So Hubby and I got invited to a friends house, just supposed to be like a family thing with the kids.  So any how I was informed this mornig that no kids were to be there and they were going to have this party rather than just a get together....  So of course going through ever thing that I am right now had reservations about it all day and put it off and off.  We did end up going and of course hubby had to join in right!  He is no having fun unless drinking.. I DON'T DRINK!!  well I tried my best to just visit with the friends that I have not seen for such a long time and I was able to detach and just let go..  Until I said that I was ready to go and of course he pushed it and it was 2 beers later and he blamed me for having to leave his fun.  Then the picking started in the truck...  I know your mad and quack quack quack!!!  I just said I enjoyed my self and sat there and didn't complain while you drank and let you do your thing don'tbe trying to pick a fight with me.

Now cause I am on here his is pissed off again, more quacking!!

He did so good for a week with out getting falling down drunk and wanting to be with his family and I was not mad until the manipulation started and he began looking to start a fight with me grrr.  Why?? Dumb question I know this it's the disease pearing it ugly face and trying to hurt me.  GRRR disease I HATE you!!!!

I knew this was going to happen and I am not crushed but disapointed.  Did I think it would be that easy... No not really but the hope and positive attidude was there..

Any how my question is would you all have avoided the friends and stayed home???  They are my friends to and I miss them and enjoy the visiting but they know a bit about what I am going through and yet everything has to be a party??? I won't do it again, I would rather stay home and keep my serenity rather than the out come of the drinking even when I am on my best behavior.

Damit I am a little pissed off!!!

JJ

JJ,

I wish I had something brilliant to say---I don't but I do know how you feel.  I think it helps to do what makes you feel best, even if that's staying at home.  The truth of the matter is, we really want them not to drink with us and have a good time too--that's usually not going to happen.  Wow, I am really just beginning to see the depth of this "disease".  I resisted calling it a disease  --but I realize it is controlling my husband in ways I never thought possible.  Again, take any happiness that comes your way.

mom to 2

Not me. I am so much better when I am not isolated. I'm not going to avoid events with friends no matter if my A comes along and behaves inappropriately or if I go alone. He's so miserable these days, there's little danger of him coming along for fun. I wonder what would happen if he had a hugely fun time without drinking. Regardless, I was recently feeling isolated in a sea of friends and possibilities, and I saw how much better I feel when I am truly connected. So I wouldn't have avoided your party. About avoiding the argument, I'll have to get back to you on that one once I figure that part out.

Jill

JJ,

There was a time, very recently, that I would have stayed home and avoided the party rather then subject myself to the embarrassment.  But recent changes in my life, thanks to Alanon, allow me to attend those types of gatherings and be with what friends I have left.

I, little by little isolated myself from these types of events until I found myself with very few friends. 

I've finally figured out that my A's actions aren't a reflection of me.  People see him being a dork, not me.  Why should I allow his disease to rob me of friends?

I've set some boundaries when it comes to leaving these events.  I tell my A before the party that when I am ready to leave, I'm going.  I will tell him once.  I'm not going to play the waiting game for hours, while he gets more loaded..We both end up getting pissed off.  He, because he has to leave,... me, because I have to wait on him.  By telling him my plan, before, he has ample opportunity to arrange a ride home with someone else and knows full well I'm not waiting on him.  This makes it his problem if he's left w/o a ride.

I only had to leave him one time....Now, when I'm ready to go..he starts saying his G'byes and comes with me. 

When he does start to pick on me in the car..saying, I don't know how to have fun/party etc.  I just say..."You could have stayed, your choice".

If at sometime he ignored me again  about leaving...I can only assume he's made arrangements to get home.

p.s.  I always make sure I have the keys..or the spare set.

Christy

((((JJ))))

I can't think of anything to add to what Christy said.  That is an excellent way to approach the situation.  I would like to say, as others have, do not let the A stop you from being with your friends, and from doing the things you like to do.  Do them,,,,with or without the A.  Do not isolate yourself.

I am speaking as someone who "just stayed home".  It cost me many friends and chances to have good times, and gained me nothing but loneliness and unhappiness.  And it, of course, did not change one damn thing in regards to the drinking. 

Yours in Recovery,

David

hi JJ,

I agree with everobody, don't isolate yourself.  If you do, the disease wins yet another battle.    He's a big boy, he can find his way home. 

Bonnie