
Of course I can't forget the hugss ((((((((((((((((((((((((kis)))))))))))))))))))))))))
mastiff said
Jun 6, 2005
You got dinner plans my dear, you and the kids. Get your butt of the chair and come see an alanon friend!!! My place, and if you don't show up, i'm gonna barge in yours and bring you dinner!!! You name the time, hope you like gourmet.
love you so much, your doing great my friend,
Trina
megan said
Jun 6, 2005
Hi Kis (((Kis)))
What a devastating thing to have happened.
i know my A ( who is not drinking today) and not in a program (he will do it himself) always wants to take my inventory.
It seems to deflect the attention from himself.
he says I want to work things out and I say well, I am seeing a therapist, attending meetings and reading books and learning to change my behavior.
What are you doing? He says oh I'm not drinking.
I relate to the wasting of time. I am depressed and even taking a shower is an effort.
What I have made myself do is lists. I make a list of things for myself for the day that i need to get accomplished.
The lists keep me focused and stop me from being idle and stare at me when I am unable to move
My heart goes out to you. Trust your HP in things, and be kind to yourself, you need it
Christy said
Jun 6, 2005
Hi ((kis))..
Quit beatin yourself up , girl! Anyone would be rattled and pissed off. Our program is wonderful, but we are still allowed to feel normal feelings. It'd be a bit odd to be serenely going on about life like nothing happened. The program helps us to see things differently then we used to..and change our old behaviors, but it can't take our feelings away. At least you are feeling them instead of stuffing them. Give yourself a break :) We're all just struggling through this stuff, trying to be strong (and wiser) in the face of adversity.
Feel your feelings all that you need to for now, then get up, brush yourself off and stand strong again.
Love ya,
Christy (Cjo)
david62 said
Jun 6, 2005
Dear (((((Kismet)))))
I am saddened to hear about you son....and I must confess.... a little angry too. So glad that your son is going to be alright and that you and the kids are safe.
I will pray for you all!
Get off your butt! Go see Trina! Do not isolate yourself.
Please take care of yourself, I know you know how to!! You can doooo iiit! (as they say)
Love you my friend!
David
Jeannie said
Jun 6, 2005
(((Kismet)))
It is one thing for us to put up with things, but when someone hurts our kids, it hurts so much more than if they physically hurt us.
I am so glad your son is going to be okay.
You have no guilt here. You are not a mind reader and could not have known this would happen. He did this and it is his guilt and his blame to take and his to correct. All the apologies in the world cannot undo it.
I agree with the others. dust yourself off and get moving, do the things you need to do and do some things you want to do. Hug your son, be thankful he is alright and stop beating yourself up.
Don't dwell on the future. If your husband is seriouse about getting help and does it, you will know in your heart if it is safe, or as safe as it can be. We have no guarantees in this life, we never know what tomorrow will bring, or if the person next door will snap and harm one of us. Trust is fragile and when it is lost it takes time to regain it. Give yourself the time to see what the future will bring.
Love Jeannie
kerry5 said
Jun 6, 2005
You couldnt of controled your ex into not doing that to your son. I am an adult child and both my parents were A's. Your son will eventually at some point in his life come to an acceptance and with you in the alanon program says alot. Hopefully he will seek help when he feels ready. Dont let the guilt eat you up kis :) ive been sleeping since my mom died gives me all i can do to get out of bed and once the kids leave i want to crawl back in. But i come here instead and sometimes chair a meeting. Gives me an excuse not to sleep that day. Force yourself hun like ya said to me not long ago Fake it till ya make it :) You can beat this :) love ya
kerry
fiona123 said
Jun 6, 2005
hi
Mainly wanted to add my *HUG* to all the other messages of love and support .. I am so sorry you are having a rough time of it right now ... and sorry that maybe your hubby needed such a LOUD wake up call *sighs*
I am glad your son has *you* to turn to .. I know the pain and fear of feeling the need to enforce the boundary of "get help or no go "
I will be praying for you guys
Much Love
Fiona
gardengal said
Jun 7, 2005
(((((((kis))))) first let me tell you I know exactly how you feel, as I have been there many times paralyzed with almost a deep depression, not wanting to face the day and what the day will bring ,,ie: going to the bank etc and other "normal" things one is to do. However as before and as said many times there is hope and peace and serenity in YOUR recovery. It is never ending to revisit step one over and over again.....We admitted we are powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable---this also can include the actions or non actions of a loved one, we are still powerless, but we are not helpless , in helping ourselves. It has taken (and I am still not completely there) that I too am too am powerless over this disease of alcoholism and the "isms" that it brings. Take care of yourself,,,,,,,,,,gardengal
kismetstrand said
Jun 7, 2005
Have I told y'all lately that I love yas??? I do, I do, I do!! Thank you all for your kind, caring, supportive words. All of y'all and Excedrin Migraine are my best friends right now...LOL (Oh thank God for humor.) Did wake up with a horrible headache, am supposed to be going to a staff meeting at the real estate office (the Broker called me yesterday to let me know they were having it and to see how I was as I haven't been back in touch with him since I signed the employment contract with him....sigh). I guess I'll take some excedrin, drink some more coffee, see if my head will stop pounding before the noon meeting. (I dont wanna go! whine, whine, whine...)
jj said
Jun 7, 2005
(((((((((Kis))))))))))
Sorry I got here so late. I am praying for you and your family!!!! I hope that you do go to your meeting!! I knwo that when I am in that I don't want to do anything mood and I finally get my butt out and about that it does help me.
