I'm sitting here at 1:40 a.m. and of course, my A has not come back from the bar yet (where he's been for the last almost 10 hours--a 'short' outing for him)... It truly burns me that he can't make it home right after the bar closes.  Where does he go?  Honestly, thoughts race from him walking home, passing out on the side of the road (tonight I have the car), to him finding some ditzy woman and being with her.  My A has a way of explaining how he 'stayed out and placed poker' or 'went out for breakfast w/ ___ (fill in the blank)."  It makes me totally irrate and for all the 'why don't you trust me's" that come out of his mouth, I wonder if I'm being 'played.' I mean, how can he POSSIBLY think I should be able to trust him when he doesn't even follow through with what he says?  Trust has gone out of our relationship a l-o-n-g time ago, unfortunately.  I get fed up with his escapades and it's bad enough to know that he escapes to the bar every chance he gets but even after the bar has closed for the night, he can be out for sometimes six hours past!  I've heard the "I was too drunk to drive home so I stayed with *Joe  who lives behind the bar" story or "we all went out for breakfast" story.  My mind races.. I mean, I truly don't know where the truth ends and the lies begin anymore.  These past 4 years have been the worst.  I just feel like things are getting worse, not any better.  I hate being stuck in this relationship.. and thing is, though I don't want to be the 'last one' to know if anything is going on, I find myself getting 'sick' at the thought of him doing this to me..  When he does make it home, he makes me 'sick' just seeing the shape he's in or the smell coming from him..  I'm wondering how 'rock bottom' he has to go and I don't want to be around for it..  I feel sick for him being soooo pathetic and I'm feeling such remorse that I ever met him.  I know there's nothing I can do to reverse that and I have two wonderful boys from this marriage, but I'm so very hurt by him..  Sorry... just had to 'vent'.. I'm tired of crying my eyes out and being a total wreck because of his choices.. I keep wishing for a big stash of cash, my own car and a place to go to, just to get out and away from him..  He's just not worth the price I'm paying in myself. I find myself majorly stressed out and yes, I second-guess myself these days.  I have lost so much self-worth being with him .. I just feel so wasted.  I'm so unhappy... and I wish this was all a bad dream.  :o(

It becomes a matter of when we stop wondering how far rock bottom is for the alcoholic and begin wondering how far is rock bottom emotionally, mentally, and physically for us who deal with the alcoholic or any other codependent person.  How much are WE willing to tolerate in an unhealthy relationship?   I have been where you are and it wasn't until I stopped asking all the questions about him, and listening to, "I was out playing poker on a Friday night", or "I was too drunk to drive home and I stayed by _______", that I realized that this was ALL irrelevant to the REAL issue.  The issue was I was being disrespected, used and manipulated and ONLY I continued to allow it for 3 years, until finally I discovered how much more worthy I am of a relationship that offers sincere love, compassion and mutual respect.     Someone who can love and care for themselves because without that, nobody can love someone else.  In learning this also, I am now on my own raising my children not involved with anyone and much more capable of seeing the true character of many people.  I considered myself blessed by this discovery, as God continues to answer my prayers.

I knew it was going to be extremely difficult when making the choice to leave both an unhealthy marriage 9 years ago and recently a 3-year relationship.  The 1st 6-weeks of the breakup of the relationship to my ex boyfriend, after hitting my rock bottom emotionally from hearing all that you indicated as well in his excuses, it was hell.  I felt as if my heart was being ripped out and that I would die.... It is now ONLY 6 months since the breakup and although, I think of him and love him-- I look back already so quickly and realize that he played me just has he played every other woman before me.  Even the mother of his child.  The excuses, the lies and the inability to truly be honest with anyone in his life-- including himself.   When I left, I asked God for strength in making my choice.  I asked God to help heal this pain IF this was the right thing to do and part of His plan for my life and my prayers were answered.  :)  No more tears, but happy memories, an occasional glimpse of the past of our good times when I truly felt he loved me, but then God helps me realize that since I broke up with him-- not one phone call, not an apology for anything he had done to contribute to destroy the relationship, not one ounce of energy taken on himself on his own to improve his life for him.  This only strengthens the type of man he is and makes me realize further that this wasn't the man that God intended me to spend my life with.   

Vows are something I take very seriously.  However, when vows are broken to love, honor, respect a partner, the marriage is broken.  Of course, I do agree that some marriages can be saved under these circumstances, but when you are dealing with a person with addiction a marriage cannot even be addressed because the individual cannot even address him/herself. 

Take Care!

