Hello all,

I'm in desperate need of insight.  Long story short--binge drinking hubby entered  a 30 day program in March.  Did well there---came out and went on a week binge.  Came home humiliated and shamed--started back to AA, calling his rehab friends, etc.  Never did follow the entire aftercare suggestions--no IOP, counselor.  2 weeks ago, on his way to AA--stopped at a bar and stayed out all night.  Again, shamed and humiliated.  Has since been doing lots of online research, AA.  He's doing badly--depressed, not working, has no motivation.  Tonight, again he's gone---won't answer the cell phone--so drinking for sure.  I know for sure that he wants to stop drinking--in fact, he hates himself for drinking.

That being said--I cannot live like this.  I am trying to be supportive but this is crazy.

Does anyone think there is any hope for this man??  I know depression is normal in early recovery--can it even be called recovery is one has continued to binge??  When he is home he does nothing--watches tv, lies on the couch and seems to be feeling sorry for himself.  We have a 3 and 1 year old and he's missing so much fun with them.  Any thoughts or suggestions?

mom to 2

Hi Mom 2 to

 

welcome

I do not know if there is any hope for your husband.

here is some of my experience.

last July i found alanon after 7 months of a husband drunk 24/7.

I stopped buying his booze and threatened him that i would tell his family

he quit drinking. he did not go to AA or get any counseling. He was a dry drunk. It was still better than the drinking

then we moved (due to MY JOB)

he started drinking (due to the stress of moving)

i was desperate. I had stopped alanon meetings when he stopped drinking

I am back in alanon. attending online and face to face meetings

i am fixing what I can - ME!

I left my husband 4 weeks ago - I just could not live with the insanity of an unemployed 24/7 drinker.

that said I live in a hotel. I found an apartment yesterday. My A is scared sober (he says) but I don't believe it.

Take what you like and leave the rest

keep coming back

megan

Hi Mom - It is so heart breaking to watch the diseasr in a loved one. My love an prayers are with you. Having said that - I wonder what are you doing for you? Are you going to meetings? Do you have a sponsor to talk to daily? These are the things that helped me. My sponsor got me busy "doing something" - housework - talking to newcomers - anything to get my mind out of the squirrel cage in my head. "When I got busy I got better". It took my mind off the a and allowed me to put him in my Higher Power's arms to be held there until he could walk alone. He didn't get better but I did. After 5 years of program I was able to walk away knowing I had gotten out of his way and learned I could still love him but I didn't want to live with the disease any longer. Keep coming back. Love in recovery - Dot

Thanks for the replies.

Yes, I am going to meetings and reading the literature and it is helping.  I am looking at things in a different way now--I know he wants and needs help--I know he is not just and inconsiderate loser but an addict.  I am keeping busy with my children and I am enjoying my life.  I so saddened by the fact that he's unable to get sober at this point.  Our 3 year old asks for him when he doesn't come home and it breaks my heart. 

I just wonder how many people have such a rocky beginning to early sobriety and if it's possible for them to achieve sobriety and happiness.  I never wanted to raise my children alone---I want their father in their life.

hugs to everyone

mom to 2

Mom to 2,

I understand how you feel. It makes it so much harder to give yourself the attention you need when you have little ones to care for.

I agree very much with what Dot and Megan have said. I too finally had to walk away from my A for the sake of myself and my son (three). Five months after we left to live on the other side of the country (that's where we were all from) my A hit bottom and entered AA. Six months after that he moved here and we gave it another try as different people.

In a few weeks my A will be celabrating six years. It has not all been rosey but niether one of us ever expected to get back together. It just worked out. I think the only reason it worked out was I finally stepped away from him and his problems and started living the life I had been waiting for him to give me.

This is just what felt right to me. I hope you find the courge to do what is right for you whatever that might be.

You are in my prayers,

Agatha

Hi Mom,

Like you my ex A is/was a binge drinker.  We split up three years ago, and then like your husband he was extremely depressed didnt do anything just lazed about.  For the past six months he has really been trying to stop drinking.  He has had several lapses in this time, but currently has not had a drink for the past two months.  Even though he is currently dry he is driving me crazy.  Early sobriety I am told can be just as difficult as living with an actively drinking A.  They feel ashamed , humilated, depressed .  Once they have the programme these feelings dont just go away.  They are mentally and physically exhausted, as I am sure you are.  I know I am and I dont even live with him.  The Craziness still continues just in a different way.  I am praying and verily believe that this to will pass and I will have my husband , and my children will have their father back.  Just have faith and it will work out.

One thing I found helpful in his early sobriety was, (along with focusing on myself, rather than him), to learn a bit about AA. Summer is roundup season, where AA and alanon from various communities get together to have meetings, hear speakers, maybe a banquet or a barbeque... If you hear of a roundup in your area, I would really urge you to go. There are usually both AA and alanon speakers and meetings, and the positive energy is just wonderful. I learned more about alcoholism from an afternoon spent listening to many AA speakers than I did from all my reading. When you hear someone with fifteen or twenty years of sobriety tell a story that sounds like it came from your house, you can realize that there really IS hope. Not all As get sober, but some do. Other than that, yeah, work your own program, get out of his way. He has his own higher power, remember I can't He can I'll let Him

I am hanging in there---doing my own thing and it feels good.  He's been gone for over 48hrs--no phone call---I have no idea if he's dead or alive---but I know I have no control over where he is or what he's doing.  I do feel bad because he is in an unbelievable amt of pain and I think he's actually suffering more than I am---I'm worried that he'll hurt himself.

Can we actually call this "early sobriety"??  If he's drinking.  The saddest part is that he wants to be sober--he wants to be comfortable in his own skin---he's floundering badly right now---oddly I feel more at peace than ever.  My biggest worry is financial and babysitters.

This is for all the girls out there---today I dejunked my spare bedroom and basement.  I am not a clutter person but my hubby won't throw anything away---well it's all at the curb for pickup tomorrow and I feel rejuvinated.  I threw out a bunch of old wood in the yard---from an unfinished project of hubby's--broken plant containers and anything else I don't need anymore.  The yard is his domain but he's such a procrastinator and it's never together.  Feels good to do it on my own.  I want this house to be in selling condition if it gets to that.  I am focusing on a day at the time and each day I am going to declutter a little more..

As always I appreciate the responses and I am grateful for a group of people who understand addiction--my MIL said "I wish he would get his head on straight"  She so does not get it---does she think he wants to live this way?? disappointing his children, wife and self???

Addiction sucks!!!

mom to 2