Take it easy. Thinking of you and your family. (((Kis))) (((Kids)))
Love JJ
bob6502 said
Jun 7, 2005
Darling Kismet,
I am so so sorry. I really care about both you and your husband since meeting you guys and I am so sorry this happened. Please take care of yourself, remember your boundaries and the safety of your kids. Remember that we all love you and whenever you need to talk I am here. You know my e-mail address and if you don't I would be happy to give it to you. Much Love, Peggy
My hubby stepped over the line a few nights ago. He physically harmed my 23 year old son. (Son is okay now but he did have to go to ER and we had to watch him for concussion.) Hubby is out of the house and I have stated he has to go for help if he wants to be here in this relationship and family again. Hubby agrees what he did was totally wrong and says he is willing to get help.
I am having a horrible time. I want to isolate, I want to crawl into bed and stay there, I go between wanting to cry and wanting to scream in rage at him. I should be going to the bank to deposit this check I have, going to post office to mail off the bills, going to the real estate office to start training .... but I can't get myself to do more than drag on a pair of jeans, a shirt, and drag a brush thru my hair before sitting down at the computer and mindlessly playing card games. I forced myself to eat yesterday (bowl of soup and a BLT), today I have had nothing but coffee and it is 12:30 p.m. Someone reminded me in chat to think of what I would tell another who was in my situation. I am sure eventually I will force myself to do the things I need to do (banking, etc.).
I am afraid. I begin to feel guilt over what happened to my son (and the emotional effects it had on the other kids). Someone in chat said "you couldn't have seen this coming, its not your fault". I can understand what my dear friends here are telling me, its the same I would tell others....but those feelings are still there. My faith and trust have been dealt a severely damaging blow. I am in conflict - how often have I myself said "changed attitudes can aid recovery"...I know this to be true, I know there is hope. I also know there are no guarantees in sobriety, that relapses can and do happen. How can I know that even with a good working program (for hubby), that this will never happen again? I am not afraid for myself, I am afraid for my kids.
I also know that HP has been 'directing' things during and since this whole incident. The officer who came out had a background as a 12 step counselor, my dear alanon friend called me during this as I was talking with the officer, the person I called on our local AA phone list to ask for referral to counseling happened to be a counselor themself and offered a free evaluation for hubby and said they do have several referrals to who they would send friends/family to for counseling as well. I gave hubby the numbers, it is up to him to make the calls now. And now I need to focus on me. I am a mess. I do not know how this will all turn out. It is truly a one day at a time situation. I only know, at this point, that the boundary I set of 'get help or stay away' must be enforced.
Conflict - I love him, I care about him, I understand 'how' it happened. I do not and will not ever condone what happened. And then I get angry again and want to scream in rage at him. He could have killed my son. He talks of how he needs to get help, how what happened was totally unacceptable...and then in the next breath says how all the rest of us need to change too and do more, etc. I respond with 'the only one you can change is yourself and when you are lookin at what others are or aren't doing, you are taking the focus off yourself and every time I have done that is when I slip in my own program" I find myself filling with rage and anger when he starts talking about what the rest of us "need to do". It is like a child who has just gotten into trouble and responds with "but Mikey did it too!"
I read in a share....FEAR...Forgetting Everything is All Right. This makes me look at how HP has been here with me (even if I'm not conversing back to HP) and that my own fear comes from not Letting Go and Letting God completely. HP has truly been trying to show me that I/we will be okay. I need to just be still and listen. I need to not make hasty decisions. I need to stop with the woulda/coulda/shoulda stuff. I need to focus on my program. I need to reach out for help. I need to talk, to reason things out - not to isolate and crawl under the covers. I need to go eat now..haha. Thank you for listening, thank you for caring. Thank you for being here.
I've learned the difficult way that fear can be a life-saving physical response to a situation in your life that NEEDS to be changed. So many times, I pushed fear aside and thought I was the one that was wrong in how I felt, only to discover that the fear was only a warning sign of the things to come if I didn't start taking the directly that was right for myself and children.
You should do what is safe for YOU and your children-- that's IT. Nothing more. Ask yourself this.... If this were a stranger that did this to your child, would you still welcome them in and listen to their story about how they almost killed your son?
Sorry, but I have little tolerance for ANYBODY who physically abuses anyone. Been there-- illness or not, this has NOTHING to do with you or your children.
Please be careful and take care of yourself... Obviously, this man cannot be trusted-- apologies or not. Words without action are nonsense and only an attempt to have others around you continue to try and support the person who is very manipulative. They absolutely KNOW what they are doing and it is not up to you, nor me to take care of a grown adult.