Donna,

We've all been where you are---I'm there right now.  Try to do stuff for yourself and not place as much concern on what he is or is not doing.  Easy advice to give, but hard to follow.

My hubby never came home last night either and he's fresh out of rehab.  The hardest thing to understand for me is that he does not want to drink and hates himself for drinking.  The alcohol really controls them and it's hard to give up.  Please don't think I'm making excuses for them, I am not.  I do think that they have the ability to stop and lead better lives.

I too have 2 children from the marriage and would not change a thing because of that.  I too wish I never met him--but then I wouldn't have the children.  They are my life and I enjoy every second with them.  I AM happy with the rest of my life---my children, home, work and my family.  I do enjoy my life---but I do wish that it included a stable husband and father to my children.

This is my own little vent---my husband contacted a local outpatient rehab facility and the doctor called him yesterday and they made an appt for next Wed---he spent alot of time online Friday looking for an addictionologist and researching meds to reduce cravings---he checked out the times for AA meetings yesterday but while I was at the playground with the children he disappeared and I haven't heard from him since.  I am so angry and hurt and disappointed but I carried on with the children--enjoyed the day and evening and even watched a cute movie by myself---I also read a little alanon lit and I think it saved me from calling his cell phone.  I refuse to call him this time.  He's really on his own at this point.

Please take care of yourself and enjoy anything good in your life.  Our happiness does not depend on their behavior.

hugs

mom to 2

To all of you who posted  I feel your anguish/pain/worry/anger/ and all the emotions which get stirred up when a loved one behaves this way. This disease is very cunning , baffling and incidious. The only thing I can share is to keep the focus on yourselves and your children. I know how hard it is to deal with the ongoing uncertainty of your lives together, as i too have waited, looked out the windows when I heard a car, watched the clock tick by hour after hour or minute after minute, and so excited when he arrived home only to be verbally abused when he was in his alcoholic state. I know for years of "trying" to fix my A my husband of 31 years, I destroyed myself in the process , became a shell of a woman, became so very  sick. Coming here keeps the focus on yourself, helps you regain some serenity and peace, and mostly sanity. You are doing the right thing by coming here and venting , and we learn to "LIVE" again if the A is still drinking or not.  So keep coming back it works if you work it. Just for today I will live one day only and not try to solve the whole problem of life at once...............gardengal

I have been there.  I left without a good plan.  Ended up landing on my feet, but let him stay in my life (a mistake), came back to his house (another mistake).

Now, he drinks at home.  Hides the liquor, pretends like he's not drunk. I don't know which situation is worse cause they both basically suck.

Friday night, I ended up leaving because he was drunk and acting like I was crazy because he kept saying he hadn't been drinking.  I took the dogs to my mom's house and went to a Friday night al-anon meeting and spent the rest of the night sleeping at my mom's house.  I came home at about 10PM on Saturday and he was stone cold sober.  I told him that I am ready to leave, but I don't have a plan (I didn't tell him that) - it's hard to find a place to rent with two dogs and they are coming with me when/if I leave for good - and it will be for good this time.

The al-anon meetings have been helping a little.  They said Progress, Not Perfection.  I was beating myself up because I reacted (BADLY) when I saw him drunk.  Said some mean things (as usual) but I left.  I am the one that follows him around hollering when he's drunk - he rarely starts the arguments anymore - guess he doesn't have to because I have been doing that for him since I came back here.  I made some progress because I said what I said and left and only called once to cuss out the answering machine - I used to rant and rave for hours - would sometimes leave just to keep calling and saying mean things as they would cross my mind... so to only say one thing and leave and call once really is progress for me.  When I came back I didn't say too much of anything - just changed my clothes and went to sleep on the futon...

I don't think he's going to stop drinking.... I just have to figure out what I am going to do for me... 

I didn't mean to take up your post by my rantings...  Do what is best for you - once you figure that out - I know I have to figure it out for myself....

