You know, I feel like, if my A wanted help, he would get it. He is choosing to allow the disease to kill him. He is choosing not to be there for me. He chose not to be there for his dieing brother. I for one say I have had it. I hope I cont. to feel this way. I love him, I love how I love him. But it is wasted love. My friend who was there when i met my A said to me after I said I wish I could stop loving him, that she wished I could too. She has seen too much, as the rest of my loved ones. I guess I can hold the love I feel inside. My love is a verb. His love is dead, like he is. I know, that if I am sick, especially if it hurts everyone around me, I will take care of me. I am tired of the excuse he is A. Ok so what? He is A so he never has to answer for anything??? Sounding so negative here. This is where I am drawing the line now. This is it for me. He does not call becuz he does not want to, he does not love me becuz he does not want to. He does not care becuz he does not want to. That does not mean I don't hope he gets well and takes care of himself. I know the disease is running him. I know he is in there somewhere, maybe. Anyway thank you for listening. All I know is this cancer scare is a big one for me, he knows it, and he does not care. So I will feel what I do about him now, indifference. Not hate not dislike. Just nothing at all. My animals show me love, even my silly white Turkey FeeFee is more loving than the A is. OH pass me the duct tape for my mouth... love you guys,debilyn

((((((((((((((((Deiblyn))))))))))))) Don't ever get out the duct tape. I have learned so much for you sharing your life with me. When I vent here or just share thoughts and feelings it is so healing. Keep on posting and keep on taking care of you! I am still saying prayers for you! cdb

Hi Debilyn,

I've had alot of those same thoughts and feelings. It's good for us all to know we are not alone so no duct tape please, lol. Wishing you well!

                               Jenny

(((Debilyn)))

Your thoughts and shares have made me laugh and cry. I have learned so much from your quiet serenity and honesty. I respect and value your opinions. So I have to agree with the others. No duck tape please!

                                          Love Jeannie