Of course I can't forget the hugss ((((((((((((((((((((((((kis)))))))))))))))))))))))))
You got dinner plans my dear, you and the kids. Get your butt of the chair and come see an alanon friend!!! My place, and if you don't show up, i'm gonna barge in yours and bring you dinner!!! You name the time, hope you like gourmet.
love you so much, your doing great my friend,
Trina
Hi Kis (((Kis)))
What a devastating thing to have happened.
i know my A ( who is not drinking today) and not in a program (he will do it himself) always wants to take my inventory.
It seems to deflect the attention from himself.
he says I want to work things out and I say well, I am seeing a therapist, attending meetings and reading books and learning to change my behavior.
What are you doing? He says oh I'm not drinking.
I relate to the wasting of time. I am depressed and even taking a shower is an effort.
What I have made myself do is lists. I make a list of things for myself for the day that i need to get accomplished.
The lists keep me focused and stop me from being idle and stare at me when I am unable to move
My heart goes out to you. Trust your HP in things, and be kind to yourself, you need it
Hi ((kis))..
Quit beatin yourself up , girl! Anyone would be rattled and pissed off. Our program is wonderful, but we are still allowed to feel normal feelings. It'd be a bit odd to be serenely going on about life like nothing happened. The program helps us to see things differently then we used to..and change our old behaviors, but it can't take our feelings away. At least you are feeling them instead of stuffing them. Give yourself a break :) We're all just struggling through this stuff, trying to be strong (and wiser) in the face of adversity.
Feel your feelings all that you need to for now, then get up, brush yourself off and stand strong again.
Love ya,
Christy (Cjo)
Dear (((((Kismet)))))
I am saddened to hear about you son....and I must confess.... a little angry too. So glad that your son is going to be alright and that you and the kids are safe.
I will pray for you all!
Get off your butt! Go see Trina! Do not isolate yourself.
Please take care of yourself, I know you know how to!! You can doooo iiit! (as they say)
Love you my friend!
David
(((Kismet)))
It is one thing for us to put up with things, but when someone hurts our kids, it hurts so much more than if they physically hurt us.
I am so glad your son is going to be okay.
You have no guilt here. You are not a mind reader and could not have known this would happen. He did this and it is his guilt and his blame to take and his to correct. All the apologies in the world cannot undo it.
I agree with the others. dust yourself off and get moving, do the things you need to do and do some things you want to do. Hug your son, be thankful he is alright and stop beating yourself up.
Don't dwell on the future. If your husband is seriouse about getting help and does it, you will know in your heart if it is safe, or as safe as it can be. We have no guarantees in this life, we never know what tomorrow will bring, or if the person next door will snap and harm one of us. Trust is fragile and when it is lost it takes time to regain it. Give yourself the time to see what the future will bring.
Love Jeannie
You couldnt of controled your ex into not doing that to your son. I am an adult child and both my parents were A's. Your son will eventually at some point in his life come to an acceptance and with you in the alanon program says alot. Hopefully he will seek help when he feels ready. Dont let the guilt eat you up kis :) ive been sleeping since my mom died gives me all i can do to get out of bed and once the kids leave i want to crawl back in. But i come here instead and sometimes chair a meeting. Gives me an excuse not to sleep that day. Force yourself hun like ya said to me not long ago Fake it till ya make it :) You can beat this :) love ya
kerry
hi
Mainly wanted to add my *HUG* to all the other messages of love and support .. I am so sorry you are having a rough time of it right now ... and sorry that maybe your hubby needed such a LOUD wake up call *sighs*
I am glad your son has *you* to turn to .. I know the pain and fear of feeling the need to enforce the boundary of "get help or no go "
I will be praying for you guys
Much Love
Fiona
(((((((kis))))) first let me tell you I know exactly how you feel, as I have been there many times paralyzed with almost a deep depression, not wanting to face the day and what the day will bring ,,ie: going to the bank etc and other "normal" things one is to do. However as before and as said many times there is hope and peace and serenity in YOUR recovery. It is never ending to revisit step one over and over again.....We admitted we are powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable---this also can include the actions or non actions of a loved one, we are still powerless, but we are not helpless , in helping ourselves. It has taken (and I am still not completely there) that I too am too am powerless over this disease of alcoholism and the "isms" that it brings. Take care of yourself,,,,,,,,,,gardengal
(((((((((Kis))))))))))
Sorry I got here so late. I am praying for you and your family!!!! I hope that you do go to your meeting!! I knwo that when I am in that I don't want to do anything mood and I finally get my butt out and about that it does help me.
Take it easy. Thinking of you and your family. (((Kis))) (((Kids)))
Love JJ
Darling Kismet,
I am so so sorry. I really care about both you and your husband since meeting you guys and I am so sorry this happened. Please take care of yourself, remember your boundaries and the safety of your kids. Remember that we all love you and whenever you need to talk I am here. You know my e-mail address and if you don't I would be happy to give it to you. Much Love, Peggy