Peace and love,

Mariposa

I know I am angry and hurt and I feel like my life has been sucked from me.  If I didn't have any kids at home to care for, I'd have been gone a long, long time ago.  I tallied up on paper last night what I truly needed and wanted in a relationship-- caring, support, love, attentiveness, concern, a real friend to share my life with, compassion, and most of all RESPECT and I just haven't ever seen it in my mate (or haven't seen it since we first got married 15 yrs. ago)..  I'm tired of being angry, I'm tired of my life being in this giant mud puddle.  He knows when and how to cut me inside and uses it very, very well.  He doesn't care if the kids hear (and so, obviously, they'll either wind up LIKE him or so sick of it that they'll turn the opposite way, which would be the best)..  My life is a cluttered mess and who I 'used to be'.. someone generally happy, compassionate, healthy, who smiled a lot and had fun, very outgoing, has turned into someone who rarely smiles, I don't want to be seen in public, I'm stressed all the time, crying, frustrated, angry, hopeless.. I hate the person I HAVE BECOME since being with my A. He drinks to 'escape' reality, but in doing so, he piles his dose of 'reality'  onto me..  I don't have an 'escape' as he finds in being gone and in alcohol. .. I feel burdened and tired out, emotionally and physically.  I would leave in a heartbeat, I think, if I had finances beside me, a car of my own, and a place to go to.  Anytime I try to be honest with him, tell him I think we're better apart, etc., he only threatens me, i.e., "well, you won't see a penny of money from me.." or "well, you'll be living on public aid for the rest of your life.." or "I'll take off w/ the kids and you'll never see them again.." to "you don't have to get a divorce if something suddenly happens to you.." .. He's told me various ways he could 'get rid' of me and has told me numerous times to 'go choke."  I'm sick of the abuse and I'm sick of him. I can't imagine how his liver goes on for as much as he drinks in a week, but you know it seems those kinds of people are the ones who can live 'forever' with no problems for a very long time..  I hate myself for even thinking how nice it would be if he went out one night and never came home.  I'm not that kind of a person at all, but when it comes to him, I can only think of the absolute feeling of FREEDOM if he wasn't around.  God forgive me for those feelings..  it's not like me at all.  I just can't stand the situation I find myself in and like I said, if it were only 'me' to consider, (no kids involved), I'd be out of here in a second.  I have wondered why he stays with me all these years because as he says I'm such " a burden" to him, "ugly" and that he could do so much better.. but thing is, he comes and goes as he likes.. and now, he isn't working (he had surgery and is on workman's comp, though they're fighting it, so he hasn't had a check since last Dec.), he leaves everything to me to take care of.. the housework, the kids, their activities, the bill paying, even a simple phone call he can't/won't make for himself.. (I feel like his personal slave).  He doesn't have to 'give' of himself at all.. he just takes.. and comes & goes as he pleases, takes whatever money he wants or borrows it, and comes home when he feels like coming home to sleep and watch TV.  Why would he want to leave me?? I'm his dummy.. and you know the more I do, the more verbal/emotional abuse he dumps on me..  

I have to get a plan together for myself  to get out, but it's so hard because even if I went OUT to work (I work online doing transcription at home), I'd have to find a babysitter.  He's not going to give up any of his free/fun time to sit home while I go out to work ..  I feel like I'm in a slump and there are times I just wish the world would end so I wouldn't have to get going through this crap day after day.

I certainly know how to 'pick 'em'.. I had other boyfriends before him and other relationships and I picked 'him' to spend my life with.. the BIGGEST mistake I've ever made in my life..STUPID ME!!!

Thanks for all your advice and postings.  I feel at least I have others I can relate to and who have lived through this before.  A big  part of the problem for me is feeling so isolated and alone.  Thanks to all for your concern and for listening to me vent.   God bless all of you... 

Donna:

There are several resources out there for you.   Take it from me, a mother of two children who are now 14 and 16.  I too, heard from their father when I was married to him for 12 years that he kept the roof over my head, that he'd take the children away from me because I was such an awful mother, blah, blah, blah....  It got to the point though that I realized that the abusive relationship together was just showing my children that this is what you have to tolerate in your life.  I began to feel that the more I stayed the more I taught my children that it was okay to be treated the way I had been treated.  I too, had no financial background, no emotional or financial support from my family-- especially because of the back and forth in the relationship with my ex for all of the years we were together. 

I finally was fed up and encouraged him to move to an area that was less expensive for us...   My plan was that I would have a chance if the rent was less money.  Because I too, couldn't go to school to get a college education at this point for the same reasons you mentioned, I decided to buy a computer and learn as much as I could about accounting software and/or computer hardware.  I met some friends online from Europe who had helped me go from basic to intermediate computer understanding and in turn, it escalated from there.  In turn, what started as working in accounting, specifically accounts payable shortly after I finally got out of the relationship with my ex, led me to the Information Technology industry at an entry level position.

Now, 8 years later I was extended a state government position in the IT industry at an advanced networking level, in which I start next week.  My children although have the codependency issues that their father chooses to keep them in worrying about him are doing extremely well despite the circumstances with their father.  I also bought a home on the lake last summer.

I tell you my story, because I spent the last 5 years on/off state assistance and struggling financially-- always afraid still after having left my ex and divorced that I wouldn't make it even though I was making it.  Even today, I have my moments that I feel I'm going to lose everything.  Our abusers brainwash us over time, making us believe that we are not capable of making it on our own or without them.  This creates intimidation and an extreme amount of fear.  It wasn't until 2 years ago that I wouldn't shake inside when I saw my ex or whenever he picked up the children.  

I can tell you from experience and having fought to get to where I am, taking the chance that there were sometimes that were extremely difficult and still I worry something terrible that now that I have my house, I cannot afford to maintain it and will lose it.  :(  

As an alcoholic who struggles their entire life with recovery, a person who has come from abuse will struggle the same, always learning how to adapt to situations or circumstances.  It's easy to fall back into anxiety or worry when all you've been taught in your abusive relationship is that you cannot make it on your own.  However, what is most important is to recognize those triggers, realize the person who said this to you is sick and move on......   Even more importantly, there is a lesson to be learned of every circumstance-- Give it to God to get you through and ask Him for guidance, strength and support.  I guarantee He will provide ALL that you need and things will just happen when you see no possible way for them to happen.

Take Care!

One more thing....

Don't be so hard on yourself for you decisions.  If we never made mistakes, then we would never learn and grow.   As long as we have a desire to have a better life for ourselves and children and have that hope we can move on....  Each day begins the first day of the rest of your life.  Don't look at how many years you've dealt with this, but rather how many years ahead you have and what is it you want when you are in your 60's, looking back at your life.  There is ALWAYS one question I ask myself when in doubt and it is, "Will I look back at my life and always think about what my life might have been like if only I had done all I wanted to do."   If I'm faced with a decision when asking myself this question, I look to when I'm older and determine if I will look back at not having made the choice to carry through on the decision that I will always wish I had.  Whenever the answer is YES, I pursue it...    I do not want to be 60 years old and say, I wasted so many years of my life not doing what I wanted to do.   

Someone once told me, once you lose faith and hope, you have nothing.  At the time, MY emotional rock bottom, when I hadn't even believed in God, I began to analyze that statement that was said to me by a stranger initially who became to be a unexpected blessing that got me through.  

I like to refer to it using the statement, "God breaks you to make you".  :)  Sorta like our abusers---  They break us to make us how they want us.  :(   I will ALWAYS let God break me though because the reward here on earth is internal peace and in the end, eternity....

thank-you all for this post and the sharing postings that came after

I really needed to read the experience, strength hope today

Wow,

    This story sound like my story for 3 years up until about 11 months ago.  The only difference is I know that my a was having an affair and that he wasn't at a bar but a friends garage.  I'm not implying that your a is having an affair.

     Affair or no affair, it is time for boundries and to find out what you can and can't live with.  I knew my a was sneaking off whether to be with these drinking buddies or the other woman and I allowed it to happen for 3 years.  Thats right I allowed it.  I watched my life go down the tubes over the course of about 6-7 years.  I won't lie to you, my a has alway had a roaming eye when he drinks or smokes pot.  It takes away all the STOP factor for him and puts up the green light.  But this affair was different because it wasn't just an interest of someone else it was acting on it.  So for 3 years I cried begged and made myself completely sick.

     I love my a, he has been the love of my life since I was in the 5th grade, no joke!  It is the hardest thing in the world for me to think that we weren't meant to be together, happy and have a wonderful little family.  But it may be so, I don't know what the future holds but I do know this, since the day he got caught with this other women for the last time, got a DWI (on the same night) and chose to call her instead of me to pick him up.  I made a choice to never be dependant upon him again.  I want my marriage to work but there are things I won't live with. 

      I only recently and having a problem after 11 months of things going better of my staying out until really late and he know that there is no trust there and if he doesn't like it too bad.  He wants trust he needs to be trustworthy which he isn't capable of right now.  So I feel I need to take the next step, and let him know that my next boundry is that I won't live with someone that can't be home before we go to bed and can't call to let us know what time he will be home.  I understand sometimes it happens that he may come home late and if he shows the curtousy to call I won't lock him out of the house, otherwise the house gets locked up at 10pm sharp. 

       This may not be the boundry that works for you but you need to figure that out for yourself.  What works and what doesn't.  If you don't like what is going on in your life you need to find out what you part was in it and what you can do to make you happier.

        Easier said than done I know, but keep coming back, work the program and you will find your answers.

Love Ya

Good Luck

Holly